News Nuggets

HEADLINES

Officials in New Orleans expressed fears about a mass exodus of residents from the city. They believe flooding, toxic chemicals, ruined infrastructure, and threats of future flooding may make New Orleans look slightly unattractive.

Gore announced that he does not plan to run for President. He plans instead to invent a new Internet. And just for the record, I don't plan to run, either.

Hurricane Wilma slammed into the East Coast, but caused less damage than feared. However, there are fears that other storms could elevate into Hurricane Fred and Hurricane Bam-Bam.

The Iraqis managed to pass a new constitution after considering compromises. The constitution now calls for them to try to kill each other only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Two New Orleans police officers shown on video beating a subdued and unarmed man denied that they used excessive force. They claimed to be merely massaging his head with their fists.

An Arkansas mother gave birth to her sixteenth child. The mother was quoted as saying, "Now I have as many babies as I have teeth."

SCIENCE

A new study shows that exercise can trim deep abdominal fat. The same study shows that sleep can reduce fatigue, and drinking liquids can reduce thirst.

Anthropologists uncovered an ancient jawbone of a prehistoric human. The bone's large size proves that it came from an ancestor of Jay Leno.

Medical reports among the elderly show that overall cholesterol levels are falling, but funny smell levels went up.

Scientists warned of the dangers of a future pandemic caused by Avian bird flu. They say the flu can be identified by its secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

ENTERTAINMENT

Van Gogh drawings are going to be exhibited in New York. Muggers honored the occasion by cutting off their victims' left ears.

After rumors spread that their wedding was a hoax, photos released to tabloids confirmed that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore did indeed get married. Kutcher complained, "Why won't anyone believe me? It's not like I have a history of lying."

Angelina Jolie received a Humanitarian Award from the United Nations. They said that she benefited the human race with her tireless efforts to raise awareness of refugees, feeding the hungry, and getting naked in movies.

SPORTS

The Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs, showing that the Boston Red Sox' pact with Satan is secure.

Duke's Mike Krzyzewski has been chosen to coach the next Olympic basketball team. The first order of business? Teaching players how to pronounce his name.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: news