Jokebook: So Fast

A turtle goes up to a cop, and says, "Officer, I was just mugged by two snails."

The cop says, "All right, what did they look like?"

The turtle says, "I’m not sure. It all happened so fast."

Quote of the Week: Most Unintelligible

Lloyd Levin, co-producer of “Watchmen,” on Fox studio’s decision to initially turn down the movie proposal:

An internal Fox email documents that executives there felt the script was one of
the most unintelligible pieces of s*** they had read in years.

TV-B-Gone

I read an interview on PBS.org with a guy who invented something called TV-B-Gone. It's basically a universal remote that can shut down any TV in the area. My first reaction was why would you want to do that? Then I read it's for turning off those ubiquitous TVs you find in public places. I started looking around at all the televisions that surround us. There's a TV in the break room here at my work. There's a TV at the doctor's office waiting room. There's a TV in the lobby of a potential employer. There's a TV in the bank. There are TVs everywhere, and we've just come to accept them as a part of our lives. And knowing that someone is paying to stick all these TVs in our faces makes it more galling to think about. So I say "good." Use these babies. Power to the people.

NOTE: There's a better interview at Wired.

Movie Rules: Condemned to Death

Movie Rule #819: Condemned prisoners will do anything.

Whenever there’s something crazy, violent, illegal, and potentially lethal to be done in movies, condemned prisoners are the ones to do it. They can get death row inmates to agree to fight a suicide mission, participate in lethal combat on a desert island or in weaponized cars, let their brains be controlled, or anything else. I know death row prisoners are desperate, but are they really that eager a source of labor? And even if they were willing to do it, these movies always have to set in a near-future with a decaying government, because the current political climate would never let prisoners be exposed to that kind of thing.

Imagine a movie where a prisoner's on death row, and someone says, “Hey, good news. There’s a new program that can get you out. The only catch is that you’ll have to put on a clown suit, strap a bomb to your chest, and run through a maze while genetically-engineered dinosaurs chase you on live television.” And the prisoner goes, “No, thanks. I think I’ll just wait on my appeal. Or a petition from the governor.” I’d like to see that.

Related Posts
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Quote of the Week: Pro-Adoption Message

Gabe on the "pro-adoption" message that will be added to the DVD of the horror movie "Orphan":

At the end of the movie, the camera pulls back from Esther's foster parents' dead bodies, and written on the kitchen floor in their pooling blood it says "ADOPT TODAYYYYY!"

Quote of the Week: You Can't Handle the Truth

"[If] we've reached the point where truth--THE truth, the brutal, honest, painful truth--is to be avoided during these so-called interviews (more rightly understood for what they are--an interrogation)--if we've reached that point, and we have, then we're all pretty well screwed because we've all agreed we're going to pass ourselves off as Mr. Happy Team Player Who Lives Only To Serve The Great Corporate Gods and the ONLY result from that charade is misery of the worst kind.
- Randy on being honest during job interviews, posted on CVTips.com

Fun in a Call Center: By Any Other Name

You know one of the most annoying call openings I get? Here it is.

ME: Hi, my name is [Monkey Migraine]. Can I get the ID number, please?
MRS. JOHNSON: This is Mrs. Johnson in Fort Lauderdale. Where’s my Yoyodyne?

How am I supposed to know where your Yoyodyne is, you old bat? You think there’s just one Mrs. Johnson in our system? There’s thousands of them. Oh, you told me you’re in Fort Lauderdale. That narrows it down…to only a couple hundred! Or maybe I should know automatically, like say, “Oh, hi, Mrs. Johnson? How’s your son, Richard? Nice to hear from you again.” No, I need an ID number. Or a prescription number. Or at least your first name, you senile old coot!

That’s what I wish I could say.

Michael Jackson: Good Riddance

Michael Jackson died a few weeks ago. To me, it was an interesting footnote, but I didn’t really care. I was more upset about Farrah Fawcett dying. But I was amazed to see the outpouring of love towards him in the days that followed. Amazed, because it seems completely misplaced. I know people are respectful of the dead, but we can’t ignore the truth: Michael Jackson was a horrible person. He was an extremely talented musical genius, but he was also a horrible person.

