Friday, April 22, 2005

News Nuggets

Britney Spears confirmed that she is pregnant, thus ending the sexual fantasies of men all over the world. The unborn fetus has already signed a music contract, gotten a quickie divorce, and kissed Madonna on the mouth.

A hotel in France burned down this week, killing twenty. The French guests died when they surrendered to the smoke and flames.

Millions have flooded to Rome to visit the tomb of Pope John Paul, but one person has been barred from visiting the tomb - Sinead O'Connor. The tomb is so popular that Disney has announced plans to build a theme park around it called PopeLand.

The mother of Michael Jackson's accuser took the stand, and begged the jury not to judge her. Michael Jackson immediately tried to do the same thing, just in case it worked. The mother became so distraught that she had to be subdued with a Coke can full of Jesus Juice. But really, just because she let a suspected pedophile lick her son's head and sleep in the same bed, does that make her a bad mother? Yes.

The president signed the bankruptcy reform bill, which reduces the number of people who can file for bankruptcy. The bill also issues everyone in America a pre-approved credit card.

Two enormous bombs exploded in Baghdad today when the first showings of "Alexander" and "Gigli" aired in Iraq.

The Washington Nationals played and won the first baseball game in D.C. in decades, but the winner was cast in doubt when the opposing team demanded a recount. The president threw out the first pitch, which was helped across the plate by several players in black suits and sunglasses.

4 comments:

Mauricem said...

That's hysterical! Did you make those up yourself?

Monkey Migraine said...

Yeah, trying something new. Wanted to see if I could do those news jokes like Weekend Update.

Mauricem said...

Amazing. Keep it up. They're very well done. I haven't done a top ten list in a while.

glomgold said...

Haha! I found these very funny. Yes, please do keep 'em going.