Friday, December 29, 2006
* The town was called Chewandswallow. The book never described what country it was in, but it looked a lot like America.
* The book was written in 1978 by Judi Barrett and illustrated by Ron Barrett
* The author has written a sequel, Pickles To Pittsburgh which chronicles what's been happening in the town since it was abandoned. In the sequel, the people came back and started a company shipping free food to needy countries.
* Neither book explained why food would rain down from the sky.
* The book has been optioned for an animated movie, which I think would be awesome. A special effects extravaganza.
Not much besides Amazon.com. You can read an interview with her husband/illustrator Ron Barrett. Whatever.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
CONVERSATION OF THE FUTURE
Daughter: Hey, Mom?
Mother: Yes, Gimpy?
Daughter: You know, I never asked before, but what happened to my toes? Was I born this way?
Mother: Well, no. You see, uh, one of our pets ate your toes when you were a baby.
Daughter: Ate my toes? Was it Fluffy, our pit bull or Rocky, our ferret?
Mother: Well, we're not really sure. We didn't see it happen.
Daughter: Wow. How'd it happen?
Mother: That's actually an interesting story. It seems our pets were out, and you were in a high chair, and one of them chewed your toes off.
Daughter: Oh my goodness. And you couldn't stop them?
Mother: Well, no. We were asleep.
Daughter: Oh, in another room?
Mother: No, actually, we were asleep on a mattress right next to you.
Daughter: Oh, so it happened so quickly that you couldn't stop it.
Mother: Uh, no, the doctors say it must have taken over an hour to get all four of them off.
Daughter: Uh, and you didn't hear me screaming?
Mother: Well, honey, your father and I had a lot to drink that night and kind of passed out...
Daughter: I don't believe this. You let one of your animals eat my toes off?
Mother: Well, if it makes you feel any better, we got felony convictions for it.
Daughter: It doesn't.
Mother: Oh. Um...can I make you some pancakes?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
To: All Employees
Subject: The New IT System
As you all know, this company has been experiencing some financial problems in the past. One area that we've decided to cut costs is in Information Technology. Due to the rising cost of computer technology and the manpower required to handle an increasingly large network, we have decided to replace all desktop PCs with an Etch-A-Sketch. To ease the transition, we present the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I re-boot my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document?
A: Don't pick it up and shake it.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
- The campaign began with a series of mysterious ads and billboards that said "Who's Herb?"
- Herb was finally unveiled in a Super Bowl XX commercial in 1986.
- The reason why Herb, a man who doesn't eat Whoppers, would be in Burger King restaurants was never explained.
- The fact that Herb turned out to be a nerdy-looking guy in a loud suit was supposed to send the message that only losers don't eat Whoppers. Instead, the public took away the message that only losers eat at Burger King.
- In hip-hop or street lingo, a "Herb" is a nerd or loser. The term comes directly from these commercials.
- Instead of boosting sales, sales at Burger King actually dropped during this campaign.
- The Herb unveiling came at the same time McDonald's launched the McD.L.T.
- Advertising Age called the "Where's Herb" campaign the "most elaborate advertising flop of the decade."
- Herb was played by an actor named John Merrick. John Merrick was also the name of the Elephant Man, a hideously deformed circus freak.
Surprisingly enough, Wikipedia is not the first place to go for info on Herb. I need to work on that. The best article is in E2. There's also an article in TV Acres about him. RetroCRUSH named the Herb campaign its biggest Fast Food Fiasco. Through the power of the Internet, you can even read an article from TIME Magazine circa 1986 about the unveiling. And for more retro flava, you can read a transcript of the infamous SNL sketch making fun of the Herb campaign.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND COLONISTS ARRIVING IN AMERICA WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
I'm Captain Smith.
LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
LOTS OF SCENES OF NATIVE AMERICANS AND COLONISTS FIGHTING WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
I love you.
I love you, too. But I'm marrying someone else, moving to Europe, and having his baby.
LOTS OF SCENES OF EUROPE AND POCAHONTAS WANDERING AROUND WITH HER HUSBAND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
I love you.
I love Captain Smith.
LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS GOING BACK TO AMERICA AND WANDERING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING
I love you.
I love you, too. But I'm leaving you and never coming back.
POCAHONTAS RETURNS TO AMERICA, APPARENTLY DIES
LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS
What the heck was that?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sadly, this wasn't much of an exaggeration.
