News Nuggets

NEWS - Dr Jack Kevorkian, noted for helping terminally-ill patient commit suicide, was released after serving an eight-year prison sentence. At the press conference, he celebrated by killing everyone in the room.

SPORTS - The San Antonio Spurs beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to become the 2007 NBA champions. Nobody cared.

SCIENCE - Hundreds of people waited in line for the release of Apple's new iPhone. And in a related story, hundreds of people have no lives and are mindless sheep desperate to fill their empty lives with the latest gadgets to serve as useless status symbols.

ENTERTAINMENT - Paris Hilton was seen partying and smoking marijuana just days after being released from jail and claiming that she never overdrank or used illegal drugs. This came as a surprise to absolutely no one.

MISC - An aggressive squirrel attacked and injured three people in a German town before a 72-year-old pensioner dispatched the rampaging animal with his crutch. We were going to make a joke about that, but don't think you can.

See you next Tuesday.