Catfight: Annika Sorenstam vs Michelle Wie

Michelle Wie pulled out of a tournament in North Carolina a few weeks ago, complaining of an injured wrist. Famed LPGA player Annika Sorenstam pointed out what, I think, are some fairly suspicious aspects to Wie's "injury." First of all, she was playing so badly that if she had gotten just two more bogeys, she would have been barred from the tour for the rest of the year. Plus, Wie was seen practicing on a golf course just two days later. I personally applaud Sorenstam for saying what we're all thinking - that she faked the injury to keep from being humiliated. Wie may be pretty, but she needs to be a better golfer to be respected, especially if she plans on playing against the men's tour like she tries (and fails at) every year. Apparently, even she knows it because Wie's already said she won't be playing the PGA this year...for the same injury. Right. Now I know it's sexist to call this a catfight, just because it's too women arguing, which is why I'm doing it. Mrreeow, get out the saucers of milk!

Pants On Fire: The Missing Pants Lawsuit

I've always been a defender of the so-called "frivolous lawsuits" trumpeted in the media as another example of the law system gone wild. Usually, these lawsuits are more complex than they seem. The crown jewel, the so-called McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit, was in fact a case of a woman getting severe burns requiring surgery. That said, the recent case of a man suing a dry cleaners for $54 million for losing his pants is exactly what it seems, if not worse. The worst part, to me, is that the plaintiff is a judge. He should know better. This gives all lawyers a bad name, as if they had a good name to begin with.

Related:
Jokebook: Truck vs. Lawyer
Too Hot For Court

Movie Rules: Men and Diapers

Movie Rule #19294 - Men are physically incapable of changing diapers.

You ever notice in movies how men are never able to change diapers? If there's a man who has to take care of a baby and there isn't a woman around, there's the inevitable diaper-changing scene. The man/men struggle to figure out how to take off the diaper. Then the moment the diaper is opened, the man/men react as if they've just opened a vat of nerve gas. They gag, they flee, they put on masks, they use kitchen tongs to peel away the diaper, hose the baby down with a garden hose. And then they practically strangle the kid trying to figure out how to put the new diaper on. When was the last time you saw a man confidently change a baby? Replace the men with women and you'll see how silly that is. No, in the movies, women are born knowing how to change a diaper and are immune to any odors or distaste. In fact, you rarely even see a woman changing a diaper in a movie at all - it's just assumed that they can. When was the last time you saw a woman struggling to put on a diaper? I'd like to see that.

Examples: Mr. Mom, The Pacifier, Three Men and a Baby

Related:
Movie Rules: Masters of Disguise
Movie Rules: Super Dogs

Total Collapse: Zimbabwe

On a more serious note, I've been following the situation in the African country of Zimbabwe for many years, mainly because very few other Americans seem to be. And a recent article has, I think, driven home the point. Basically, it predicts that the country will collapse by the end of the year. Inflation is doubling every month, there is almost no food production, the utilities are barely functioning, and the police earn less than the aid workers that are trying to help them. Zimbabwe's money has become so devalued that people are paid in food rather than cash. We're looking at a country that will have no functioning government or economic system in six months. And no one is doing anything about it.

How To Keep Me From Reading Your Blog: Lesson 6

If you don't see what's wrong with this or this is what your blog looks like, then you are the problem.

Xana tylh, fjii! Hambre aggidos para Kyxcstan! Ddjugd du higgd-pora ghi ggj gkg haj, ghss fjhg jkahsjfg hsjsfh! Hahjdd kgd gjgd djspeo? Wrj!!!

Related:
Lesson 5
Lesson 4
Lesson 3
Lesson 2
Lesson 1

Movie Rules: Masters of Disguise

Movie Rule 227: All disguises are perfect.

Ever notice how easy it is for someone to disguise themselves in a movie, particularly in spy movies? They just slip on a mask of the person they're trying to disguise themselves as. And the mask is always an exact copy of the person's face that somehow matches the shape and contours, no matter what the real person's face looks like underneath. It's also made of a flesh-like material that looks completely realistic, right down to the slightest pores, that will fool anyone even on close inspection, including the target's family members. It will also instantly adhere to the wearer's face perfectly to match all facial movements. And as if all that weren't enough, the mask can removed quickly and easily by just tugging it off at the neck. How exactly is that possible? When you think about it, that makes the face-transplant surgery from the movie Face/Off seem shockingly realistic.