Monday, December 04, 2006
On the positive side, the DVD has a virtual re-creation of "Under the Sea," a designed-but-never-built ride based on The Little Mermaid movie. It actually shows the perspective of riding in one of the cars while it goes through the ride as it would have been. It's pretty cool and a unique feature that certainly raises the bar on DVD features, which is always a good thing.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
They go to the dark-haired candidate and hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."
The dark-haired man sets the gun down on the table and says, "I can't do that."
The CIA immediately dismisses him and goes to the red-headed candidate, telling him the same thing. "In that room is your wife. Take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."
The red-headed man shakes his head and sets the gun down, saying, "I can't do that."
The CIA dismisses him and turns to the final candidate, the blonde man. They hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."
The blond man takes the gun and walks into the room. Silence passes for a few seconds, then the room is filled with screaming and crashing noises. When the room is silent again, the blond man comes staggering out of the room.
The CIA asks, "What happened?"
The blond man gasps, "Well, the gun was filled with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with her chair."
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Saturday, November 18, 2006
While we're on the topic, why is it that alien races always have superpowers? I mean, E.T., Starman, Roswell, all the aliens or alien-derived beings have powers. I always wondered if we're supposed to believe the aliens evolved their powers or were genetically-engineered to have those powers or what.
* Scott Baio was one of the directors for the series. Is there anything he can't do?
* The old song "Swinging on a Star" was the theme song for the show.
* Evie's other powers included being able to teleport by snapping her fingers and being able to tie her shoelaces perfectly.
* Evie also had the power to "gleep," which apparently meant she could make simple objects appear just by willing it. See what I mean about being too powerful?
* Evie's father was named Troy. Yeah, there's imagination for you.
* Evie's father never appeared in person on the show, but talked to her through a blue crystal cube in her bedside cabinet.
* Burt Reynolds was the voice of Evie's father
* In the series finale, Evie's mother accidentally switches places with Evie's father, leaving the mother transported to Antares while Evie's father is in her bedroom. Talk about a cliffhanger.
* Unlike most child actors, the actress who played Evie (Maureen Flannigan) is still working. She did a 22-episode stint on 7th Heaven. And she still looks hot.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The brunette says, "I'll bet you ten bucks he jumps."
The blonde says, "You're on."
Well, the guy on TV jumps off the bridge, so the blonde hands over the money.
The brunette sighs and says, "I can't take your money. I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
The blonde says, "No, no. Take it. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again."
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Note: Looks like Weird Al got burned again, because he's no longer hosting the song on his website. Then again, six or seven other people are. You can't fight the Internet, losers!
Trivia: In the video for "White and Nerdy," Weird Al can be seen defacing the Wikipedia article on the controversy with the words "You Suck."
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Second of all, when is the WNBA gonna wise up to the fact that if they had the women in bikinis, they wouldn't be able to sell tickets fast enough? I mean, some of those girls are pretty hot. The slow-motion replays would be more popular than the actual game. And before you start whining about sexism and "why can't they be judged on their own terms," let's face it - men are sad, pathetic creatures. I've already addressed that in an earlier post. To me, it's all about equal time. The women can watch the WNBA games for the athleticism and skills while men watch for the bouncing babes in bikinis. Everybody's happy. Heck, bikinis didn't hurt women's volleyball. Those are athletic, respected women who look hot.
It's not like there's no precedent. I watched the women's basketball competition in the Olympics and was amazed at the different outfits other countries' teams wore. The Australian team wore Lycra bodysuits. By comparison, our women looked like they were wearing potato sacks. The WNBA went overboard. There's no rule that says you can't be athletic and sexy at the same time.
Monday, November 06, 2006
I happened to go with a friend to an auto title loan place and was stunned.To get an auto title loan, you give them your car's title as collateral. This place had a chart on the wall that showed the interest on various loans, and they ranged from 15 to 30 percent interest. That's not per year. That's per month. The interest on an auto title loan can increase by three hundred percent in a single year.
As outrageous as that is, it gets worse. The place I went to doesn't letyou pay back the loan in installments. It can only be paid back in full. In cash. Within thirty days. If you don't pay it back, you have only one other option - extend the loan for another thirty days by paying them a percentage, which can be as much as three hundred dollars. And that three hundred dollars doesn't count towards repayment of the loan in any way.
