Thursday, January 31, 2008

Cactus League: 2008 Superbowl Coverage Pt 2

This morning, I was watching Mike and Mike on ESPN for the 2008 Super Bowl coverage here in Arizona and there were cactus in the background. And I'm thinking, "Where did all those cacti come from?" And I realized they were fake cactus. Plastic, I think. ESPN brought in fake cactus to put in the background of their TV broadcasts. I think it looks more ridiculous than not having cactus at all. Phoenix is known for cactus, but it's more common in the desert than the city. I would guess ninety-nine percent of the cactus in Phoenix is brought in from the desert or a cactus farm and planted there by landscapers. It's not like we're spraying weed-killer on our lawns, going, "Darn cactus! It grows everywhere! Worse than dandelions!"

Related Posts:
Cactus League: 2008 Superbowl Coverage Pt 1

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Cactus League: 2008 Super Bowl Coverage-Part 1

Phoenix likes to pretend that it's a big world-class city like New York or Los Angeles, but it's still a hick town. You can tell because with the 2008 Super Bowl being held here in Phoenix, and world attention focused on Arizona, there's an inescapable attitude from the local news and population of "Look, we're on TV!" It is weird to heard national media saying "We're coming to you live from Glendale, Arizona…" Especially since it's Glendale.

For those who don't live here, let me explain what Glendale is; the middle of nowhere. I'm sure the media won't show it, but the University of Phoenix Stadium where the Super Bowl is being played is surrounded by miles and miles of farmland in all directions. Even I don't go to Glendale that often, and I've lived here for almost two decades. So seeing ESPN set up shop there is surreal.

Related Post:
Top Ten Reasons We All Hate The New Cardinals Stadium Name

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Bait and Switch: Regular Food vs McDonald's Food

It's been a while since I bashed McDonald's, but there is more evidence that they are the evil empire. It seems that they did a study where they gave children food in regular bags and McDonald's bags, and children said the McDonald's food tasted better. That's despite the fact that the food was actually identical. The trick even worked with carrots. What does this mean? It means that McDonald's has so programmed children that they come to believe McDonald's is inherently better than any other food, despite all evidence. That makes it harder for parents to deny them McDonald's food, since children will believe regular food isn't as good, even if it's better.

On a side note, while it's easy to say this shows children are gullible, I wonder if the same study would work on adults. I'm not sure, but it does make me wonder if a Jack-in-the-Box Ultimate Cheeseburger would taste as good if I made it at home.

Related Posts:
* The Problem With McDonald's
* McDonalds Suffocates Children...For Safety
* Fruit Buzz?!

McDonald's Logo photo from http://www.flickr.com/photos/hermansjocelyn/2073826793/

Monday, January 14, 2008

A Beautiful Lie: The Truth Behind "A Beautiful Mind"

I decided to use the format of Reel Faces to answer some questions for my most damning example of Hollywood tinkering with history, A Beautiful Mind. I offered this to Kevin Lang, the author of "Reel Faces" and he said he would "try to remember" to give me credit when it's done. Which doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. So here it is.

Q: Was John Nash as cocky and arrogant as he was in the movie?
A: Yes. In fact, many people who worked with Nash disliked him, even before his mental breakdown. They found him arrogant, egotistical, and insensitive, but tolerated him because of his mathematical genius.

Q: Was the portrayal of Nash's delusions in the movie accurate?
A: No. The storyline of a Communist conspiracy to smuggle a nuclear bomb into the U.S. was made up for the movie in order to capture the spirit of his delusions. In real-life, Nash's delusions were even less logical and more chaotic than the movie version.Nash's mental breakdown through schizophrenia didn't truly develop until the 1960s, after he had graduated from Princeton (no phantom roommate) and married Alicia Nash. At the height of his madness, Nash believed that aliens were sending him encrypted messages through the New York Times, and that any man wearing a red necktie was a member of a secret international communist organization. He claimed to colleagues that he was the Pope and the emperor of Antarctica, and feared the government was working with extraterrestrials to destroy his reputation. At some point, he developed a messianic complex and thought he was a messenger from God. Nash eventually came to believe he was on a holy mission to come up with a mystical number that would prove the existence of God.

