Tuesday, November 08, 2005
E! Network Plans All Brad and Angelina Channel (Fake)
E!Entertainment Television announced plans to start a twenty-four hour news network called the Brad-Jelina News Network, devoted entirely to the love triangle between Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Jennifer Aniston.
During the press conference, E! Entertainment spokesman Gary Nelson said, “We've spent so much time devoted to this topic that we found we were running out of space. It seems like every tabloid has Brad, Angelina, and Jennifer on the cover every week with new twists and turns. Our audience seems to have an insatiable desire for information on these two. We literally can’t cover it enough, so we’ve decided to deliver the goods.”
The Brad-Jelina News Network will premiere later this month, hosted by Joan Rivers and Ted Casablanca. Programming will include:
* Family Ties – A show about Angelina Jolie’s children and how Brad Pitt is caring for them. There will also be a segment on whether Brad wants to start a family, and if Angelina Jolie is pregnant with his child.
* It’s Official – A daily news show that reviews photos, film clips, interviews, and press appearances dedicated to proving, once and for all, that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are romantically involved.
* That Slutty Whore – a roundtable discussion about what a scheming whore Angelina Jolie is to steal Brad Pitt from Aniston, and tips on how women can imitate her success with the men in their own lives.
* JenWatch – A round-the-clock program that will monitor Jennifer Aniston’s mental and physical health in coping with the loss of Brad Pitt.
When asked about the new channel, Pitt and Jolie’s press agents released statements insisting that they are not dating, and Aniston’s friends reported that she is grief-stricken but remains strong.