Thursday, July 28, 2005

Mitch Hedburg All Together

Mitch Hedburg was a great comedian. The first time I heard him, I thought he could be the next Steven Wright. But he died in the usual manner of great comedians, drugging himself to death. Anyway, there's a page of his quotes at Wikiquote, and it's hysterical. I gotta get that guy's CDs. Also check out his official website. I had no idea he was so popular until I heard some of his bits on All Comedy Radio.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Blogging Evil

Prepare to enter a dark new world where even criminals use the Internet. Case in point, a kidnapper, child molester, and suspected serial killer kept a blog called The Fifth Nail. It's kept up-to-date right before he went on the run after kidnapping two children whose family was bludgeoned to death. One of the last entries reads: "The demons have taken over." It's hard to read because you're reading one man's descent into insanity, but it is fascinating to witness nonetheless.

The Bride of Cruise

A lot has been said about the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes engagement. It seems like the majority of people don't believe it's real...and with activity like this, who blames what does it all mean?

Most people said it was a publicity stunt for their movies, which never made sense to me. Katie Holmes, I could believe. She's a minor celebrity with a bit part in a popular movie, so she had a lot to gain. But Tom Cruise in a Steven Spielberg movie? The only way Tom Cruise could get more publicity is if he set himself on fire and ran naked through Times Square. He sure didn't have to cook up a fake romance for publicity. No, I believe it's something deeper.

Let's look at the facts. Tom Cruise has become an enormous shill for the Scientology Church, pretty much the only credible member they have left. I mean, would you convert for John Travolta or Lisa-Marie Presley? Not only has Tom Cruise become more visible with Katie Holmes, he's also become more outspoken about Scientology. There's his anti-psychiatry rants, his appearances at church openings, etc. Can't be a coincedence. Before this whole thing broke out, how many people even knew Cruise was into Scientology?

Then there's the fact that Cruise sought out a celebrity partner like he was shopping for a new car. We know Holmes wasn't his first choice. Scarlett Johannsen almost got sandbagged by Cruise when a "business meeting" turned into a recruitment seminar. If we assume Holmes got the same treatment, then she was totally brainwashed. There are even rumors that she might have gotten a five million dollar contract to play out the charade. So Holmes had nothing to do with it.

Here's what I think. Scientology hasn't been cool since the eighties, and I'm sure Kaballah is cutting into their share of celebrity religious kooks.

I think they decided to turn Tom Cruise into a walking billboard for Scientology. He has a new movie coming out, and lots of interviews. Perfect time to bust out. Official church policy calls for recruiting celebrities, but I haven't heard of a new recruit in a long time. They needed new blood. But Nicole Kidman didn't convert, and neither would Penelope Cruz. Scientology also has a policy of arranging marriages. I think they ordered Cruise to find a new girlfriend/wife who could be publicly converted, then paraded around to show how great the church is. Holmes was the last resort. Now the two of them are parading around the world, drawing attention back to the church. But it won't work, because Cruise is a nutcase, and Holmes is a zombie, and everyone knows it.

Anyway, that's what I think. The amazing thing about researching Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is that the more you read, the more bizarre it becomes.

On the topic of how sick Katie Holmes is:
* She has a Scientology "minder" who follows her everywhere, even into the bathroom, and openly tells her what to say.
* She disappeared for sixteen days when even her own family didn't know where she was, and when she re-appeared she was suddenly in love with Tom Cruise and Scientology.
* In interviews, Holmes appears vacant and repeats the same phrases over and over again, regardless of the question.

Some good editorials on the topic:
* Eyes Wide Nut
* Is Tom Cruise Nuts Or What
* Hard For Me To Say I'm Sorry

Some interviews that show how Cruise has gone off the tracks:
* Rolling Stone
* Sixty Minutes

And then there's my favorite link: Tom Cruise is

But seriously, try typing Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes into Google News. It could almost be a full-time job charting this.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

News Nuggets


The inventor of the frozen TV dinner died this week. Unfortunately, he went to Hell, where he will be eternally roasted with one corner of the plastic peeled back and stirred every five minutes.