Nash says he does not recall seeing any visual hallucinations, but heard voices that mocked and argued with him constantly. At times, Nash thought the voices were coming from aliens or angels. Nash would make phone calls to family and colleagues using false names and have rambling conversations about numerology and conspiracies that they would endure until he hung up.

Q: Did Nash stay at home after his first stay in the mental institution, trying to compose new formulas?
A: No. Nash actually left the country after his first release from the mental hospital and wandered Europe for months, declaring himself a refugee and trying to renounce his U.S. citizenship. While there, he mailed postcards containing nonsensical stories and numerical formulas to his old workmates. His wife eventually worked with the State Department to have Nash deported back to the United States.

Q: Was John Nash allowed to return to Princeton, despite his mental illness?
A: Yes. But unlike in the movie, Nash was a more mysterious and disturbing figure on campus. Nash became an almost mythical figure to the students, who called him "the Phantom." He would leave secret codes and mathematical formulas on blackboards and on papers shoved under the doors of teachers, and wander the campus in red sneakers, murmuring to himself.

Q: Was his wife's love and Nash's logic the key to his recovery?
A: No. The reasons for Nash's recovery are a matter of debate. Nash did indeed stop taking his anti-psychotic medication, and never did take any medication again. Nash claims that it was his logical mind that allowed his recovery. The truth is that many people age out of schizophrenia on their own over time.

Q: Was the love story between John Nash and his wife Alicia truly as beautiful as in the movie?
A: No. In reality, Nash was already involved with another woman and had fathered a son out of wedlock with her when he met his current wife, Alicia. She was a student in his class, and they did marry and have a son together, but his illness drove them apart. Unlike in the movie, Nash deeply resented Alicia for having him involuntarily committed. Upon his release, Nash withdrew from her emotionally and sexually. After three years of enduring his mania, Alicia divorced Nash in 1962 and began a new relationship with another man. She continued to help and support Nash as a friend rather than a husband. She even let him stay in her home to keep Nash from becoming homeless, but thought of him as a boarder; they lived separate lives under the same roof. Their romantic relationship was only restarted after Nash won the Nobel Prize. She remarried him in 2001, well after his mental illness had already subsided.

Q: Was a man sent by the Nobel Prize committee to check whether Nash was stable enough to award the prize?
A: Yes. Jörgen Weibull was an economics professor sent by the committee to meet with Nash. He did interview Nash and the moment when Nash initially resisted going into the Princeton faculty lounge did happen. In fact, Weibull cited Nash's hesitation as the reason he recommended Nash be given the prize; it showed an obscurity and insecurity on Nash's part that Weibull felt demanded to be corrected.

Q: Was there a moment where Nash was honored by Princeton faculty by their lying their pens in front of him at his table?
A: No. No such ceremony has ever existed at Princeton.

Q: Was John Nash's acceptance speech for his Nobel Prize the same as in the movie?
A: No. In fact, Nash was not allowed to give an acceptance speech at the Nobel award ceremony because they were afraid he was too unstable. He did give a speech afterwards at a party at Princeton, but it was not the one given in the movie. According to his biographer, Nash mainly made jokes about how he hoped the award would improve his credit rating.

SOURCES
* Lycos: John Nash
* Free Info Society: John Nash
* http://www.slate.com/id/2060110/
* John Nash's Autobiography for the Nobel Prize
* PBS: A Brilliant Madness
* CBS: Beautiful Mind No White Wash

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Bio-Hazard: The Truth Behind Movie Biographies

I hate movie biographies. Let's clarify that statement. I think it's a great and enjoyable thing to see someone's story depicted on the silver screen, and they're often fascinating and engaging. The problem is that they are often entirely fictional. I don't know what it is about Hollywood that truth isn't enough for them. Obviously, they find true stories compelling enough to make movies about them, but once they get the rights to the story, the writers feel free to make whatever changes they think will make the story better. As a result, I often finding myself watching "true" Hollywood stories and wondering how much of what I'm seeing is reality or fiction. To aid with this problem comes Reel Faces, dedicated to establishing fact versus fiction.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Rescue 911: "If this is an emergency..."

