Newswire: China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

Breaking news with the New Yuk Times: China Kills Olympic Protestors To Maintain Olympic Ideals of Peace

Adwatch: Sobe Lizards Thriller Dance

I'm sick and tired of the dance from Thriller. It was fun when 13 Going On 30 did it, but when it got to a bunch of prisoners doing it in their yard, I knew the fad was out of hand. And then came this commercial.

The biggest problem I have with it is that it's a bunch of computer-generated lizards doing the dance from Thriller. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with the drink, it's not really funny (except when one eats a cricket), and there's no real reason for doing it, other than the anniversary of the video (which Sobe had nothing to do with) and to capitalize on the popularity of the dance in viral video. Naomi Campbell's presence in the commercial makes even less sense. It's been years since anyone mentioned Campbell in any context, let alone a flattering one, so why they decided to intercut her into the video doing vague dance moves is beyond me. They should've had her throwing her cell phone at the lizards, killing them, and turning them into luggage.

Inexplicably, I discovered while researching this post that people actually loved the commercial, so much that there's a billboard featuring the Sobe Lizards in Times Square. No accounting for taste. But at least I'm not alone, thanks to Brandweek.

News Nuggets

NATIONAL
United Airlines raised fuel surcharges ten to twenty dollars for round trip tickets. In a related story, anger and frustration among passengers raised by ten to twenty percent.

Texas Child Protective Services raided a Mormon fundamentalist polygamist compound and took over four hundred children into protective custody. The officials believed that the children were being physically and verbally abused, and exposed to inappropriate sexual activity. Early reports indicate the children were being cared for by Britney Spears.

SCIENCE
NASA is going to be extending the mission of the Cassini spacecraft that's currently touring Saturn and its moons for two more years. NASA also added tour dates in London, New York, and Sydney, and an opening act by Green Day.

An environmental group found six million pounds of trash on the world's beaches. But they managed to get Rosie O'Donnell back into the water.

The EPA urged residents of the Great Lakes not to flush old medications down the toilet, where they could later contaminate water supplies. Instead, the EPA urged them to sell their old medications to teenagers for a substantial profit.

Scientists warned that a big earthquake is likely to hit California in the near future. California residents filed the warning in the same folder they put the last fifty years' worth of warnings by scientists about a big quake likely to hit California.

SPORTS
Tiger Woods' hopes of completing a grand slam by winning all four major golf tournaments this year were dashed when he failed to win the Masters. Some commentators are worried that Tiger's failed grand slam bid might lower TV ratings for the rest of the tournaments. But a bigger problem would be for viewers to realize there's nothing more boring than watching golf on television.

The Olympic torch was carried through San Francisco on its journey to Beijing. Residents were surprised by the massive protests to the flame, since California usually welcomes Tom Cruise.

See you next Tuesday.

Newswire: Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Charlton Heston's Guns Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

I H8 Wiggles

I always felt sympathy for people who had kids and had to endure the nightmare of Barney the Dinosaur and Teletubbies. At the same time, I did think "Cut them some slack." Of course, we don't like kids' stuff. It's for kids. You have to look at it through their eyes. That said, I hate the Wiggles.

It's not that they're annoying and simplistic and silly and repetitive. All kids' shows are like that, really. It's that the Wiggles are all those things, and nothing more. At least Barney had the dinosaur thing going. You could understand how kids could like that. And the Teletubbies are so surreal that even I find it hard to take my eyes off them. The Wiggles, on the other hand, are a bunch of ugly, middle-aged, Australian men who dress like crew members from the original Star Trek. That's it. I've seen two episodes and don't see anything more than that. They do have other characters like Captain Feathersword (weird), Dorothy the Dinosaur (a blatant Barney the Dinosaur rip-off), but that's it. And my kids love them. In doing research for this post, I discovered that the Wiggles incorporate child development research into their performance, which is kind of a relief. At least I understand now why kids find them so irresistible - they're designed to be. But I'm not going to the concerts. No way.

Jokebook: Weight Limit

This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, "How often do you change your baby?"

The blonde says, "Once a month."

The doctor yells, "What? Why do you only change him once a month?"

