Mars Needs Blood: Marscandykills.com

When I first stumbled across the link for PETA's anti-Mars website marscandykills.com, I thought "Those wacky PETA freaks are at it again. What could they possibly have to complain about with Mars candy?" And then I looked at the site. It's pretty disturbing. The experiments that Mars has been performing involving animals and chocolate seem like a bad joke. Injecting chocolate into the veins of mice? It's like Josef Mengele went to work for Willy Wonka. That's why it always bothers me when people call PETA a bunch of whackos. Certainly there are whackos in PETA, particularly the founder (whose stated goal is to have her body barbecued and turned into purses after her death), but they make some good arguments sometimes. And nobody else is going to do it.

In a related note, while I think the idea of their Holiday Celebrity Snow Globe is a good one, it's not as funny as it could have been. If you can't make a good joke out of Michael Vick's prison time, you're not really trying. That just shows that PETA has no sense of humor.

UPDATE: According to another article, Mars is trying to prove health benefits to chocolate, like that chocolate lowers blood pressure, etc. A twist that I'm surprised PETA didn't point out is that Mars' own website states that it does not promote animal research involving the suffering of animals. So PETA's taking them to court.

Jokebook: Designated Driver

This cop is waiting outside a bar and sees this guy come stumbling out. The guy is staggering all over the sidewalk from the bar all the way to a car parked out front. The guy pulls out his keys, drops them, picks them up again, fumbles around trying to put the keys into the lock, finally unlocks the door, falls inside, starts the car, and drives away, weaving all over the road.

The cop turns on his lights and pulls the car over. The guy gets out and the cop gives him a breathalyser test.

The guy blows a zero-point-zero.

The cop looks at the results, then looks at the guy and asks, "What is this?

The guy straightens, looks the cop square in the eye, and says in a clear voice, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Related Posts:
* Jokebook: Homeward Bound
* Jokebook: Police Phobia

Pro Wrestling is Real: The Montreal Screwjob

I discovered an article on Wikipedia about the Montreal Screwjob. What's the Montreal Screwjob? An infamous event in wrestling history where Bret Hart was set up to lose a match against his arch-rival, Shawn Michaels, even though he was originally scripted for a draw. The article is fascinating in its complexity and impact the event had on wrestling in general. What I find most fascinating is that this entire story sounds like one of the hokey story lines they put on stage. If I had seen it happen, I would have assumed it was a clever plot device. I had no idea this kind of machinations and back room dealing actually occurred in wrestling. Maybe it's not all as stupid as I thought. Yes, it is. Or is it? Yes, it is.

Not-So-Pointless: More Thoughts on NaNoWriMo

I admit, since I wrote that last post on National Novel Writing Month, I have softened my tone. I do think there is value to the speed-writing approach. I have so many novels plotted out that I think would be great, but never get around to writing because it seems such a monumental chore. To think I can churn them out in a month makes it easier. Other novels I've started, and then let taper off after my enthusiasm waned. For me, the hardest part is getting something down on paper (er, in my case, down on hard drive). Once the first draft is complete and I have something to work with, it takes some pressure off.

My last completed novel took me three months to write, and then I spent another two months revising and editing. I have to admit that most of the best parts of the novel came in the revision, not the first draft.The novel I wrote in November is extremely rough, but how many writers do nail it on the first draft, anyway? I don't. I was surprised at how much of it came out well, actually. In fact, some of it may be my best writing ever. My biggest concern is how to add another 40,000 words to make it a saleable length. I don't think writing 10,000 words of the main character eating breakfast is going to cut it.

Newswire: Parents Give Child Weirdly Spelled Name

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Parents Give Child Weirdly Spelled Name

Pointless: NaNoWriMo

In case you didn't know, National Novel Writing Month (more commonly known awkwardly as NaNoWriMo) was in November. The month is dedicated to writing an entire novel, and the goal of everyone who participates is to write 50,000 words in one month. I've heard of it for years and never participated. Well, this year I had a novel idea that I really wanted to do, and it was October anyway, so I signed up. And I did it. It was a close call for a while there, considering on Nov 15, I had only written 17,000 words, but I made a burst of speed in the end by writing at work.