First and foremost, he was a child molester. I know people like to say he was acquitted, and that proves he wasn’t a child molester. Actually, all that proves is that has good lawyers, and the prosecution botched the case (for more analysis on the trial, see my earlier post: Michael Jackson is a Child Molester). Enough information came out of the case to take away all doubt in my mind that Jackson is a child molester. I expect, over the next ten or twenty years, children who were molested by Jackson will start speaking out, and we’ll have the true picture. In the end, I think Jackson’s real legacy will be as the most successful child molester who ever lived.

Some people are even making the argument that Jackson is a greater entertainer than Elvis. That, to me, is a ridiculous and ultimately pointless argument. First of all, the definition of “greatest entertainer” is meaningless. Are you talking greatest in terms of artistic ability? Creativity? Marketability? Financial earnings? The two artists lived in completely different eras and had completely different skills. More than that, Elvis has been dead for decades and created a legacy post-mortem, securing his place in history. Jackson’s been dead two weeks. There’s no way we can judge his legacy right now. Especially if more molestations come to light.

Michael Jackson was also a certifiable nutcase. He was clearly a plastic surgery addict, and (in a related story) a liar who repeatedly lied about everything from his plastic surgery to his treatment in jail. He called himself Peter Pan, but he was really psychologically stunted, and probably a treasure trove of untreated mental illnesses. He was a spendthrift who was making millions a year, but still managed to spend millions more than he earned until he ran out, then lived on gifts and handouts (like free cars and even houses) like a bum, and committed bank fraud by using fake names to get more when his credit ran out. Speaking of white-collar crime, he was also a drug addict who took Oxycontin, Demerol, Zoloft, and a host of other drugs . He broke the law to take ten Xanax every night by convincing doctors to fill the prescriptions in their names. Hardly the kind of person we want our children looking up to.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, because the keywords “Michael,” “Jackson,” and “sucks” have gotten me a ton of hits since his death. Once the shock wears off, I hope the world will go back to hating and making fun of MJ the way he deserves. Listen to his music, but ignore the man who created it. He doesn’t deserve your love.

Quote of the Week: All-You-Can-Eat

“You are paying for the caliber of the dining experience not to have a contest to see how expensive you can make it for the resturant to serve you.”
- I Foody, posted on a metafilter thread about all-you-can-eat restaurants.

Newswire: Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Farrah Fawcett's Coffin To Feature Erect Nipples

The Poster Child For Interracial Marriage: Seal and Heidi Klum

I think, if there was a foundation for interracial marriages between African-Americans and Caucasians, Seal and Heidi Klum would be the spokescouple. Because I can’t think of a blacker man than Seal or a whiter woman than Heidi Klum. Unless you paired up Desmond Tutu and Paris Hilton. Okay, I can come up with a more mismatched couple, but really they’re unlikely to happen. Whenever I see a photo of Seal and Heidi Klum together, it’s like a Photoshopped picture for Mad Magazine or something. And it's awesome. I hesitate to call any celebrity marriage a good one, since we never know what goes on behind closed doors, but it's hard for me to read this article about them from the Daily Mail without thinking "Awww." I mean, Seal claims he became more in love with Heidi after he found out she was pregnant with another man's baby. And Heidi calls Seal "Schatzi," a German word similar to "sweetie." And Heidi openly admits she was first attracted to him because she saw him in tight shorts.

List of the Week: Action Heroes Named "John"

It's a tradition in movies to give action heroes the first name "John." Here are some of the most famous examples.

John McLane – Die Hard
John Rambo – First Blood
John Shaft – Shaft
John Connor – Terminator 3

News Nuggets

NATIONAL

The transition from analog to digital television was achieved successfully. However, more than two million households in the United States were unready for the transition to digital television. In other news, more than two million households in the United States are full of idiots.

INTERNATIONAL

An Air France jet crashed into the Atlantic. Experts believe the airplane crashed when it surrendered to the weather conditions.

