Friday, November 04, 2005

When You Gotta Go...: Glued to the Toilet

Now we come to the type of story I live for. A man is suing Home Depot. Why, you ask? Because he claims they didn't respond fast enough to his cries for help. Why did he need help? Because he was in their bathroom, super-glued to a toilet seat. He says his friends put the glue on the seat as a joke, and he waited fifteen minutes before someone found and called the paramedics for him.

On the scale of practical jokes, this one's kinda lame. First of all, how did his friends know he would be the one to sit down on the toilet, not somebody else? And why did they decide to glue him into a public toilet instead of his house's? Or a friend's, for that matter. Now that might've been a good joke - "Okay, here comes Bob. Remember the plan. Nobody uses the toilet tonight except Bob." That kind of planning makes the old Saran-Wrap-on-the-toilet-seat trick look like crap.

And why'd they use super-glue? I know it's funnier, but that has long-lasting repercussions. The guy had to have surgery to remove the toilet seat from his butt. They had to cut off skin. Okay, that does sound kinda funny, especially if the guy was a jerk.

My biggest question is, why's he suing Home Depot? Why doesn't he sue the jerks who glued him to the toilet in the first place? It's not Home Depot's job to check for people glued to toilet seats. It's not like they're required by law to have a Toilet Paramedic who responds to bathroom medical emergencies. And they left him in there for fifteen minutes, not like they left him there overnight.

To be honest, I'm inclined to think this whole thing was a scam. I think the guy wanted to sue Home Depot, and had the same mental capacity as that lady who put a severed finger in her chili. I think he took some glue off a shelf, went to the bathroom, squirted the glue on the seat himself, and sat on it. He planned to make it look like it was Home Depot's fault, that they somehow left glue on a toilet seat. But he couldn't come up with a good reason why they would have left glue on it, so he claimed friends did it. You have to wonder about these people. Somebody needs to show these guys the successful lawsuits of people who slipped and fell on some water in a business. It works great, guys. Maybe somebody should start classes on how to sue big companies.


Mauricem said...

"Clean up on aisle five. Man glued to potty."
Home Depot employee

Mauricem said...

Yeah, brilliant idea genius. The crazy thing is, even if he didn't fake it, you had to wonder what he was thinking after ten minutes being glued to a public toilet. Even the most optimistic thinkers going to say, "Man, this is going to hurt."
And to claim Home Depot is responsible is just plain stupid.

Mauricem said...

Now that I read the story, it is pretty horrible experience "I have these nightmares every night where I am locked in this dark room, with no windows, no doors, no fresh air, no route for escape. I wake up in these cold sweats," Dougherty said. But fifteen minutes isn't enough to sue over to me.

glomgold said...

Oh, it was his FRIENDS who did it? When I heard this story the only thing I could think of was, "Why the fuck would a person sit DIRECTLY ON a public toilet seat without checking/wiping clean/layering with TP?". That is absolutely disgusting.