Rescue 911: "If this is an emergency..."

A post by glomgold reminded me of one of my pet peeves: the phrase "if this is an emergency, hang up and dial 911." Are there really that many people who get into a life-threatening situation and don't know who to call? I've heard the phrase on my doctor's line, which kind of makes sense, but what about the pharmacy? Or my auto insurance company? I imagine somebody lying on their kitchen floor, bleeding to death with a phone in their hand going, "Must...call…GEICO." I guess there must be enough stupid people in the world that at some point, someone decided to weed them out. But if you go that far, then shouldn't we make the next logical step? How about these phrases:

10. If you are looking for information, hang up and dial 411.

9. If this is about being angry, hang up until you calm down.

8. If this is about getting a job, then hang up and call a temp agency.

7. If this is about being hungry, hang up and dial Burger King.

6. If this is about dying, hang up and call your lawyer to finalize your will, then call your local mortuary to make funeral arrangements.

5. If this is about being tired, hang up and take a nap.

4. If you are looking for a mate, hang up and dial a dating service.

3. If this is about not being able to see, hang up and open your eyes or turn on the lights.

2. If this isn't an emergency, then hang up and call back when it's important.

1. If this is about chocolate chip cookies, then hang up and mix flour, butter, salt, vanilla, eggs, chocolate chips, milk, and sugar until it forms a soft dough, scoop out with a spoon, place them on a cookie sheet, and bake at 350-degrees for fifteen minutes until browned at the edges.

And if this phrase is so important, when you dial 911, shouldn't it say, "If this is an emergency, you've come to the right place. Stay on the line"?