Supermodel Kate Upton Does the Dougie

Epic Rap Battles of History: Easter Bunny vs. Genghis Khan

There's No Such Thing As "Wired Wi-Fi"

I was at a hotel that had this sign, and thought, "Awesome! Free Wi-Fi!" So I fired up my smartphone, but couldn't find the Wi-Fi signal. When I called the front desk, they informed me the Wi-Fi was only available on an Ethernet-enabled computer. I went back to the sign and read it more closely to find it was "Wi-Fi wired" access.

I thought I'd perform a public service and inform the Four Points Sheraton, AT&T, and anyone else who might be planning this kind of crap that there's no such thing as "wired Wi-Fi." Apparently no one told AT&T that "Wi-Fi" is certified as a wireless Internet connection. In fact, "Wi-Fi" stands for "wireless fidelity*." The idea of an Ethernet connection being called "wired Wi-Fi" is like calling radio a "picture-less movie." It doesn't make sense.

* To all the nerds out there, I'm aware that Wi-Fi started as a meaningless pun intended to remind us of "hi-fi," but the fact is that even the Wi-Fi Alliance refers to it as meaning "wireless fidelity."

KID TALK: The Man in the Yellow Hat is a Banana

I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share. Today, let's talk about Curious George.

 I've seen Curious George in movies, TV shows, and books for decades, and it just occurred to me last month that the Man in the Yellow Hat looks like a banana. No wonder Curious George hangs out with him. To George, the Man in the Yellow Hat is like a gigantic, talking, walking banana. Kind of changes the whole nature of their relationship. Now I imagine an episode of Curious George where the Man in the Yellow Hat slips in the bathtub and breaks his neck and dies. Then Curious George seizes the chance he's been waiting for and eats him. Then Curious George gets a taste for human blood and goes on a rampage. And the police come and shoot him to death in a furious gun battle.

Yeah, that's the kind of thing I think about when I watch my kids' shows.

No, Google, *You're* Too Slow!

I'm on a dial-up ISP (yeah, yeah), and I get this message every time I go onto Google Images:

You are seeing the basic version because we think your Internet connection is slow - Switch to standard version

To me, it seems a little confrontational. It sounds like, "You are seeing the basic version because your Internet connection sucks. Get a new ISP, loser. Or switch to standard version, and prove us wrong, and we'll apologize." Okay, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but still...Google, mind your own business.

Google is Watching You...Like You Asked Them To

I don't understand the uproar over the fact that Google Android phones collect location data. I'm not saying it's right that they're doing it, but it's not like Google made any secret of it. I've had to do the initial setup on quite a few Android phones and whenever I'm setting up my phone for the first time, I have this option pop up:

"Allow Google's location service to collect anonymous location data. Collection will occur even when no applications are running."

You have to have a check in the box next to it in order to use any of Google's navigation services. So what's the problem? Is nobody reading these things? If you didn't want it to happen, you shouldn't have checked the box.

The Eyes Have It: Amanda Seyfried vs. Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift should borrow some eye from Amanda Seyfried, because she's got some to spare. Taylor Swift has the smallest eyes in Hollywood and Amanda Seyfried has the biggest.

Happy Demolition Day 2011!

Happy Demolition Day, 2011! BOOM!




Video courtesy of YouTube and Controlled Demolition, Inc.

Demolition Day is coming

It's been a while since we mentioned it, but it's time to recover the tradition of Demolition Day. It's coming... get ready. Boom! For more info, go here

Ads on Android's Angry Birds Are Annoying

Right now, Angry Birds is doing extremely well on the Android platform, but I have a proposal. I want Rovio Mobile to make a paid version of the Angry Birds Android game. I know what you're thinking, "Is this guy crazy? He actually wants to pay money for a game he can get for free?" The answers are no and yes. The reason is that Angry Birds has the intrusive advertising I've ever seen on an Android application.

The problems start when you start the app. Sometimes it will play a full-screen video advertisement when it starts up. You can skip it, but it's just a roadblock on my way to the fun.

Then you get into the levels, and a banner advertisement will appear. It used to be in the lower-right version of the screen, where it overlapped some scenery, so it was out of the way. I guess that was too out-of-the-way, because they moved the banner ad to the upper-left corner of the screen. Coincidentally, that's smack-dab in the actual game-play. On some levels, it's just an annoyance. On others, it actually blocks your view of part of the structure you're trying to destroy, requiring you to move the level around to see what you're doing. It actually interferes with my game-play.

I understand that Rovio decided that problems with the pay system on the Android Market would keep them from making as much revenue as the iPhone version, so they made it free. I would politely ask Rovio to re-consider and release a paid version of Angry Birds without advertisements. I think there are a lot of customers who would pay to get rid of those ads. If you're one of them, click here to sign a petition. We can show Rovio they can make money on this app through direct sales, just like they did on the iPhone.

UPDATE: I just found out a few minutes after I posted this that Rovio Mobile is developing an in-game payment system called Bad Piggy Bank. Finally.

