News Nuggets

HEADLINES

Violent protests swept the Muslim world over cartoons published in a Danish newspaper. The Muslim community is outraged by the fact that Garfield just isn't funny anymore.

Oil prices inched back above sixty dollars a barrel. And American SUV owners inched closer to suicide.

A new study found that women hold fewer state government posts than men. But women still hold more positions in the kitchen and making babies.

During a hearing, US Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff admitted there were lapses in the response to Hurricane Katrina, but only if you're willing to call the death and starvation of hundreds of American citizens a "lapse."

SPORTS

The 2006 Olympic Winter Games this week had the lowest ratings in twenty years, even losing to American Idol. Some have suggested boosting the popularity of the games by getting the figure skaters to sing while skating.

Rufus the Bull Terrier was awarded Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club. The dog celebrated his win by ripping out the judges' throats.

Wayne Gretsky insisted that he had no knowledge of an illegal gambling ring run by his assistant coach. This, despite the fact that his assistant coach changed his name to Vinnie "the Finger" Soprano.

SCIENCE

Scientists are studying powerful lightning storms on Saturn. Meanwhile, a San Francisco team of scientists is studying thunder on Uranus.

Internet search engines Google and Yahoo faced congressional hearings on their decision to filter out political websites and identify political dissidents in China. After asking how the companies could choose money over ethics, the Congressmen had to pause for the company representatives to stop laughing.

ENTERTAINMENT

Willie Nelson released the first mainstream gay cowboy song. It's called "When Tom Cruise Became a Cowboy."

U2 swept the Grammy Awards. During his acceptance speech, Bono choked to death on his own self-righteousness.

And Paul McCartney committed suicide after losing a Grammy award to a glorified karaoke singer, Kelly Clarkson.

See you next Tuesday.