Thursday, December 20, 2007
In a related note, while I think the idea of their Holiday Celebrity Snow Globe is a good one, it's not as funny as it could have been. If you can't make a good joke out of Michael Vick's prison time, you're not really trying. That just shows that PETA has no sense of humor.
UPDATE: According to another article, Mars is trying to prove health benefits to chocolate, like that chocolate lowers blood pressure, etc. A twist that I'm surprised PETA didn't point out is that Mars' own website states that it does not promote animal research involving the suffering of animals. So PETA's taking them to court.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The cop turns on his lights and pulls the car over. The guy gets out and the cop gives him a breathalyser test.
The guy blows a zero-point-zero.
The cop looks at the results, then looks at the guy and asks, "What is this?
The guy straightens, looks the cop square in the eye, and says in a clear voice, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
* Jokebook: Homeward Bound
* Jokebook: Police Phobia
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
My last completed novel took me three months to write, and then I spent another two months revising and editing. I have to admit that most of the best parts of the novel came in the revision, not the first draft.The novel I wrote in November is extremely rough, but how many writers do nail it on the first draft, anyway? I don't. I was surprised at how much of it came out well, actually. In fact, some of it may be my best writing ever. My biggest concern is how to add another 40,000 words to make it a saleable length. I don't think writing 10,000 words of the main character eating breakfast is going to cut it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: Why could the lawyer swim through a river of piranhas without getting eaten?
A: Professional courtesy.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Best link on this debacle is at Japan Probe.
Friday, November 09, 2007
2. Speed the song up twice as fast.
3. Add a loud, thumping, and annoying backbeat
4. Find the hip-hop singer whose song is popular that week.
5. Add him yellng "Re-Miiiiixxx" for ten seconds at the beginning like a Mexican soccer announcer calling a goal.
6. Have him record a fifteen-second monologue that has nothing to do with the original theme of the song. Make sure he includes the word "booty."
7. Record him saying "yeah" and "uh-huh," and sprinkle at random throughout the song.
8. Distribute the re-mix to radio stations and dance clubs.
9. Make sure that radio stations never play the original song again.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"
See you next Tuesday.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Examples: Sister Act, True Identity
Most common in: Comedies
In movies, the Mafia is invincible. There's nowhere they can't go, there's no one they can't get to. If you owe them money or cross them, they will pursue you to the ends of the Earth for the rest of your natural life until they kill you. There's only one way to get away from them, and that's to give yourself a foolproof disguise as a nun. Or as a white man. Or as a woman. And even then, the Mafia will still be sniffing around your convent or sorority, eyeing you with suspicion.
Of course, in the real world, people hide from the Mob all the time. As powerful and crazy as they are, it's not like the Mafia has infinite resources and determination. For example, the Witness Protection program usually just gives people new names and puts them in a different state, and they get along fine. Even in extreme cases, they just do a little plastic surgery. Imagine the real-world WPP going, "Okay, Sammy 'The Thunder' Gravanno is really after you guys, so here's what we'll do for you. From now on, you'll be posing as Bobo and Bongo, two kangaroos at the San Diego Zoo. Here are your costumes." The real people would be like, "Are you insane? I'm not spending the rest of my life as a kangaroo. I'm going to Mexico."
The reason running from the Mob happens so often in movies is that it's an easy way to get someone to do something totally ridiculous. Here's the conversation:
WRITER: "You know, I've got a great idea for a movie; a guy has to disguise himself as a tree in a suburban family's yard. And here's the hook: the family has five dogs!"
PRODUCER: "Sounds funny. But why would a guy dress up like a tree?"
WRITER: "Oh, I don't know. Uh, let's say…he's trying to hide from the Mob."
PRODUCER: "Makes perfect sense to me. Write it up and let's shoot it."
