Thursday, April 13, 2017

I Ate An Onion Sandwich And It Was Horrible

Not my sandwich. I used white bread.
I don't like onions...really. For years, I refused to eat onions at all. I've only recently began to tolerate onions on my hamburgers, just because I got tired of asking for no onions and getting onions, anyway. In the last few years, I've begun to like grilled onions on my burgers. So last night, I decided to try an onion sandwich, and I still regret it.

I should clarify I'd never even heard of onion sandwiches until I read that the creators of The Onion came up with the title when they were making onion sandwiches. My first reaction was, "Onion sandwiches? People eat those?" I had to look it up, and was horrified to discover an onion sandwich is exactly what it sounds like: raw onion slices between two pieces of bread. With mayo. That sounded monstrous, what with my hatred of onions, like a sandwich with dog feces in it. But like I said, I thought maybe my tastes had changed and I was really hungry and for some reason, the onion I had in my fridge looked very tasty. I decided to try it.

I Googled again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something, and assembled my sandwich. I took a deep breath. I took a bite.

It wasn't too bad at first. Just tasted like mayo, which I like. I ate half the sandwich before the onion kicked in.

Grilled onions on my sandwich is one thing. Raw onion is another. The taste hit me like a sledgehammer to the tongue. Just as I started to curl my lip at it, a burning sensation started in my mouth. You know how when you chop onions, it makes your eyes burn? I got that in my mouth, spreading to my lips, and even down my throat. By then, I was gagging and desperate to get rid of the taste. I quickly made another sandwich of just mayo. That did nothing for the taste, and the burning got worse. I was drinking milk, soda, even ate some ice cream, and nothing helped. I brushed my teeth three times. I went out and bought a Snickers, which helped a little because it was now the taste of chocolate and onions. I brushed my teeth twice more, drank some water, and went to bed last night in misery. This morning, I've had three cups of coffee to kill the taste, and it's still there.

Onion sandwiches are evil. And if you eat them, you've made a pact with evil itself. Onion sandwiches must die. Please, let them die.

image source: http://allaroundtim.com/raw-onion-sandwich-a-trip-back-in-time/

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