The blonde says, "Well, the box says 'good up until fifteen pounds.'"

Destroy Humanity: Pandemic Game

Ever have one of those days where you wanted to just wipe out ninety percent of Mankind, and leave the survivors bleeding from every orifice and facing the prospect of survival in a nightmarish post-Apocalyptic world where they wished they could join the dead? Well, now you can with the Flash game Pandemic. It's sort of a strategy game where you have to evolve (upgrade) your virus to spread as quickly as possible while killing as many as possible before Mankind manages to contain the spread. Some helpful hints:

• The first few turns, it will look like nothing is happening. Don't worry about it. Just keep clicking to the next turn until people start dying.
• In the beginning, focus on buying traits that will spread the disease quickly like waterborne contamination.
• Remember, the quicker people notice your plague, the faster they'll start trying to contain it. So hold off on buying internal hemmoraging until it's already too late.
• Once the infection has spread to all continents, crank up the lethality.
• Germany is almost impossible to infiltrate if the pandemic didn't start there. I suspect the programmers are German.
• This game will leave you feeling like scum. Enjoy it.

How Many Five Years Could You Take In a Fight

It's the age-old question that has perplexed Mankind for centuries, challenged the greatest minds of our age, and set the standards for bravery and physical endurance for our time: if you were attacked by a bunch of five-year olds in an enclosed basketball court with no weapons, how many could you take down? Well, now, thanks to the Internet, we have a simple, effective, and mathematically sound way of finding out without all the tedious rounding up five-year olds and beating them up. It's howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com.

And in case you're wondering, here's my score. Beat that. Oh, yeah, I'm bad-axe.

12

BONUS: Check out the forum post that inspired the widget. It's hysterical.

5 Phrases That Don't Make Me Feel Better About Gas Prices

1. They pay more for gas in Europe...
Europe built their cities for foot traffic and horses, so everything's close together and you can take public transportation or walk. I can't do that in Phoenix. It takes me two hours to get to work on the bus, and it would take me three or four hours to walk (I'm assuming, I'm not even going to try walking in this heat...)

2. Gas is still cheaper than milk...
But I don't need to buy ten gallons of milk every week.

3. High gas prices will drive us towards alternative energy sources...
If I could buy a car that ran on carrot juice right now, I would. But I can't. I'm still stuck with my gas-guzzling car that runs on plain old unleaded, and will be for the foreseeable future.

4. Gas prices are higher in other parts of the country...
Then I feel sorry for those poor saps, but I still feel sorrier for myself.

5. If you factor for inflation, prices are lower today than they were fifty years ago...
Well, for that to be comforting, I'd have to have my income factored for inflation to match.

Fun in a Call Center: A Girl Named William

I got a call from a woman named William. I cannot imagine what would possess someone to name their girl William. Maybe the parents wanted a boy or the father really wanted to name the child after himself. I also cannot imagine the nightmare William goes through on a daily basis. Is there anyone out there who would look at the name William and not assume it's a man? Everything she does would be affected. She goes to the drugstore and they ask her if she's picking up medication for her husband. She gets married, and people protest, thinking it's a gay marriage. People filling out forms for her accidentally set her gender to "male." People call her on the phone, and they start out calling her "sir." That would wear you down so fast.

Newswire: New Yuk Times Update

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Ugly and Poor Criticize Fashion of Rich and Beautiful

News Nuggets

NATIONAL
An old woman was trapped in her closet during a hurricane for twenty hours straight before she finally broke out. Said Tom Cruise, "That's nothing. I've been trapped in a closet for over twenty years."

A tiger escaped from its zoo enclosure and mauled three teenagers in San Francisco. Police believe the teens were drunk and under the influence of alcohol, and may have been yelling and throwing rocks at the tiger, as well as dangling their legs over the edge of the wall before it attacked them. The tiger had to be euthanized, but was given a posthumous award for improving the gene pool of the human race.

The governor of New York Eliot Spitzer admitted his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. Spitzer apologized and promised that from now on, he'll involve himself in low-class prostitution rings like everyone else.