Let's look at this in the real world. I'm in danger of losing my apartment because I lost my job and don't have any money to pay the rent. No bank will lend me any money, because I ruined my credit rating defaulting on all my bills. All I have left is my car. So I bite the bullet and take out an auto title loan. Great, I've got a thousand dollars. But what are the odds that I'm gonna have a thousand dollars in cash a month from now? Almost nil. So the thirty days come up, they say "Pay us another three hundred dollars or we take your car." I need my car, so I pay them another three hundred, and sigh with relief. Until next month. When I owe three hundred and twenty. Within a few months, I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. The longer the loan is extended, the more I owe. The more I owe, the less capable I am of paying it back. Even if I do get a low-paying job that keeps the roof over my head, it's still not enough to get me the money I need. So I just keep paying and paying for months, watching the loan spiral out of control, until finally I just can't afford it anymore and they take my car away.
My friend was one of the lucky ones. She actually had the money to pay back her auto title loan. When my friend showed up to pay it,the clerk seemed surprised, as if she'd never seen anyone pay it back before. And I'm betting she hasn't. To get an auto title loan is probably the dumbest thinganyone can do, but there are really people out there who have no choice. The people who created it set out to target the most vulnerable of people,and set it up in a way that makes it almost impossible to pay it back.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar and throws it out the window, saying "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
The Russian takes a sip of his vodka and throws the rest of the bottle out the window, saying "There's plenty more of that where I come from."
So the Apache Indian gets up and throws the white American out the window.
Jokebook: Seeing Eye
Jokebook: Drinking Contest
Jokebook: Estrogen in Beer
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
The movie begins with Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn congratulates his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi for completing his training to become a Padawan. On Obi-Wan's first assignment, he is sent by the Jedi Council to the planet of Naboo, a powerful member of the Republic, to monitor the election of Queen Amidala. But on Naboo, the first signs of the separatist moment take shape as the newly-elected Queen Amidala is overthrown by a violent military coup. The coup is led by a mysterious alien named Admiral Syn who kidnaps Queen Amidala and takes her into orbit on Tatooine. He plans to secede Naboo from the Republic, aided by the robotic Trade Federation in exchange for shipping rights.
At first, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are advised by the Jedi Council not to interfere. But Naboo's Senator Palpatine begs them to rescue Queen Amidala, warning them that Admiral Syn is really a Sith lord named Darth Maul. The Jedi Council agrees to sneak aboard Admiral Syn's ship to rescue Queen Amidala. There, they discover a young man named Anakin Skywalker, a slave who knows nothing of life beyond toiling in the bowels of Syn's ship. Qui-Gon notices the power of the Force in young Anakin. Anakin helps them escape from the ship in exchange for his freedom by organizing a jailbreak and crashing the spaceship into the sands of Tattooine. They construct a pod racer and are chased across the sands of Tatooine by Darth Maul and his men. They finally crash into a power plant, where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle Darth Maul to the death. With the death of Darth Maul, they regain control of the planet of Naboo, begin the first attack against the Separatist movement, and gain ownership of Anakin Skywalker. Obi-Wan decides to raise and train Anakin in the ways of the Force, but still wonders who is the dark force behind Darth Maul...
the dog in circles over his head.
The bartender yells, "Hey, what're you doing?"
The blind guy says, "Just takin’ a look around."
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Looking back, what strikes me most about this campaign was the incredible racism. I mean, it's barely Chinese food to begin with, but then they had the asian music and Ronald McDonald doing a karate chop. If they sold McNuggets with salsa, would they call it the Tijuana McNuggets? And having Ronald McDonald running across the border or riding in the back of a pickup truck? Actually, I can see that. I better not give McDonald's any ideas.
I couldn't find much information on these at all. I almost started to think I made it up until I found an entry at Wikipedia. And even that didn't have much. But there was much informal discussion on them on a thread at X-Entertainment. There was also a thread on rec.games.trivia about them.
* Shanghai McNuggets came in Chinese take-out boxes and came with a fortune cookie and chopsticks.
* The box included instructions on how to use chopsticks.
* McDonald's employees had to wear a bamboo Coolie hat to promote the Shanghai McNuggets.
* The Shanghai McNuggets were discontinued pretty quickly, but I don't know the exact year.
* In China, McDonald's sells Shrimp McNuggets.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Thursday, October 05, 2006
And speaking of comedy, check out the latest release by Platypi Publishing, The Adventures of Couch Potato.
