Saturday, December 24, 2005

Muscle Top: The New Carrot Top

Carrot Top is one of those comedians who's become a punchline. "That guy makes Carrot Top look like Sir Lawrence Olivier." I actually like Carrot Top. He's a funny guy. Well, those 1-800-COLLECT commercials were pretty lame, but a guy's gotta pay the bills.

But apparently, all that ribbing has gone to Carrot Top's head. Or more specifically, his muscles. Have you seen the latest pictures of him?! Warning, this picture may cause brain damage from trying to accept the idea of muscles on Carrot Top. Or from trying to accept that Carrot Top makes you feel inferior, physically. He looks like somebody put the Wendy girl's head on Vin Diesel's body. I think this was a mistake. It's hard to laugh at someone who could kill you with his bare hands.

Bonus: I got this photo from which has an article on this, and the debate in the comments are hysterical.

Geektalk: Arm Chopping in "Star Wars"

I remember when Darth Vader chopped off Luke Skywalker's hand in Empire Strikes Back, it was shocking. But it seems Vader was only following tradition. After seeing the new movies, it seems that there are only two ways to end a lightsaber fight. One, of course, is to kill your opponent. Obi-Wan vs Maul. Qui-Gon vs Maul. The other is to chop off their hand.

Think about it. Vader vs Luke. Anakin vs Dooku. Dooku vs Anakin. Obi-Wan vs Grievous. All ended by chopping off the loser's hand. Or hands in the case of General Grievous and Count Dooku. I guess Dooku was ambidextrous. It makes sense. If they have no hand, they can't fight. But every time? They must have a class on that in Jedi school. "Okay, if you can't kill your opponent, chop off their hand. Right there. Below the elbow." You'd think after centuries of battle, the Jedi or Sith would have developed some sort of wrist armor to keep that from happening.

The only two exceptions were Darth Sidious vs Maul and Obi-Wan vs Dooku. It always struck me as odd when Dooku cut Obi-Wan's arm and leg without slicing them off. He just nicked Obi-Wan. Maybe he didn't have the heart because they were old friends, but that seems unlikely. A few seconds later, Dooku was getting ready to chop Obi-Wan's head off. And Obi-Wan didn't hesitate to slice off his "brother" Anakin's arms and legs. The real reason Dooku didn't hack them off, of course, is that Obi-Wan had to have his hands for the rest of the series. Lucas kind of backed himself into a corner with that duel, and the paper-cuts were his way out.

As for Darth Sidious, he is the only person in the entire series who ever lost a duel without getting his hand cut off. He just dropped his lightsaber. Either that's because he is the worst lightsaber fighter in the history of the Force or he was the smartest. He knew he couldn't beat Windu and wanted to keep his life and his hands, and knew if he held onto the saber, he would lose one or the other. Besides, he knew he could fall back on the lightning.

Note: Turns out there really is Jedi training on chopping off someone's hand. It's called cho mai as in "You cho' off mai hand!" Just kidding.

See Also:
Geektalk: Arm Chopping in Star Wars
Geektalk: Why Does the Enterprise Have Running Lights?
Geektalk: Anakin!
Geektalk: Jabba the Joke
Geektalk: A New New Hope

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How To Keep Me From Reading Your Blog: Lesson #2

If you don't see what's wrong with this blog posting or this is what your blog looks like, then you are the problem.

hay doods wilcum 2 my kooll blog!!!!!! Ay am a 133t dood!!!! My payrents suck!!! I shood b studeeng 4 my inglish test, butt hoo carez!!!! my inglish roks!!!!

See also:
Lesson #1

Categories: misc

Top Five Reasons I'm Worried About X-Men 3

* Movie sequels almost always stink. The third movie is even more of a gamble. X-Men 2 was a masterpiece. Can X-Men 3 break the trilogy curse?
* They still haven't gotten Storm's hair right. Now it's a short black-and-white streaked mop on Halle Berry's head. How hard is it to give her a long white wig?
* They changed the director, Bryan Singer, who single-handedly re-invented the superhero movie.
* The trailer didn't say what the movie is about. That always worries me. Will the movie have the ultimate mutant war they've been promising since the first movie?
* Tennis player Serena Williams plays a mutant bisexual hooker with the power to control men. If that doesn't worry you, I don't know what will.

On the other hand, Beast looks awesome.

Related Posts:
* Ex Exed From X: Serena Williams

Sunday, December 18, 2005

One Small Step For Man: Space Tourism Heats Up

I've come to the conclusion that the most important organization in the future of space travel is not NASA or the China National Space Administration. It's the British company Virgin, run by Richard Branson. Last year, Branson and Virgin successfully bankrolled the first privately-funded space flight. I thought that was incredible enough, but now he's inked a deal to create a space port in Roswell, New Mexico. in five years, the port should be ready to launch weekly three-hour spaceflights for wealthy tourists. Yes, Roswell. Could that be any more perfect? And in case you think it won't be successful, the new company Virgin Galactic has already taken in fourteen million in pre-orders and has 38,700 pre-registered, including William Shatner and Signourney Weaver. This is too exciting for words. The idea of private spaceflights is something that people have dreamed of for decades. I probably won't be able to go, but that would make a great IMAX movie. Okay, so maybe this kind of thing should be commonplace, considering it's 2005. But it's better than nothing. Screw you, NASA. Go float some frogs.

My memorial on Spaceship One's first flight

Categories: science

How To Self-Publish: David Moody's Autumn

David Moody is my hero. He managed to create his own publishing company through clever promotion and good writing. Basically, he wrote a zombie post-apocalyptic novel called Autumn which no one would publish. So he turned his unpublished novel into an e-book that he gives away for free. And who doesn't want free stuff, right? Then he wrote a bunch of sequels to the free book which you have to pay for. Once you've gotten into the first one, you're more likely to pay for the others. That built-in audience made it cost-effective to self-publish the sequels himself and keep the profits. Not only has he managed to get his books into print, but he's taken that momentum and funnel it into non-Autumn-related novels. Brilliant. I so wish I could do that. Maybe I will. To be continued...

You can check out some of my scifi series Nexus on its own blog, too.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Flashback Friday: Electric Dreams

This week, we pay tribute to the classic love triangle between a man, a woman, and a sentient computer - Electric Dreams. It was actually a clever idea well-executed, but the real reason to look back at this movie is how dated its portrayal of computers are. This was back in the early days when computers were mysterious boxes of awe-inspiring power.

The computer in Electric Dreams is made super-intelligent when its owner spills soda on the keyboard. I'm sure the millions of programmers struggling to create artificial intelligence would be glad to know it's that easy. Right now, Bill Gates is emptying a Mountain Dew onto a Cray hoping to duplicate the effect. Unfortunately, the soda-on-keyboard experiment has been done thousands of times over the last two decades, and the only result has been sticky keyboards that no longer work. Then there's the obvious fact that the keyboard is not attached to the processing part of the computer in any way. That part is about as realistic as lightning making a robot sentient. Or lightning making a stealth fighter superintelligent. And who would ever make a silly movie like that?

Fun Facts:
* Electric Dreams came out in 1984. The IBM PC was introduced in 1981. Windows was released in 1985.
* The computer was named Edgar.
* Electric Dreams is a cult classic, most famous for its theme song by Culture Club.
* Much of the movie is made up of musical montages, which leaves about thirty minutes of actual plot.
* The plot, about the computer composing love songs to the girlfriend and its owner passing them off as his own, is at least partly based on the story of Cyrano DeBergerac.
* The computer did not have a big nose. In fact, it had no nose at all.
* The creepiest part was when the computer's owner plugged out the computer, and the computer just chuckled and said, "You think I need that?"
* At no point in this movie was it suggested the computer wanted to plug itself into the hero's girlfriend. That was only implied.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Celebrity Mugshots: Michael Jackson 2003

We all love celebrity mugshots, to see the most famous at their absolute worst. Now you too can preserve that memory with trading cards. Collect them all! Trade with your friends!
Categories: comedy

Saturday, December 10, 2005

How To Get Me To Avoid Your Blog: Lesson #1

If you don't see what's wrong with this blog posting or this is what your blog looks like, then you are the problem.

Well, let's see. This morning, I got up and took a shower. Then I had scrambled eggs for breakfast. Then I got in my car and drove to work. Traffic was a little heavy. I got to work, had some coffee. Went to a meeting. At lunch, I went to Burger King and had a Whopper. Then I drove home. Traffic wasn't too bad. I had a Caesar salad for dinner, and watched American Idol and David Letterman. Then I went to bed around eleven. See you tomorrow!
Categories: misc

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Ouch: Rapex

Warning: This story contains sexually explicit language and is intended for readers over the age of 16. Underage children or adult males with weak constitutions are advised.

A woman in South Africa has developed an anti-rape device called Rapex. The woman inserts the condom-shaped sleeve into herself, and if a man tries to penetrate her, sharp hooks lining the inside of the sleeve will attach themselves to the penis. Once "attached," the device cannot be removed except by a doctor. The purpose is to a) stop the rapist and allow her to get away, b) force the rapist to go to a doctor and be identified, c) punish the rapist for trying it in the first place.