In Pakistan, public opinion is starting to turn against the Taliban. For some reason, the stonings, car bombings, and burqas have been somewhat of a turn-off.

Venezuela banned Coke Zero, called it a "danger to health." Apparently, it's considered dangerous in Venezuela to sell a drink that has zero cocaine in it.

ENTERTAINMENT

Chastity Bono announced that she plans to get a sex change operation. One benefit? After the operation, she'll be able to sing a duet of "I've Got You, Babe" with herself.

The Anne Frank museum announced plans to display her actual diaries. The biggest surprise to visitors? They were written on pink notepaper with glitter ink.

SCIENCE

The next Space Shuttle crew is ready for launch, and includes a singer. The crew will be filming the first episode of "Intergalactic Idol." The crew's next order of business will be to find evidence of life in Paula Abdul's music career.

The World Health Organization officially upgraded Swine flu to a pandemic, the first in 41 years. In response, Congress tried to pass a law that would help prepare the country for a swine flu epidemic. However, some members of Congress blocked the bill, because it was full of pork.

Japan's first lunar probe has ended its mission. The mission is considered a success, despite the fact that they couldn't find any big-eyed, big-headed women with purple hair and cat ears. The lunar probe transformed into a giant robot and flew home.

See you next Tuesday.

Top 10 Monkey Migraine Posts for May 2009

I have a counter for this blog, and I thought it was interesting to see what the top ten posts are and what they mean. Let’s break it down.

1. Yellow Fever: Guys Who Like Asian Women: This is the most popular post on the blog, and has been for a few months now. I guess a lot of guys and gals are interested in the “Yellow Fever” phenomenon. I still think guys with yellow fever get a bad rap. Asian women are beautiful. What’s wrong with that? Although I thought the Onion’s article, “Asian Teen Has Sweaty, Middle-Aged Man Fetish” puts a nice spin on it.
2. Fat Old Man: Darth Vader Unleashed - Although I pride myself on my writing, there’s no denying from the statistics that the vast majority of my blog’s traffic comes from Google Images. For example, this one image of Darth Vader gets me tons of traffic. I think that is a pretty good post. And a good action figure.
3. Pussycat Dolls Are Strippers - From the keyword descriptions, it seems a lot of people stumble onto this post looking for information on whether the Pussycat Dolls were really strippers. I think that’s a sad sign of how far the fraud of the Pussycat Dolls has come. Let me spell it out. The Pussycat Dolls were literally a bunch of strippers (oh, sorry, “burlesque dancers”) that somebody decided to turn into a musical group. Only one (later two) of them could actually sing, but that was enough to get things started. They “remade” (I call it borderline theft) a song that was already a hit from another musician, stole their Girl Power attitude from the Spice Girls, shook their booties in cameras’ faces, and made it big. Anything else is just window dressing. To me, the Pussycat Dolls are the essence of everything that’s wrong with today’s image-obsessed MTV pop music culture. And right now, somewhere in the United States, a truly gifted group of singers and musicians who are only mildly attractive can’t even get a record executive to look twice at them.
4. Destroy Humanity: Pandemic Game - Honestly, I want to delete this post, because it’s the kind of post I hate – a post that just points somewhere else. People looking for the “Pandemic” game go here. And then they go to the link. Maybe I should see if I can embed the game on that post.
5. Heart Attack: Jarvik's Lipitor Ads - I still feel pretty strongly that that Lipitor ad is wrong. Using Jarvik to promote a medication when he’s not a doctor is like false advertising. I need to research and find out whatever happened to the investigation on the ethics of those ads.
6. Muscle Top: New Carrot Top - I’m glad this gets a lot of traffic, because this post is one of my favorites. It still freaks me out to see Carrot Top with muscles. The link has one of my favorite lines ever…but the website is gone! And so is the line. So I’ll re-create it.
7. The Problem With McDonald's - This post is not one of my favorites, to be honest. It ends my long-running feud with McDonald’s, but the sad part is that it’s as true four years later as it was then. And McDonald’s has become more health-conscious, but without following my advice. A lot of people stumble across the post with the keywords “Mcdonald’s problem.” Makes me wonder what problem they’re looking for.
8. Top Ten Alien Myths - Again, I don’t like my posts that just link somewhere else. But this is a good link that takes a lot of information and packs into a small space – why all the UFO enthusiasts are wrong.
9. Sexy Women vs. WNBA - Would it kill the WNBA to put their players in spandex? Seriously? Maybe loosen up the sports bras to add some jiggle? I know women are crying “sexist pig” to this post, but come on. If you’re marketing solely to women who like sports, you’ve got an inherently narrow market. If you market to guys who will watch women play sports, it gets even narrower. You got the lesbian market all sewn up already. If you get some eye candy on the court, you wouldn’t be able to sell tickets fast enough. Maybe some of those guys will actually get hooked. They come for the wiggle, but they stay for the sports. Besides, men’s football has gay and female followers who watch it for the tight pants. You don’t see the NFL putting their players in potato sacks to maintain their integrity. Or beach volleyball - very popular and very sexy.
10. Bear Riding a Unicycle: Circus vs. Wild - Still believe this. Circuses are fun, but they are not humane. Don’t say otherwise.
    