UPDATE: My Platypuspublishing website is gone. The new website for BOR Public Radio is http://borpublicradio.bravehost.com and my e-books are available at http://nigelgmitchell.bravehost.com
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Before Sarah Jessica Parker had sex in the city, there was Square Pegs. This was a short-lived series about a couple of nerds in high school, but I remember it capturing a sense of teen angst that I'd never seen before. It also introduced me to a lot of '80's concepts that I didn't get going to my school (I wasn't even in high school then), like New Wave music, valley girls, the term "nerds," and leg-warmers. I also have had the theme song stuck in my head for twenty years. This show is also notable as one of SJP's first acting gigs. Who knew it would lead to fame and fortune? I still think she's ugly, but whatever. Maybe that's why I find her so unattractive, because I always see her with those glasses and nerdy look. Nice body, though.
* The title of the show was a reference to the characters trying to fit in, but not being able to - square pegs trying to fit into round holes.
* The theme song was performed by a group called The Waitresses, who apparently never did anything else ever again. Paul Shaffer did additional music. Figure that one out.
* The high school they went to was Weemawee High School. They didn't even try to make it realistic.
* Bill Murray did a guest shot as a substitute teacher.
* The show only lasted for one season from 1982 to 1983.
* The cancellation of the show was blamed, in part, on drug use on the set. If that was the case today, we'd never keep shows on the air.
* In China, they adapted the show into a hit series called Life Made Simple about a mentally-retarded man in his mid-thirties who goes to high school. I don't know how that worked. Do they have valley girls in China?
* There are calls for this show to be released on DVD. Something tells me it's going to be a little dated.
Links: There's a good overview at TV.com. By far, the best Square Pegs website I could find was the Square Pegs Shrine. And of course, there's the old standard, IMDB. Wikipedia, of course, does it up right. There are some sound files at Tim's TV showcase, including the theme song.
Flashback Friday: Photon
Flashback Friday: Electric Dreams
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
10. Nobody cares about the University of Phoenix.
9. Everybody hates the name except the Arizona Cardinals.
8. There's no good mascot for the University of Phoenix. No bobcat for that stadium.
7. University of Phoenix Stadium has eleven syllables. Bank One Ballpark had four.
6. There is no name recognition. Everyone is going to shorten it to "UOP Stadium," which defeats the purpose of name recognition.
5. Does anyone want to call it "U.P. Stadium?"
4. The University of Phoenix has no athletic program, so it has nothing to do with sports.
3. They did it for the money, which is going into Bidwell's pocket, not the team.
2. They slapped "Phoenix" on the side of a building designed to promote and celebrate Glendale.
1. They spent fifteen years complaining about playing in a university stadium, then when they got a new stadium, named it after a university.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
And the new blog has the latest update. Since my other story on Steve Irwin was so well-received: Animal Kingdom Claims Victory In Steve Irwin's Death.
Monday, September 11, 2006
As for the board game...eh, it's okay. I prefer Clue.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
There was a guy on the radio calling his friend a bad father because he wouldn't take his kid to the circus. That friend argued that circuses are cruel to animals. The talk show host argued that animals are great in circuses - they get fed, medical care, no predators. That irritated me. If you don't care about animals, fine. If you don't care if animals are mistreated in circuses, fine. But don't try to argue circuses aren't cruel, because they are. I was just reading an article about how the whole concept of zoos is being questioned because it's almost impossible to replicate the environment of animals like elephants in a caged setting. And that's a zoo. Now look at an elephant living in a cage, forced to ride around on a tricycle. There's no way that animal is happy.
Fans Disappointed By Lack of Irony In Steve Irwin's Death
Monday, September 04, 2006
And now for something completely different...a man with a sculpture of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
Warning: Contains adult themes and language. Reader discretion is advised.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Remember the big fuss over what the new Star Wars movies would be called? Remember the cries of disappointment over the name The Phantom Menace? Remember the scorn and ridicule over the name Attack of the Clones? Remember the cheers over the name Revenge of the Sith? It seems kind of silly now, since I don't actually use those names when talking about the movies. Usually I say "Episode One" or "Episode Three." I never go "I loved that scene in 'Attack of the Clones' where Mace Windu comes into the arena." It's just easier. Yet I rarely say "I loved in 'Episode Six' where the Emperor blasted Luke Skywalker." I spell out the full names. Maybe it's because Lucas put so much emphasis on the episide numbers. In the logo for the first movie, the letter "I" is bigger than the actual title. I always felt Lucas was worried about how confusing the whole prequel thing is. "So it's the next movie in the series?" "Yes." "And it takes place after the last one?" "No, it takes place before the first one." Lucas wanted the episode numbers to be emphasized to help clarify it.