The device has triggered a wave of criticism. I don't oppose it myself. I just think it's kind of wacky. Sounds like a Saturday Night Live sketch. It also sounds sadistic, but since I'm not a woman, I won't pretend to have a say in this matter.

I'd be interested to see the first situation of this thing actually working. But wouldn't rapists start checking their victims to see if there was a Rapex in there? "Now let's see...hey, what's that?" "Oh, that's nothing. Go ahead, climb on. You're losing daylight." Then again, that assumes rapists are smart enough to think of that. It's truly a sad world when women have to insert mousetraps into themselves every day just to get through life. And what's to stop unhappy wives or girlfriends from slipping one of these in? Man, you better come home on time, fellas.

Note: The official site for Rapex doesn't seem to be working anymore. Here's a link to a story about the product at MSNBC.

Categories: science

Goodbye Cows, Hello Paris

First the bad news. I've deleted my "Every Day You See A Cow" blog, just because a) I have too many blogs as it is and b) how would you like to go running to the computer every time you see a cow?

But the good news is that I can announce my other blog, Paris Hilton's Secret Blog. I stumbled across Not Nick Nolte's Diary. I thought it was a good idea, but why Nick Nolte? The perfect choice for me was Paris Hilton. Not only could I explore the idea of a fictional diary, but I get to make fun of Paris Hilton, too. It's win-win.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

A Fat Old Man: Darth Vader Unleashed Action Figure

I had never seen or heard of the Darth Vader Unleashed action figure until I stumbled across a mention at Candice Gilmer's blog, An Unpublished Author's Mind. I couldn't make out the photo, so I looked it up at Star and was in awe. I always hated that shot in ROJ where Luke takes off the helmet and we discover the fearsome Darth Vader is just a fat old man. But that figure makes him look way cool. I gotta get that.

Check it out yourself:

Bonus link:
Somebody at has way too much time on his hands, trying to analyze and describe the injuries of Darth Vader. Oddly enough, it doesn't look like he updated it much with the new info from Revenge of the Sith, though. Guess he didn't have that much time on his hands.

NOTE: It turns out that Candace was referring to a different figure. Whereas I was referring to the Anakin Unleashed figure, she was referring to the Darth Vader Unleashed figure. Both good figures.

Fun With Memes: Google Needs...

I've heard recently how all the hip blogs do memes. In my continuing quest to catch up to what 90% of the Internet already knows, I'm going to give it a try. Here's one I got from glomgold's blog, God Has Wheels:

Just enter your name along with the word "needs" into Google. It'll bring up a bunch of random websites that contain that phrase. Take those phrases and respond. Pretty interesting. I tried it with my real name, but have replaced it with my nickname, because I don't trust you people.

Monkey Migraine needs to be examined, as he is probably not using sufficient preventer therapy. - Says who? I'm loaded with preventer therapy.

Monkey Migraine needs your help - True, I do need your help. I'm trapped in a fortune cookie factory.

Monkey Migraine needs to act fast or it could be his last season at Burton. - Oh, no! Not my last season at Burton! Wait...I've never been to Burton.

Monkey Migraine needs to look great - Already do. *shining fingernails*

Monkey Migraine needs to step up soon - Hey, I step up every day. It's just that everybody else steps up, too, so you never notice it.

Monkey Migraine needs a home ASAP - This cardboard refrigerator box is getting drafty.

Monkey Migraine needs healing vibes too please - Please send them FedEx.

Monkey Migraine needs help to quit smoking - First I need help to start smoking.

Monkey Migraine needs that helping hand - Preferably one that's been washed first.

Monkey Migraine needs blood - It's true. I'm Count Migraine, bleaahh!

Monkey Migraine needs to work on quality control - First, I need to work on controlling quality.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

It's Pretty Much My Favorite Animal: The Liger

Anyone who's seen the movie Napoleon Dynamite (or at least more than once) will remember the liger. As the infamous quote goes, it's pretty much Napoleon's favorite animal. But how many knew this...the liger exists! I didn't. Although the fact that Dynamite drew it with spikes and claimed it had magic powers makes me think they thought they made it up.
Categories: science

Saturday, December 03, 2005

COTF: Face/On

Everybody sneered at the premise of the movie Face/Off, about a criminal and a cop who switch faces and lives. But the medical world was shocked this week over the first successful face transplant. This truly is a new world, one that could lead to an age where faces can be exchanged or replaced with ease. What would that world be like? Sounds like it's time for another...

JOE: Hey, Bob.
BOB: Hey, Bill.
JOE: No, I'm Joe. Bill died yesterday. I got his face.
BOB: Oh. Okay.
JOE: You don't mind that I got Bill's face, do you?
BOB: Uh...
JOE: Because I really needed it.
BOB: Well...I guess so.
JOE: Thanks. But I don't think it'll be permanent. Turns out my body's rejecting Bill's face.

Dear Sir,

A story about a face transplant and no jokes about me? You're slipping.

Michael Jackson

Categories: news

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Mister Deep-Fried Twinkie, Please

The deep-fried Twinkie is a hallmark of the Arizona State Fair. It's in all the commercials. It's a legendary confection, a monument to the excess of this once-a-year festival. "Deep-fried Twinkie? It's outrageous! It's fattening! It's just too much! I gotta try that." And I did.

But it turns out a deep-fried Twinkie is just a Twinkie dipped in the same breading as a corndog and fried. It didn't hold up too well in the process. The cake kind of melted into the half-inch-thick layer of breading, and the cream melted into a white smear. The result looked like a corndog with a hollow center streaked in white, and it tasted like a tube of sweetened corndog batter. In other words, I could've gotten the same effect by buying a corndog, ripping out the hot dog, and sprinkling powdered sugar on the batter. Probably would've been sweeter, too. And all for the reasonable price (*add sarcasm*) of five dollars. That's why I don't like the state fair.

And after all that, I can't help thinking, "Oo, they had deep-tried Snickers bars. I wonder what those are like. I gotta try them next year." If I give in to temptation, I'll give you an update.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Bagel Mania: My Opinion of Flavored Bagels

What's up with bagels these days? My company offers free bagels on Fridays, and invariably I have to go on the hunt through the box for the elusive plain bagel. That's all I eat - plain bagels. I like bagels. Don't get me wrong. That's why I won't eat bagels with any other crap in them. And what psychotic chef is coming up with this stuff? Even if I do get one that I think is plain, I'm still nervous. Are those seeds or flecks of cheese? Are those raisins, chocolate chips, or jalapeno peppers? Is it going to taste like onions? I'm afraid to bite into a bagel these days. I've tried going through the bagels and sniffing them, one by one, but people tend to be shy about eating bagels that've been up against my nose. So I just have to pick one and take my chances. This morning I bit into a bagel with powdered sugar and cinnamon on it. That's just disgusting. If I wanted brown sugar and cinnamon, I'd eat a cinnamon bun. If I wanted jalapeno peppers, I'd eat a burrito. I just want a plain bagel with plain cream cheese. And don't get me started on cream cheese.
Originally written 9/2/05

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Buy Nothing Day

Have you done your Buy Nothing Day shopping yet? If your answer is "no," then you already have. There's a new holiday gaining popularity called Buy Nothing Day. Celebrated on November 25th, the holiday is intended to counteract the rampant consumerism of the Christmas season and emphasize frugality. A holiday you do nothing to celebrate? I like it. But the catch is you can't buy anything. That means no gas, no food, no nothing. Sounds tough, but join me for a celebration of absolutely nothing. Sounds like a Seinfeld holiday. To get into the season, I've penned a song, sung to the theme of "Tis the Season To Be Jolly" called "'Tis The Season To Buy Nothing":

'Tis the season to buy no-thing
Fa la la la la la la la la
Al-ready have lots of clo-thing
Fa la la la la la la la la

Won't buy toys or new appa-rel
Fa la la la la la la la la
Scrape the bottom of the ba-rrel
Fa la la la la la la la la

Stay away from every mall
Fa la la la la la la la la
No matter how much shoe sales call
Fa la la la la la la la la

Eat at home, not Burger King
Fa la la la la la la la la
Read a book, won't miss a thing
Fa la la la la la la la la

Categories: news

Monday, November 21, 2005

Geraldo's Mustache

What's up with Geraldo Rivera's mustache? This question came to mind passing a billboard for Geraldo's lame new show, Geraldo at Large. It occured to me that Geraldo is the only man I know who's managed to hang onto a handlebar mustache for almost two decades, well past the time everyone else decided handlebar mustaches were a bad idea.

Mustaches are out these days in America. Even Alex Trebek shaved his off years ago. And a handlebar? The average male in this country who wears a handlebar mustache would have to be either a time traveler from the 1800s or working for an IT department.

