Monday, June 15, 2009

News Nuggets

NATIONAL

The transition from analog to digital television was achieved successfully. However, more than two million households in the United States were unready for the transition to digital television. In other news, more than two million households in the United States are full of idiots.

INTERNATIONAL

An Air France jet crashed into the Atlantic. Experts believe the airplane crashed when it surrendered to the weather conditions.

In Pakistan, public opinion is starting to turn against the Taliban. For some reason, the stonings, car bombings, and burqas have been somewhat of a turn-off.

Venezuela banned Coke Zero, called it a "danger to health." Apparently, it's considered dangerous in Venezuela to sell a drink that has zero cocaine in it.

ENTERTAINMENT

Chastity Bono announced that she plans to get a sex change operation. One benefit? After the operation, she'll be able to sing a duet of "I've Got You, Babe" with herself.

The Anne Frank museum announced plans to display her actual diaries. The biggest surprise to visitors? They were written on pink notepaper with glitter ink.

SCIENCE

The next Space Shuttle crew is ready for launch, and includes a singer. The crew will be filming the first episode of "Intergalactic Idol." The crew's next order of business will be to find evidence of life in Paula Abdul's music career.

The World Health Organization officially upgraded Swine flu to a pandemic, the first in 41 years. In response, Congress tried to pass a law that would help prepare the country for a swine flu epidemic. However, some members of Congress blocked the bill, because it was full of pork.

Japan's first lunar probe has ended its mission. The mission is considered a success, despite the fact that they couldn't find any big-eyed, big-headed women with purple hair and cat ears. The lunar probe transformed into a giant robot and flew home.

See you next Tuesday.

1 comment:

Mauricem said...

Always hysterical.
"surrendered to the weather conditions."
"zero cocaine in it"

LOL