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen

"I just wanted to say good luck. We're all counting on you."  -Leslie Nielsen in Airplane (1980) Rest in Peace

Calvin Minus Hobbes 2.0

The beloved comic strip Calvin and Hobbes portrayed the relationship between a young boy and a tiger. Readers hailed the love of their magical friendship But what if Hobbes really was just a stuffed tiger? What if his relationship was all in his imagination? What if Calvin was on the edge of madness? The original controversial series Calvin Minus Hobbes showed us by simply replacing Hobbes in every cartoon with the stuffed version of Hobbes. The creator eventually found it too depressing to continue, so I've taken up the torch. I'll be updating the page with new cartoons approximately whenever I feel like it.

*NEW*

Fun in a Call Center: Worker's Con

I think I would like to work in the worker's comp department. I find those insurance claims so interesting, especially when you get into questions about the authenticity of the claim. Sometimes I go back and read the follow-up notes on claims I've entered. I read one claim where the driver claims he was robbed in Texas and hit in the neck, but his movement shows he wasn't in Texas on the day he claims. He also claimed someone had to help him out of bed this morning, to which the adjuster wrote in her notes "How??? He's a solo driver and would have had to get out of bed to get someone to help him out of his bed."

There was another one where a janitor claimed he hurt his back. First of all, he claimed he hurt himself on Sunday, but when his supervisor pointed out that he didn't work on weekends, he claims the injury occurred on Friday but he didn't feel it until Sunday. Then he claimed he hurt himself working the floor polisher when it tipped over and he tried to straighten it. Well, it turns out that the only time they use the floor cleaner is at night and he works during the day, plus the ladies' room is being remodeled, so the floor cleaner wasn't being used that day. Idiots. We're not stupid.

Fun in a Call Center: You Might Be a Redneck

One time, I took an insurance claim from a trucker who had driven off the road. The trucker said the last thing he remembered before the crash had been listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD. Well, after talking to the doctors about what had happened, the doctors think that he laughed so hard that he blacked out. If you're driving a truck and listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD and laugh so hard that you black out and drive off the road…you might be a redneck.

The Best of the Worst Reviews for Microsoft's Kin Phone

If the HTC DROID Incredible is the biggest hit of the year for Verizon, then the Microsoft Kin is definitely its biggest flop. The decision to stop production for the Kin a mere forty-eight days after it was launched allows us the chance to look back at its failure. The failure of the Kin isn't really a surprise to everyone. Here are the top ten best lines from the worst reviews:

1. "...the idea of choosing this severely limited device which doesn't do a single thing better than even the most basic Android device is kind of crazy." -Engadget
2. "I'm skeptical that young consumers will be thrilled with this first effort."-Associated Press
3. "What was Microsoft thinking when it launched this ill-begotten device?"-Computerworld
4. "Fun software, clunky design...the hardware is middle-of-the-road and the phone can sometimes be sluggish."-PC World
5. "Quite frankly, I haven't been this disappointed in a phone in a long time." -Phonescoop
6. "Verizon and Microsoft seem to be relying on consumer ignorance to sell the Kin, because only someone ignorant of their other options would get a Kin."-Windows Phone Thoughts
7. "...the Kins are misbegotten, crippled creatures compared to pretty much every smartphone on the market."- PC Mag
8. "...I have yet to see any compelling reason for someone to buy a Kin."- ZD Net
9. "The impression you get using the Kins isn’t that they’re based on a flawed concept, really, but that they just aren’t quite done." - Gizmodo.au
10. "If the Kin sells at all, it’ll be to a narrow slice of the population."-Gizmodo

Quote of the Week: Holy Crap

Dru of Cream of the Comics commenting on Marvel Adventures: The Avengers #9:

"Holy. Crap. Look at that cover, man."

Uncrustables: The Longest Distance Between You and PB&J

I thought the idea behind it is that some people (kids, mostly) don't like crusts on their PB&J sandwiches. They hate it so much that they can't even stand the thought of crust ever existing on their sandwich. For them, they created Uncrustables, which have no crust whatsoever. In fact, they don't really have edges. They're sort of pouches made from white bread with peanut butter and jelly sealed inside. The bread is sealed on the edges like apple pie. And what do you do when you want one? Well, you have to keep them in the freezer until you want one. Then you take it out and leave it on the table for thirty minutes to an hour to defrost. Then you can eat the tiny little pouch.

Right. Or you can just use regular bread, spread peanut butter on one side and jelly on the other, then cut off the crusts. Just saying.

Apparently, these things are hugely popular, mainly because mothers can just toss one or two into their kids' lunchboxes and they'll be defrosted by lunchtime. So apparently, Uncrustables are really for mothers who are too lazy...uh, I mean busy to spend five minutes making sandwiches themselves. The next logical step is Unpackables, sandwiches that can crawl out of the refrigerator in the morning and climb into the lunchboxes on their own, for mothers too lazy...uh, I mean busy to take them out of the freezer and pack their kids' lunches themselves.

KidsTalk: Miss Rosa is Sexy

This is the start of what may turn out to be a series. Here's the deal: I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share. Today, let's talk about Miss Rosa.