New York released plans for the replacement of the World Trade Center, dubbed the Freedom Tower. The Tower is designed with a solid base that is intended to make the building completely bomb-proof, which means Madonna's movies will not be allowed inside.

A second case of Mad Cow Disease has been traced to a cow in Texas. Fearing another ban on American beef worldwide, the FDA insisted it was merely a case of Slightly Annoyed Cow Disease.

A new study showed that one in three Americans believe in ghosts, but further investigation showed they were just watching the Michael Jackson trial.

The launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed in order to examine the fuel system. It's all part of NASA's radical new policy, "Don't kill the astronauts."


Brad Pitt contracted viral meningitis after traveling to Ethiopia with Angelina Jolie. When asked in the hospital whether he regretted the trip, Pitt said, "Risk contracting a potentially fatal illness to hang out with Angelina Jolie? It's worth it."

Harry Potter's new book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has sold millions of copies in its first week of release,. J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, attributes her success to hard work, imagination, and a pact with Satan.

The movie War of the Worlds was released. It's about Tom Cruise suing extraterrestrials for telling the National Enquirer that he was anally probed.

In an interview, Tom Cruise went into another rant about the evils of psychiatry. He also ranted against more money, a nose job, and other things he badly needs


The players and owners of the National Hockey League signed a new collective bargaining agreement, allowing the game's return after a year's lockout. The most common response to the news by the general public: "What's hockey?"

Danny Way broke a world's record when he jumped a skateboard over the Great Wall of China. An hour later, he wanted to jump it again.

See you next Tuesday.

Ultimate Wimpmobile

The other day I was driving around and saw a car with one of those license-plate frames on it. The frame said "Ultimate Pimpmobile." That would be pretty cool, except the car driving it was a Honda Element. I said a Honda Element. Not only is the Element (in my opinion) one of the ugliest cars on the road, but it is definitely not a pimpmobile. A Honda Element is a pimpmobile like Linda Tripp is a supermodel. The only ho's that pimp is driving are soccer moms. I know the dude wants to feel like he's rolling, but he should've thought of that before he bought the car. Or at least stood up to his wife when he bought it. I can see that scene - "I want the Porsche. How about the Oldsmobile? Hummer? Okay, fine, we'll get the Honda Element. But I get to put an 'ultimate pimpmobile' frame on the license plate." Yeah, that helps. And what's up with pimps, anyway? Since when did beating and forcing teenage runaways and drug addicts to sleep with scabby old men become cool? I guess since being surrounded by beautiful women and lots of money became cool. I gotta rent SUperFly.

Jokebook: Vow of Silence

There's a monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence, but at a special dinner, one monk is allowed to say one thing every year. So one year at this dinner, one monk stands up and says, “I really enjoy the mashed potatoes they serve here at the monastery.” And he sits down.

At the next year’s dinner, another monk stands up and says, “I hate the mashed potatoes they serve here at the monastery.” And he sits down.

The next year, the head monk stands up and says, “I’m sick and tired of the constant bickering.”

Friday, July 22, 2005

Flashback Friday: Captain Caveman

I'd like to find out exactly how someone came up with the idea of a caveman superhero. Of course, I'm talking about Captain Caveman. But I mean, when you look at a picture of a Cro-Magnon, you don't think superhero. Now I can see how that would work. A caveman superhero could be super-strong, super-athletic like Tarzan swinging from buildings. There have certainly been worse superheroes. But that's not what they did with Captain Caveman.

No, first they made him look more like Cousin It than Lucy. Then they decided to give him a magic club that has dinosaur heads pop out to do stuff like knock out bad guys, sort of like a portable version of Fred Flintstone's living room. Never saw that on the Discovery Channel. And it flies. Again, cavemen aren't really known for flying.