Hey, maybe Geraldo really is a time traveler. That would explain why he got into news - he already knows most of it. Then again, if he was from the future, he would have known there was nothing in Al Capone's vault. Or maybe there was, and it was so valuable that Geraldo stole it himself. Yeah, I can see that. Geraldo gets his employers to pay for the operation to break open the vault, then sneaks in during the night to steal the priceless treasure hidden inside, then waits until morning to break open the vault and find nothing inside. He looks like an idiot, but secretly makes a fortune. So Geraldo isn't really an idiotic faux-journalist with a dorky mustache. He's a criminal genius from the future. heard it here first.

Very Low-Maintenance: Festivus Turns Real

As a die-hard Seinfeld fanatic, I well remember the 1997 episode (was it that long ago?) in which George's father revived and celebrated his own holiday, Festivus. Ever since then, I thought it would be funny to actually celebrate the holiday. Well, like everything else in American pop culture and the Internet Age, several people had the same idea and have banded together to bring Festivus to life. I never heard about it until now, but apparently it's reached critical mass. There are two books on the Festivus holiday, and even a place to buy your very own "high strength-to-weight ratio" Festivus pole. For forty bucks? I think cheap-skate Frank Costanza would never pay that much, but then again, you only pay that once and it's good for decades. How much do you pay for a Christmas tree you throw out in two months? Check out Festivus on wikipedia, your ultimate source on everything.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

In Defense of the French

I make fun of the French all the time, but that doesn't mean I hate them personally. I'm not saying I like them. I've just never really met anyone from France, and I'm sure there are nice French people, just like there were nice Nazis. I do think Americans go a little overboard on the French-hating, though. I think America suffers from an inferiority complex when it comes to France. "Yeah, France, you've got all that culture and art and you're thinner and healthier and have better food and your cities are more beautiful than ours...but you're all cowards! We saved you in World War II!"

But during the second Gulf War...oh, yeah, we're still in the second Gulf War...anyway, I stumbled across a popular pamphlet published by the US military defending the French. Yes, by the US military. Not the modern military, of course. Apparently, during the second World War...which I'm pretty sure is over...a lot of US soldiers stationed in France hated the French just as much as the rest of us. So the US military published a pamphlet called 112 Gripes About The French listing and debunking some of the more popular anti-French sentiments. The pamphlet was re-published and sold like hotcakes in France in 2003 during the run-up to Gulf War II. Good points. But I still love a good French joke.

Q: Why do the French tanks have a forward gear?
A: In case the enemy attacks from behind.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Every Day You See A Cow

There's an urban legend that every day, you see a cow. What does it mean? It means that every day, you see either a live cow or a picture of a cow or a drawing of a cow. A few months ago, I decided to test the theory, and it's been amazing. So I decided to create a blog dedicated to my cow-sightings. It's called, inventively enough, "Every day, you see a cow."

Sunday, November 13, 2005

You're the Man Now, Dog!

I never was interested in seeing Finding Forrester, but I would have gone to see it just for the moment in the commercial where Sean Connery yells "You're the man now, dog!" Well, apparently I wasn't the only one who found that moment beyond hilarious. It has been memorialized in a website devoted entirely to a picture of Sean Connery and a sound clip playing "You're the man now, dog!" The website has become so popular that it spawned a whole host of websites dedicated to images and short audio clips at Join the craze, read the Wikipedia entry on it or read the interview of the YTMND creator at the Wall Street Journal. When you get bored of YTMND, try the second most popular variation, the Captain Picard YTMND.

P.S. I know this is old news to the webheads, but I just heard of it. I'm catching up...gradually.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Flashback Friday: Bionic Six

Bionic Six was a pretty good show in the eighties about a family of six (four kids and a father and mother) who get into a plane crash and are revived by "bionics" to become superheroes. Here's the summary from the Big Cartoon Database:

"Jack Bennet, a secret agent for the CIA, had taken his family on a trip to the Himalayas. During this trip, Jack is called to duty to investigate unusual magnetic readings. He encounters aliens who are trying to obtain Bertomium, a mineral that can increase bionic abilities and give eternal life to its posessor. In a battle, Jack's family becomes trapped under radioactive snow and they slip into a coma. Not seeing another way to save their lives, Jack permits Professor Sharp to operate on his family. Professor Sharp implants bionics in human beings, and the Bionic Six are born. Doctor Scarab creates his own bionic group from misfits taken from penitentiaries and asylums."

I could see the pitch now - "It's the Brady Bunch meets Six Million Dollar Man!" They fought the evil Doctor Scarab who also had a group of bionic minions. Doctor Scarab was a pretty good villain, although his obsession with his last name got old. Why is it supervillains are always obsessed about one thing like gold or spiders or scarabs? And what do scarabs have to do with bionics? And why is it that super-teams on cartoons only fight one villain? Aren't there other problems in the world? Didn't G.I. Joe have other organizations to fight besides COBRA? And what happens if the Bionic Six runs across some other criminal? "Sorry, not our jurisdiction. We strictly fight Doctor Scarab. You need to call the Transformers or something."

Fun Facts:
* The show aired in 1987 for two seasons
* Originally the show aired weekly, then went daily. I only remember the daily version.
* The Bionic Six were as follows - Jack Bennet codenamed Bionic-1 (super-vision and super-hearing), Helen codenamed Mother-1 (psychic powers), Eric codenamed Sport-1 (magnetic powers and a super-powered baseball bat, no kidding), J.D. codenamed I.Q. (super-intelligent), Meg codenamed Rock-1 (sonic blasters, super-speed), and Bunji codenamed Karate-1 (martial arts).
* Mother-1 was hot in a June Cleaver sort of way.
* All of the Bionic Six were super-strong.
* The kids were multi-racial; white, black, and Asian. While that sounds good, it means the Bennets went to the adoption agency and said, "Okay, we need a black kid, a white kid, and an Asian kid. No, we can't have two black kids! We already have a black kid! It's gotta be even! No doubles!"
* There were two white kids. No Mexican kids.
* The Asian character was a martial-arts expert. That's about as subtle as making the black character a basketball player. But at least he didn't wear a coolie hat.
* The Bionic Six were supposed to be infused with a radiation called "bions" that gave them super-powers, but their transformation showed cross-sections of them with mechanical parts. The writers couldn't seem to decide if they were cyborgs or just super-powered. I think they wanted to make them mechanical, but came up with the "bion" thing because they didn't want to get sued.
* In Germany, the legal problems were probably even worse - in Germany, the show was called The Six Million Dollar Family. I guess they figured the copyright lawyers couldn't get them there.
* The Bionic Six had nothing to do with The Six Million Dollar Man.
* The Bionic Six had a giant robot gorilla named F.L.U.F.F.I. Besides adding comedy relief and another toy, I can't see any reason for this.

Episode Guide
Bionic Six Memorial
Fan Fiction
Big Cartoon Database

Up in Smoke: Celebrity Drug Use

What's up with celebrities bragging about being drug users? I was listening to Terry Gross' interview with Bill Maher, and she pointed out that Maher talks about smoking marijuana in his show, so doesn't he worry about the cops coming to his house? Good question. He laughed and went into a bit about how the "character" of Bill Maher smokes pot, but the real Bill Maher doesn't in a "wink-wink" kind of tone. This made me question the whole issue. But this question first came to me when I saw that Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, and Eminem did a tour called the Up in Smoke tour with a marijuana leaf as their symbol.

The question is, why do celebrities feel so free to talk about their drug use, considering they are way more visible and easier to find than the average citizen? Then there's the inevitable phenomenon of a celebrity drug user getting arrested for drug use, and complaining about it. Tommy Chong was arrested for selling drug paraphenalia and went whining to everybody who would listen. Why are the most watched drug users the ones who talk the most about it?

Here's a tip. If you're gonna take drugs and you don't want to get arrested for it, shut up about it. If I walked down the street wearing a T-shirt that says "I smoke marijuana and I have marijuana in my pocket right now," I don't think I'd be surprised if a passing cop pulled me over for a search. Yet Eminem stands on stage rapping about how he's going to smoke marijuana that night, then gets angry when the cops knock on his door. If I wrote a song about cheating on my wife, I don't think I'd be too shocked if she started checking up on me at work.

Here's the truth. Celebrities think they are untouchable because they're famous. They think they're surrounded by a wall of press agents, bodyguards, media attention, and loyal fans. And they think that cops are too stupid or lame to listen to their music or watch their movies.

Then again, the simplest explanation for all this is that marijuana decreases mental functions, so the fact that dope-smokers are too stupid to shut up about their drug use probably proves the point. But at least I haven't heard too many songs about using crystal meth or crack lately.
Categories: opinion

Dress for Success: NBA Dress Code

The NBA has instituted a dress-code for its players. I know what you're thinking - "Don't they already have a dress code? Called uniforms?" But the dress code is for team-related events, including going to press conferences, boarding planes, and doing charity work. It's basically requires them to dress in business casual - khakis, collared shirts, etc. The reason given is that they think the NBA has an image problem, that players are dressing too sloppy or too much like gang members, and they need to have a more professional image.