Geektalk: The Current State of Comics
Geektalk: Bane Lite
Geektalk: Scarred and Deformed
Friday, August 25, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Unfortunately, it turns out the truth is less exciting. The people holding the cards are not the people who own the secrets. The cards were provided by PostSecrets, a blog that posts handmade postcards people send in with their secrets. But the secrets are still real and cool. This, of course, is ripe for parody - check out what happens when you type "dirty little secret" into YouTube.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Finally, the answer to the question I needed to know - why? What would possess an otherwise good company to unleash these repulsive monsters on the world and tie it to their product? Much like the origin of the Burger King's Subservient Chicken, the spongmonkeys are the product of the Internet. But here's where Quizno's failed - the original clip is funny because it's so weird. The spongmonkeys are singing about the Moon, but I don't think anyone who saw this ad would increase their support for the space program. It's funny to watch, but that's it. The creatures are repulsive, and that revulsion will be transferred to the product. I personally can't stomach the idea of eating a Quizno's sub. For more on this subject, see Bad Andy. A reviewer at Slate argued that the commercial is brilliant because a) it gets people talking about Quizno's and b) it gets all the information they want to convey. He is wrong. First of all, I wasn't listening to the song because I was too busy staring at that hideous creature. There is a choice - the people who download that video want to see something like that, but the vast majority of people won't think it's funny. I can't see a farmer in Oklahoma who loves Mom and apple pie enjoying the spongmonkeys. And even those people who do like the video probably wouldn't be forced to watch two or three times a day as advertisements do. As for the first argument, that falls under the category of "no such thing as bad publicity," which I think Courtney Love has disproven. If I say "I hate Quizno's," I don't think that's the kind of endorsement they want, even if I did mention their names.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Next time you're in a room full of people like the DMV or the movies, count the number of women with blonde hair. Chances are, most of those women are dying their hair blonde. The reason I hate bottle blondes is it shows a complete lack of imagination. "I wanna dye my hair. What color should I choose? Well, blondes have more fun." There are so many colors in the world. If all you can think of is blonde, then you are not even trying. Which means you're stupid. They might as well wear blue contacts, too, like Paris Hilton.
I know why women do it. Blonde gets you noticed, not because it's that beautiful, but because it's bright. It's like wearing a spotlight on your head. Not to say that blonde can't be hot, but I greatly prefer brunettes or redheads.
President Abraham Lincoln wrote this touching letter of condolence to the daughter of his long-time friend, William McCullough. During Lincoln's law circuit days, McCullough was sheriff and clerk of the McLean County Circuit Court in Bloomington, Illinois. Early in the Civil War he helped organize the Fourth Illinois Cavalry, which he served as Lieutenant Colonel. On
December 5, 1862, he was killed during an night charge near Coffeeville, Mississippi.
Washington, December 23, 1862.
It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father; and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it. I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You can not now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.
Please present my kind regards to your afflicted mother.
Your sincere friend
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."
Monday, June 26, 2006
A few seconds later, the guy comes floating back into the bar.
The old man asks, "How'd you do that?"
The guy says "Oh, there's a draft outside the window. If you jump out, it catches you and blows you back in."
The old man says "I've gotta try that" and jumps out the window. He doesn't come back.
The guy sits down and orders another beer.
When the bartender sets the beer down in front of the guy, the bartender says, "You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."
Saturday, June 24, 2006
My Review of Knightfall
Batman Vs Osama: Holy Terror
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The United States continued to clash with the international community over how to deal with Iran's nuclear weapons ambitions. Some say that a military option should be employed. Others say that a diplomatic solution would be best. Others believe that economic sanctions should be employed. Still others believe that the new X-Men movie rocks.
The president announced a new treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, to replace the former treasury secretary, Tony Snow. In response to the new appointment, the American people were quoted as saying "What's a treasury secretary?"
Jason Grimsley was released from the Diamondbacks after the federal government raided his house in a steroid investigation. The Diamondbacks confirmed that it was Grimsley who requested to be released, and the team oblidged, adding that they hoped the door didn't hit him on the way out.
The Diamondbacks also made history when they released Russ Ortiz in the middle of his contract. The team will owe Ortiz twenty-two million dollars making this the most expensive buyout in major league baseball history. Sources inside the team blame the disastrous decision on the fact that their general manager is on steroids.
The new movie The Da Vinci Code was released to strong ticket sales. The movie involves a mystery behind a museum curator's death that unfolds a conspiracy behind Jesus Christ's death. The biggest mystery? How anyone could stay awake during the movie.
The Omen was released on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the new century. The movie opened to big box office, right up until every theater showing the movie was struck by lightning.
Monday, June 19, 2006
In order to help friends and family understand mental illness better, a drug manufacturer created a multimedia presentation that simulates what it's like to have schizophrenia. NPR has a slideshow with sound and graphics from the presentation. Be warned...it's truly disturbing, if not terrifying. After viewing it, I think we all come to a better understanding of the horrors of mental illness.
UPDATE: I've added the actual ad to this blog post, in case Adrants takes it down.
Booty Double: Jessica Simpson's Body Double
Modern Booty Technology: Beyonce's Wax Double
J-Low: The Fall of Jennifer Lopez
Saturday, June 17, 2006
1. Toilet paper - Use your imagination. It's the difference between touching a feather and sandpaper.
2. Spam - I think Spam is actually pretty good. Imitation Spam is what people think of when they think of Spam; ugly meat with an unfamiliar and creepy taste. As bad as you think real spam might taste, imitation spam tastes worse.
3. Pop-Tarts - There are imitation Pop-Tarts that are okay, but the kind they sell at 99-cent stores are downright nasty.
4. Pens - Even if you do manage to find that pack of two hundred pens for ninety-nine cents, one hundred and ninety-nine of them will run out of ink and stop working within ten seconds.
This list could be longer, but I'm tired.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
E! Network Plans All Brad and Angelina Channel
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Australians held a contest to find the country's ugliest sheep. The winner will be flown to the United States to become the new First Lady of Arkansas.
The president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, applauded high oil prices and called on OPEC to cut production to raise prices even higher. The rest of the world called on Hugo Chavez to be beaten to death with fuel pump hoses.
The United States managed to assassinate the number one al-Qaeda operative in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Osama bin Laden was quoted as saying, "Glad they spent all that time looking for him instead of me."
A new survey of college students found that iPods are more popular than beer. But the results have been questioned because the students taking the survey were drunk.
Fox crowned the nation's new American Idol, Taylor Hicks. At the same time, they crowned the nation's ugliest pop singer.
Brad and Angelina had their baby this week. The baby has already been named as People's Most Beautiful Person for 2007.
Brad and Angelina sold their baby's first photos to People Magazine for 4.5 million dollars. They've already announced what they plan to do with it - pay for Angelina Jolie's yearly supply of lip balm.
In her divorce papers, Denise Richards accused her ex-husband Charlie Sheen of looking at a gay porn website. In response, the website's legal department released a statement that reads, "We prefer the term 'adult entertainment' to describe Mister Cruise's website."
Fox announced that it's planning a big-screen version of the hit TV series 24. There have been concerns about the success of the movie, since it'll be twenty-four hours long. Fox suggests packing a lunch.
Professional racing horse Barbaro broke its leg in the second race towards a Triple Crown win. Many fans worried about whether the horse would be shot, like other popular horses such as Horatio Nelson, Charismatic, and conservative commentator Ann Coulter.
The NHL playoffs went into full swing. And nobody cares.
See you next Tuesday.
Friday, June 09, 2006
It's hard to believe, but there was once a time when laser tag was a bold and futuristic idea. In the eighties, there were two competing systems - Photon and Laser Tag. The fact that the game of shooting your friends with lasers is now known universally as Laser Tag shows who won. Both of them made TV shows, and just like the games, one was better than the other.
Photon was about a modern-day (well, eighties, anyway) teenager Bhodi Lee who was secretly a member of an intergalactic police force. When he was summoned, he would go off on adventures to faraway planets to do battle with an elite team of aliens. They filmed some segments in blue-screen with alien planets projected onto the backgrounds. This idea was horrible. It gave the show a look that screamed "fake."
* The show was Japanese dubbed into English. Amazingly enough, I never noticed this when I was a kid. Shows how long ago it was.
