Saturday, August 30, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
What are you doing? What are you thinking? Do you even know why you decided to put on this ridiculous (for you) hairstyle?
Dreadlocks are not pigtails. They are a profound cultural statement. There is literally no other hairstyle on Earth more identified with a specific racial group than dreadlocks, the one you decided to adopt. Even within African American culture, wearing dreadlocks speaks volumes about your African heritage, and possibly even your love of the Caribbean and reggae. What do dreadlocks possibly say to the Caucasian community? That you listen to too much Bob Marley?
I don’t even understand why you would go to all that trouble. Dreadlocks on African Americans occur naturally, just by braiding our naturally curly hair and keeping it tightly wound. You have to keep tangling it, and not washing it, and putting super glue in it or whatever it is you do to get your straight hair to make dreadlocks. It’s not worth it.
Saturday, August 09, 2014
Turbo is one of those “x dreams of being a y” stories where “y” is something outlandish, like a rat who wants to be a cook or a pig who wants to be a sheepdog. But Turbo is about a snail who dreams of winning the Indy 500. I don’t mean driving a race car in the Indy 500. A snail driving a car would kinda make sense. I mean, running in the Indy 500 himself, despite the fact that he has no wheels or even legs, and no one actually runs in the Indy 500.
Of course, the moral of the story is that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, but I think Turbo proves the opposite. A snail who wants to win the Indy 500 makes about as much sense as a mouse who wants to become the world’s tallest building. It’s a dream that doesn't make any kind of sense. It’s just not going to happen. This is the kind of idea that should have made someone take a step back to re-think the basic concept. But instead of acknowledging the impossibility, the movie goes through a tortured path to try to make it happen.
While wishing upon a star, Turbo falls into a racing car’s engine and gets soaked in nitrous oxide. The combination of nitrous oxide and a toxic soda he drinks gives him super-speed. I can accept that, sort of. What I can’t accept is that it also gives him other features of a car, like headlights, a car alarm, and even a radio. As funny as it is to see his eyes popping to Snoop Dogg’s tunes, I couldn't help thinking, “How is that even remotely possible?” But I digress.
With his newfound speed, Turbo befriends a taco store clerk (for some strange reason, maybe to draw in a Latino audience) who believes in him and wants to make the dream come true. They go to the Indy 500, where an Internet video of Turbo racing the track leads to a groundswell of support to allow Turbo to race.
Now, here’s where it gets really sticky. They repeatedly try to explain why Turbo can enter the race by saying, “There’s no rule that says a snail can’t race!” Well, no, there’s no specific rule that says a snail can’t race in the Indy 500, but there are specific rules on exactly what kind of vehicle can race in the Indy 500. Emphasis being “vehicle.” Specifically, the rules state only open wheel automobiles can race, and Turbo has no wheels. End of movie.
But no, they go ahead and Turbo gets his race. I’m probably not spoiling it to say he wins, but it all felt really hollow. I mean, I’m used to nonsensical stories in kids’ movies, but Turbo simultaneously tries to ground the story in reality while clinging to a ridiculous premise. I just couldn't buy it.
Kids liked it, though, so I guess that’s all that matters.