Runners-up: The following don’t fall into the top ten this month, but have in the past and deserve an honorable mention.

• A Beautiful Lie: The Truth Behind a Beautiful Mind - This is one of the blog posts that I worked hardest on, and I wish I could promote it more widely. I liked “A Beautiful Mind” and still do, but the more I saw what they changed, the more annoyed I got. Why can’t Hollywood just leave well-enough alone? Still a good movie, though.
• Flashback Friday: Herb - I like this one because it’s more informative. There’ s not a lot on the web about Herb. This is my homage.
• Every Episode of House in a Nutshell - Most of my more popular posts were written years ago. I’m glad this one is getting some traffic. I like it.
  

Adwatch: Freecreditreport.com

First of all, let me say that I like freecreditreport.com's commercials. They're funny and the music is catchy. But they make no sense. Let's review a couple.

In this one, the guy sings about how he should've checked his credit report before he went to the dealer to buy a car. Because he didn't know his credit was "whack", he was forced to buy a lousy car instead of the cool one he wanted. But knowing his credit score in advance wouldn't really have helped him. If there was a mistake, it would take weeks to correct. If it wasn't a mistake, it would take years to improve his credit score. And I don't see why he had to buy a lousy car. He could've just said "I need to go fix my credit" and left.

Let's also take a peek at the commercial where the guy sings about not knowing his wife's credit report beforehand forced him to move in with her parents. What kind of cold-blooded SOB breaks off an engagement because their potential mate's credit is bad? And he says that it was all because his wife defaulted on some credit cards. If he can't find an apartment that would rent to him because of that, he needs to move to a bigger city.

There are circumstances where knowing your credit report is helpful, but these commercials exaggerate the problem too much. They would've been better off using more realistic scenarios.

Definitely Not A Jew

Radio host Adam Carolla has a theory that Jews don't commit stupid crimes or do stupid stuff. In memory of his old radio show, I've created a blog to provide proof of his theory: Definitely Not A Jew

Adwatch: Knee Replacement

I heard a commercial for a knee replacement implant, which seems odd. It was by Johnny Bench, all about how a new smaller knee replacement is perfect for older women, and to talk to your doctor. I thought knee replacements were based on need. Sounded like a commercial for a new car. "Get rid of that old broken down knee, and get a brand-new 2009 model! Now offering cash back and dealer incentives!" Are we entering a world where people get mechanical replacements for body parts, not because they have to, but because they want to? Seems like cyborg territory.

Jokebook: Last Words

Three guys die in a car crash. At the pearly gates, the angel says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can’t send you back, but we’ll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?”

One guy says, “I want them to say that I was a very successful stock broker with lots of cars and beautiful women.”

The second guy says, “I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.”

The third guy says, “I want them to say, ‘Hey, he’s moving!’"