Personally, I can see both sides. It's true that some NBA players are dressing too sloppy and that it would certainly give a more respectful look to the game. On the other hand, having to sit through a six-hour flight in khakis and dress shoes seems a bit much. So forget that part. To me, the most important part of this is the racial issue. Steven Jackson has called the dress code racist, saying:

"I'll wear a suit every day. I think we do need to look more professional because it is a business. A lot of guys have gotten sloppy with the way they dress. But it's one thing to [enforce a] dress code and it's another thing if you're attacking cultures, and that's what I think they're doing."

While that's a controversial argument and one which I think is narrow-minded, it's certainly far from completely false. I've heard people say this decision has nothing to do with race, and that's just plain wrong. If this was a predominantly white league and the players all wore overalls, work boots, and plaid shirts, I'm not sure we'd be getting such an uproar.

Consider the words of coach Phil Jackson:

"The players have been dressing in prison garb the last five or six years. All the stuff that goes on, it's like gangster, thuggery stuff.

Gangsters? Thugs? Aren't those exactly the words some people use in a derogatory sense to describe African-Americans in general? I agree that wearing do-rags and chain-links around your neck is gangster. But jeans and a T-shirt? Retro jerseys? Pendants? Since when are those gangster or prison garb? I don't remember seeing players in black-and-white striped coveralls and handcuffs getting off the planes. So what exactly is "prison garb?" Answer: Hip-hop style clothing. Which are worn by African-Americans.

I'm not saying it's all racist. They do need to do something after Allen Iverson started punching people in the audience. But they have to acknowledge that the dress code is based at least a little bit on race. At some level, rich white people are nervous because the game has become too black-oriented, and they want to rein it in. Even if that's not true, they should work to avoid giving that impression. I don't have a problem with the dress code, just those who insist it's not about race. When you've got white people telling black people how to dress, it's almost impossible not to be.

Read someone else's editorial on the NBA's Hypocritical Dress Code.
Categories: sports

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Left Turn Lovers: NASCAR Romance Novels

Harlequin announced that it's working with NASCAR to create a line of NASCAR-themed romance novels. We've acquired an exclusive sample of the next NASCAR novel, Left Turn Lovers:

When Billy Bob's racecar pulled up to her house and he stepped out, Mary Lou caught her breath. The way the sweat on his jiggling belly caught the sun made Mary Lou shiver. She wished she had taken the time to brush her tooth, but she knew you didn't keep a man like Billy Bob waiting.

"Oh Mary Lou," Billy Bob whispered. "You're the purtiest lady I ever done seen. I won me ten dollars at the last race, more money than I ever had in my whole life. Would you do me the honor o' bein' my wife? We can git married and spend the honeymoon at Wal-Mart."

"Sure as shootin'," Mary Lou said shyly. "Why don't you put down that beer, come over here, and kiss me with them big cold sore-riddled lips."

Just then, their mother called out, "Kids, it's time for supper! Go get your Pa and scrape up some roadkill for the stewpot!"

Categories: sports, best-of

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Venting the Spleen 2.0

As regular readers of this blog may have noticed, the name of this blog has changed from Venting the Spleen to Monkey Migraine Mountain. That change was inspired by the number of references to spleen venting on other blogs, as well as the desire to give my screenname greater focus. But fear not. Venting the Spleen has become a website.

It occured to me that a lot of my posts have disappeared into the archives, where they will most likely never be seen again. And, if I do say so myself, some of them are pretty good. I also worried about Blogger shutting down or accidentally erasing three years of work. And don't say it couldn't happen. So I've created an archive, a permanent website that is broken into categories for easy viewing. It's not nearly complete, but it's a start. It'll be updated more frequently than this blog, I think, but you never know. I suggest visiting both.

E! Network Plans All Brad and Angelina Channel (Fake)

E!Entertainment Television announced plans to start a twenty-four hour news network called the Brad-Jelina News Network, devoted entirely to the love triangle between Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.

During the press conference, E! Entertainment spokesman Gary Nelson said, “We've spent so much time devoted to this topic that we found we were running out of space. It seems like every tabloid has Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer on the cover every week with new twists and turns. Our audience seems to have an insatiable desire for information on these two. We literally can’t cover it enough, so we’ve decided to deliver the goods.”

The Brad-Jelina News Network will premiere later this month, hosted by Joan Rivers and Ted Casablanca. Programming will include:

* Family Ties – A show about Angelina Jolie’s children and how Brad Pitt is caring for them. There will also be a segment on whether Brad wants to start a family, and if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with his child.

* It’s Official – A daily news show that reviews photos, film clips, interviews, and press appearances dedicated to proving, once and for all, that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are romantically involved.

* That Slutty Whore – a roundtable discussion about what a scheming whore Angelina Jolie is to steal Brad Pitt from Aniston, and tips on how women can imitate her success with the men in their own lives.

* JenWatch – A round-the-clock program that will monitor Jennifer Aniston’s mental and physical health in coping with the loss of Brad Pitt.

When asked about the new channel, Pitt and Jolie’s press agents released statements insisting that they are not dating, and Aniston’s friends reported that she is grief-stricken but remains strong.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Flashback Friday: ...and Son

Children's cartoons are like every other show on TV, they tend to go in cycles. Like how everybody's trying to make a Lost clone this year? And every children's cartoon these days is trying to copy Pokemon? It's like Japan took over American television.

Anyway, back in the eighties, there was a bizarre trend of making shows about popular cartoon characters and their sons. Like Popeye and Son, Pink Panther and Sons, Captain Caveman and Son, etc. I'm not sure which show started it - maybe it was an offshoot of the rush to create a clone of Muppet Babies. There were many strange things about this trend. First of all, they had to figure out how to give the character a son. Oddly enough, I only remember Popeye having a family. The rest of them just got a son out of nowhere. Second, there was no daughter. Like I don't remember Barbie and Daughter. I guess that didn't have the same ring to it.

Fun Facts
* Even though Pink Panther's son talked, his father didn't. In the old cartoons, this was explained by the fact that no one talked, but I guess the new show confirmed that the Pink Panther is a mute.
* Popeye's son was named Popeye Junior. Real original.
* Popeye Junior didn't look like Popeye. And he hated spinach. He would only eat spinach to get out of a jam, and when he did, his forearms and jaw bulged up, and his eye got squinty. No wonder he didn't like spinach.
* Captain Caveman and Son appeared on the Flintstone Kids cartoon show.
* Captain Caveman's son was named Cavey Junior. And he was useless.
* Bluto's son wasn't named Bluto Junior. It was Tank, confirming that Bluto was the last name. So what's Bluto's first name?
* The Pink Panther's sons were named Pinky and Panky. Wonder how long it took them to come up with those? Imagine going through life with the name "Panky."
* Given the rumors about the Pink Panther, I'm not surprised he didn't have a wife. Maybe he used a surrogate mother like Michael Jackson. Or he adopted.
* Pink Panther's life partner never appeared on the show.
* I thought there were more "and son" shows, but can't find or remember them. Maybe it just felt like more.

When You Gotta Go...: Glued to the Toilet

Now we come to the type of story I live for. A man is suing Home Depot. Why, you ask? Because he claims they didn't respond fast enough to his cries for help. Why did he need help? Because he was in their bathroom, super-glued to a toilet seat. He says his friends put the glue on the seat as a joke, and he waited fifteen minutes before someone found and called the paramedics for him.

On the scale of practical jokes, this one's kinda lame. First of all, how did his friends know he would be the one to sit down on the toilet, not somebody else? And why did they decide to glue him into a public toilet instead of his house's? Or a friend's, for that matter. Now that might've been a good joke - "Okay, here comes Bob. Remember the plan. Nobody uses the toilet tonight except Bob." That kind of planning makes the old Saran-Wrap-on-the-toilet-seat trick look like crap.

And why'd they use super-glue? I know it's funnier, but that has long-lasting repercussions. The guy had to have surgery to remove the toilet seat from his butt. They had to cut off skin. Okay, that does sound kinda funny, especially if the guy was a jerk.

My biggest question is, why's he suing Home Depot? Why doesn't he sue the jerks who glued him to the toilet in the first place? It's not Home Depot's job to check for people glued to toilet seats. It's not like they're required by law to have a Toilet Paramedic who responds to bathroom medical emergencies. And they left him in there for fifteen minutes, not like they left him there overnight.

To be honest, I'm inclined to think this whole thing was a scam. I think the guy wanted to sue Home Depot, and had the same mental capacity as that lady who put a severed finger in her chili. I think he took some glue off a shelf, went to the bathroom, squirted the glue on the seat himself, and sat on it. He planned to make it look like it was Home Depot's fault, that they somehow left glue on a toilet seat. But he couldn't come up with a good reason why they would have left glue on it, so he claimed friends did it. You have to wonder about these people. Somebody needs to show these guys the successful lawsuits of people who slipped and fell on some water in a business. It works great, guys. Maybe somebody should start classes on how to sue big companies.