Examples: Charlie's Angels, Mission Impossible I, II, III

Related:
Movie Rules: Super Dogs
Movie Rules: Luck
Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Lost Week: Just the Facts

When it comes to Lost, there are a lot of questions to be answered, and part of the problem with getting those answers is that everyone has one. Everyone who watches the show has their own theories and interpretations of what they saw and heard. The only ones who haven't given their theory is the creators themselves. I've found two good places to find real solid facts, The Lost Notebook which is very stylish and well-designed but kind of sparse on detail. The best option is Lostpedia, a Wikipedia-styled website for Lost facts and information that is created by the obesessed fans themselves. The great thing about Lostpedia is that it has a page for facts and a separate tab for theories, which keep them nicely organized. Doesn't look as cool, though.

LOST Week: Lost Gear

A few days ago, I asked why they shut down a website that offered DHARMA labels you can put on food. After all, it's not like the show offered the same thing. Did it? Well, the answer is no, but I've discovered ABC has been pretty good at merchandising Lost, because you can get almost anything else. At the online store, you can get T-shirts with the Numbers or DHARMA Initiative logos on them, a coffee mug that shows the timer logo when it warms up, a jigsaw puzzle that promises clues to the show if you finish it, a duffel bag with the Blacklit Map on it, and lots of other cool stuff.

Lost Week: Top 50 Lost Questions

Now that the season finale of Lost has aired, we can ask the question, what have we learned? Have all our questions from the last season been answered? If not, what questions remain? And how long can we keeping watching a show that has become so unbearably frustrating? Well, back in 2006, IGN ran their top 50 Lost questions, and it's interesting to go through them and see which ones have been answered and which hasn't. I will say this - that twist ending on the season finale raised even more questions, but at least answered the questions "will they get off the island" and "do the writers on the show actually have a plan or are they making it up as they go along?" I think the answer to both questions is...

Lost Week: Get in the Hatch

I can finally admit it; I'm obsessed with the computer in the Swan Station, also known as the Hatch. You know, the computer where you type in the Numbers. I think it's so cool in its combination of simplicity and menace. The way it just has the blinking cursor, the way you just enter the Numbers and aren't supposed to enter anything else, and the way it would beep quietly but steadily until it begins blaring, the clicking of the timer as it resets, all cool. Sometimes I wished I was in the Hatch, entering the Numbers, knowing the world depends on me (or does it?).

Turns out I'm not the only one. One of the best ways to get the Hatch simulation is with a screensaver that makes a display of the cursor, and you have to enter the Numbers to unlock it. There's also a Yahoo Widget that puts a DHARMA computer on your desktop with a timer counting down to 108 minutes, when you have to enter the Numbers. Both cool. All I need now is an electromagnet that will destroy the world if you fail.

Lost Week: Lost Product Labels

Another great addition to your Lost finale party for tonight would be to have beer, potato chips, and cookies, all with genuine DHARMA Initiative food labels on them. There was a place to download PDF files with ready-made labels, but the show found out and took them off. I don't get that. Who's being hurt being that? Unless the show plans to release their own line of DHARMA food, I don't get why they jumped on that. Somebody needs to explain the difference between a fan tribute and copyright infringement to these guys. But they did explain how they created the labels, so you could make your own.

Lost Week: You Got Yourself A Fish Biscuit

Planning a party to celebrate the season finale of Lost? Yeah, me neither. But if I did, I would need Lost-themed food to serve. One thing that would definitely be on my menu would be the infamous fish biscuit that Sawyer got while in the polar bear cages. Of course, the real ones aren't available, but someone at Kung Foodie did come up with a way to make some. They're more like fish-shaped cookies, really. But they never answered the question of what the real fish biscuits taste like. Do they taste like fish?

Oxymoron: The Best Of Monkey Migraine

I decided to remove the "best of" label on some of my posts. Not that I don't think they are, but I think the term "best of" is too egotistical. It implies I'm capable of reading my work and saying "Yes, this is as good as I get." Frankly, I think that's a relative term and only others can define my best work. I replaced the label with "favorites," which is more accurate. These are some of my favorite posts. Might not be my best, but I like them.

Lost Week: Michelle Rodriguez Outed?

Thus begins Lost Week, an entire week dedicated to one of my favorite shows, Lost, leading up to the season finale. I had a lot of plans on what this week's posts would be, but this one dropped right into my lap this morning. It's not strictly about Lost, but it does involve one of the former major characters, Michelle Rodriguez. It seems that Curve magazine, a popular gay magazine, put Michelle Rodriguez on their cover, infuriating her because she feels she's been outed. She posted a long and somewhat rambling post on her website's forums that does the "I don't feel I need to define my sexuality" bit. On Curve's part, they point out that they didn't actually call her gay in the magazine, so it seems her response is a bit premature.