Imagine a movie where somebody owes money to the Mafia and they say "Go whack him," and the hitman goes to the victim's house, then comes back and says "Can't find him. He must have skipped town," and the mobster goes, "Okay, fine. Forget about it. It was only a couple thousand bucks. Just tell everybody to keep an eye out for him. If we don't find him, we'll make it up at the casinos." I'd like to see that.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
On the one hand, we have Tomorrow's Pioneers, a Palestinian children's show hosted by Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-a-like who preaches the destruction of Israel to little children. You can actually watch a clip on YouTube and it's pretty shocking. The show includes children reading poems with lines like "It is the time of death, we will fight a war." Farfur also criticizes President Bush. Just what we all want in a children's show - political rhetoric. Not surprisingly, Disney isn't too happy about it. There's a great quote from Walt Disney's own daughter calling the character "pure evil." Can't argue too much about that.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Most common in: Action Movies
The typical scenario: The hero whacks somebody on the back of the head with his fist or a gun and the enemy crumples instantly like a sack of potatoes. And once knocked unconscious, they will stay unconscious for as long as they are required to be. Of course, in real-life, hitting someone on the head will usually just make them mad. People do get knocked unconscious, but that's somewhat rare and usually only last for a few minutes. And a head impact that knocks someone unconscious is just as likely to kill them. Imagine a movie where James Bond sneaks up to a guard, thumps him on the head, and the guard turns around and shoots him. I'd like to see that.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
ME: Yes, sir, the copay on that medication is more expensive. There's another medication called Birolax...
GRUMPY: I can't understand you. You don't speak English.
ME: [pause] Sir, I'm 34 years old, I've been speaking English all my life.
GRUMPY: Well, I can't understand you. What's the name of that medication?
ME: It's "B" like Bravo, "I" like India, "R" like Romeo...
GRUMPY: No, don't spell it out. Just say the letters.
ME: Okay. B-I-R...
GRUMPY: I can't understand you.
ME: "B" like Bravo.
GRUMPY: Don't spell it out, just say it.
ME: Okay. "B."
GRUMPY: [pause] What?
ME: [screaming] "B!!!!"
ME: [pause] Sir, I don't know how I can say the letter "B" any clearer. It's "B" like Brave or Boy.
GRUMPY: Oh, "B." Okay.
ME: [continues to spell out the medication with no problem and ends call]
CUBICLE NEIGHBOR WHO OVERHEARD THE CALL: You should have said "B" like "Butt-head."
Friday, October 12, 2007
So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.
Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.
So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"
She says, "Yes."
The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."
* Jokebook: Police Phobia
* Jokebook: Vow of Silence
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
It was actually my nephew who brought this one to my attention. He's ten years old and when he came over, he had never seen a garbage disposal in real life before. When he saw it, he asked, "Does it ever chop up people's hands?" At first, I was horrified, like "No, why would you think that?" Then he said, "In the movies, garbage disposals always chop up people's hands."
Which is true. Especially in horror movies. Someone scrapes something into the garbage disposal and hits the switch. It doesn't work, hmm. Or they drop something into the garbage disposal. So they reach down into the drain. Then the possessed house or the ghost or the computer virus or the blob hits the switch and then there's screaming or blood or all of the above. Or the disposal goes off a split-second after the person manages to pull his/her hand out. Which, of course, rarely happens in the real world. I personally am not stupid enough to reach into a garbage disposal, and even if I was, the odds of it coming on spontaneously are slim-to-none. But in movies, it happens every time. When was the last time you saw someone in a movie scrap some chicken bones into the sink, hit the switch, grind up the bones, and walk away? I'd like to see that.
Examples: Final Destination 2, Heroes
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
In a related story, I haven't seen so many bad puns in movie reviews since Catwoman.
The Average Catwoman Review
It's Not Brad's Baby
Saturday, September 15, 2007
I personally was not too surprised. Her actions over the past year shows she's far too unstable to go back to her old pop princess self. I seriously doubt the old virginal, church-loving singer-dancer Britney ever existed at all, but was merely a creation of her PR, which couldn't keep the cap on the bottle for long.
The question to me, though, is why she melted down so publicly in the first place. Couldn't someone have stopped her? The answer is no. There's an article on MSN that brought together all the theories and facts that leaked out this week showing how her people couldn't stop her from destroying herself. But as far as her outfit, it couldn't have been that bad: for all day after her performance, all of Yahoo Photos' Most Viewed photos were of her.