The Problem With McDonald's

McDonald's has just announced they will print nutrition information on its wrappers. Too little, too late, I say. Then again, it does beg the question when Wendy's and Jack-in-the-Box will do the same thing. This brings the whole nutritional thing to a head.

I understand McDonald's problem - they are victims of their own success. They've become the symbol of fast-food, the gold standard. The problem is that when someone wants to attack fast-food in general, they attack McDonald's specifically. As a result, McDonald's is getting all the criticism that should really be distributed to the entire fast-food industry.

Health advocates are telling McDonald's "serve healthier food." But they know dang well that nobody goes to McDonald's for tofu and salads. When we go to McDonald's, we go for Big Macs and french fries. If they stopped selling unhealthy food, their business would collapse, and all the fatties would just go next-door to Burger King. But as long as they continue to sell fattening food, they remain a lightning rod for criticism. What health advocates are asking McDonald's to do is put itself out of business. It's like trying to get car manufacturers to promote bicycles.

The purpose of the new ad campaign is to shift attention away from McDonald's and towards food in general. Fair enough. They're trying to say "hey, look, we should all be eating healthier. Let's all exercise, eat right, and live longer. And stop bothering us."

It's a good strategy, but it doesn't work, because they still need to run ads for Big Macs and fries. It's like tobacco companies producing anti-smoking ads. If you really want us to stop smoking, why don't you stop making cigarettes?

You can't eat McDonald's and exercise. A 150-pound person would have to jog six miles to burn off the calories of a single Big Mac. This is all about hiding behind a smokescreen, not seriously changing the company's ethics.

If I were McDonald's, I would first of all stop marketing fast-food to children. I know it's lucrative, but it's just too easy to say "think of the children!" Take that off the table, and ninety-percent of their critics are gone. Next, turn the company into a high-end place and ditch the clowns. Subway makes money by targeting adults, and McDonald's should too. Next, create a new independent company called McHealth or something, truly dedicated to promoting healthy living. Sponsor children's ads for vegetables and fruits that make them just as appealing to kids as McNuggets. Sponsor marathons and exercise. Pay for physical education and exercise equipment in schools. Of course, this will never happen, and I'm glad. Every now and then, I need my Big Macs.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Maybelline is Made Out of People

There's a truly horrifying story coming out of China. In a nutshell, a British newspaper has discovered that a popular Chinese cosmetics company is using human skin in its products. By itself, that's not as unusual as you might think. But this company is using skin from executed prisoners.

Apparently, they use collagen in makeup to smooth out wrinkles, and collagen can be found in skin. The newspaper hasn't identified the product, but did say it most likely has been shipped and offered for sale in the UK. Obviously, this is sickening. Rubbing a cream on my face, then discovering it contains ground-up skin from a Chinese political prisoner would be enough to put me in therapy. But let's put it in context.

One of the most heinous crimes Nazi Germany ever did during the Holocaust was try to profit off the execution of Jewish prisoners. They figured they had all these dead bodies lying around, why not do something useful with them? So they famously tried to make lampshades out of human skin. I thought that was as bad as it got, but the Nazis never got away with it. This makeup thing is on-going, and the Chinese refuse to admit it's even happening, let alone stop it.

Truly, evil is all around us.

P.S. The reference to Maybelline in the title was intended as parody and in no way indicates that Maybelline is, indeed, using Chinese prisoner skin. Nor is it meant to imply that Maybelline uses Vietnamese children as slave-labor in its factories. And at no time was it intended to suggest that Maybelline executives are a group of slimy, filthy, money-grubbing suits who care more about their bottom line than the welfare of their customers. Nor was it suggested that Maybelline is a cruel and diabolical company that imports cocaine into inner cities to fuel gang warfare, grinds up puppies to serve as lunchmeat in its cafeterias, and is secretly developing a mind-control formula in order to conquer the world. We are sorry if this impression has come across.
Conversation of the Future:
JOE: Hey, Bob, what're you doin' in the makeup aisle?
BOB: Oh, I'm just trying to pick up some makeup for my wife. But it's so confusing.
JOE: Well, my wife prefers Maybelline. They only use the finest skin from executed Chinese political prisoners.
BOB: Yeah, that's what I heard, but my wife read an article on how it's wrong to use executed Chinese political prisoner skin, blah, blah, blah. This one says "Now executed Chinese political prisoner skin-free," but it costs a hundred dollars more.
JOE: Sometimes you have to pay for your principles. But you could go for Cover Girl. Theirs says "forty percent less executed Chinese political prisoner skin than the leading brand."
BOB: Maybe I will. But Mary Kay says they only make products from the skin of executed American Democrats. Ever since the Republicans took over, the prices have gone way down. Heck, they got fifteen bottles out of Michael Moore alone.

Unseen Movie Review: Doom

I'm not seeing this movie for reasons anyone who knows me would understand, but I still wanted to talk about it. So here's my unseen movie review for Doom.

I initially was interested when I heard this was coming out. I always thought Doom had a simplistic but unique backstory - soldiers face an invasion of monsters from Hell. Would you believe they took the Hell backstory out of the movie? Instead, it's about genetic engineering. Unbelievable. That would have been a very edgy story, full of philosophical and spiritual implications that were never explored in the game, which is probably why they took it out. No need to get the Religious Right on their backs. But in terms of bad game adaptations, that's got to be a biggie. That's not quite as bad as putting the Mario Brothers in a world evolved from dinosaurs or making Street Fighter's Chun-Li a news reporter, but it really does go up there. I feel robbed, even though I never planned to see the movie. Especially since all the promotional stuff for the movie is stuff like "Hell Breaks Loose".

And it doesn't sound like the Rock is the hero in the movie. The hero is actually John Grimm, who's supposed to be the unnamed Marine from the game. The Rock sounds like he's actually more like a villain, who's plotting to kill all the surviving humans in the base. Not what I came to see.

One bright spot. The first-person sequence shown in the trailers actually is in the movie, although it's very brief and doesn't sound like it fits into the context. Now if the whole movie had been filmed that way, that would've been interesting, sort of a Blair Witch-type of thing. Anyway,the reviews make it sound truly horrible, so not missing anything there. My unseen rating: D

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

News Nuggets


Officials in New Orleans expressed fears about a mass exodus of residents from the city. They believe flooding, toxic chemicals, ruined infrastructure, and threats of future flooding may make New Orleans look slightly unattractive.

Gore announced that he does not plan to run for President. He plans instead to invent a new Internet. And just for the record, I don't plan to run, either.

Hurricane Wilma slammed into the East Coast, but caused less damage than feared. However, there are fears that other storms could elevate into Hurricane Fred and Hurricane Bam-Bam.

The Iraqis managed to pass a new constitution after considering compromises. The constitution now calls for them to try to kill each other only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Two New Orleans police officers shown on video beating a subdued and unarmed man denied that they used excessive force. They claimed to be merely massaging his head with their fists.

An Arkansas mother gave birth to her sixteenth child. The mother was quoted as saying, "Now I have as many babies as I have teeth."


A new study shows that exercise can trim deep abdominal fat. The same study shows that sleep can reduce fatigue, and drinking liquids can reduce thirst.

Anthropologists uncovered an ancient jawbone of a prehistoric human. The bone's large size proves that it came from an ancestor of Jay Leno.

Medical reports among the elderly show that overall cholesterol levels are falling, but funny smell levels went up.

Scientists warned of the dangers of a future pandemic caused by Avian bird flu. They say the flu can be identified by its secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.


Van Gogh drawings are going to be exhibited in New York. Muggers honored the occasion by cutting off their victims' left ears.

After rumors spread that their wedding was a hoax, photos released to tabloids confirmed that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore did indeed get married. Kutcher complained, "Why won't anyone believe me? It's not like I have a history of lying."

Angelina Jolie received a Humanitarian Award from the United Nations. They said that she benefited the human race with her tireless efforts to raise awareness of refugees, feeding the hungry, and getting naked in movies.


The Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs, showing that the Boston Red Sox' pact with Satan is secure.

Duke's Mike Krzyzewski has been chosen to coach the next Olympic basketball team. The first order of business? Teaching players how to pronounce his name.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: news

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rosa Parks Didn't Do Nothin'

Rosa Parks is dead. While plenty of people will be mourning and eulogizing her today, I thought we should inject a dose of reality into the moment. And who better to do that than Eddie with his infamous speech from the movie, Barbershop.

Rosa Parks ain't do nothin' but sit her black a** down. What Rosa Parks has become is a symbol of the civil rights movement. Now true, I gotta give Rosa her props in that her act helped start the movement, but you know what, she damn sure ain't special, cuz a whole lotta black folk sat down on them busses and got thrown in jail, and they did it before she did it! Only thing different between them and her is that she was secretary at the NAACP, plus she knew Martin Luther King so she got publicity... Look, black people gotta stop lying to themselves. There are three things black folk gotta admit. One: Rodney King deserved to get his a** beat for driving drunk and gettin' rolled in a Hyundai. Two: OJ did it! OJ did it! And three: Rosa Parks ain't do s*** but sit her black a** down in a bus.

