Sunday, January 15, 2006

News Nuggets

US HEADLINES
New York's transit strike finally came to an end after three days. Buses and trains began running again, to the relief of homeless people who were forced to urinate and sleep somewhere else.

The first Gulf Coast casino is set to reopen. The first prostitutes and drug dealers are close behind.

The TSA changed security guidelines to allow small scissors and nailclippers back onto planes. But they have still have restrictions against running through the aisles with them.

The parole board denied the request to release the ailing suicide advocate Dr. Kevorkian from prison. Kevorkian responded by saying, "You're just going to let me die? What kind of monster would let someone die and do nothing to stop it?"

INTERNATIONAL
The Mexican reacted with outrage over plans to create a bigger and stronger fence on the US border. Said President Vicente Fox, "This new fence could add a whole fifteen minutes to the trip."

A British newspaper handed over their video of supermodel Kate Moss using cocaine to the police. The police want to check the footage of a well-known celebrity taking drugs to see if there might be something unusual about it.

Eight people have been reported dead in a pipeline blast in Nigeria. Shell reacted quickly to the accident, saying, "This is a terrible tragedy. We've lost precious oil!"

In court, Saddam Hussein made the startling revelation that he was tortured by American forces. The news was greeted by an outpouring of sympathy by nobody.

Colombia began selling coca-leaf soda. It costs five hundred dollars a can.

The new Bolivian president may cause problems for President Bush, because it will force Bush to pronounce "Bolivia."

Because of a court ruling, Canadians can now have group sex in clubs. This news was almost enough to get Americans to pay attention to Canada.

A French ATM accidentally overpaid its customers in their withdrawals. Apparently, the ATM mistook someone on the camera as someone holding a gun and surrendered.

ENTERTAINMENT

Brokeback Mountain, a film about two gay cowboys, tops many critics' Oscar lists. However, the film might be in trouble because Tom Cruise has threatened a lawsuit for stealing his lifestory.

The cast of Lost was named entertainer of the year by Entertainment Weekly, showing that people in Hollywood can't count.

With fancy garb and designer accessories, Italy is praising the fashion sense of the new Pope Benedict. In fact, he's so popular that UPN will be airing a new show, The Vatican's Next Top Model.

Time magazine named Bill and Melinda Gates as the Persons of the Year. Unfortunately a bug in Windows erased all the records of the award.

Gwen Stefani has announced that she is pregnant. The unborn baby already has a hit single, "I Ain't No Hollaback Embryo."

Tiger Woods delayed his return to golfing to "recharge his batteries." The sports world was shocked that Tiger would find sailing around the world in his own private yacht with his Swedish supermodel wife slightly more attractive than walking around a lawn hitting golf balls.

A columnist predicted that 2006 could be the year that Apple CEO Jobs falls off his pedestal. He also predicted that 2006 will be the year when Ashlee Simpson will be exposed as a talentless fraud.

SCIENCE
More rings have been found around the planet Uranus. And more giggling has been found among schoolchildren.

The European Union may let genetically-modified crops into the organic food-green groups. They will push to create a new and important food group, the mutant food group.

A double-mouthed fish was pulled from a Nebraska lake. The fish was found in a lake next to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

A U.S. judge rejected the practice of teaching intelligent design in classrooms. Instead, the judge embraced teaching intelligent re-decorating.

The FDA proposed reducing the allowable amount of lead in candy. However, the new rules face stiff opposition from powerful lobbyist, Willy Wonka.

Doctors successfully separated twins joined at the spine. The first thing the twins did? Aboslutely nothing, they're babies, what do you expect them to do, go water-skiing?

Scientists have discovered that honeybees can recognise people's faces. This study explains frequent reports of Mexican honeybees seeing the face of Jesus in their hives.

The European Union threatened Microsoft with a daily fine over their lack of promoting competition. The fine will be paid by Bill Gates' pocket change.

Low brain estrogen has linked to Alzheimer's in women. Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O'Donnell are considered most at risk

A baby penguin was kidnapped from a British Zoo. Authorities are looking for a house with an iceberg in the backyard.

Human footprints dating back to the Ice Age have been found a dry Australian lakebed. They have also found an imprint of a telephone being thrown at them by an ancestor of Russell Crowe.

See you next Tuesday.

2 comments:

Mauricem said...

LOL Welcome back! I've missed these. All good, but especially funny was the "hollaback embreyo" and the mexican wall.

glomgold said...

Heh heh.
I am partial to the Mexican honeybees/Jesus one.