But somehow it worked. I loved Captain Caveman, especially his "Captain...CAVE-MA-A-A-A-AN" battle cry. I'm just glad somebody looked at him and said, "Uh, maybe we should put him in the Stone Age" and put him in the Flintstones. That gave him more context, but did bring up the question why he was the only caveman-looking guy in an age of cavemen. Still, it made him more like a prehistoric Superman than a Scooby-Doo clone. I'd like to see somebody remake Captain Caveman as a serious superhero with an ape-like appearance, transported from the prehistoric era to our time, super-strong and swinging from buildings like a hairy Batman. The more I think about it, the cooler it seems. Dang, I wish I could draw.

Best Captain Caveman website is Freddy Corven's at Geocities.

Fun Facts:
* Captain Caveman first appeared as a minor character on the Scooby-Doo Team of Laff-A-Lympics. He was so popular, they spun him off onto his own show.
* Captain Caveman's first show was intended as a, Charlie's Angels with Captain Caveman unfrozen by and leading a team of beautiful women. That's what Charlie's Angels needed...a caveman.
* On the Flintstone Comedy Show, Captain Caveman had the improbable secret identity of a reporter (ala' Clark Kent).

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Booty Double: Jessica Simpson's Body Double

Jessica Simpson is still insisting that she didn't use a butt double in Dukes of Hazzard. I don't know who she's fooling. You watch the long shots and she's got a flat butt, then you see a shot of a nice curvy booty packing those shorts, then she turns around, and you cut back to Jessica. Does she think we're not going to notice that the only time she's got junk in the trunk is when we don't see her face? Of course, this comes as no surprise to regular readers of this blog, because I tackled this hard-hitting subject months ago.

We All Scream

I used to lick the cake batter off the spatula when I was a kid, and it was great. I don't bake cakes that much anymore, and I'm afraid of getting sick from the raw eggs. But when I heard they had cake batter-flavored ice cream, I was there. The only thing that stopped me is that I don't eat much ice cream, and I never got around to it. But my wife was terrified of cake-batter ice cream. I thought it was silly to worry about that because surely they wouldn't use real cake-batter ingredients. It would be artificial flavoring.

Imagine my surprise when I found out Cold Stone Creamery had to recall their cake-batter ice cream because of salmonella poisoning. I don't know how salmonella would get in their ice cream, but given that salmonella is found in raw pultry or eggs leads me to conclude that the idiots were mixing real egg into their ice cream. Why would they do something so stupid? Well, I found a comment in a blog by a Cold Stone worker who insisted you couldn't get salmonella from it, because the bacteria is in the yoke, and they use powdered egg whites, and the ice cream is too cold to allow the bacteria to thrive, etc. Sure.

That's got to be the best news for a food manufacturer - "our product is killing people." Imagine how that would feel to get a nice delicious cup of ice cream, and end up in the hospital. Symptoms include bloody diarrhea, nausea, a headache, and vomiting. Yummy. Double scoop for me, please.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Michael Jackson: 2045

Excerpted from "Beyond Neverland: The Michael Jackson Story," originally printed in Phantom Magazine, June 13 2045.

...After his acquittal of child molestation in 2005, Jackson sold Neverland Ranch and moved to a new home in Beverly Hills, California. Soon afterwards, Jackson tried to stage a comeback with a new CD, Cryogenesis with a hip-hop style rather than traditional pop. But sales were so bad that it didn't even crack the top 200. Faced with mounting debts, Jackson was forced to reunite with his brothers to revive the Jackson Five. The Jackson Five show, Resurrection, performed for six years in casinos throughout Las Vegas until the death of Tito Jackson led to the group's disbanding in 2013.

The downfall of Jackson began in 2015 when twenty men launched a class action suit against Jackson for molesting them in the late eighties. The lawsuit was hampered when Jackson fled the United States and refused to return. Throughout the twenties, hundreds of men came forward to accuse Jackson of molestation, and forty of them led to successful convictions in absentia. Jackson's own son Blanket Jackson testified that he was molested by his father throughout his childhood. Jackson found himself in exile, unable to return to America without facing over two hundred years in prison.

