Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The New World (abridged version)

FADE IN

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND COLONISTS ARRIVING IN AMERICA WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

COLIN FARRELL
I'm Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

Q'ORIANA KILCHER
I'm Pocahontas.

LOTS OF SCENES OF NATIVE AMERICANS AND COLONISTS FIGHTING WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm marrying someone else, moving to Europe, and having his baby.

LOTS OF SCENES OF EUROPE AND POCAHONTAS WANDERING AROUND WITH HER HUSBAND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

POCAHONTAS' HUSBAND
I love you.

KILCHER
I love Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS GOING BACK TO AMERICA AND WANDERING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm leaving you and never coming back.

POCAHONTAS RETURNS TO AMERICA, APPARENTLY DIES

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

FADE OUT

AUDIENCE
What the heck was that?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sadly, this wasn't much of an exaggeration.

4 comments:

Mauricem said...

Wow. And I thought the Postman was boring.

Monkey Migraine said...

Dear Sir,

I thought the Postman was both gripping and exciting. Highly underrated film.

Signed,
Kevin Costner

Monkey Migraine said...

It was amazing. I've never seen a movie with so little dialogue in my entire life. It would give five or ten minutes with scene after scene going by with literally no one saying a word. That must have been a really boring shoot.

DIRECTOR: Okay, Colin, I want you to walk over there, look at Pocahontas, and walk away.
COLIN: Okay. Then what?
DIRECTOR: Then we shoot the scene where you walk into the colonists' fort, look at the colonists, and walk away. Then we'll call it a day.

Mauricem said...

LOL