Meanwhile, Spitzer's call girl was discovered in archival footage exposing herself for the DVD series "Girls Gone Wild." GGW has announced plans to make the footage into a special DVD, "Governors' Hookers Gone Wild." In the announcement, GGW added, "Our plan of filming every young drunk woman in America topless is finally paying off."

INTERNATIONAL
Lloyd's has insured the nose of winemaker Ilja Gort for eight million dollars. That gives Gort the most expensive boogers ever.

SCIENCE
A new Canadian robot named Dextre was installed outside the International Space Station. The robot is designed to assist astronauts in spacewalks. It also helps the astronauts improve their hockey, eh?

Facebook has added new features designed to protect users' privacy. The best way to safeguard your privacy with Facebook? Don't use Facebook.

Workers discovered the remains of a mummified dinosaur. Steven Spielberg has already bought the fossil for his next movie, "Jurassic Mummy Returns."

See you next Tuesday.

Please Kill Tim: State Merchandise

Well, I've dipped my big toe into the wonderful world of making your own T-shirts at Cafepress. I was shocked to discover a distinct lack of T-shirts for MTV's The State, so I'll be making quite a few of those. The first one is "Please Kill Tim." If you don't get it, you need to check out that sketch. Trust me...it's hilarious in context. And if you wear it, make sure you don't wear it around someone named Tim.

Amazon Women on Mars: The Human Figure From Spirit

Well, first it was a human face on Mars, and now the conspiracy nuts are at it again. It's been reported that a NASA photo from Mars seems to show a humanoid figure. Of course, NASA says it's just a rock, but this one is pretty good. To me, the saddest part of all this (besides the idea of a bunch of geeks scanning photos of rocks for hours on end, searching for human shapes) is the fact that they immediately went crazy over how it looks like a naked woman. I didn't see the breasts at first, but I'm not a geek who stares at a computer screen for hours on end...well, not anymore. Just what they need - the fantasy of naked alien women running around on Mars. If that doesn't put some gas behind the quest to go to Mars, I don't know what will.

Nice Job: O.J. Simpson Lawyer Heckler

When O.J. Simpson's lawyer held a press conference during the trial (not that trial, the non-lethal trial), an amazing thing happened. It turned out a comedian named Jake Byrd slipped into the lawyer's entourage. Not only did he get in, Byrd managed to get right next to the lawyer on-camera. And he made the most of it.

Diaper Duck

The Diaper Duck has a warning, "This product is not a toy. Do not allow children to play with it." I don't have a problem with that. But if you don't want kids to treat the Diaper Duck as a toy, why did you make it toy-shaped?!

UPDATE: I should probably clarify this...the reason I ask the question is that my son has rubber ducks, and I constantly have to take away the Diaper Duck from him, because he doesn't understand the difference and wants to play with it. They just made my life a little bit harder. Might as well have made a samurai sword with a rubber duck on the handle. Or a bottle of rat poison with the Flintstones on the label.

Newswire Update

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: NRA Supports New Handguns For Babies

Patriotic Colors: Coloring to Support the Troops

It does get boring in a call center sometimes, so people come up with ways to amuse themselves. For a while, some people were using coloring books and crayons. What I found absolutely bizarre is that they would collect up the pages they colored and send them to the troops in Iraq. Why would the troops in Iraq want these? I imagine them opening the envelope and finding all these colored pictures and saying, "Isn't that cute? All these kids drawing us pictures." Not realizing they were colored by forty and fifty-year old men and women.

Newswire Update

Breaking news from The New Yuk Times: News Media To Replace Police Force in Major Cites

Jokebook: Future Manager

This guy walks into a bar, slumps into his seat, and orders a stiff drink. The bartender serves the drink and asks, "Why so glum?"

The guy gulps down the drink, then says, "I just lost my job."

Bartender says, "That's too bad. How come?"

The guy says, "Ah, you know how managers are. They just stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."

The bartender says, "Sure. But why'd you get fired?"

The guy says, "Jealousy. Everybody thought I was a manager."