Britney is Chaotic
Unlike A Virgin
Britney Spears is an Idiot
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
SPORTS - The San Antonio Spurs beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to become the 2007 NBA champions. Nobody cared.
SCIENCE - Hundreds of people waited in line for the release of Apple's new iPhone. And in a related story, hundreds of people have no lives and are mindless sheep desperate to fill their empty lives with the latest gadgets to serve as useless status symbols.
ENTERTAINMENT - Paris Hilton was seen partying and smoking marijuana just days after being released from jail and claiming that she never overdrank or used illegal drugs. This came as a surprise to absolutely no one.
MISC - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch. We were going to make a joke about that, but don't think you can.
See you next Tuesday.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I know it's been over an hour since my last update. Sorry! I know my regular readers depend on me and risk commiting suicide if I don't update at least twenty times a day because this blog is the center of their lives, as well it should be. I promise this blog will be updated more recently from now on! I have big surprises in store, including the simple and effort-less method to becoming a millionare, the key to peace in the Middle East, and the cure to all known diseases. I'll have all that tomorrow!
Last updated March 14, 1997
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
James Bond's PDA
Friday, July 06, 2007
* It was Disney's first attempt to create a PG movie production.
* The robot name "V.I.N.CENT" is supposed to be an acronym of "Vital Information Necessary CENTralized". B.O.B.'s name stands for "BiO-sanitation Battalion," while S.T.A.R.'s is an acronym for "Special Troops/Arms Regiment."
* V.I.N.CENT and Old B.O.B. were lame attempts at R2D2 clones.
* Neither the novelization or the comic adaptation used the Heaven/Hell ending.
Disney's Unofficial The Black Hole page
Wikipedia: The Black Hole
Ultimate Disney: The Black Hole
Space.com review: Does 'The Black Hole' Still Suck?
Toy Archive.com: Blackhole
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The Little Mermaid 5: Ariel On Ice - The Little Mermaid's ship ends up going off-course in a storm and ends up in Antarctica. Now she can't swim in the water or walk on land; she has to ice-skate everywhere. This was an attempt to create a movie that leads directly into a Disney On Ice production.
Toy Story 4: Product Placement - An interactive DVD that features a parade of the latest and greatest toys. If the viewer wants one of the toys, they can just hit the "enter" button and purchase it automatically from Amazon.com. There was a minimal plot planned where Buzz and Woody end up locked in a toy store overnight, but the real purpose was to create a new engine to drive toy sales.
Cinderella 4: Regime Change - Due to protests from his people and human-rights groups, Prince Charming declares his kingdom a democracy and calls for open elections. Things get worse when Cinderella's evil stepmother is elected President and Cinderella is stripped of her royalty, forced to become her stepmother's servant once again. Though devastated at first, Cinderella learns from her friendly animals and her fairy godmother that true happiness comes not from beautiful dresses, pretty shoes, material wealth, or fame, but from within. This was intended to end the so-called Disney Princesses' licensing campaign, which research showed was making little girls materialistic and egotistical. That one might not have been so bad.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Anyone who knows anything about primates knows that all three of those behaviors are completely unnatural to primates. No primate, including the chimpanzee, walks on its hind legs in the wild. Primates prefer to walk on their hind legs with support from the knuckles of their hands. This was particularly obvious in Every Which Way But Loose, where they had an orangutan with incredibly long arms that had to walk with its arms straight up in the air or hold onto a human to maintain its balance. As far as their smiles, showing teeth is a sign of aggression among primates, so they would never smile on their own. And if I have to explain why the thumbs-up signal isn't natural to the primate, then you need to get out more. But unless the movie is a serious portrayal of primates like Gorillas in the Mist, you'll see primates running around on their hind legs, smiling, and giving the thumbs-up, even when they're fresh out of the jungle.
