Friday, September 23, 2005


The guys at 103.9 had a long discussion about what drugs the Burger King ad agency are taking to come up with their ads. I have to admit, I've liked what they've been doing up to a point. First of all, you have to get the fact that they're experimenting with contagious media, the kind of thing that's so crazy that it's good. Like the Ringtone Dancer, who I love.

Anyway, the first ads with the Subservient Chicken were kind of funny, but not that great. They got me with the creepy "Wake Up with the King" ads, though, because they knew it was creepy. Let's face it, if you were in your kitchen, munching on a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and a giant tiger jumped out and started talking to you, you wouldn't be happy like the kids in the commercials. You'd be scared. Just like that guy did when he woke up with the Burger King in his bed. So the King worked.

As for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch sandwich commercial sung to the tune of "Big Rock Candy Mountain," that was just horrible. I felt sorry for that guy from Hootie even having to sing it. It wasn't funny, it was just bad.

Now there's a new commercial for their new chicken fries with a fictional band called Coqroq (pronounced "cock-rock"). The name is so suggestive that the DJs weren't even sure they could say it on the air. Even the ads only spell it out. But it makes no sense. What does a rockband have to do with chicken fries? It sounds like they heard McDonald's was trying to get people to sing about Big Macs and said, "Well, we'll just make our own band." They should talk to Jack-in-the-Box about how well their Meaty Cheesy Boys went over. I give them points for creativity, but not for enjoyment.

On the other hand, the website is pretty cool. I like the photo gallery with the hand that moves things around. Can't say much for the music, though. I haven't seen the commercial with the band, but I'll keep an eye out. As for the chicken fries, I'm not impressed. They're just skinny chicken strips.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Jokebook: Tattoos and Fruit

I'm paraphrasing this, because I heard the bit on the radio, but can't find the exact quote. But it's funny.

"I like tattoos. That's something you put on your body to make a statement. It says something about you. Just like these rolls of fat right here. You know what they say about me? They say 'I...don''"
-Dave Attell

No 'Mo TiVo

There was a guy on AM radio talking about that new show Invasion, and how he would "TiVo it." He started saying how he never watched TV before he got TiVo. He said he has kids and that before TiVo, if a TV show came on in the early evening, he couldn't get to watch it, that he hasn't watched regular TV in decades. But now that he has TiVo, he'll tape a show at seven and watch it at ten-thirty, and that it's the greatest invention ever.

This is a problem I have with TiVo. I don't have Tivo. I have a VCR. I have a passing interest in Tivo, and I would probably get it if I could afford it and had cable. I don't have cable or satellite, so there's no point paying twenty bucks a month to tape five channels. But TiVo is a digital VCR, no more, no less. It has a built-in schedule which is cool, and will tape stuff automatically, and that's great. But people act like the VCR doesn't exist. People use TiVo as a verb to describe recording TV, as in "I TiVo'd Desperate Housewives last night" instead of "I taped Desperate Housewives last night." It's not the same thing! I listened to that guy on the radio and I felt like yelling at him, "You never heard of a VCR? You mean you're just learning the concept of recording television?" It really does make me wonder.

I don't like being made to feel like a dinosaur for the crime of not having TiVo. TiVo didn't invent recording TV, they just improved on it. Well, I have a VCR, and I like it fine. I don't have to pay a subscription fee, nobody can monitor my TV-watching (like they do with TiVo), and it gets the job done. It even has a button to skip commercials automatically. Keep your fancy TiVo, losers. Of course, if I get some extra cash, you'll be reading a post about how great satellite TV and TiVo are, but I reserve the right to be a hypocrite. My blog, my rules.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


I'm ordering a cup of coffee off the office coffee machine, and they have an option for sugar and lightener. Lightener? What the heck is lightener? Isn't that supposed to be milk? Or is this where we've gone as a society? First, there was cream. Then there was non-dairy creamer. Now there's "lightener." Yeah, that's why I put cream in my coffee; to lighten it. And all this time, I thought it was for the taste. Why not just jump the shark and put in red or blue dye? Call it colorizer.

News Nuggets


O.J. Simpson was convicted of stealing cable television. He immediately started the hunt for the real cable thieves.

A faulty electrical system caused an explosion in San Francisco that blew the cover off a flaming manhole. However, Tom Cruise is expected to recover.


A man jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium onto the net behind home plate. His friends claimed that he jumped to see if the net could hold him. Unfortunately for the gene pool of the human race, he survived.


Paris Hilton showed off her new shorter haircut, which she said was inspired by her trip to Europe. And in other news, millions of women got haircuts without calling the press to notify them or explain their decision.

Madonna was trampled when she fell off a horse on her birthday. This proves, once and for all, that Madonna is a bad ride.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy

10 Worst Names For Sports Teams

I know it's blasphemous to say, but there are a lot of sports teams with really bad names. Some of them have been around so long that nobody questions them anymore. They should be changed, but people whine about tradition and cost, so nothing gets done. Well, I'm tackling this issue head on. Here are my top ten teams with lousy names. Most of these names are bad because they violate the first rule of sports - name your team after something scary and tough. You want your enemy to quake in fear at the mention of your name, and sports are all about maschismo and toughness. So here we go...