Flashback Friday: J.J. & Jeff

Back in the day, when everybody and their brother had a Nintendo, I had a Turbografx-16. Why did I have a Turbografx-16? Because it was supposed to be better than the Nintendo. And it was cheaper. More the latter. Unfortunately, the one thing the Turbografx-16 didn't have was good games. Perfect example: Nintendo had Super Mario Bros, the ultimate platform game. The Turbografx-16 had its answer for Super Mario Bros, and that answer was J.J. and Jeff. Which kind of explains why the Turbografx-16 no longer exists.

Whereas Mario Bros put you in the shoes of a plumber named Mario, J.J. and Jeff gave you two detectives named (wait for it) J.J. and Jeff. They were supposed to look cool, if your idea of cool is sunglasses and toothy smiles. I never really figured out what the game was about, to be honest, because I never played it past the first level. I thought the game was boring, frustrating, and odd, particularly the enemies like birds that would eject large droppings (seriously, like half its size) onto you. Turns out the Japanese version was heavy on toilet humor that was taken out in the American version. Those wacky Japanese.

Trivia:
* As I always suspected, the game is actually a Westernized version of a Japanese game, Kato-Chan and Ken-Chan. That game was based on a popular Japanese comedy show, Fun with Kato-Chan and Ken-Chan. The show had a segment where they would air funny homemade videos. That segment was the inspiration for America's Funniest Home Videos.
* Even though the game was J.J. and Jeff, you could only choose one of them to play. And there was no difference between the two characters at all, other than their appearance. The unplayed character would pop up throughout the game.
* J.J. and Jeff had a spray can they would use on enemies. In the Japanese version, Kato and Ken used their own flatulence. The original game also featured the unplayed character urinating and defecating in the background. That was also cut out. Thankfully.
* The game was recently re-released for the Wii, for some unknown reason. I guess the rights were cheap.
* The game was really hard to play, especially since the characters would build up speed and then glide to a stop, so it was hard to keep from sliding right off of platforms, etc.
* J.J. and Jeff was part of a genre of games that started with Adventure Island. Never heard of it, never played it, but apparently it was quite popular.

Links:
MobyGames goes into some of the censored bits of the game. Wikipedia, of course, weighs in on the game, but it needs to be fleshed out. I'll work on that. IGN.com has a fairly spot-on review of the game. So does CNET. Nintendo Wii Fanboy actually liked this game...no accounting for taste.

BONUS: Check out this video of the original Kato-Chan and Ken-Chan game on YouTube.

Related Posts:
Flashback Friday: The Black Hole
Flashback Friday: Platypus Man
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs

Side Effects Are Mild: Drug Advertising and Me

It's allergy season and I'm considering what medications to take to relieve the misery. I consider myself a fairly independent thinker. I pride myself in trying not to be swayed by other people's opinions or peer pressure. So why have I been considering taking Zyrtec now that it's gone over-the-counter? Or trying Nasonex? Because I saw advertisements for them. My logical side is telling me to review all my options instead of just going with what I saw on TV. My emotional side is saying, "But the computer-generated bee with the voice of Antonio Banderas says Nasonex could be the drug for me!" I guess I need to follow some more advice - check with my doctor to see if it's right for me. And where did I get that advice? From a computer-generated bee with the voice of Antonio Banderas. I can't win. But at least USA Today says I'm not alone.

Newswire: Updates

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: Celebrity Weight Loss Secrets Revealed: Plastic Surgery and Eating Disorders and Beautiful Woman Undergoes Face-Reduction Surgery

Not-So-Deep Thoughts: Cactus

You ever notice that if you type a word often enough, it starts to look weird? Like "cactus." It's got that "cac" in the beginning like someone gagging. "Cack! Cack!" And then there's "tus." Which is just weird all by itself. Put them together and it makes you wonder why someone saw those spiny things and decided to call them "cactus."

Fun in a Call Center: Pango

This started when I was spelling out a medication for a caller.

ME: "A" as in "Alpha," "T" as in "Tango. Okay?
OLDIE: I see. Sir, what does "pango" mean in your language?
ME: [pause] "Pango?"
OLDIE: Yes, "pango."
ME: Oh, no, I said "tango." Like the dance.
OLDIE: Oh, "tango." Like a "T."

Believe it or not, there are still a few call centers that are not staffed in India or Bora Bora.