Examples: Every Which Way But Loose, Planet of the Apes, Monkey Trouble
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Jokebook: Truck vs. Lawyer
Too Hot For Court
Monday, June 18, 2007
You ever notice in movies how men are never able to change diapers? If there's a man who has to take care of a baby and there isn't a woman around, there's the inevitable diaper-changing scene. The man/men struggle to figure out how to take off the diaper. Then the moment the diaper is opened, the man/men react as if they've just opened a vat of nerve gas. They gag, they flee, they put on masks, they use kitchen tongs to peel away the diaper, hose the baby down with a garden hose. And then they practically strangle the kid trying to figure out how to put the new diaper on. When was the last time you saw a man confidently change a baby? Replace the men with women and you'll see how silly that is. No, in the movies, women are born knowing how to change a diaper and are immune to any odors or distaste. In fact, you rarely even see a woman changing a diaper in a movie at all - it's just assumed that they can. When was the last time you saw a woman struggling to put on a diaper? I'd like to see that.
Examples: Mr. Mom, The Pacifier, Three Men and a Baby
Movie Rules: Masters of Disguise
Movie Rules: Super Dogs
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Xana tylh, fjii! Hambre aggidos para Kyxcstan! Ddjugd du higgd-pora ghi ggj gkg haj, ghss fjhg jkahsjfg hsjsfh! Hahjdd kgd gjgd djspeo? Wrj!!!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Ever notice how easy it is for someone to disguise themselves in a movie, particularly in spy movies? They just slip on a mask of the person they're trying to disguise themselves as. And the mask is always an exact copy of the person's face that somehow matches the shape and contours, no matter what the real person's face looks like underneath. It's also made of a flesh-like material that looks completely realistic, right down to the slightest pores, that will fool anyone even on close inspection, including the target's family members. It will also instantly adhere to the wearer's face perfectly to match all facial movements. And as if all that weren't enough, the mask can removed quickly and easily by just tugging it off at the neck. How exactly is that possible? When you think about it, that makes the face-transplant surgery from the movie Face/Off seem shockingly realistic.
Examples: Charlie's Angels, Mission Impossible I, II, III
Movie Rules: Super Dogs
Movie Rules: Luck
Movie Rules: Shooting Locks
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Turns out I'm not the only one. One of the best ways to get the Hatch simulation is with a screensaver that makes a display of the cursor, and you have to enter the Numbers to unlock it. There's also a Yahoo Widget that puts a DHARMA computer on your desktop with a timer counting down to 108 minutes, when you have to enter the Numbers. Both cool. All I need now is an electromagnet that will destroy the world if you fail.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Now regular readers of my blog know I already addressed this last year. People who don't want to be called gay shouldn't let photos of themselves flirting with women get around. Frankly, I'm surprised she thought this was still a secret. Her current girlfriend Kristanna Loken already blew the lid off this last year. I hate when celebrities treat the public like they're idiots. Whatever.
Resident Lesbo: Michelle Rodriguez
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Manually-operated doors are a problem. It doesn't really matter whether you push or pull, but some stores are set up so they only open one way- presumably the way you need to go. But whether you push or pull the doors, you can still enter and leave through either one.
Automatic doors show the battle more clearly. Some stores have doors that only open for the side it's intended for. If you walk up to an exit door from the outside, the doors won't open so you have to do that awkward shuffle to the enter doors. Most doors have clearly given up the battle and will open either way, no matter how you approach them.
I saw one store that practically waved the surrender sign by putting "enter" and "exit" signs on both sides. If you're entering, both doors are labelled "enter." If you're leaving, both doors are labelled "exit." What's the point of that?
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Lost in Order
My Ultimate Lost Theory
Resident Lesbo: Michelle Rodriguez
Friday, May 04, 2007
Beer drinking - The biggest and most popular part of NASCAR is captured with this simulator. Put on a pair of special gloves that simulate the weight and feel of a can of beer. Put on a pair of goggles that progressively distort your hearing and sight with every beer you drink. See how many beers you can drink and still be aware of the race.
Tobacco Chewing Simulator - Chew on virtual tobacco and spit virtual black goop. Chew it long enough and you get virtual mouth cancer and virtual jaw removal surgery.
Inbreeding Simulator - scan in a picture of your brother and/or sister and see what your children will look like. Children are ranked by the number of teeth and limbs. If you get a child that has more than three teeth, you win a prize.
Car Crash Simulator - Put on a pair of goggles and see and hear cars crash. This could also be considered a simulation of whole reason for NASCAR's popularity.