1. Oakland A's - First of all, nobody quakes in fear at a letter of the alphabet. I mean, they might as well call them the Z's. That's kinda scary - imagine a big Z charging towards you. It's got all those sharp edges, it could do some damage. But, of course, it's short for the Athletics. That's the secret even the fans don't like to acknowledge. Teams should be named after scary, tough things. Healthy people are scary, but if the mascot was a jogger running out onto the field, throwing fruits and vegetables into the crowd, that would be more annoying than scary. But the team mascot's an elephant, which has absolutely nothing to do with being athletic. Frankly, when you say elephant, most people think "fat," not athletic. I think that's a sign that even the team is running away from their name.

2. The Arizona Cardinals - Not only does this violate the first rule (nobody's scared of a tiny red bird), but the team itself is just as lame. I mean, when are they gonna even have a winning season, let alone win the SuperBowl? And Dennis Green sucks. Uh, sorry, I digress. The point is that nobody wanders through the woods and suddenly yells out, "Run, it's a cardinal!" Imagine people fleeing in terror, chasing by little tiny red birds. Okay, Hitchcock managed to make that scary, but that's no excuse. They know it, too, that's why they tried re-doing their logo, but it's still lame. Change it to a priest chasing a little altar boy. That's ten times scarier, and you wouldn't even have to change the name.

3. Montreal Canadiens - They named their team after what they are. That's just silly, although it does guarantee that the team won't move to Chicago. Then again, the Lakers moved to LA. But does anyone think "tough" when they think of Canadiens? The only thing worse would be the Frenchmen. That would be kinda cool. You could have a mascot with a little mustache, black-and-white striped shirt, beret, and carrying a loaf of bread. And the half-time show could be him running away from soldiers of different nations. That's why there's no team called the Americans.

4. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks - First of all, ducks aren't mighty. They also aren't scary. Check out the angry duck-shaped hockey mask? Sorry, try again. But worse than that, these guys are named after a kid's movie. Yeah, it was cool when the movie came out, but pretty soon the movie will be forgotten (if it hasn't already), and all that'll be left is a team with a dorky name. That's like having a team called the Anaheim Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

5. St. Louis Cardinals - See Arizona Cardinals. Except for the stuff about Dennis Green.

6. New York Knicks - You know what Knicks is short for? Knickerbockers. I don't even know what those are. According to the Knicks' official website, knickerbockers are dutch "pants that rolled up just below the knee." I can't imagine how this name has remained, except that we shortened it to Knicks and don't think about it. Check out Father Knickerbocker, the first official mascot. Imagine him running down the sidelines.

7. Toronto Raptors - Somebody should've told them the full name of the dinosaur is "velociraptor." "Raptor" was just a shorthand, even in the Jurassic Park movie. A "raptor" is a bird of prey. That means the team is named after birds, but they had a dinosaur for a logo. Never mind how silly it looked for a dinosaur to be playing basketball (which, I think, is why they changed it to an ambiguous claw logo). Try explaining that to fans in twenty years when Jurassic Park is a distant memory.

8. Red Sox - Spelling it with an "X" doesn't change that the fact that team is named after a piece of clothing. They might as well call themselves the Jock Strapz. What do they call the fans? Athlete's feet?

9. Washington Redskins - If this team was called the Washington Niggers, it would've had its name changed twenty years ago. All the people who whine about tradition and how it honors the Native Americans would never say those things about that, especially if the mascot was a big black man carrying a watermelon and being chased by a slavemaster. But the honest truth is, nobody gives a rat's rear-end about the feelings of Native Americans, mainly because most Americans have never met a real Indian in their lives.

10. White Sox - See Red Sox.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

News Nuggets - Hurricane Katrina Edition

Hurricane Katrina struck the East Coast, causing enormous devastation. To keep the flooding from affecting tourism, the governor has renamed New Orleans "the Venice of America." Women on Bourbon Street are still flashing people for beads, but that's so they can tie them together and make a rope to escape. The flooding has been so bad that the governor has proposed gathering animals by twos.

Support is being sent from all over the country. National Guard troops from California, police officers from Minnesota, and looters from Los Angeles. Of course, the looters are easy to spot. Just look for the guy sitting around with no food, no water, no house, and a big-screen TV.

The oil industry warned that oil refineries have been damaged by the hurricane, raising prices further. Unfortunately, the spokesman couldn't get through the announcement without bursting into uncontrolled giggling.

But laughs followed when it turned out the whole hurricane episode was an elaborate prank by Ashton Kutcher for a future episode of Punk'd.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy

Monday, September 05, 2005

GeekTalk: Space Signals

Why does the starship Enterprise have running lights? I know the answer is "Because that way other ships can see it. It's dark out there." That makes sense on airplanes, but are spaceships really navigating by looking out the window?

They have all those fancy sensors, scanners, holograms, and starmaps. They always go "I'm picking up a Klingon warship on our sensors." I've never seen Data pointing out the window and going, "Does that look like a spaceship to you?" I've never seen them come out of warp and suddenly Captain Picard yells, "Look out, lights! Hard right!"

Why don't they just put turn signals on the Enterprise while they're at it? And when the ship backs up, make it go "beep, beep, beep?" Seems like a waste of power to me. If you can't tell a spaceship is heading towards you at a thousand miles an hour, little lights on its nose aren't gonna help.