Video: Weekend Plans

Weekend Plans - watch more funny videos

Fun in a Call Center: English Lessons

ME: How can I help you today?
MRS. REDNECK: Okay, I need you to get me over to somebody who’s in the Continental US who speaks English right now.
ME: Ma’am, I speak English. I’m in Tempe, Arizona.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I can’t understand you. I can’t understand your accent.
MR. REDNECK: [background] What’s goin’ on?
MRS. REDNECK: [whisper] He says he’s in Tempe, Arizona.
MR. REDNECK: [background] Well, get somebody else.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I need you to transfer me to somebody who I can freakin’ understand, somebody who speaks English as their native language.
ME: Ma’am, English is my native language.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I want somebody else. Get me a supervisor.

Gladly. Like I said before, not all call centers these days are staffed by people in Bora Bora.

Related Posts:
Fun in a Call Center: Pango

Quote of the Week: Beaver Control

"I'm very disappointed it wasn't done carefully. Anybody who works in beaver control should know better."
- Government official upset after a beaver dam's removal flooded a nearby golf course.

Movie Rules: Going Nuclear

Movie Rule #245: Nuclear bombs fix everything

Examples: The Core, Armageddon

You ever notice how, in movies, nuclear bombs are the solution to every disaster? There’s an asteroid heading towards Earth? Throw a nuclear bomb on it. The Earth’s core stopped spinning? Stick a nuclear bomb in it. Aliens invading Earth? Fire a nuclear bomb at them. Somehow, a well-placed nuclear bomb will cure whatever ails you.

If only that were the case in real life. If life were a movie, we could solve all our problems. Hole in the ozone layer? A nuclear bomb throws up enough dirt to plug the hole. Rainforest disappearing? A nuclear bomb spreads seeds and puts nutrients back into the soil so the trees grow back. Species going extinct? A nuclear bomb will cause more of them to spontaneously appear.

Imagine if the movies were like our world. A scientist tells government officials, “Gentlemen, a meteor is headed towards Earth that will destroy us all. We must act quickly. Set up an international conference to discuss the situation. Once the presentation has been made, we'll need to pass a resolution to create an international task force to come up with possible solutions. Then the United Nations will need to approve an international treaty to provide funding and manpower to implement the solution. Of course, the United States won’t agree to it, but maybe we can get them to agree to a similar resolution. Our hope is that we'll be able to put a project into place to stop the meteor in roughly ten years. What? No, actually, the meteor is scheduled to hit tomorrow. We're all doomed.” I’d like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Newswire: Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

Fatman: The Blob's Superpowers

I recently showed the trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine to my wife, and was explaining the different characters that seemed to be shown in it. Most obvious to me (besides Gambit and Sabretooth) was the big fat guy, that I assume is the Blob. I described him as being the opposite of Juggernaut; once he sets himself down, he can't be moved. He's also super-strong and his fat makes him really soft so it absorbs bullets and punches, so you can't hurt him. My wife pointed out that he has a bunch of powers, which is odd when you think about it. It finally occurred to me that the Blob really only has one power; he's super-fat. All his powers are super humanly enhanced stereotypes of fat people; being really heavy so you can't move him, being really soft and rubbery, even having his own gravitational pull. Kind of offensive when you think about it.

UPDATE: I had a tasteless joke at the end, but I've deleted it.

Bonadouchebag: Danny Bonaduce Lies About His Father

A story Danny Bonaduce told frequently on the air is that his father died on his birthday. The day he died, Danny said he was doing his radio show and was told off-air and said, "Huh, he finally got me something for my birthday," then went back to work. I thought the story told a lot about his relationship with his father, and also his own personality. So imagine my shock when I discovered the story was completely bogus. Danny's birthday is August 13. His father died on August 3, 2004. It amazes me that Bonaduce would make up a story about his father's death. What kind of scumbag would do that? Danny Bonaduce, that's who. That, plus Adam Carolla's candid assertion that Danny often made up stories that he told on the air, makes me question everything about the guy.

UPDATE: Originally this post had the dates mixed up (i.e. Danny's birthday August 3, Joseph Bonaduce died August 13). Some people called me out on that. I fixed the dates. The story still applies.