Left Turn Lovers: NASCAR Romance
Thursday, May 03, 2007
You ever notice how in most movies and TV shows, dogs seem to have above-average intelligence? By that, I mean they can understand and respond to anything spoken to them, and will behave in human ways. How many times have you watched a TV show or movie and somebody says something to the dog, and the dog understands it? Like in a sitcom, the mother will turn to the dog and say something like "This is all your fault" and the dog will cover its head or run out of the room or growl or something like that. There are even movies and TV shows where the dogs seem smarter than the humans. The point is that the dog acts human, and no one will turn to the dog and say "Holy crap, how did you do that?! You can understand English?" How many times in a sitcom have you seen someone say to a dog "Hey, go get Julie" and the dog just sits there staring at him. Or somebody asks "You feel like going over to my ex-wife's house?" and the dog just licks itself. I'd like to see that.
Movie Rules: Luck
Movie Rules: Shooting Locks
Monday, April 30, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Friday, April 13, 2007
* The opening explained that a platypus is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone, and a platypus man is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
* His TV show on the series was called Cooking with the Platypus Man.
* The series aired in 1995, the early days of UPN, which sucked.
* The problem of cooking and his character's problems with relationships were supposed to parallel. They didn't.
* Ron Orbach played Richard's executive producer and longtime friend. He's the cousin of actor Jerry Orbach of Law and Order fame.
* Unofficial UPN homepage's profile of Platypus Man
* TV.com's profile of Platypus Man
* Wikipedia's entry on Platypus Man
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
don't taste anything like a hot fudge sundae. There's no ice cream flavor at
all. It's really chocolate Pop-Tarts with sprinkles and white frosting as
the filling. They should have called it chocolate cake flavor. It doesn't
taste like that either, but it tastes more like chocolate cake than hot fudge
sundae. I should work for Pop-Tarts.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Way back in the 80's, I played a game called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was a text-based adventure game that included really cool stuff like a pair of Joo Janta Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses (also known as a cardboard pair of black glasses), a Don't Panic button, and a microscopic battle fleet (also known as an empty bag). I never finished it, and that's always annoyed me. Now I have a second chance with the 20th Anniversary Edition. Not only is it online and illustrated, it's also free. I'll get that Babel fish yet.
Friday, March 16, 2007
You ever notice how in action movies, whenever someone shoots a lock, it does exactly what they need it to? This is especially true in science-fiction movies, which can be vague about exactly how the lock works. How many movies have you seen where the hero is escaping from a horde of enemy soldiers, runs through a door, then turns and blasts the door's lock with a laser gun, then we cut to the soldiers on the other side, banging on the door that no longer opens. Or cut to the other movie, where the hero has to get through a door, grabs his laser gun and blasts the lock, and the door obediently opens. You'd think the lock's designer would take shooting it into account and make it blaster-proof. When was the last time you saw a movie where the hero tried to open a door, then blasted the lock, and the heroine goes, "Great, you just melted the lock! Now we're really trapped in here!" I'd like to see that.
Movie Rules: Luck
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Of course, the Dolls are not about stripping. They're about female empowerment, which apparently is the new term for stripping. Let's look at what "female empowerment" means with an actual quote from the group's founder, Robin Antin:
"It's about female empowerment, about being confident with who you are. It's about singing and dancing in front of a mirror by yourself and having fun."
So the key to empowering women is to dance by yourself in front of a mirror? Wow, how did Gloria Steinem miss the boat on that one? I'm sure that's what the early pioneers who fought to give U.S. women the right to vote did; dance by themselves in front of a mirror. That's something that can change the world.
Monday, February 26, 2007
It's a clever idea, a dating show where they transport people to locations and the host goofs on them with voodoo. Funny. But first of all, is Fergie really that hot that guys would line up to go on a date with her. I don't think so...unless she wears a diaper on that date.
The other problem I have is with the voodoo. Why are the guys so surprised and confused when it happens? Maybe the first guy wouldn't know it was going to happen, but wouldn't the other two see it coming? And why does Fergie get so mad? Wouldn't she know what's going on? They didn't think that video through enough.