* Every episode, the good and evil teams would race to charge a crystal with good energy or evil energy.
* The aliens were truly freaky. No bumpy foreheads on this show. One of Bhodi's partners wore a miner's helmet.
X-Entertainment Episode Review
Vikki's Photon Page
Internet Movie Database
Chilandra's Photon Links
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
We all know that working at McDonald's is a glamorous job, but few people get to experience it in life. Until now. Artist Garnet Hertz has created the McDonald's Employee Simulator, a shockingly intricate and engaging website that accurately simulates what it's like to work at the Big Mac counter in a real McDonald's restaurant. If you can't work at McDonald's in real-life, this is the next best thing.
A popular psychologist is shot to death by a jealous husband. A millionaire dives into a bonfire of his own creation. A woman starves to death in front of her computer next to a kitchen full of food.Check it out at Nigelgmitchell.bravehost.com
The owners of popular websites are dying, and freelance journalist Amanda Katt wants to know why. Could it have something to do with Arachne, one of the most popular sites on the Internet? When Amanda Katt sets out to answer that question, she gets more than just another story. Someone has found a way to make a website more addictive than any drug. It will make people go anywhere, do anything, and kill anyone to protect it. As Amanda races to unravel the mystery of Arachne's power, she finds herself plunged into a world of death and deception. She soon discovers that Arachne is everywhere and so are its followers, and that she's the only one who can stop it before it's too late.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
more subtle version of the marketing ploy of killing Superman. Batman was killed psychologically and reborn. I want to read the next two volumes in the series.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I thought X3 was a good movie, way better than I thought it would be. But I remember being worried because I had heard Serena Williams was up for a role as a bisexual prostitute who uses pheremones to seduce her enemies. After I saw the movie, I was like "Where was she?" Turns out that role never got off the ground - the idea ended about the same time the director Brett Ratner broke up with her. Turns out the only reason that idea ever materialized is because Ratner was dating Serena Williams at the time. That's a relief.
Top Five Reasons I'm Worried About X-Men 3
Friday, June 02, 2006
They're trying to create a new American Idol with So You Think You Can Dance. Singing competition, dancing competition - two sides of the same coin, right? Here's the problem. When you win a singing competition, that opens a lotta doors. You release a record, it becomes a hit, you make another hit record, maybe parlay that into a movie or TV career. There's no brass ring for dancing. What do you do, become a back-up dancer for Britney Spears? Show up in a music video for Jay-Z? With American Idol, you have the dream of going from a nobody to a household name. Doesn't work that way for dancing. How many people even know who won last year's competition? And that name's too long, doesn't roll off the tongue. Why didn't they call it American Dancer or something like that?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Well, not really...but close. At a concept art forum, an artist re-designed He-Man characters to make them darker and more realistic. Some of them are awesome, some of them are lame, some of them are freaky. But it is interesting to see someone take it more seriously.
Warning: Contains nudity and adult themes.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
The driver says, "Sure have. I've had six beers, four shots of tequila, three margaritas, and a whole bottle of vodka."
The cop says, "Sir, I'll need to give you a breathalyzer test."
And the driver yells, "What, you don't believe me?"
Monday, May 29, 2006
I read an article in US Weekly that Madonna wants to go back to her more shocking persona because she misses the attention (translation: she needs more publicity [translation: she needs more money]). I can understand that. Somehow, the idea of Madonna writing children's books never really fit. One of her ideas is to come out on stage wearing a nude body stocking with whipped cream over her private parts. This, to me, is sad. In an age where celebrities appear on nationally-televised events in see-through gowns, the idea of a naked woman with whipped cream on her is not that big a deal. And she's not even naked - she's wearing a body stocking. Given that ten years ago, Madonna had no problem appearing naked in a book of homemade porno, I think this is an admission that her body isn't what it used to be. Someone needs to tell Madonna to give it up.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
You may have heard the stories about Barbaro, the horse expected to win the Triple Crown, which broke its leg instead. The question immediately became "will the horse need to be put down?" To me, who knows nothing about horse racing, the next question became "why does it need to be put down?" I always thought the whole "horse broke its leg so we shoot it" thing was kind of cruel. After all, humans break legs, and go on to live healthy lives. Turns out that a horse breaking its leg really is life-threatening. Check out the mare facts (get it?) at Slate on why a broken leg is bad news for a horse. For a simpler explanation, try the FAQ at whiterose.com.