Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Fun in a Call Center: Jews in Kansas

I got a call from someone in Kansas who said the following:

DOROTHY: Her name is Jew-Wah-Nee-Tah Lewis.
ME: Could you spell the first name for me?

I'm guessing they don't have too many Hispanics in Kansas.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

If Microsoft Made Medication...

If Microsoft made medication...

10. Anyone who took them would be more vulnerable to catching viruses.
9. The drugs would cause you to collapse into unconsciousness at random times. This would be known as a "system crash."
8. It would be hard to tell if you were taking the right drug, because Microsoft would make all its medication look exactly the same - square and gray.
7. Even though Microsoft says their drugs are "Gulp-and-Go" compatible, only certain people can take Microsoft drugs. Anyone else who tries to take Microsoft drugs dies immediately. The only way to tell if you're compatible with Microsoft drugs is to take them and see if you die.
6. You could only buy Microsoft drugs from Microsoft pharmacies.
5. The drugs would have hundreds of side effects, all of which would be identified only by esoteric numbers that no one understood.
4. You would never know when you would suffer the dreaded Blue Spleen of Death.
3. Every time Microsoft released a new batch of the medication, the old pills would stop working.
2. Whenever someone identified a problem with the medication, instead of fixing the medication, Microsoft would release other drugs to take to fix the problems with the first one.
1. No one could take non-Microsoft drugs, because Microsoft would design its drugs to have lethal interactions with other manufacturer's drugs.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Every episode of "House, MD" in a Nutshell

Why sit through endless episodes of House, MD when you can enjoy the entire series all at once? Here's every episode of House, MD in a nutshell.




HOUSE: I'm a genius and everyone else is an idiot. Including the patient. I hate you all.

TEAM MEMBER 1: I think it's a very simple and common disease the viewer's never heard of.
TEAM MEMBER 2: I think it's a complex and rare disease the viewer's never heard of.
TEAM MEMBER 3: I don't know what it is.
HOUSE: You're all idiots.
TEAM MEMBER 1: Do you know what it is?
HOUSE: No, but I know all your ideas are stupid. Let's run a series of tests and give them medications to treat every possible condition they might have until the patient gets better.



HOUSE: Well, that didn't work. Whose stupid idea was that, anyway?
HOUSE: In that case, it was a brilliant idea.
HOUSE'S BOSS: Your actions risked the life of your patient. You've violated every rule and law of the medical profession. By any measure, you should have been barred from practicing medicine years ago. But I'm not going to fire you.
HOUSE: Why not?
HOUSE'S BOSS: Good question.
HOUSE: Wait a minute. My keen and analytical mind has noticed some small fact that escaped everyone else's notice. It turns out the patient has an entirely different disease the viewer's never heard of. Give them this.
PATIENT: I'm cured. Thank you, Doctor.
HOUSE: I hate you.


Flowers in the Attic 2008: The Austrian Incest Rapist

Here's 2008's candidate for parent of the year: Josef Fritzl, a father who imprisoned his own daughter in his cellar for twenty-four years. Not even his wife who lived in the house knew what was happening. During that time, he raped her and fathered seven of his own grandchildren. The story reminds me of the novel "Flowers in the Attic," but taken to a level even that author would never have thought believable. The truly amazing thing about this story is that the more you learn, the worse it gets. You wouldn't think a story like that could get worse, but consider this:
* He forced his daughter to write a note claiming that she was running off with a cult, so no one would question her disappearance. His wife never even suspected that their daughter lived right under her feet for decades.
* Of the seven children he fathered, he arranged for three of them to be left on the doorstep to be raised by his unsuspecting wife as foundlings. Three of them remained underground for their entire lives, never seeing natural sunlight. The seventh child died of neglect when the "father" refused medical care after birth.
* Fritzl never even bothered to name the children born by his daughter.
* The daughter and children were forced to expand and construct their own prison.

This story is still unfolding. You can follow it through Topix, if you dare.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Jokebook: Circular Stampede

POLICE: 911, what is your emergency?
BLONDE: You have to help me. I'm surrounded by wild animals. I've been running for hours, and they're still chasing me.
POLICE: Okay, ma'am, calm down. Tell me what's going on. What kind of animals are chasing you?
BLONDE: There's a zebra behind me, a lion in front of me, a gazelle to my left, and a rhino on my right.
POLICE: Okay, ma'am, here's my suggestion - get off the merry-go-round.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Jonesin' for Heroin: Jury Duty Drop-Outs

I recently served on jury duty, but didn't get selected. I personally would like to serve on a jury...big fan of Law and Order...but apparently some people don't. In fact, two people more than others. They both did the same thing, trying to portray themselves as so horrible that they would not be suitable candidates for jury duty. And both of them went too far.

For example, Daniel Ellis of Cape Cod wrote on his questionairre that he is homophobic, racist, and a compulsive liar. On MSNBC, there's an excerpt from his exchange with the judge that I found hilarious.

Another man tried the same trick by writing that he had a "jonesin' for heroin". He also said that he had killed a man. But at least he didn't try to follow up on it when he showed up in court.

Just sit in the jury box, people. It's not that bad, and your attempts to get out of it could lead to sitting in another seat: the defendant's.