In the end, I found myself disappointed by the whole experience. I'm happy I finished the novel, but I realized that the whole exercise is kind of pointless. First of all, technically 50,000 words is not a novel. That's a novella. Second, the FAQ discourages focusing on things like character, plot, and revision, just brute force. Well, I could write 50,000 words of garbage, but that doesn't do me any good. I also discovered that a few of the "winners" cheated by starting the month with more than zero words to begin with. I also discovered that while many people who participate do publish their works, most never actually go back and polish up their NaNoWriMo works. It's a good writing exercise to get past writer's block, but I can't take it too seriously. Still...I won. And I have a first draft. Which is a good start.

Newswire: Miss Afghanistan Dethroned Over Burqa-Less Photos

This just in from The New Yuk Times: Miss Afghanistan Dethroned Over Burqa-Less Photos

Jokebook: Lawyers

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why could the lawyer swim through a river of piranhas without getting eaten?
A: Professional courtesy.

Fun in a Call Center: Name Game

[I had a really bad case of the flu that day and my nose was completely stuffed up. To get the full experience of this call, read it out loud.]
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER: What?

ME: Dayb. Your dayb.

CALLER: I don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Your firdst ad lads dayb.

CALLER: My what?

ME: Dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb.

CALLER: I'm sorry, I still don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb. You dow, lyg Jod or Jill.

CALLER: Oh, my name?

ME: Yes.

CALLER: Oh, okay. [Caller gives name and completes the call. New call comes in...]

ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER2: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER2: What?

[Repeat this script sixty or so times. That's what that day was like.]

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part Two

Last week, we covered the bizarre evil clone of Mickey Mouse promoting Palestinian bombing. On the other lighter end of the spectrum, we have the recently-discovered Shijingshan Amusement Park in China. The amazing thing about the park is that it's basically a small-scale replica of Disneyland. Somehow, the Chinese managed to keep it a secret until May 2007. Not allowing people to come in or out of the country probably helped. The funniest part about this story to me is how the Chinese tried to say that it wasn't a copy of Disneyland. Take a look at some of the costumed characters. There's Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, even Shrek! Yeah, that's a coincidence.

The interesting thing is that, even though the Chinese quickly took these characters off the park when news broke on it, the Chinese themselves have a very casual attitude towards copyrights. My favorite quote by a Chinese housewife: "I don’t understand why that is such a big problem. Shouldn’t others be able to use those characters besides [Disney]?" Uh, no. That's what copyright means.

Best link on this debacle is at Japan Probe.

Newswire: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

This just in from The New Yuk Times: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

The Dance Re-Mix: How To Ruin A Good Song

1. Find a pleasant, mellow, soothing song with a gentle voice and a tender theme.
2. Speed the song up twice as fast.
3. Add a loud, thumping, and annoying backbeat
4. Find the hip-hop singer whose song is popular that week.
5. Add him yellng "Re-Miiiiixxx" for ten seconds at the beginning like a Mexican soccer announcer calling a goal.
6. Have him record a fifteen-second monologue that has nothing to do with the original theme of the song. Make sure he includes the word "booty."
7. Record him saying "yeah" and "uh-huh," and sprinkle at random throughout the song.
8. Distribute the re-mix to radio stations and dance clubs.
9. Make sure that radio stations never play the original song again.

News Nuggets

ENTERTAINMENT
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:

NATIONAL
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.

SPORTS
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"

See you next Tuesday.

Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Movie Rule: #112456: People will do anything to get away from the Mob.

Examples: Sister Act, True Identity

Most common in: Comedies

In movies, the Mafia is invincible. There's nowhere they can't go, there's no one they can't get to. If you owe them money or cross them, they will pursue you to the ends of the Earth for the rest of your natural life until they kill you. There's only one way to get away from them, and that's to give yourself a foolproof disguise as a nun. Or as a white man. Or as a woman. And even then, the Mafia will still be sniffing around your convent or sorority, eyeing you with suspicion.

Of course, in the real world, people hide from the Mob all the time. As powerful and crazy as they are, it's not like the Mafia has infinite resources and determination. For example, the Witness Protection program usually just gives people new names and puts them in a different state, and they get along fine. Even in extreme cases, they just do a little plastic surgery. Imagine the real-world WPP going, "Okay, Sammy 'The Thunder' Gravanno is really after you guys, so here's what we'll do for you. From now on, you'll be posing as Bobo and Bongo, two kangaroos at the San Diego Zoo. Here are your costumes." The real people would be like, "Are you insane? I'm not spending the rest of my life as a kangaroo. I'm going to Mexico."