Batman Returns Again

Okay, Batman Returns was a disappointment compared to Batman. But compared to Batman and Robin, it was a freakin' masterpiece. Still, I would have liked something different. A more regal Penguin. A better story. In other words, a new Batman Returns. Well, we can't do that here, but we can do the next best thing - present the original, discarded, unproduced screenplay to Batman Returns. It was written by Sam Hamm, the original screenwriter of Batman. I think it's pretty good. Certainly interesting to see what might have been.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

The Last Page of the Internet

Ever feel like the Internet is an endless void of information, education, and time-wasting? Well, fear not. There is, in fact, an end. Click here to go to the Last Page of the Internet.

P.S. I know this is an old joke to webheads. Heck, do a search on Google and there's tons of the things. But I just found it. So sue me. I'll catch up eventually.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Matrix: Path of Neo

I played Enter The Matrix and loved it, but I admit that's mainly because it was the Matrix. I did think that Max Payne implemented the bullet-time effect better years before, and the gameplay was a bit repetitive, and the driving sequences were just awful, and I wanted to be Neo, not Jada Pinkett-Smith. But the ability to jump up, dodge bullets, run up a wall, and execute a punch-kick that sends your enemies flying overshadowed all the flaws for me.

Yet I'm incredibly excited to find out we get a do-over. As soon as November, a new game will hit the shelves, Matrix: Path of Neo. It's not going to try to change the formula. You will be Neo, and will re-create scenes from the movies. It'll even have a different ending...which is good. I mean, do I really want to play Neo dying and being carried away? The previews sound awesome. I really hope this one lives up to the hype.

Unseen Movie Reviews: Corpse Bride

I am a huge Tim Burton fan. Seriously. I automatically see any movie Tim Burton makes, without even hearing what the movie is about. Usually. But I'm not going to see Corpse Bride. Burton has done a lot of twisted things, including making action figures of children with nails in their eyes and turning Santa Claus into a demonic skeleton, but Corpse Bride just takes it too far. Maybe because I'm married, I feel differently, but the idea of a dead woman brought back to life to get married seems so sad and twisted that even I can't stand to see it. Check that. It's exactly because I'm married. I just don't see anything funny about that.

I've read mixed reviews, from people who think it's better than Nightmare Before Christmas to people who think it's absolutely worthless. I guess I just feel like I won't be missing anything. It sounds like Nightmare Before Christmas crossed with Meet the Parents. But I applaud Burton for continuing to support stop-motion animation. This and Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit keep the dream alive. Take that, Pixar.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jokebook: Thou Shalt Not...

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins. After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."

The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"

The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."

Friday, October 14, 2005

Flashback Friday: BJ and the Bear

Once upon a time, chimps ruled entertainment. Seriously. Sure, chimps have been a part of American cinema and television ever since the camera was invented. Usually on roller-skates. The comedy that can be derived from watching a chimp pretend to smile while wearing a pair of pants is apparently endless. But in the 1970's, the man/chimp connection was forged.

Clint Eastwood personified this relationship in his classic movie, Every Which Way But Loose that proved not only that man and chimp can live together in harmony, but that primates can be trained to give the finger. It truly showcased the centuries-old bond between trucker and chimpanzee. This movie was so successful that it inspired a TV series that hangs in the galleries of classic television, BJ and the Bear. I remember this show well, mainly for the chimpanzee, which is not a monkey. It's a chimpanzee. Common mistake.

* TV.Com has the best website for BJ and the Bear
* There's also an MSN group called The BJ and The Bear FanClub.
* Extensive photos and the theme song can be downloaded at Tim's TV Showcase.

Fun Facts:
* BJ was way too good-looking for a trucker. Every trucker I've ever seen in real-life looked like a homeless guy in a plaid shirt.
* In the third season, BJ stopped driving and started his own trucking company with seven beautiful drivers. Just what Charlie's Angels needed - trucks.
* Real female truckers look like men with wigs.
* No female truckers read my blog.
* I always thought this show flopped, but it aired for three seasons.
* The show was so successful that it spun off a TV show about BJ's nemesis, Sheriff Lobo.
* Sheriff Lobo was immortalized in a song on The Simpsons, parodying the theme song of All in the Family with the line: "We could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again."
* I used to like chimpanzees until I found out what they are - filthy, disgusting, ugly creatures that humans love because they remind us of ourselves, but have as much to do with humans as butterflies. And don't get me started on dolphins.
* Dolphins communicate by urinating into their water.

Heil Hooters

The Smoking Gun released the Hooters handbook. I have to say, it's an imposing document. I had no idea they had a dresscode, and never knew it was this complicated. Some fun highlights:

No buttocks showing - Because heaven forbid, patrons are looking at their waitresses' butts. That would be so sleazy and degrading. They should be looking at their boobs.

"Bra must be worn" - Like these waitresses are going to want more attention than they already get?

"No bagginess" in the shirt - In other words, skintight. And long-sleeved shirts are at the manager's discretion and as "weather conditions" permit. Those poor girls, shivering their arms off, going "Please, Mister Manager. It's thirty degrees in here." "Sorry, girls. You know the rules. Now get back in your tight shirts and shorts. We're doing a snowball fight in an hour."

"No provocative nicknames" on the name tags - Once again, I'm amazed at how conservative these guys are. But I guess it's a way of controlling the clientele'. If they had some girl walking around with no bra and a nametag that says "G******", they would have a riot.

"No bizarre haircuts" - I guess mohawks aren't part of the classic Hooters look.

Minimal jewelry - Yeah, we wouldn't want the girls to look trashy. Or is that so guys will think they're poor and give bigger tips?

Flesh-Colored Pantyhose - I wonder if this goes with the whole Daisy Duke, naked-but-not-naked thing? Probably just so they can hire women with bad legs. Again, it's about the chest, not the legs.

Smile - This makes sense, but there's probably nothing worse than being forced by your employer to smile. Look at the way it's printed: "SMILE!!!!" If you're a person who naturally smiles a lot, that's fine, but having a bad day and being ordered to smile has to be the worst. That's why I'm not in customer service.

And Hooters girls have to sign a statement that basically tells them to expect sexual harrassment. It's practically in the job description. Again, makes sense. Imagine if the waitresses of Hooters slapped them with a lawsuit. It would be in the billions. And if you get a bunch of drunk guys around pretty girls in skimpy clothes, that's bound to happen. But imagine that moment when you have the paper and pen in hand, and realize you're basically signing away all dignity, walking onto the job knowing guys are gonna be making cracks about your boobs every five minutes.

If I were a pretty girl, I'd go become a stripper before I became a Hooters Girl. The pay is better and there are fewer restrictions. But that's just me.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Sweet Revenge

How to legally get revenge on people who send you postal junkmail by mailing a box of junk using their envelope, and they have to pay it. This made me laugh out loud. I seriously believe if enough people did this, it would end junkmail. Or they'd stop including postage-paid envelopes. Whichever comes first.

Mouth Bomber

Sgt. Jeffry Leon Lewis Jr., a former soldier, walked into a bank with duct tape over his mouth. When he got to the teller, he handed her a note that said he had a bomb. In his mouth. The bank called the police, who rushed in and grabbed the guy.

Here's the funniest part, to me. They used a robot to peel off the tape. Imagine that decision-making process. "Well, we got him. Go check his mouth." "Wait, I don't wanna do that. He could blow any second!" "You're right. Billy, get the robot." Thankfully, they included a picture of that scene. The guy's handcuffed to a fence, watching a robot roll up to him, stick out its arm, and rip off his tape. And of course, it can't rip it off quick, because it's a robot. It had to do it real slow, like peeling off a bandage. The guy's probably sittin' there goin', "Faster! Rip it off faster!" There's hair sticking to the tape and stuff...

Anyway, it turns out when they finally checked the guy's mouth, that he didn't have a bomb in his mouth, after all. That's gotta be one of the stupidest bank robberies ever. He's sittin' in his apartment thinking "I gotta rob a bank. But I don't have a gun or anything. I could use a bomb. But I don't have a bomb. Hey, what if I put tape over my mouth and just said I had a bomb. That would work." He could've at least pretended he had the bomb in his pocket, done that trick with his fingers pushed up against the side and stuff. That would've been easier. The whole mouth thing is something you need to back up.

And imagine being on line and the guy in front of you has tape on his mouth. Think anybody dared to ask him "Hey, buddy, why's your mouth taped shut?"

But I guess this proves there's one thing duct tape can't do, and that's rob a bank. He should've run in, stuck the tape to somebody's arm hair and yelled, "Nobody move! Or the arm hair gets it! I'll rip it off, I swear I will!"
Categories: news

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Angelina Jolie Now Officially Less Sexy

Esquire Magazine, who named Angelina Jolie the sexiest woman alive last year, has named Jennifer Biel the sexiest woman for 2005. Angelina Jolie dropped to number second. I guess they think that whole affair with Brad Pitt took her down a peg. Not to sound mean, but I think it ups it a little bit. And ladies, don't tell me Jolie's a whore for stealing him away from Jennifer Aniston. You would've done the same thing. I would guess ninety percent of the women in Hollywood, much less the world, who came in contact with Pitt tried to seduce him. None of them could do it except Angelina Jolie. I'm not saying I like her any better as a person - I'm just saying that's a strong argument. It's a sexiness poll, not a morality poll.