I make my kids watch a lot of TV on PBS, because it's educational. Over time, I began to notice Miss Rosa. Miss Rosa has a very small role on PBS - she just does little bumpers between shows, introducing the next program. She always has a little educational thing to do, like teach how to count in Spanish or safety. I found her disturbing for reasons I didn't understand, and eventually I was forced to admit what I didn't want to accept: I think Miss Rosa is freakin' hot. And I mean HOT. I don't know if it's the pretty eyes or the curvaceous lips or her accent or just the fact that she looks so sweet and innocent, but I can't take my eyes off her when she comes on. And every time she says something in Spanish, it gets me going. If she was my kids' preschool teacher, I'd be there to drop them off and pick them up every day. She teaches kids the alphabet, but I'd love to teach her a few things...well, you get the idea. Check out some of her clips and tell me if you don't feel the same way.


In real life, she's played by actress Jennifer Peña, who is also a certified teacher. It was hard to find information about her, because there's apparently a Latina singer with the same name who's more popular. She has a website, which is a little sparse. I did a search to see if I was the only one who felt this way about Miss Rosa, and it seems a lot of guys are in the closet about it. But I did find one article that listed her among the five hottest children's television personalities. I feel better knowing I'm not alone. If you feel the same way, let me know. We can form a club.

UPDATE: So this is my most popular post on this blog, I'm guessing we have a consensus: Miss Rosa is hot. Leave a comment below to join the club.

Quote of the Week: Why Rihanna is the Best Girlfriend Ever

R&B singer Rihanna on why she took naked pictures with her cell phone that were later leaked onto the Internet:
"If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him."

Lindsay Lohan: Unemployable

The child star whose career collapses once he or she reaches childhood is so common that it's become a Hollywood stereotype. However, one person has taken that failure to a whole new level: Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she's strung out on drugs and alcohol, but we've seen that before. Sure, she's known more for partying in clubs than acting, but we've also seen that before. Even the fact that she hasn't had a movie or TV role in years isn't news. What is news is that she is now literally unemployable.

Let's say you want to make a movie with Lindsay Lohan...for some reason. In order to make a movie, you need to get insurance. That will kill any hope of Lohan being in your movie, because her multiple car crashes and DUI arrests mean that no insurance company will cover her. The last person who took a chance on Lohan was Rick Schwartz, the producer of the movie Labor Pains, and he had to beg every insurance company in Hollywood before he found one who would insure Lohan. And Labor Pains ended up going straight to cable (ABC Family, for some reason) and home video, so it's unlikely another producer will go to that much trouble. At this rate, the best thing she could do for her career would be suicide. She should be taking notes on Robert Downey Jr. to see how to revive her career.

Quote of the Week: Good Luck, Nolan

John Del Signore on the promotion for The Dark Knight - Gothamist.com:
Unfortunately for them, The Dark Knight opens the same weekend as the hotly anticipated Space Chimps, so, you know, good luck, Nolan!

Jokebook: Computer Gender

When the computer came to Mexico, they had to figure out what gender to refer it to: as “la computadora” (feminine) or “el computador” (masculine).

One group decided that "computer" should be feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The second group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

"1, 2, 3, 4" is My New Favorite Song

My fascination with the song "1234" started when I was watching Sesame Street (gimme a break, I have two toddlers), and a woman came out and immediately captured my attention. I didn't recognize her, but the way they shot her segment made me think she was "somebody," like I was supposed to recognize her. She came out, smiling and beckoning sweetly, and began to sing [Youtube]. The song she sang was so cute and sweet, far more than just a counting song, and she had such charm that I couldn't get her out of my head. Plus, it all seemed so familiar.

So I Googled her, and discovered her name is Feist, and her song was familiar. I'd heard it as the background song in an iPod commercial. Turns out the song "1234" was re-written for Sesame Street, and it had become a smash hit from that commercial alone. I had to see what the real version was like, so I found the music video for the original "1234" [Youtube] And that proceeded to blow me away: a wildly fun, goofy, and enthusiastic dance sequence from a huge group in a warehouse, all seemingly shot in one take. So I read up on the music video, and it's even more amazing. Inspired by Feist's performance in a dance routine at the 1988 Olympics, the video was choreographed and shot in three days. They really were as happy as they seemed in the video: according to the director, even after they got their twentieth take, the dancers still wanted to do it again.

I've had the song stuck in my head since I first heard it. So I bought the mp3 from Amazon. And I love it.

Quote of the Week: The Box

Arcturan on the terrible review given to the movie The Box by Scifi Wire:
So, as bad as it is, when can we expect it to be prominently featured on SyFy along with the other high quality movies?

Alfred E. DVD: MadTV's Second Season DVD

I loved MadTV. Always would choose MadTV over Saturday Night Live, any day. I thought it was consistently funnier and more original than SNL from beginning to end. I also wondered why it never got any love. There were no movies with MadTV alumni. No one was walking around quoting or wearing T-shirts that said "He look-a like-a man." Bottom line? MadTV never got any respect. The absolute proof is that they released the first season of MadTV on DVD, and it sold so poorly that they cancelled plans to release any others. Well...I liked it.