Kidstalk: There's No Such Thing as a Pirate Princess

I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share.

There's an overuse of the word "princess" in entertainment for girls. I'm not even arguing that point. It's just a given. But I think Jake and the Neverland Pirates really crosses the line from pandering to flat-out ridiculous with its "pirate princess."

In case you haven't seen the show, Jake and the Neverland Pirates is about a bunch of kids in Peter Pan's Neverland who are pirate-like, except for the murder and stealing and burning villages. They wave around wooden swords and say "yo ho." And they occasionally run into pirates, including a woman called the Pirate Princess. She's exactly what it says on the tin, a pirate who's a "princess of all pirates."

Here's the problem: there's no such thing as a "pirate princess." It's just not possible. First of all, a princess is by definition the daughter of a ruler of a country. Pirates aren't a nation. They're a group, technically criminals. The term "pirate princess" makes about as much sense as a "bank robber princess." You can be a pirate, and you can be a princess who's turned to piracy, but you can't be a pirate princess. You especially can't be a pirate princess without a pirate king or pirate queen. It's just another ridiculous way to work the term "princess" into the show to attract girls.

I don't even really understand the obsession with princesses, anyway. Why aren't we showing girls queens, women with real power? I figure the attraction of being a princess is having all the perks of monarchy (like money and jewelry and gowns and people waiting on you) without the negatives of having to run a country. It's undeserved fame and fortune. It's why the Kardashians are popular right now.

But no pirate princesses. Just...no.

KidsTalk: TURBO Makes No Sense

Turbo is a very frustrating movie. It’s very well animated, the voice work is great with stars like Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson, and the script is okay, if you don't mind the patchwork of story elements obviously lifted from other movies like Ratatouille. But it has a fatal flaw that made it hard to watch: the premise.

Turbo is one of those “x dreams of being a y” stories where “y” is something outlandish, like a rat who wants to be a cook or a pig who wants to be a sheepdog. But Turbo is about a snail who dreams of winning the Indy 500. I don’t mean driving a race car in the Indy 500. A snail driving a car would kinda make sense. I mean, running in the Indy 500 himself, despite the fact that he has no wheels or even legs, and no one actually runs in the Indy 500.

Of course, the moral of the story is that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, but I think Turbo proves the opposite. A snail who wants to win the Indy 500 makes about as much sense as a mouse who wants to become the world’s tallest building. It’s a dream that doesn't make any kind of sense. It’s just not going to happen. This is the kind of idea that should have made someone take a step back to re-think the basic concept. But instead of acknowledging the impossibility, the movie goes through a tortured path to try to make it happen.

While wishing upon a star, Turbo falls into a racing car’s engine and gets soaked in nitrous oxide. The combination of nitrous oxide and a toxic soda he drinks gives him super-speed. I can accept that, sort of. What I can’t accept is that it also gives him other features of a car, like headlights, a car alarm, and even a radio. As funny as it is to see his eyes popping to Snoop Dogg’s tunes, I couldn't help thinking, “How is that even remotely possible?” But I digress.

With his newfound speed, Turbo befriends a taco store clerk (for some strange reason, maybe to draw in a Latino audience) who believes in him and wants to make the dream come true. They go to the Indy 500, where an Internet video of Turbo racing the track leads to a groundswell of support to allow Turbo to race.

Now, here’s where it gets really sticky. They repeatedly try to explain why Turbo can enter the race by saying, “There’s no rule that says a snail can’t race!” Well, no, there’s no specific rule that says a snail can’t race in the Indy 500, but there are specific rules on exactly what kind of vehicle can race in the Indy 500. Emphasis being “vehicle.” Specifically, the rules state only open wheel automobiles can race, and Turbo has no wheels. End of movie.

But no, they go ahead and Turbo gets his race. I’m probably not spoiling it to say he wins, but it all felt really hollow. I mean, I’m used to nonsensical stories in kids’ movies, but Turbo simultaneously tries to ground the story in reality while clinging to a ridiculous premise. I just couldn't buy it.

Kids liked it, though, so I guess that’s all that matters.

KIDSTALK: Dora Has a Freakishly Enormous Head

Okay, here's the deal. I always knew that Dora the Explorer had a big head, but never thought anything of it because of artistic style. It only became painfully and disturbingly obvious when I saw her on a guest appearance on her - cousin, brother, boyfriend, never paid enough attention to the show to figure that out - Diego's show. That painfully illustrates that not everyone in Dora and Diego's world have such huge heads. The reality is that Dora is a horrible mutant who in the real-world would be in a circus freak show. Either that or splitting atoms in a quantum physics lab, because she has a brain the size of a watermelon.

KID TALK: The Man in the Yellow Hat is a Banana

I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share. Today, let's talk about Curious George.

 I've seen Curious George in movies, TV shows, and books for decades, and it just occurred to me last month that the Man in the Yellow Hat looks like a banana. No wonder Curious George hangs out with him. To George, the Man in the Yellow Hat is like a gigantic, talking, walking banana. Kind of changes the whole nature of their relationship. Now I imagine an episode of Curious George where the Man in the Yellow Hat slips in the bathtub and breaks his neck and dies. Then Curious George seizes the chance he's been waiting for and eats him. Then Curious George gets a taste for human blood and goes on a rampage. And the police come and shoot him to death in a furious gun battle.

Yeah, that's the kind of thing I think about when I watch my kids' shows.

KidsTalk: Miss Rosa is Sexy

This is the start of what may turn out to be a series. Here's the deal: I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share. Today, let's talk about Miss Rosa.

I make my kids watch a lot of TV on PBS, because it's educational. Over time, I began to notice Miss Rosa. Miss Rosa has a very small role on PBS - she just does little bumpers between shows, introducing the next program. She always has a little educational thing to do, like teach how to count in Spanish or safety. I found her disturbing for reasons I didn't understand, and eventually I was forced to admit what I didn't want to accept: I think Miss Rosa is freakin' hot. And I mean HOT. I don't know if it's the pretty eyes or the curvaceous lips or her accent or just the fact that she looks so sweet and innocent, but I can't take my eyes off her when she comes on. And every time she says something in Spanish, it gets me going. If she was my kids' preschool teacher, I'd be there to drop them off and pick them up every day. She teaches kids the alphabet, but I'd love to teach her a few things...well, you get the idea. Check out some of her clips and tell me if you don't feel the same way.


In real life, she's played by actress Jennifer Peña, who is also a certified teacher. It was hard to find information about her, because there's apparently a Latina singer with the same name who's more popular. She has a website, which is a little sparse. I did a search to see if I was the only one who felt this way about Miss Rosa, and it seems a lot of guys are in the closet about it. But I did find one article that listed her among the five hottest children's television personalities. I feel better knowing I'm not alone. If you feel the same way, let me know. We can form a club.

UPDATE: So this is my most popular post on this blog, I'm guessing we have a consensus: Miss Rosa is hot. Leave a comment below to join the club.