News Nuggets

HEADLINES

The inventor of the frozen TV dinner died this week. Unfortunately, he went to Hell, where he will be eternally roasted with one corner of the plastic peeled back and stirred every five minutes.

New York released plans for the replacement of the World Trade Center, dubbed the Freedom Tower. The Tower is designed with a solid base that is intended to make the building completely bomb-proof, which means Madonna's movies will not be allowed inside.

A second case of Mad Cow Disease has been traced to a cow in Texas. Fearing another ban on American beef worldwide, the FDA insisted it was merely a case of Slightly Annoyed Cow Disease.

A new study showed that one in three Americans believe in ghosts, but further investigation showed they were just watching the Michael Jackson trial.

The launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed in order to examine the fuel system. It's all part of NASA's radical new policy, "Don't kill the astronauts."

ENTERTAINMENT

Brad Pitt contracted viral meningitis after traveling to Ethiopia with Angelina Jolie. When asked in the hospital whether he regretted the trip, Pitt said, "Risk contracting a potentially fatal illness to hang out with Angelina Jolie? It's worth it."

Harry Potter's new book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has sold millions of copies in its first week of release,. J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, attributes her success to hard work, imagination, and a pact with Satan.

The movie War of the Worlds was released. It's about Tom Cruise suing extraterrestrials for telling the National Enquirer that he was anally probed.

In an interview, Tom Cruise went into another rant about the evils of psychiatry. He also ranted against more money, a nose job, and other things he badly needs

SPORTS

The players and owners of the National Hockey League signed a new collective bargaining agreement, allowing the game's return after a year's lockout. The most common response to the news by the general public: "What's hockey?"

Danny Way broke a world's record when he jumped a skateboard over the Great Wall of China. An hour later, he wanted to jump it again.

See you next Tuesday.