A post by glomgold reminded me of one of my pet peeves: the phrase "if this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911." Are there really that many people who get into a life-threatening situation and don't know who to call? I've heard the phrase on my doctor's line, which kind of makes sense, but what about the pharmacy? Or my auto insurance company? I imagine somebody lying on their kitchen floor, bleeding to death with a phone in their hand going, "Must...call…GEICO." I guess there must be enough stupid people in the world that at some point, someone decided to weed them out. But if you go that far, then shouldn't we make the next logical step? How about these phrases:

10. If you are looking for information, hang up and dial 411.

9. If this is about being angry, hang up until you calm down.

8. If this is about getting a job, then hang up and call a temp agency.

7. If this is about being hungry, hang up and dial Burger King.

6. If this is about dying, hang up and call your lawyer to finalize your will, then call your local mortuary to make funeral arrangements.

5. If this is about being tired, hang up and take a nap.

4. If you are looking for a mate, hang up and dial a dating service.

3. If this is about not being able to see, hang up and open your eyes or turn on the lights.

2. If this isn't an emergency, then hang up and call back when it's important.

1. If this is about chocolate chip cookies, then hang up and mix flour, butter, salt, vanilla, eggs, chocolate chips, milk, and sugar until it forms a soft dough, scoop out with a spoon, place them on a cookie sheet, and bake at 350-degrees for fifteen minutes until browned at the edges.

And if this phrase is so important, when you dial 911, shouldn't it say, "If this is an emergency, you've come to the right place. Stay on the line"?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I'm in Your Base: 2007 Year In Review

I recently discovered the delightful meme, "I'm in ur base, killin ur doodz."
And so we proudly present some of the highlights of 2007..."in ur base"-style.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Mars Needs Blood: Marscandykills.com

When I first stumbled across the link for PETA's anti-Mars website marscandykills.com, I thought "Those wacky PETA freaks are at it again. What could they possibly have to complain about with Mars candy?" And then I looked at the site. It's pretty disturbing. The experiments that Mars has been performing involving animals and chocolate seem like a bad joke. Injecting chocolate into the veins of mice? It's like Josef Mengele went to work for Willy Wonka. That's why it always bothers me when people call PETA a bunch of whackos. Certainly there are whackos in PETA, particularly the founder (whose stated goal is to have her body barbecued and turned into purses after her death), but they make some good arguments sometimes. And nobody else is going to do it.

In a related note, while I think the idea of their Holiday Celebrity Snow Globe is a good one, it's not as funny as it could have been. If you can't make a good joke out of Michael Vick's prison time, you're not really trying. That just shows that PETA has no sense of humor.

UPDATE: According to another article, Mars is trying to prove health benefits to chocolate, like that chocolate lowers blood pressure, etc. A twist that I'm surprised PETA didn't point out is that Mars' own website states that it does not promote animal research involving the suffering of animals. So PETA's taking them to court.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Jokebook: Designated Driver

This cop is waiting outside a bar and sees this guy come stumbling out. The guy is staggering all over the sidewalk from the bar all the way to a car parked out front. The guy pulls out his keys, drops them, picks them up again, fumbles around trying to put the keys into the lock, finally unlocks the door, falls inside, starts the car, and drives away, weaving all over the road.

The cop turns on his lights and pulls the car over. The guy gets out and the cop gives him a breathalyser test.

The guy blows a zero-point-zero.

The cop looks at the results, then looks at the guy and asks, "What is this?

The guy straightens, looks the cop square in the eye, and says in a clear voice, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Related Posts:
* Jokebook: Homeward Bound
* Jokebook: Police Phobia

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Pro Wrestling is Real: The Montreal Screwjob

I discovered an article on Wikipedia about the Montreal Screwjob. What's the Montreal Screwjob? An infamous event in wrestling history where Bret Hart was set up to lose a match against his arch-rival, Shawn Michaels, even though he was originally scripted for a draw. The article is fascinating in its complexity and impact the event had on wrestling in general. What I find most fascinating is that this entire story sounds like one of the hokey story lines they put on stage. If I had seen it happen, I would have assumed it was a clever plot device. I had no idea this kind of machinations and back room dealing actually occurred in wrestling. Maybe it's not all as stupid as I thought. Yes, it is. Or is it? Yes, it is.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Not-So-Pointless: More Thoughts on NaNoWriMo

I admit, since I wrote that last post on National Novel Writing Month, I have softened my tone. I do think there is value to the speed-writing approach. I have so many novels plotted out that I think would be great, but never get around to writing because it seems such a monumental chore. To think I can churn them out in a month makes it easier. Other novels I've started, and then let taper off after my enthusiasm waned. For me, the hardest part is getting something down on paper (er, in my case, down on hard drive). Once the first draft is complete and I have something to work with, it takes some pressure off.