My Humps Sucks
Friday, February 23, 2007
LIGHTNING MCQUEEN, HOTSHOT RACE CAR, ENDS UP LOST ON WAY TO BIG RACE
MCQUEEN: Where am I?
JUDGE: You're in Radiator Flats, the most boring town in America, and will be here for the majority of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Whose bright idea was it to set a two-hour movie in the most boring town in America?
DIRECTOR: I did. It's supposed to make you slow down and appreciate life.
AUDIENCE: Well, it's not working. We can be bored at home.
JUDGE: For tearing up our road, we sentence you to repair the town's main road.
LOTS OF SCENES OF MCQUEEN LIVING SMALL TOWN LIFE, REPAIRING ROAD, AND BEING BORED
AUDIENCE: Yeah, nothing more exciting than watching road construction. For a movie about race cars, this movie sure is slow.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY: Git-R-Done! That's funny right there!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: We beg to differ.
MCQUEEN IS FOUND AND RETURNS TO CIVILIZATION
AUDIENCE: Thank God.
MCQUEEN RACES FOR THE TITLE
ANNOUNCER: Only a hundred and thirty-two laps to go!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: This is why we don't watch NASCAR.
SOUTHERN AUDIENCE: Boy howdy, this sure is excitin'! Better'n watchin' NASCAR!
MCQUEEN SACRIFICES WINNING RACE TO PUSH OLDER CAR OVER THE FINISH LINE
AUDIENCE: So we waited an hour and a half to see him not win the race?
DIRECTOR: The moral of the story is that there are more important things than winning.
AUDIENCE: No, the moral of the story is that Pixar is losing it.
The New World (abridged)
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (abridged)
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
You ever notice that in movies or TV shows, luck is a fact of life? Like there's usually an episode in a sitcom where a character is cursed with bad luck and they declare they don't believe in luck, and spend the rest of the episode inflicted with inexplicable problems until they give in. Then there's movies like Just My Luck where the whole movie revolves around luck. Where was the last movie or TV show where a character breaks a mirror or gets cursed by a gypsy, declares "Ah, there's no such thing as luck," and spends the rest of the time watching TV or getting a good night's sleep? I'd like to see that.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Friday, February 09, 2007
The cop goes over to the driver's side window of the car and growls, "You want to tell me what that was all about?"
The driver gasps, "Sorry, officer. My wife left me for a cop last week."
The cop nods. "I see. So that's left you a little bitter towards police officers?"
The driver gasps, "No, I thought you were gonna give her back."
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Oddly enough, these kinds of shows (called "participation shows") are huge in Britain. For the life of me, I can't understand why. They must be much better produced in Britain. There is a version called Playdate where callers try to get dates with people in studio, sort of a home version of The Dating Game. I can see how that would be fun to watch.
And what's with the title? My Games Fever. Shouldn't that be My Game Fever? Or Game Fever? Or My Game? It's even a bad show grammatically.
MyNetworkTV is failing miserably, and if this is their best idea for fixing it, they've got a long way to go.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
So one year a monk stands up and says, "I really enjoy the mashed potatoes we serve here at the monastery." And he sits down.
The next year, another monk stands up and says, "I hate the mashed potatoes served here at the monastery." And he sits down.
The following year, the abbott of the monastery stands up and says, "I'm sick and tired of the constant bickering."
Friday, January 26, 2007
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
* The original special was called Robotman and Friends, aired in October of 1984.
* Robotman had sidekicks - Stellar, Oops, and Lint. They fought an evil robot Toberon who tried to eliminate all the love in the world.
* After one other TV special, the Robotman character lived only in the comic strip.
* In the comic strip, Robotman lived with a family in suburbia for several years. He never fought an evil robot or tried to spread love in the world.
* Several years later, Robotman switched to living with a nerd named Monty.
* In 1999, Jim Meddick permanently phased out Robotman from the comic strip, changing it into Monty.
The best website, hands-down, for Robotman is the Robotman Library. There's a good interview that explains the origin of the comic strip, as well as info on the related Robotman paraphenalia. That's about it.
Flashback Friday: Out of This World
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Flashback Friday: Herb