As for Jessica Biel, I don't agree with that at all. Esquire said they wanted to pick someone "fresh," which doesn't make sense to me. It's a sexiness poll, not a freshness poll. I'm not even saying that Jessica Biel isn't attractive, but I would never put her in the "sexy" category. Heck, I wouldn't even put her in the Top Ten. She's got that 7th Heaven albatross hanging around her neck. She's too pure. She needs to do a Playboy shoot or a nude scene in a movie or something. I didn't say Maxim magazine shoot, that doesn't count. She's gotta do a Halle-Berry-in-Swordfish gratuitious nude scene that'll blow all our memories of her as a minister's daughter out of the water. Talk to Alyssa Milano, she's the expert at that. Until then, Jessica Biel is not the sexiest woman alive. Now Jessica Alba, that you could make an argument for.

The Rapture For Nerds

After leaving a comment in Digital Warfighter's blog, I thought I should weigh in on this in my own little slice of the Net. There's been a lot of buzz in the tech circles about a book called The Singularity is Near. I haven't read it and don't plan to read it, but if I read the summaries right, here's what it says: there will come in the near future a point where we all become cyborgs. We'll all have machinery and super-intelligent computers wired into us and become immortal geniuses the likes of which the world has never seen. Turns out he's not the first to propose this. Thanks to Wikipedia, there's good info on the Technological Singularity, what Ken MacLeod called "the Rapture for nerds."

Personally, I think that's a good description because they are both as likely to happen. The people who argue it's inevitable use the same argument that cryogenics companies use; "it's bound to happen sometime!" But here are the facts. Let's set aside the fact that human beings don't understand sentience in our own brains, much less in artificial ones. On a more practical level, I'm doubtful of its "inevitability" simply because I know so many people who don't even own a computer in the year 2005, much less would stand in line to have one wired into their brains. Could we all be turned into cyborgs? Sure, given enough time, say thousands of years, but my first question would be "will the time come when it's cheaper and easier than NOT being turned into a cyborg?" Then maybe it'll take off. But even then I imagine my grandmother saying "They want to what? Put a calculator in my head? Turn me into a claymore?" They'll be walking around with their eyes blinking '12:00.' And what if just when computer-brain technology becomes cheap and easy, they come up with something better? That's like someone in 1940 predicting we'll all have vacuum tubes implanted in our chests in the future.

The fact is that only the most die-hard geeks and nerds sit around dreaming of having computers in their heads. Most people are just getting used to carrying around a cell-phone. It's not gonna happen, because people don't want it. Period.
Categories: science

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Baby of Steel: Kal-El Coppola Cage

I knew Nicholas Cage was a fan of Elvis and comics like Luke Cage aka Power Man, but he's taken it to a new level. We've heard a lot of crazy names that celebrities give their kids like Apple and Moon Unit, but this one takes the cake. Let's all wish "happy birthday" to Kal-El Coppola Cage. That's right, he named his son after the Last Son of Krypton, son of Jor-El, Clark Kent's true identity, the Man of Steel. Why couldn't he have named him Clark Kent Cage? That kind of has a ring to it.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Local Man Calls For Free Wifi Access For Himself

Google is one of many companies bidding to cover the entire city of San Francisco with free Wi-fi access. If this went through, it would be truly amazing, a new era in Internet access - free for everyone. Unfortunately, I live in Phoenix, not San Francisco, so this wouldn't affect me either way. But this story made me think, and I have a modest proposal.

I am now accepting bids for any company who wants to provide me with free Wi-Fi or broadband Internet access. It seems to me that it would be much cheaper to give one person free Internet access than an entire city, and it would be much easier. It would also achieve the same goal of giving access to the poor and underprivileged, namely me. Okay, so I'm not that poor or underprivileged, but those are both relative terms. Compared to Bill Gates, I'm frickin' Oliver Twist. And the company who provides said access wouldn't have to do anything stupid like tattoo their name on my forehead or something like that. I wouldn't even ask for technical support. Really, it's win-win. The bidding begins as of now.

Outsourcing Pariswatch

I've discovered that keeping track of Paris Hilton is both time-consuming and maddening. Time-consuming because she's always up to something, and maddening because very little of it is interesting and all of it is irritating. But now I don't have to, thanks to Breaking News Blog. They have a handy blog dedicated to Paris Hilton, 24/7, called Paris Watch. I'll let them do the legwork. Isn't the Internet grand?

In memory of the retirement of Pariswatch, let's do a Best Of feature, some of my favorite reflections on the skinny, big-nosed, talentless, spoiled-rotten skank we all know and love.
Simple Life Reflections
The Ungrateful Life
Paris Brands Herself
Blackberry Juice
Last Night of Paris

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Ronald McHealthy

Now there's the "new" Ronald McDonald. Suddenly we have a surfing clown. Yeah, nothing says health and fitness like a clown. Everybody knows that when they go to the circus, the ladies love the clowns. We've all had that experience of watching them come out of the little car and thinking, "Wow, that clown is ripped. Look at the six-pack on that clown." We all know that Atkins Diet is getting pushed aside by the Bozo Diet that's sweeping the nation. Remember when Jane Fonda came out with that workout tape where she had the big red nose? And I just bought a pair of those big floppy shoes, and they just melt off the pounds. Okay, maybe Richard Simmons qualifies as a clown, but everybody else is dubious.

Jokebook: Truck vs Lawyer

There's a truck driver who's had a lot of bad experiences with lawyers, so every time he sees a lawyer, the trucker runs him over. One day, the truck driver sees a priest walking on the side of the road and stops to pick him up.

Well, they're driving along and the truck driver sees a guy in a suit, carrying a briefcase, reading from a court report. It's a lawyer. The truck driver thinks, "I gotta run that lawyer over, but there's a priest with me."

The truck driver tries to drive by. The lawyer's getting closer. He drives closer. The lawyer's not looking. The truck driver yanks the wheel, swerves towards the lawyer, then swerves away just before he hits him.

They drive in silence for a few minutes before the driver finally turns to the priest and says, "I'm sorry, father. I was trying to hit that lawyer."

The priest says, "It's all right, my son. I got him with my door."

I'm Not A Doorman

I work in an office with one of those doors that needs to be unlocked with a passcard. I'm walking up to the door with my passcard and there's somebody else behind me. Fine. I lean down to swipe my card, then I stop. I look at the guy. He's standing right in front of the door, holding the door handle, while he looks at something on his cell phone. He looks up with this look of confusion, then looks at me, then looks down at his phone. As if he was thinking "That's odd. The door hasn't opened yet. Oh, the guy sees me standing here. Now he'll open it for me."

I'm not objecting to the idea of going in on someone else's passcard. Heck, I've done it a bunch of times. This is what bothered me - it is not my job to open the door for anyone, let alone this white-hole. Not only did he not acknowledge my existence, he didn't even give me the chance to go through first. What I'm used to is someone waiting behind me. I swipe my card, and go in first, then hold the door for the other guy, who thanks me.

But no. This guy acted like I wasn't even there, like I was just part of the automatic system. This is what this fuzzhead does - he walks up to the door and holds the handle like he's on Star Trek and it opens automatically. Finally, after I got him to at least acknowledge I'm there, I swiped my card. He pushes the door open and walks away without even a "thank you" or a check to see if I got through it. I called out to him, "Oh, you're going in first? You're welcome." He ignored that, too.

What I wish I'd done was folded my arms and waited until he either asked me to let him through or until he used his own freakin' passcard. Just to tell him I am not his slave or his doorman. But I don't want to turn into a complete jerk who's known for blowing up at the slightest thing. That is, if I already haven't.
Categories: opinion

Schoolbus Derby

Two high schoolers broke into a school bus lot and trashed the place. While that wouldn't normally qualify as a story, they did do something that made headlines. They got into the school buses and rammed 45 of them into each other. The article speculated they were playing destruction derby, but I disagree. I think they just played too much Vigilante 8. While I don't condone vandalism, I don't blame these kids. That sounds pretty cool. And it only took two of them. Impressive. I wonder which was Player 1 and Player 2.

Friday, September 23, 2005


The guys at 103.9 had a long discussion about what drugs the Burger King ad agency are taking to come up with their ads. I have to admit, I've liked what they've been doing up to a point. First of all, you have to get the fact that they're experimenting with contagious media, the kind of thing that's so crazy that it's good. Like the Ringtone Dancer, who I love.

Anyway, the first ads with the Subservient Chicken were kind of funny, but not that great. They got me with the creepy "Wake Up with the King" ads, though, because they knew it was creepy. Let's face it, if you were in your kitchen, munching on a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and a giant tiger jumped out and started talking to you, you wouldn't be happy like the kids in the commercials. You'd be scared. Just like that guy did when he woke up with the Burger King in his bed. So the King worked.