My last completed novel took me three months to write, and then I spent another two months revising and editing. I have to admit that most of the best parts of the novel came in the revision, not the first draft.The novel I wrote in November is extremely rough, but how many writers do nail it on the first draft, anyway? I don't. I was surprised at how much of it came out well, actually. In fact, some of it may be my best writing ever. My biggest concern is how to add another 40,000 words to make it a saleable length. I don't think writing 10,000 words of the main character eating breakfast is going to cut it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Pointless: NaNoWriMo

In case you didn't know, National Novel Writing Month (more commonly known awkwardly as NaNoWriMo) was in November. The month is dedicated to writing an entire novel, and the goal of everyone who participates is to write 50,000 words in one month. I've heard of it for years and never participated. Well, this year I had a novel idea that I really wanted to do, and it was October anyway, so I signed up. And I did it. It was a close call for a while there, considering on Nov 15, I had only written 17,000 words, but I made a burst of speed in the end by writing at work.

In the end, I found myself disappointed by the whole experience. I'm happy I finished the novel, but I realized that the whole exercise is kind of pointless. First of all, technically 50,000 words is not a novel. That's a novella. Second, the FAQ discourages focusing on things like character, plot, and revision, just brute force. Well, I could write 50,000 words of garbage, but that doesn't do me any good. I also discovered that a few of the "winners" cheated by starting the month with more than zero words to begin with. I also discovered that while many people who participate do publish their works, most never actually go back and polish up their NaNoWriMo works. It's a good writing exercise to get past writer's block, but I can't take it too seriously. Still...I won. And I have a first draft. Which is a good start.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Jokebook: Lawyers

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why could the lawyer swim through a river of piranhas without getting eaten?
A: Professional courtesy.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Fun in a Call Center: Name Game

[I had a really bad case of the flu that day and my nose was completely stuffed up. To get the full experience of this call, read it out loud.]
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?
CALLER: My what?
ME: Your dayb?
CALLER: What?
ME: Dayb. Your dayb.
CALLER: I don't understand.
ME: Your dayb. Your firdst ad lads dayb.
CALLER: My what?
ME: Dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb.
CALLER: I'm sorry, I still don't understand.
ME: Your dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb. You dow, lyg Jod or Jill.
CALLER: Oh, my name?
ME: Yes.
CALLER: Oh, okay. [Caller gives name and completes the call. New call comes in...]
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?
CALLER2: My what?
ME: Your dayb?
CALLER2: What?
[Repeat this script sixty or so times. That's what that day was like.]

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part Two

Last week, we covered the bizarre evil clone of Mickey Mouse promoting Palestinian bombing. On the other lighter end of the spectrum, we have the recently-discovered Shijingshan Amusement Park in China. The amazing thing about the park is that it's basically a small-scale replica of Disneyland. Somehow, the Chinese managed to keep it a secret until May 2007. Not allowing people to come in or out of the country probably helped. The funniest part about this story to me is how the Chinese tried to say that it wasn't a copy of Disneyland. Take a look at some of the costumed characters. There's Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, even Shrek! Yeah, that's a coincidence.

The interesting thing is that, even though the Chinese quickly took these characters off the park when news broke on it, the Chinese themselves have a very casual attitude towards copyrights. My favorite quote by a Chinese housewife: "I don’t understand why that is such a big problem. Shouldn’t others be able to use those characters besides [Disney]?" Uh, no. That's what copyright means.

Best link on this debacle is at Japan Probe.