Now regular readers of my blog know I already addressed this last year. People who don't want to be called gay shouldn't let photos of themselves flirting with women get around. Frankly, I'm surprised she thought this was still a secret. Her current girlfriend Kristanna Loken already blew the lid off this last year. I hate when celebrities treat the public like they're idiots. Whatever.

Related:
Resident Lesbo: Michelle Rodriguez

70-30: Frisky Dingo

Ever wonder about the demented minds that created Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Sealab 2021, and Frisky Dingo? No? Well, I did. And I found this very interesting interview behind the weirdos of 70-30, the animation studio. Remarkably candid and informative article at the Atlantic Magazine called The Making of Frisky Dingo, which sheds great insight on the inner workings of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim line-up.

Civil War: Enter and Exit Signs

Every time I go into a store, I realize there's a war going on in this country. That war is between customers and exit/enter signs. You know, those signs that show whether a set of double doors are intended to be enter or exit? Very important, since you don't want people walking through the doors and hitting each other. Isn't it? I mean, most of these doors are glass these days, so you can see someone coming. The central battle to the war is whether customers will follow the signs or not. I would say ninety percent of customers ignore the signs and go through whichever doors they want. Thus, the battle begins.

Manually-operated doors are a problem. It doesn't really matter whether you push or pull, but some stores are set up so they only open one way- presumably the way you need to go. But whether you push or pull the doors, you can still enter and leave through either one.

Automatic doors show the battle more clearly. Some stores have doors that only open for the side it's intended for. If you walk up to an exit door from the outside, the doors won't open so you have to do that awkward shuffle to the enter doors. Most doors have clearly given up the battle and will open either way, no matter how you approach them.

I saw one store that practically waved the surrender sign by putting "enter" and "exit" signs on both sides. If you're entering, both doors are labelled "enter." If you're leaving, both doors are labelled "exit." What's the point of that?

DHARMA Revealed

Any regular viewer of "Lost" has many questions which have yet to be answered. For example, what is the DHARMA Initiative? What was its purpose? What do the Numbers mean? What does DHARMA stand for? Well, it turns out they already gave the answers to those questions last year. And not to the most loyal viewers of the show. No, they only gave the answers to those with the endurance and patience to slog through the "Lost Experience," an online game that ultimately assembled a video that gave the answers. Since this has already been exposed to the world, why haven't they put this video onto the show yet so the TV viewers can share it? Beats me. But here it is. Frankly, I'm annoyed that they spent an entire season with the Others and the answers to these questions, much less this video, never came up once. Once upon a time, "Lost" was a show that raised questions and then answered them. Not anymore. Take a good look at your ratings, "Lost," and fix this next season.

Related posts:
Lost in Order
My Ultimate Lost Theory
Resident Lesbo: Michelle Rodriguez

Virtual NASCAR

My office had a NASCAR simulator in the office, and everyone was all excited. Needless to say, my office is predominantly white. I personally wasn't interested, but was curious what a NASCAR simulator would be like, so I looked it up. I found this very interesting article on the challenges and successes of creating a racing simulation. While I applaud and am thrilled by the idea of such an incredible simulation of the fun and thrills of an auto racing simulation, I feel duty-bound to make fun of NASCAR. As a result, I offer up my take on the NASCAR simulator.

Beer drinking - The biggest and most popular part of NASCAR is captured with this simulator. Put on a pair of special gloves that simulate the weight and feel of a can of beer. Put on a pair of goggles that progressively distort your hearing and sight with every beer you drink. See how many beers you can drink and still be aware of the race.

Tobacco Chewing Simulator - Chew on virtual tobacco and spit virtual black goop. Chew it long enough and you get virtual mouth cancer and virtual jaw removal surgery.

Inbreeding Simulator - scan in a picture of your brother and/or sister and see what your children will look like. Children are ranked by the number of teeth and limbs. If you get a child that has more than three teeth, you win a prize.

Car Crash Simulator - Put on a pair of goggles and see and hear cars crash. This could also be considered a simulation of whole reason for NASCAR's popularity.

Previous:
Left Turn Lovers: NASCAR Romance

Movie Rules: Super Dogs

Movie rule #2183: All dogs in movies and television have human-level intelligence or better.

