Thursday, December 04, 2014

DON'T Make DIY Glowing Bubbles

I saw this on Facebook, and I wish I could post this everywhere someone shares this thing.

This is a really, really horrible idea. The stuff inside glow sticks is toxic. Not corrosive acid, kill-you-instantly toxic, but still toxic. The packages all have warnings not to cut open glow sticks for a reason. The chemicals can burn and irritate the eyes and skin, and are even more toxic to pets. I can imagine the scene of a bunch of kids running around playing with the glowing bubbles and descending into horror as they start crying and screaming. All because some idiot gave some bad advice that went viral. So I created this...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Kristen Bell Freaks Out Over Sloths

Kristen Bell really, really, really likes sloths. When her boyfriend introduced her to a sloth for her thirty first, Kristen absolutely freaked out. Watched her overview of the situation on The Ellen Show.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Saturday, August 30, 2014

"Simpsons: Tapped Out" Explained What's Wrong With Freemium Games

The game is wonderfully meta. These are actual screenshots from the game:

Sunday, August 10, 2014

An Open Letter To White People With Dreadlocks

Dear White People with Dreadlocks,

What are you doing? What are you thinking? Do you even know why you decided to put on this ridiculous (for you) hairstyle?

Dreadlocks are not pigtails. They are a profound cultural statement. There is literally no other hairstyle on Earth more identified with a specific racial group than dreadlocks, the one you decided to adopt. Even within African American culture, wearing dreadlocks speaks volumes about your African heritage, and possibly even your love of the Caribbean and reggae. What do dreadlocks possibly say to the Caucasian community? That you listen to too much Bob Marley?

I don’t even understand why you would go to all that trouble. Dreadlocks on African Americans occur naturally, just by braiding our naturally curly hair and keeping it tightly wound. You have to keep tangling it, and not washing it, and putting super glue in it or whatever it is you do to get your straight hair to make dreadlocks. It’s not worth it.

More than all of this, white people wearing dreadlocks just cheapen the whole thing. It makes you look silly, and makes everyone else with dreadlocks look silly. On behalf of the African American community, I’d like to say stop. Just stop. Wash your hair and move on with your life.

Saturday, August 09, 2014

KidsTalk: TURBO Makes No Sense

Turbo is a very frustrating movie. It’s very well animated, the voice work is great with stars like Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson, and the script is okay, if you don't mind the patchwork of story elements obviously lifted from other movies like Ratatouille. But it has a fatal flaw that made it hard to watch: the premise.

Turbo is one of those “x dreams of being a y” stories where “y” is something outlandish, like a rat who wants to be a cook or a pig who wants to be a sheepdog. But Turbo is about a snail who dreams of winning the Indy 500. I don’t mean driving a race car in the Indy 500. A snail driving a car would kinda make sense. I mean, running in the Indy 500 himself, despite the fact that he has no wheels or even legs, and no one actually runs in the Indy 500.

Of course, the moral of the story is that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, but I think Turbo proves the opposite. A snail who wants to win the Indy 500 makes about as much sense as a mouse who wants to become the world’s tallest building. It’s a dream that doesn't make any kind of sense. It’s just not going to happen. This is the kind of idea that should have made someone take a step back to re-think the basic concept. But instead of acknowledging the impossibility, the movie goes through a tortured path to try to make it happen.

While wishing upon a star, Turbo falls into a racing car’s engine and gets soaked in nitrous oxide. The combination of nitrous oxide and a toxic soda he drinks gives him super-speed. I can accept that, sort of. What I can’t accept is that it also gives him other features of a car, like headlights, a car alarm, and even a radio. As funny as it is to see his eyes popping to Snoop Dogg’s tunes, I couldn't help thinking, “How is that even remotely possible?” But I digress.

With his newfound speed, Turbo befriends a taco store clerk (for some strange reason, maybe to draw in a Latino audience) who believes in him and wants to make the dream come true. They go to the Indy 500, where an Internet video of Turbo racing the track leads to a groundswell of support to allow Turbo to race.

Now, here’s where it gets really sticky. They repeatedly try to explain why Turbo can enter the race by saying, “There’s no rule that says a snail can’t race!” Well, no, there’s no specific rule that says a snail can’t race in the Indy 500, but there are specific rules on exactly what kind of vehicle can race in the Indy 500. Emphasis being “vehicle.” Specifically, the rules state only open wheel automobiles can race, and Turbo has no wheels. End of movie.

But no, they go ahead and Turbo gets his race. I’m probably not spoiling it to say he wins, but it all felt really hollow. I mean, I’m used to nonsensical stories in kids’ movies, but Turbo simultaneously tries to ground the story in reality while clinging to a ridiculous premise. I just couldn't buy it.

Kids liked it, though, so I guess that’s all that matters.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Lion Greets His Rescuer: The Real Story

I saw this video on Facebook with the following text:

The woman in the video found the lion, injured in the forest, on the verge of death. She took the lion home with her and nursed it back to health. Later, when the lion was better, she made arrangements with a zoo to take the lion. Some time passed before the woman had a chance to visit the zoo. This video was taken when she walked up to the lion's cage to see how he was doing. Watch the lion's reaction when he sees her!!
The story is almost completely wrong. The woman's name is Ana Julia Torres. She's a professional wildlife rescuer. She did find the lion, but at a zoo where it was being mistreated, not "injured in the forest." She nursed it back to health, but not at her "home." She runs an animal shelter where Jupiter the lion (its real name) is being kept. It hasn't been years since she's seen it. She continues to take care of it, because she sees it every day and it greets her this way. I don't know why this video is being distributed with this made up story when the real story is so much better.

Friday, February 28, 2014

How To Twerk Like Miley Cyrus

This video really shouldn't make me giggle as much as it does. There's a YouTuber who calls himself "How to Basic" who makes some of the most bizarre and messiest videos you've ever seen, and here's his recreation of Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs. I know, it's uncanny how accurate it is.