Newswire: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

This just in from The New Yuk Times: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

Friday, November 09, 2007

The Dance Re-Mix: How To Ruin A Good Song

1. Find a pleasant, mellow, soothing song with a gentle voice and a tender theme.
2. Speed the song up twice as fast.
3. Add a loud, thumping, and annoying backbeat
4. Find the hip-hop singer whose song is popular that week.
5. Add him yellng "Re-Miiiiixxx" for ten seconds at the beginning like a Mexican soccer announcer calling a goal.
6. Have him record a fifteen-second monologue that has nothing to do with the original theme of the song. Make sure he includes the word "booty."
7. Record him saying "yeah" and "uh-huh," and sprinkle at random throughout the song.
8. Distribute the re-mix to radio stations and dance clubs.
9. Make sure that radio stations never play the original song again.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

News Nuggets

ENTERTAINMENT
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:

NATIONAL
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.

SPORTS
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"

See you next Tuesday.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Movie Rule: #112456: People will do anything to get away from the Mob.

Examples: Sister Act, True Identity

Most common in: Comedies

In movies, the Mafia is invincible. There's nowhere they can't go, there's no one they can't get to. If you owe them money or cross them, they will pursue you to the ends of the Earth for the rest of your natural life until they kill you. There's only one way to get away from them, and that's to give yourself a foolproof disguise as a nun. Or as a white man. Or as a woman. And even then, the Mafia will still be sniffing around your convent or sorority, eyeing you with suspicion.

Of course, in the real world, people hide from the Mob all the time. As powerful and crazy as they are, it's not like the Mafia has infinite resources and determination. For example, the Witness Protection program usually just gives people new names and puts them in a different state, and they get along fine. Even in extreme cases, they just do a little plastic surgery. Imagine the real-world WPP going, "Okay, Sammy 'The Thunder' Gravanno is really after you guys, so here's what we'll do for you. From now on, you'll be posing as Bobo and Bongo, two kangaroos at the San Diego Zoo. Here are your costumes." The real people would be like, "Are you insane? I'm not spending the rest of my life as a kangaroo. I'm going to Mexico."

The reason running from the Mob happens so often in movies is that it's an easy way to get someone to do something totally ridiculous. Here's the conversation:
WRITER: "You know, I've got a great idea for a movie; a guy has to disguise himself as a tree in a suburban family's yard. And here's the hook: the family has five dogs!"
PRODUCER: "Sounds funny. But why would a guy dress up like a tree?"
WRITER: "Oh, I don't know. Uh, let's say…he's trying to hide from the Mob."
PRODUCER: "Makes perfect sense to me. Write it up and let's shoot it."

Imagine a movie where somebody owes money to the Mafia and they say "Go whack him," and the hitman goes to the victim's house, then comes back and says "Can't find him. He must have skipped town," and the mobster goes, "Okay, fine. Forget about it. It was only a couple thousand bucks. Just tell everybody to keep an eye out for him. If we don't find him, we'll make it up at the casinos." I'd like to see that.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Crazy Legs: One-Legged Samba Dancing

And now for something completely different: a man with one leg dancing the Samba. And no, he doesn't fall down.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part One

Two stories that broke recently seemed to connect in my mind, so I'll discuss them both. It seems that in two other countries, it's been revealed that people are using unauthorized copies of Mickey Mouse, and doing so in nefarious ways.

On the one hand, we have Tomorrow's Pioneers, a Palestinian children's show hosted by Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-a-like who preaches the destruction of Israel to little children. You can actually watch a clip on YouTube and it's pretty shocking. The show includes children reading poems with lines like "It is the time of death, we will fight a war." Farfur also criticizes President Bush. Just what we all want in a children's show - political rhetoric. Not surprisingly, Disney isn't too happy about it. There's a great quote from Walt Disney's own daughter calling the character "pure evil." Can't argue too much about that.

After international outcry, the character of Farfour was taken off the show, but amazingly, they actually killed him! In this clip, we see Farfour being given the land of Palestine by his grandfather, and then the Jewish conspiracy (for some reason, in the form of a P. Diddy-like black man) tries to bribe and then stabs Farfour to death to get the land. They actually martyred a cartoon character in front of its underage audience. No matter how you feel about the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians, I hope we can all agree that's not something children need to be exposed to. Although I personally wouldn't mind seeing Barney getting stabbed to death...
Part two coming up.