Monday, April 27, 2009

Movie Rules: Going Nuclear

Movie Rule #245: Nuclear bombs fix everything

Examples: The Core, Armageddon

You ever notice how, in movies, nuclear bombs are the solution to every disaster? There’s an asteroid heading towards Earth? Throw a nuclear bomb on it. The Earth’s core stopped spinning? Stick a nuclear bomb in it. Aliens invading Earth? Fire a nuclear bomb at them. Somehow, a well-placed nuclear bomb will cure whatever ails you.

If only that were the case in real life. If life were a movie, we could solve all our problems. Hole in the ozone layer? A nuclear bomb throws up enough dirt to plug the hole. Rainforest disappearing? A nuclear bomb spreads seeds and puts nutrients back into the soil so the trees grow back. Species going extinct? A nuclear bomb will cause more of them to spontaneously appear.

Imagine if the movies were like our world. A scientist tells government officials, “Gentlemen, a meteor is headed towards Earth that will destroy us all. We must act quickly. Set up an international conference to discuss the situation. Once the presentation has been made, we'll need to pass a resolution to create an international task force to come up with possible solutions. Then the United Nations will need to approve an international treaty to provide funding and manpower to implement the solution. Of course, the United States won’t agree to it, but maybe we can get them to agree to a similar resolution. Our hope is that we'll be able to put a project into place to stop the meteor in roughly ten years. What? No, actually, the meteor is scheduled to hit tomorrow. We're all doomed.” I’d like to see that.

Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Fatman: The Blob's Superpowers

I recently showed the trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine to my wife, and was explaining the different characters that seemed to be shown in it. Most obvious to me (besides Gambit and Sabretooth) was the big fat guy, that I assume is the Blob. I described him as being the opposite of Juggernaut; once he sets himself down, he can't be moved. He's also super-strong and his fat makes him really soft so it absorbs bullets and punches, so you can't hurt him. My wife pointed out that he has a bunch of powers, which is odd when you think about it. It finally occurred to me that the Blob really only has one power; he's super-fat. All his powers are super humanly enhanced stereotypes of fat people; being really heavy so you can't move him, being really soft and rubbery, even having his own gravitational pull. Kind of offensive when you think about it.

UPDATE: I had a tasteless joke at the end, but I've deleted it.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Bonadouchebag: Danny Bonaduce Lies About His Father

A story Danny Bonaduce told frequently on the air is that his father died on his birthday. The day he died, Danny said he was doing his radio show and was told off-air and said, "Huh, he finally got me something for my birthday," then went back to work. I thought the story told a lot about his relationship with his father, and also his own personality. So imagine my shock when I discovered the story was completely bogus. Danny's birthday is August 13. His father died on August 3, 2004. It amazes me that Bonaduce would make up a story about his father's death. What kind of scumbag would do that? Danny Bonaduce, that's who. That, plus Adam Carolla's candid assertion that Danny often made up stories that he told on the air, makes me question everything about the guy.

UPDATE: Originally this post had the dates mixed up (i.e. Danny's birthday August 3, Joseph Bonaduce died August 13). Some people called me out on that. I fixed the dates. The story still applies.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Fun in a Call Center: Happy Birthday

I had a call from an old woman who had a really hard time understanding me. I mean, when I asked for her name, she gave me her address. I ended the call this way:

ME: Anything else I can help you with?
ME: Thanks for calling. You have a nice day.
[Mrs. Magoo forgets to hang up and I can still hear her]
MRS. MAGOO:He said "Happy birthday."
MR. MAGOO: He said "happy birthday?"
MRS. MAGOO: Yes, my birthday is last week and he said "happy birthday."

I didn't say "happy birthday," I said "have a nice day!"