News Nuggets

NATIONAL
An old woman was trapped in her closet during a hurricane for twenty hours straight before she finally broke out. Said Tom Cruise, "That's nothing. I've been trapped in a closet for over twenty years."

A tiger escaped from its zoo enclosure and mauled three teenagers in San Francisco. Police believe the teens were drunk and under the influence of alcohol, and may have been yelling and throwing rocks at the tiger, as well as dangling their legs over the edge of the wall before it attacked them. The tiger had to be euthanized, but was given a posthumous award for improving the gene pool of the human race.

The governor of New York Eliot Spitzer admitted his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. Spitzer apologized and promised that from now on, he'll involve himself in low-class prostitution rings like everyone else.

Meanwhile, Spitzer's call girl was discovered in archival footage exposing herself for the DVD series "Girls Gone Wild." GGW has announced plans to make the footage into a special DVD, "Governors' Hookers Gone Wild." In the announcement, GGW added, "Our plan of filming every young drunk woman in America topless is finally paying off."

INTERNATIONAL
Lloyd's has insured the nose of winemaker Ilja Gort for eight million dollars. That gives Gort the most expensive boogers ever.

SCIENCE
A new Canadian robot named Dextre was installed outside the International Space Station. The robot is designed to assist astronauts in spacewalks. It also helps the astronauts improve their hockey, eh?

Facebook has added new features designed to protect users' privacy. The best way to safeguard your privacy with Facebook? Don't use Facebook.

Workers discovered the remains of a mummified dinosaur. Steven Spielberg has already bought the fossil for his next movie, "Jurassic Mummy Returns."

See you next Tuesday.