As for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich commercial sung to the tune of "Big Rock Candy Mountain," that was just horrible. I felt sorry for that guy from Hootie even having to sing it. It wasn't funny, it was just bad.

Now there's a new commercial for their new chicken fries with a fictional band called Coqroq (pronounced "cock-rock"). The name is so suggestive that the DJs weren't even sure they could say it on the air. Even the ads only spell it out. But it makes no sense. What does a rockband have to do with chicken fries? It sounds like they heard McDonald's was trying to get people to sing about Big Macs and said, "Well, we'll just make our own band." They should talk to Jack-in-the-Box about how well their Meaty Cheesy Boys went over. I give them points for creativity, but not for enjoyment.

On the other hand, the website is pretty cool. I like the photo gallery with the hand that moves things around. Can't say much for the music, though. I haven't seen the commercial with the band, but I'll keep an eye out. As for the chicken fries, I'm not impressed. They're just skinny chicken strips.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Jokebook: Tattoos and Fruit

I'm paraphrasing this, because I heard the bit on the radio, but can't find the exact quote. But it's funny.

"I like tattoos. That's something you put on your body to make a statement. It says something about you. Just like these rolls of fat right here. You know what they say about me? They say 'I...don''"
-Dave Attell

No 'Mo TiVo

There was a guy on AM radio talking about that new show Invasion, and how he would "TiVo it." He started saying how he never watched TV before he got TiVo. He said he has kids and that before TiVo, if a TV show came on in the early evening, he couldn't get to watch it, that he hasn't watched regular TV in decades. But now that he has TiVo, he'll tape a show at seven and watch it at ten-thirty, and that it's the greatest invention ever.

This is a problem I have with TiVo. I don't have Tivo. I have a VCR. I have a passing interest in Tivo, and I would probably get it if I could afford it and had cable. I don't have cable or satellite, so there's no point paying twenty bucks a month to tape five channels. But TiVo is a digital VCR, no more, no less. It has a built-in schedule which is cool, and will tape stuff automatically, and that's great. But people act like the VCR doesn't exist. People use TiVo as a verb to describe recording TV, as in "I TiVo'd Desperate Housewives last night" instead of "I taped Desperate Housewives last night." It's not the same thing! I listened to that guy on the radio and I felt like yelling at him, "You never heard of a VCR? You mean you're just learning the concept of recording television?" It really does make me wonder.

I don't like being made to feel like a dinosaur for the crime of not having TiVo. TiVo didn't invent recording TV, they just improved on it. Well, I have a VCR, and I like it fine. I don't have to pay a subscription fee, nobody can monitor my TV-watching (like they do with TiVo), and it gets the job done. It even has a button to skip commercials automatically. Keep your fancy TiVo, losers. Of course, if I get some extra cash, you'll be reading a post about how great satellite TV and TiVo are, but I reserve the right to be a hypocrite. My blog, my rules.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


I'm ordering a cup of coffee off the office coffee machine, and they have an option for sugar and lightener. Lightener? What the heck is lightener? Isn't that supposed to be milk? Or is this where we've gone as a society? First, there was cream. Then there was non-dairy creamer. Now there's "lightener." Yeah, that's why I put cream in my coffee; to lighten it. And all this time, I thought it was for the taste. Why not just jump the shark and put in red or blue dye? Call it colorizer.

News Nuggets


O.J. Simpson was convicted of stealing cable television. He immediately started the hunt for the real cable thieves.

A faulty electrical system caused an explosion in San Francisco that blew the cover off a flaming manhole. However, Tom Cruise is expected to recover.


A man jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium onto the net behind home plate. His friends claimed that he jumped to see if the net could hold him. Unfortunately for the gene pool of the human race, he survived.


Paris Hilton showed off her new shorter haircut, which she said was inspired by her trip to Europe. And in other news, millions of women got haircuts without calling the press to notify them or explain their decision.

Madonna was trampled when she fell off a horse on her birthday. This proves, once and for all, that Madonna is a bad ride.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy

10 Worst Names For Sports Teams

I know it's blasphemous to say, but there are a lot of sports teams with really bad names. Some of them have been around so long that nobody questions them anymore. They should be changed, but people whine about tradition and cost, so nothing gets done. Well, I'm tackling this issue head on. Here are my top ten teams with lousy names. Most of these names are bad because they violate the first rule of sports - name your team after something scary and tough. You want your enemy to quake in fear at the mention of your name, and sports are all about maschismo and toughness. So here we go...

1. Oakland A's - First of all, nobody quakes in fear at a letter of the alphabet. I mean, they might as well call them the Z's. That's kinda scary - imagine a big Z charging towards you. It's got all those sharp edges, it could do some damage. But, of course, it's short for the Athletics. That's the secret even the fans don't like to acknowledge. Teams should be named after scary, tough things. Healthy people are scary, but if the mascot was a jogger running out onto the field, throwing fruits and vegetables into the crowd, that would be more annoying than scary. But the team mascot's an elephant, which has absolutely nothing to do with being athletic. Frankly, when you say elephant, most people think "fat," not athletic. I think that's a sign that even the team is running away from their name.

2. The Arizona Cardinals - Not only does this violate the first rule (nobody's scared of a tiny red bird), but the team itself is just as lame. I mean, when are they gonna even have a winning season, let alone win the SuperBowl? And Dennis Green sucks. Uh, sorry, I digress. The point is that nobody wanders through the woods and suddenly yells out, "Run, it's a cardinal!" Imagine people fleeing in terror, chasing by little tiny red birds. Okay, Hitchcock managed to make that scary, but that's no excuse. They know it, too, that's why they tried re-doing their logo, but it's still lame. Change it to a priest chasing a little altar boy. That's ten times scarier, and you wouldn't even have to change the name.

3. Montreal Canadiens - They named their team after what they are. That's just silly, although it does guarantee that the team won't move to Chicago. Then again, the Lakers moved to LA. But does anyone think "tough" when they think of Canadiens? The only thing worse would be the Frenchmen. That would be kinda cool. You could have a mascot with a little mustache, black-and-white striped shirt, beret, and carrying a loaf of bread. And the half-time show could be him running away from soldiers of different nations. That's why there's no team called the Americans.

4. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks - First of all, ducks aren't mighty. They also aren't scary. Check out the angry duck-shaped hockey mask? Sorry, try again. But worse than that, these guys are named after a kid's movie. Yeah, it was cool when the movie came out, but pretty soon the movie will be forgotten (if it hasn't already), and all that'll be left is a team with a dorky name. That's like having a team called the Anaheim Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

5. St. Louis Cardinals - See Arizona Cardinals. Except for the stuff about Dennis Green.

6. New York Knicks - You know what Knicks is short for? Knickerbockers. I don't even know what those are. According to the Knicks' official website, knickerbockers are dutch "pants that rolled up just below the knee." I can't imagine how this name has remained, except that we shortened it to Knicks and don't think about it. Check out Father Knickerbocker, the first official mascot. Imagine him running down the sidelines.

7. Toronto Raptors - Somebody should've told them the full name of the dinosaur is "velociraptor." "Raptor" was just a shorthand, even in the Jurassic Park movie. A "raptor" is a bird of prey. That means the team is named after birds, but they had a dinosaur for a logo. Never mind how silly it looked for a dinosaur to be playing basketball (which, I think, is why they changed it to an ambiguous claw logo). Try explaining that to fans in twenty years when Jurassic Park is a distant memory.

8. Red Sox - Spelling it with an "X" doesn't change that the fact that team is named after a piece of clothing. They might as well call themselves the Jock Strapz. What do they call the fans? Athlete's feet?

9. Washington Redskins - If this team was called the Washington Niggers, it would've had its name changed twenty years ago. All the people who whine about tradition and how it honors the Native Americans would never say those things about that, especially if the mascot was a big black man carrying a watermelon and being chased by a slavemaster. But the honest truth is, nobody gives a rat's rear-end about the feelings of Native Americans, mainly because most Americans have never met a real Indian in their lives.

10. White Sox - See Red Sox.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

News Nuggets - Hurricane Katrina Edition

Hurricane Katrina struck the East Coast, causing enormous devastation. To keep the flooding from affecting tourism, the governor has renamed New Orleans "the Venice of America." Women on Bourbon Street are still flashing people for beads, but that's so they can tie them together and make a rope to escape. The flooding has been so bad that the governor has proposed gathering animals by twos.

Support is being sent from all over the country. National Guard troops from California, police officers from Minnesota, and looters from Los Angeles. Of course, the looters are easy to spot. Just look for the guy sitting around with no food, no water, no house, and a big-screen TV.

The oil industry warned that oil refineries have been damaged by the hurricane, raising prices further. Unfortunately, the spokesman couldn't get through the announcement without bursting into uncontrolled giggling.

But laughs followed when it turned out the whole hurricane episode was an elaborate prank by Ashton Kutcher for a future episode of Punk'd.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy