Jokebook: Police Phobia

Late at night, a police officer is on the side of the road when he sees a car with its taillights out driving by. So the cop turns on his sirens. To his surprise, the car takes off at a hundred miles an hour. The cop engages the car in a high-speed chase that only ends when the car blows two of its tires and is forced to stop.

The cop goes over to the driver's side window of the car and growls, "You want to tell me what that was all about?"

The driver gasps, "Sorry, officer. My wife left me for a cop last week."

The cop nods. "I see. So that's left you a little bitter towards police officers?"

The driver gasps, "No, I thought you were gonna give her back."

My Games Fever: Reloaded

Since my original post on My Games Fever, I've had some additional thoughts. First of all, the show is really annoying. All these sound effects and the screen is crammed with crap so you can only see the host in one-third of the screen, and he or she is always jumping around trying to look excited and happy to be there. A review in the New York Daily News put it best.

Oddly enough, these kinds of shows (called "participation shows") are huge in Britain. For the life of me, I can't understand why. They must be much better produced in Britain. There is a version called Playdate where callers try to get dates with people in studio, sort of a home version of The Dating Game. I can see how that would be fun to watch.

And what's with the title? My Games Fever. Shouldn't that be My Game Fever? Or Game Fever? Or My Game? It's even a bad show grammatically.

MyNetworkTV is failing miserably, and if this is their best idea for fixing it, they've got a long way to go.

A Gun For A Leg: Grindhouse

The new movie Grindhouse is already built on an interesting idea, an homage to B-movie "grindhouse" movies with two short horror movies combined into one movie. Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, about a homicidal stuntman running people over with his car, sounds interesting, but Robert Rodriguez is topping it with a zombie movie called Planet Terror. The poster has a woman with a machine gun for a leg. I assumed it was a metaphor, but it's not. In the movie, a woman gets her leg ripped off and literally replaced by a machine gun. It sounds silly, but in the trailer, that gun-leg rocks. And it's…dare I say it…kinda sexy.

Phoenix Comedy Scene

Of course, we all know the stories of the big comedians like Seinfeld and Leno. But what about the every day working comedian struggling to make it? What about the comedians who aren't in the hub of comedy like Los Angeles, but in the gritty mean streets of Phoenix, Arizona? The Phoenix New Times has the answer.

Jokebook: Vow of Silence

There's a monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence, but once a year at a special dinner, one monk can stand up and say one thing.

So one year a monk stands up and says, "I really enjoy the mashed potatoes we serve here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The next year, another monk stands up and says, "I hate the mashed potatoes served here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The following year, the abbott of the monastery stands up and says, "I'm sick and tired of the constant bickering."

The Game That Plays You: My Games Fever

MyNetworkTV continues to be a pioneer in bizarre programming. First it was English-language telenovelas, and now it's My Games Fever. On the surface, it looks good - a game show where the viewers are the contestants. The host presents puzzles and the viewers call in to play. First time I saw it, I immediately thought something was strange. There's no phone number to call to participate. You can only text message, but you can't even text your answer. You can only send in a notice that you want to play. I figured out why when I read the fine-print: you get charged 99-cents for every text message you send in, and one contact is selected at random to call in and answer the puzzle on the air. So of the thousands of people who text in for a dollar each, only one gets to play, and that's not even a guarantee that you'll win. They've created a game that charges the contestant to play. A contestant could actually lose money playing the game. Stupid. Some of the female hosts are pretty cute, though.

Cold Snap: Winter Comes To Phoenix

They've had a "cold snap" here in Phoenix over the last few days, in the twenties at night. On Saturday, the local news literally gave advice on how to deal with the cold spell. The advice? Take your dogs and cats in, and use an extra blanket at night. Thanks. Like I'd be lying in bed and going, "Oh, the newswoman just said to put on an extra blanket! Because my plan on dealing with the cold was to strip naked and dive into a bathtub full of ice cubes. What a relief to have such wise advice." I'll take advice on dealing with weather from a Phoenix native when I see one carrying an umbrella in the rain. Don't get me started on that.

Flashback Friday: Robotman

I remember watching the Robotman animated special years before I read the Robotman cartoons. It was called Robotman and Friends and portrayed Robotman as a loveable little robot with a heart on his chest, flying through the clouds with his little propeller on his head. Sort of like R2-D2 meets the Care Bears. Looking back, I imagined that must have been the creator of the comic strip's worst nightmare - his edgy, funny comic strip being transformed into a sappy, silly, cutesy special. But it turns out it wasn't. When I did the research for this flashback, I discovered it was the other way around. The character of Robotman was created for the toys and the animated special, and the comic strip was just supposed to be a part of the media blitz. That explains where the heart on his chest came from. It turned out that the comic strip survived while the stuffed doll vanished into obscurity.

Trivia
* The original special was called Robotman and Friends, aired in October of 1984.
* Robotman had sidekicks - Stellar, Oops, and Lint. They fought an evil robot Toberon who tried to eliminate all the love in the world.
* After one other TV special, the Robotman character lived only in the comic strip.
* In the comic strip, Robotman lived with a family in suburbia for several years. He never fought an evil robot or tried to spread love in the world.
* Several years later, Robotman switched to living with a nerd named Monty.
* In 1999, Jim Meddick permanently phased out Robotman from the comic strip, changing it into Monty.

Links
The best website, hands-down, for Robotman is the Robotman Library. There's a good interview that explains the origin of the comic strip, as well as info on the related Robotman paraphenalia. That's about it.

Related
Flashback Friday: Out of This World
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Flashback Friday: Herb

Fox Versus Al Franken

Once upon a time, before Al Franken got a radio show, he had to annoy Republicans by writing books. At that time, Franken wrote Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them : A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. FOX sued, saying that the book violated copyright with its use of their slogan "fair and balanced." The lawsuit was thrown out before it went to trial, literally laughed out of court. Al Franken posted a transcript of the proceedings, minus the laughter. Feel free to insert your own.

Jokebook: Hell Has The Wrong One

One day, God is going through his records and realizes that Mother Theresa was accidentally sent to Hell. So he calls up Satan and says, "There's been a mix-up. You've got Mother Teresa down there."

Satan says, "Yeah, I know, it's great. She's re-decorated the place, she's always bright and sunny, and she even helps out every now and then. I'm keeping her."

God says, "You can't do that. You send her back up to Heaven or I'll sue you."

Satan says, "Fat chance. I've got all the lawyers."

Dragon Feathers: Eragon

I was watching the commercial for the new movie Eragon, which I don't plan to see...I don't understand the fascination with dragon-riding. If I had a dragon, I'd just send it around to destroy my enemies and report back. I don't need to ride on its back while it's doing it. And if there are other people riding dragons against me, even worse. I might get burned...and I noticed a weird thing. The dragons in the movie have feathers on their wings! That's just so wrong. Ever since the dawn of time, dragons have had bat-like wings. Why would they have feathers? They're not birds. I figure they did that to make their dragons seem more majestic. Maybe it's a chick-thing. Next thing, they'll have unicorns with scales.

Update From The New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: New Animated Movie Doesn't Include Robin Williams

2006: Big Things That Went Bust

TIME Magazine lists the "5 Things That Went From Buzz to Bust" in 2006. I wasn't surprised about Snakes on a Plane, but the PS3? Glad I didn't get one. I feel better knowing that the success of the Nintendo Wii over the Sony Playstation3 took everyone by surprise, including game makers who are now scrambling to make games for a system they didn't think they would need to.

Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

One of my favorite books when I was a kid was Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. The book has a simple but engaging premise - what if food rained down from the sky? Who wouldn't love that? I loved the book because of the way the author worked it out, and how life would be adapted to it. For instance, weather reports would become menus where you plan your meals based on what's predicted to come in. Restaurants would have no roofs so the food would just fall into your plate. Of course, like any good children's book, this fanciful tale turns dark and scary. It becomes a sort of careful-what-you-wish-for tale where the town gets crushed by gigantic hamburgers and floods of jelly-and-cream-cheese sandwiches. In the end, the people evacuate the town and build new homes out of stale bread. I found this book in a bookstore recently and realized how fun and creepy it really was, but also brought back a flood of memories. I especially liked the illustrations with little touches like sharks taking bites of peanut butter sandwiches.

Fun Facts:
* The town was called Chewandswallow. The book never described what country it was in, but it looked a lot like America.
* The book was written in 1978 by Judi Barrett and illustrated by Ron Barrett
* The author has written a sequel, Pickles To Pittsburgh which chronicles what's been happening in the town since it was abandoned. In the sequel, the people came back and started a company shipping free food to needy countries.
* Neither book explained why food would rain down from the sky.
* The book has been optioned for an animated movie, which I think would be awesome. A special effects extravaganza.

Links:
Not much besides Amazon.com. You can read an interview with her husband/illustrator Ron Barrett. Whatever.

Toe Jam: Pet Chews off Baby's Toes

Here's the feel-good story for the year - a mother and father pled guilty to criminal negligence after they woke up in the middle of the night to find their baby's toes had been eaten off by one of their pets. Amazingly, they still don't know and are arguing over which of their pets ate their baby's feet, but considering the two pets in question are a Pit Bull puppy and a ferret, both of which were left unattended with the baby, I don't know why it matters. How would you like to be that kid growing up? Sounds like another...

CONVERSATION OF THE FUTURE

Daughter: Hey, Mom?
Mother: Yes, Gimpy?
Daughter: You know, I never asked before, but what happened to my toes? Was I born this way?
Mother: Well, no. You see, uh, one of our pets ate your toes when you were a baby.
Daughter: Ate my toes? Was it Fluffy, our pit bull or Rocky, our ferret?
Mother: Well, we're not really sure. We didn't see it happen.
Daughter: Wow. How'd it happen?
Mother: That's actually an interesting story. It seems our pets were out, and you were in a high chair, and one of them chewed your toes off.
Daughter: Oh my goodness. And you couldn't stop them?
Mother: Well, no. We were asleep.
Daughter: Oh, in another room?
Mother: No, actually, we were asleep on a mattress right next to you.
Daughter: Oh, so it happened so quickly that you couldn't stop it.
Mother: Uh, no, the doctors say it must have taken over an hour to get all four of them off.
Daughter: Uh, and you didn't hear me screaming?
Mother: Well, honey, your father and I had a lot to drink that night and kind of passed out...
Daughter: I don't believe this. You let one of your animals eat my toes off?
Mother: Well, if it makes you feel any better, we got felony convictions for it.
Daughter: It doesn't.
Mother: Oh. Um...can I make you some pancakes?

The Holiday Season

It's at this time of year that people think of the holidays. And of course, there's one holiday that towers over them all - Demolition Day. Now is a great time to get your gingerbread house kits all decorated with sugar and candy canes and pretty cookes that you can blast to smithereens. Boom!

Jokebook: Etch-A-Sketch XP

From: Your Office
To: All Employees

Subject: The New IT System

As you all know, this company has been experiencing some financial problems in the past. One area that we've decided to cut costs is in Information Technology. Due to the rising cost of computer technology and the manpower required to handle an increasingly large network, we have decided to replace all desktop PCs with an Etch-A-Sketch. To ease the transition, we present the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I re-boot my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document?
A: Don't pick it up and shake it.

Those Mannequins Are Bootylicious

Jennifer Lopez opened a huge can of worms, notifying the White population that stick-thin models aren't always the most attractive. And people are listening. Not only are there more products, ad campaigns, and clothes pushing a curvier figure, there are even mannequins. The New York Times did a story about how there's a new trend in mannequins to make them more curvaceous.

Latest Update From The New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: Big Bird Attacks Handler

Xylotriptyzoqanukine: Drug Name Origins

Ever wonder how drug companies come up with such bizarre names for their drugs as Lipitor, Viagra, or Xylocaine? The FDA has a very interesting article on drug names, including how drug names are developed, what goes into a drug's name, and how the wrong name can be lethal.

Flashback Friday: Herb

Back in the 80's, there was a Burger King contest where you had to try to spot Herb in a BK restaurant and win $5,000. Herb was supposedly the one guy in America who had never tried a Whopper. I used to dream of walking into a BK and finding Herb. Of course, they didn't tell you what he looked like, so it was kind of difficult to achieve that dream. When they finally did, I got excited about finding him all over again. But of course, I never did. I always wondered whatever happened to Herb. Turns out Herb was one of the biggest blunders of advertising in U.S. history. Now I'm glad I didn't find Herb.

Trivia

• The campaign began with a series of mysterious ads and billboards that said "Who's Herb?"


• Herb was finally unveiled in a Super Bowl XX commercial in 1986.


• The reason why Herb, a man who doesn't eat Whoppers, would be in Burger King restaurants was never explained.


• The fact that Herb turned out to be a nerdy-looking guy in a loud suit was supposed to send the message that only losers don't eat Whoppers. Instead, the public took away the message that only losers eat at Burger King.


• In hip-hop or street lingo, a "Herb" is a nerd or loser. The term comes directly from these commercials.


• Instead of boosting sales, sales at Burger King actually dropped during this campaign.


• The Herb unveiling came at the same time McDonald's launched the McD.L.T.


• Advertising Age called the "Where's Herb" campaign the "most elaborate advertising flop of the decade."


• Herb was played by an actor named John Merrick. John Merrick was also the name of the Elephant Man, a hideously deformed circus freak.

Links
Surprisingly enough, Wikipedia is not the first place to go for info on Herb. I need to work on that. The best article is in E2. There's also an article in TV Acres about him. RetroCRUSH named the Herb campaign its biggest Fast Food Fiasco. Through the power of the Internet, you can even read an article from TIME Magazine circa 1986 about the unveiling. And for more retro flava, you can read a transcript of the infamous SNL sketch making fun of the Herb campaign.

eGad!: Brains for Zombies

Haven't done a random link in a long time...and I guess it's overdue. A while back I saw a fake website that claimed to be a shopping mall for evil geniuses taking over the world. You could "shop" for nuclear missiles, uniforms, henchmen, the works. Hysterical...but I can't find it. So I found Brains for Zombies instead. It's kinda funny. But eGad, a parody of eBay, is funnier.

The New World (abridged version)

FADE IN

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND COLONISTS ARRIVING IN AMERICA WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

COLIN FARRELL
I'm Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF BEAUTIFUL SCENERY AND NATIVE AMERICANS RUNNING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

Q'ORIANA KILCHER
I'm Pocahontas.

LOTS OF SCENES OF NATIVE AMERICANS AND COLONISTS FIGHTING WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm marrying someone else, moving to Europe, and having his baby.

LOTS OF SCENES OF EUROPE AND POCAHONTAS WANDERING AROUND WITH HER HUSBAND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

POCAHONTAS' HUSBAND
I love you.

KILCHER
I love Captain Smith.

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS GOING BACK TO AMERICA AND WANDERING AROUND WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING

FARRELL
I love you.

KILCHER
I love you, too. But I'm leaving you and never coming back.

POCAHONTAS RETURNS TO AMERICA, APPARENTLY DIES

LOTS OF SCENES OF POCAHONTAS RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS

FADE OUT

AUDIENCE
What the heck was that?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sadly, this wasn't much of an exaggeration.

Stolen Credit: Disney's Little Mermaid

We got the new 2-disc Platinum Edition of The Little Mermaid and I watched it again...great, of course...but I noticed something strange in the opening credits. I couldn't find anything like "inspired by Hans Christian Andersen" or "based on the novel by Hans Christian Andersen." In fact, there was no mention of him at all. I admit that the Disney story made some pretty big changes, but I don't think that gives them the right not to mention him. Or maybe I missed it. I dunno. I couldn't find any reference to this fact on the Internet, which I think is something that would have been mentioned. But it's not like they're hiding it now - the DVD has a documentary based entirely on Hans Christian Andersen and his version of the story.
On the positive side, the DVD has a virtual re-creation of "Under the Sea," a designed-but-never-built ride based on The Little Mermaid movie. It actually shows the perspective of riding in one of the cars while it goes through the ride as it would have been. It's pretty cool and a unique feature that certainly raises the bar on DVD features, which is always a good thing.

Microsoft of Baby Stuff: Winnie the Pooh

In the past few months, I've become quite familiar with baby apparel and I'll say this - Winnie the Pooh owns baby stuff. It's hard to find a baby bottle or a baby sheet or baby clothes that doesn't have Winnie the Pooh characters on it. Oh, sure, there are some Sesame Street characters or Peanuts characters or even baby Tiny Toons (where did that come from?), but Winnie the Pooh is the default. He's like Microsoft. Winnie the Pooh has a monopoly. The government should step in and break them up into smaller divisions. Maybe Tigger gets baby blankets or Piglet get baby bottles.