Jackson tried to launch a solo tour in Europe as a gospel singer, but the tour was canceled when he failed to appear at the first five appearances, citing health reasons. His financial problems came to a head when he was sued for breach of contract by tour organizers. Jackson declared bankruptcy, sold his home to settle his debts, and disappeared.

On February 18, 2045, Michael Jackson was found dead in his apartment in Paris, France. He had bought the apartment under the assumed name Jesus Muhammed. He was found in bed, dead of an overdose of prescription pain medication. The police called his death accidental, but some called it a suicide...

UPDATE: (06/27/2009) Well, obviously this prediction was all wrong. Jackson didn't even make it to 2013. I think Jackson probably would have prefer this version of his biography, actually.

News Nuggets


Newsweek published an article claiming that US interrogators in military prisons flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. The US Army argued that the act was justified, because the Koran is two-ply.


The movie Batman Begins was released to good success, and reviving the comic book franchise. They're already planning the spin-off Fatman Begins, about the career of Ruben Studdard.

The movie Fantastic Four was released to record-breaking ticket sales. The movie is about Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry's boobs.

Through interviews and editorials, Tom Cruise got into a heated argument with actress Brooke Shields over the use of drugs to treat post-natal depression. Man, you know Tom Cruise is in trouble when he's losing an argument with Brooke Shields.

Dozens of singers and performers participated in Live-8, a worldwide concert to promote debt relief in Africa. When asked to comment, Africa said, "Couldn't they just send us some money?"


The Olympics announced that it would award the 2012 Olympics to the city of Lodon, rejecting the predicted favorite, Paris. Paris has been rejected for all three of its bids in the last twenty years, proving once and for all that everyone hates the French.

Nike has decided to go back to using Kobe Bryant in its advertising. Their new slogan? "Just Do It, Then Settle Out of Court."

See you next Tuesday.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

The Claws Are The Hardest Part

Doctor Octopus is one of my all-time favorite villains, and his appearance in Spiderman 2 almost had me jumping out of my seat. He was just too cool. I really wish I could get some tentacles like Doc Ock. Apparently, I'm not alone. Some people have tried to make Doc Ock costumes, which I wish I'd thought of doing.

It really just consisted of a long coat, sunglasses, and tentacles. The Kraken made some with tentacles that can hold a cup. It's a pretty good job. But by far, Cockeyed's was better. Not only did it look more authentic, but he built a full-sized Spiderman dummy he could carry around in his claws! Now that's attention to detail.

Worst Morning Ever

You think you had a bad morning? I can guarantee that Ricky May had worse. That's because he was run over by a car. No, not while he was walking down the street. Not while he was driving to work. He was run over in his house. In his bed. Before he even got up.

A driver fell asleep at the wheel, veered off the road, and went airborne to crash through May's house, into his bedroom, over his bed, and out the other side. The only thing that saved May was being rolled up in his mattress, which took most of the impact. Amazingly, the only injuries he suffered were an amputated finger, an eye injury, and some burns.

Let that be a warning...don't hit the snooze button. Next time your alarm goes off, jump out of bed and run for it.

Last Night of Paris

Paris Hilton is retiring. May I be the first to say, "finally." Not fast enough. But someone needs to tell her two things.

First, you need to have a job to retire from it. Being filmed while you walk around causing trouble and being stupid is not a job, because I'm willing to bet Paris would be doing that, anyway. Her movie career consists of that hunk of junk House of Wax, and a Carl's Jr. commercial that (while popular) has not increased sales, which is pretty much the whole point of a commercial. Even with a ghost-writer and lots of pictures, her book still managed to make her look even dumber than before. So no tears will be shed on those fronts.

Second, Paris, you can't retire from being a dumb blonde. Sadly, that is what you are.

