O.J. Simpson was convicted of stealing cable television. He immediately started the hunt for the real cable thieves.
A faulty electrical system caused an explosion in San Francisco that blew the cover off a flaming manhole. However, Tom Cruise is expected to recover.
A man jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium onto the net behind home plate. His friends claimed that he jumped to see if the net could hold him. Unfortunately for the gene pool of the human race, he survived.
Paris Hilton showed off her new shorter haircut, which she said was inspired by her trip to Europe. And in other news, millions of women got haircuts without calling the press to notify them or explain their decision.
Madonna was trampled when she fell off a horse on her birthday. This proves, once and for all, that Madonna is a bad ride.
See you next Tuesday.