You ever notice how in most movies and TV shows, dogs seem to have above-average intelligence? By that, I mean they can understand and respond to anything spoken to them, and will behave in human ways. How many times have you watched a TV show or movie and somebody says something to the dog, and the dog understands it? Like in a sitcom, the mother will turn to the dog and say something like "This is all your fault" and the dog will cover its head or run out of the room or growl or something like that. There are even movies and TV shows where the dogs seem smarter than the humans. The point is that the dog acts human, and no one will turn to the dog and say "Holy crap, how did you do that?! You can understand English?" How many times in a sitcom have you seen someone say to a dog "Hey, go get Julie" and the dog just sits there staring at him. Or somebody asks "You feel like going over to my ex-wife's house?" and the dog just licks itself. I'd like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Luck
Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Breaking News From The New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: Man Freezes To Death Chewing Mint Gum

Kryptonite: Sodium Lithium Boron Silicate Hydroxide

It looks like Lex Luthor has the last laugh. A group of Serbian scientists discovered a mineral with a composition of sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide. They searched to see if the mineral they found was already discovered. When they entered its components into Google, they were shocked to discover the name already existed. That's what's written on the case in the museum that Lex gets his kryptonite from in Superman Returns. So they named the mineral kryptonite. Yes, there is now a real mineral called kryptonite. Unfortunately, it's white and powdery, not green and crystalline. But it's still cool. Now they just need to find mitichlorians.

Not Paris Hilton's Secret Diary

The five of you that read it may have noticed that not Paris Hilton's secret diary hasn't been updated in a very long time. There's a reason for that, and it's not that I got bored and forgot about it. The fact is that I no longer find Paris Hilton funny. I also realized that anyone talking about her makes her happy, so the best thing we all can do is ignore her, and she'll go away. Still think the old entries are funny, though.

Lost in Order

When Lost was on re-runs, I caught up on the episodes I missed from the first season, which turned out to be about two-thirds of the season. I thought it might be confusing watching first season episodes when we're already deep into the third season, but it wasn't. Quite the opposite. The show's always been kind of non-linear with the flashbacks on the lives of the characters, which have never been shown in chronological order, and characters making references to things that we don't know or understand until later on. In fact, the third season has become richer for me, knowing all the things that went on before, and I think knowing later episodes enhanced my understand of the first season as well. For example, in the first season, we didn't know anything about the Others, which meant that when Ethan was running around, we had no idea who he was or where he came from. Now I do, so I understand what Ethan's goal was and why he was there while he was stalking the survivors. I think that's a sign of a truly unique and well-written show, that the earlier episodes are just as strong as the third season episodes, if not stronger.

Flashback Friday: Platypus Man

In tribute to the late Richard Jeni, beloved comedian who unfortunately never made it as big as he should have and commited suicide, we shall honor one of his greatest failures, his short-lived TV series Platypus Man. I don't remember a single thing about this show, other than the fact that it wasn't that funny and the sight of Richard Jeni in an apron cooking just didn't fit.

Trivia
* The opening explained that a platypus is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone, and a platypus man is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
* His TV show on the series was called Cooking with the Platypus Man.
* The series aired in 1995, the early days of UPN, which sucked.
* The problem of cooking and his character's problems with relationships were supposed to parallel. They didn't.
* Ron Orbach played Richard's executive producer and longtime friend. He's the cousin of actor Jerry Orbach of Law and Order fame.

Links:
* Unofficial UPN homepage's profile of Platypus Man
* TV.com's profile of Platypus Man
* Wikipedia's entry on Platypus Man

Related:
Flashback Friday: Out of This World
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Flashback Friday: Herb

The Mystery of "High School Musical"

I remember the day I realized I was out of touch with the youth of today and officially gave up. It was when I saw a slap bracelet in the store and asked myself "What's a slap bracelet?" I didn't understand it then and still don't, but realized the average kid could probably break it down for me. From then on, I just stopped trying. So when I heard about this thing called High School Musical, I thought "whatever." Then I heard about the hit soundtrack. And saw the High School Musical posters. And the breaking point was when the soundtrack was nominated for "Album of the Year" at the Billboard Music Awards. I couldn't take it anymore. So I booted up Google to answer the eternal question: "what the heck is 'High School Musical?'" The answer is that it's a TV movie on the Disney Channel. Since I don't have cable, that explains my lack of contact with it. But all this fuss over a TV movie? That must be some TV movie.