What she really means is "I'm marrying a billionaire, so I don't have to work for my money anymore." Which is fine with me. Just hope she can keep that knot tied long enough to cash in on the divorce. I think
Business First
put it best when they described the effects of Paris' retirement on the business world.

By the way, aren't the words "dumb" and "blonde" synonymous?

GeekTalk: Jabba the Joke

The one thing I didn't like about the new movies is they totally screwed up one of my favorite characters - Jabba the Hutt. Bad enough they put in that scene in Episode IV where Jabba goes to see Han Solo, and Solo walks on Jabba's tail. First of all, the Jabba in Return of the Jedi wouldn't get off his dais to get away from Leia choking him, much less haul himself out to see Solo in
person. He would've just sent someone to kill him. Second, Jabba killed a dancing girl just for pulling away from him. The minute Solo stepped on his tail, Solo would've been dead. That whole scene just made Jabba into a big joke. Just like Episode I made him a joke with him sleeping during the pod race and stuff.

I loved Jabba in the original because he was the ultimate thug. He was so powerful that he didn't even need to move. His every whim was satisfied to the point where he did nothing but party. He would kill anyone he felt like for any reason, and there was nowhere in the galaxy you could get away from. And best of all, even though he was a fat, slimy slug, he still got hot babes.

The original Jabba was scary. People trembled in his presence. But after seeing him in the new movies and the re-done versions, Jabba doesn't seem quite so scary. I mean, he's still a bad-axe in Return of the Jedi, but it's just not the same. Oh, well. If you'll excuse me, I need to eat some frogs, order a bounty on that guy who cut me off on the freeway Sunday night, and make my slave girl dance for me in a metal bikini...until she displeases me and I dump her for a new one. Life is good for MonkeyMigraine the Hutt.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Star Wars III - Revenge of the Sith (abridged)


I'm Anakin Skywalker.

Now you're Darth Vader.

I'm Darth Vader.

Darth Vader kills all the Jedi.

For a longer and better version, check out the Editing Room.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

News Nuggets

The U.S. Army has blamed "influencers," adults who discourage young people from enlisting, for its failures to meet recruitment goals in recent months. Some have suggested another factor discouraging recruitment could be what is known as "getting killed."

A 45-year-old man in Maine was arrested when he was found hiding in the sewage tank of a women's outhouse. The old man's alibi? He apparently mistook the sewage tank for an episode of Being Bobby Brown.

A poll in In Touch magazine showed most women would want Jessica Simpson's hair. Most men polled wanted everything else.

Police briefly evacuated the U.S. Capitol when an airplane strayed into restricted airspace. This was considered a good test of the new homeland security plan, Operation Chinese Fire Drill.

Canada has announced that it will ban bulk exports of prescription drugs to the United States. This will finally bring to an end the threat of safe, cheap, effective drugs flooding our country.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Flashback Friday: Frankenstein Jr.

The tale of Frankenstein is a dark and cautionary tale about hubris, the relationship between God and man, the dangers of science gone wrong, and the creative power of women. And one day, a Hanna-Barbera executive said, "Hey, let's make it a cartoon."

Problem is, at its core, Frankenstein's monster is pretty scary. So let's give him a big smile and raggedy clothes. And he's gotta be cool, so let's make him three stories tall. And forget that whole mad scientist bit. Have him run by a kid with a remote control. Behold, Frankenstein Jr. Pretty soon, you had something that had as much to do with the original story as The Six Million Dollar Man had to do with My Left Foot. They could've just called it Robot Man and been done with it.

And why was it "Junior?" The monster didn't have a father, as far as I could see. And was the robot named Frankenstein? Because in the original story, Frankenstein was the creator, and the monster had no name. Common misconception.

I personally loved this show, even though I knew it didn't make sense. Who wouldn't want a super-strong giant robot at their command. The show got that right. I even bought a remote-controled toy robot and taped stuff to it to make it look like Frankenstein Jr. Of course, the "robot" just rolled back and forth, but it was still cool. "Let's go, Buzz!"