The reason running from the Mob happens so often in movies is that it's an easy way to get someone to do something totally ridiculous. Here's the conversation:
WRITER: "You know, I've got a great idea for a movie; a guy has to disguise himself as a tree in a suburban family's yard. And here's the hook: the family has five dogs!"
PRODUCER: "Sounds funny. But why would a guy dress up like a tree?"
WRITER: "Oh, I don't know. Uh, let's say…he's trying to hide from the Mob."
PRODUCER: "Makes perfect sense to me. Write it up and let's shoot it."

Imagine a movie where somebody owes money to the Mafia and they say "Go whack him," and the hitman goes to the victim's house, then comes back and says "Can't find him. He must have skipped town," and the mobster goes, "Okay, fine. Forget about it. It was only a couple thousand bucks. Just tell everybody to keep an eye out for him. If we don't find him, we'll make it up at the casinos." I'd like to see that.

Crazy Legs: One-Legged Samba Dancing

And now for something completely different: a man with one leg dancing the Samba. And no, he doesn't fall down.

Breaking News From the New Yuk Times

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part One

Two stories that broke recently seemed to connect in my mind, so I'll discuss them both. It seems that in two other countries, it's been revealed that people are using unauthorized copies of Mickey Mouse, and doing so in nefarious ways.

On the one hand, we have Tomorrow's Pioneers, a Palestinian children's show hosted by Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-a-like who preaches the destruction of Israel to little children. You can actually watch a clip on YouTube and it's pretty shocking. The show includes children reading poems with lines like "It is the time of death, we will fight a war." Farfur also criticizes President Bush. Just what we all want in a children's show - political rhetoric. Not surprisingly, Disney isn't too happy about it. There's a great quote from Walt Disney's own daughter calling the character "pure evil." Can't argue too much about that.

After international outcry, the character of Farfour was taken off the show, but amazingly, they actually killed him! In this clip, we see Farfour being given the land of Palestine by his grandfather, and then the Jewish conspiracy (for some reason, in the form of a P. Diddy-like black man) tries to bribe and then stabs Farfour to death to get the land. They actually martyred a cartoon character in front of its underage audience. No matter how you feel about the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians, I hope we can all agree that's not something children need to be exposed to. Although I personally wouldn't mind seeing Barney getting stabbed to death...

Part two coming up.

Movie Rules: Knock-Out

Movie rule #4,627: Even the slightest head impact will knock someone unconscious.

Most common in: Action Movies

The typical scenario: The hero whacks somebody on the back of the head with his fist or a gun and the enemy crumples instantly like a sack of potatoes. And once knocked unconscious, they will stay unconscious for as long as they are required to be. Of course, in real-life, hitting someone on the head will usually just make them mad. People do get knocked unconscious, but that's somewhat rare and usually only last for a few minutes. And a head impact that knocks someone unconscious is just as likely to kill them. Imagine a movie where James Bond sneaks up to a guard, thumps him on the head, and the guard turns around and shoots him. I'd like to see that.

Jurassic Slowpoke: T-Rex Walking Animation

The Tyrannosaurus Rex has been the king of dinosaurs for decades, ever since it was first put on display in 1865. Jurassic Park gave it a big boost by portraying it as a fearsome predator, sort of a gigantic lion. Yet one scientist has been leading a charge that the T-Rex was not a predator at all, but a scavenger. Of course, this isn't a very popular view, but he's looking more and more right over time. For example, a recent computer modeling experiment seems to show that, because of its weight distribution and its leg strength, the T-Rex couldn't run more than 25 mph, and would take 2 to 3 seconds to make a sudden turn. In other words, I could outrun the T-Rex, much less a stegosaurus.

Freakin' Sweet: Iron Man Trailer

I had my doubts about the new Iron Man movie, especially when I heard Tom Cruise was attached. Well, Cruise is gone, replaced by Robert Downey Jr. And the trailer is out. And it's freakin' sweet.

Call Centered: Spelling "B"

The following is from an actual conversation between me (a call center representative) and a very elderly and grumpy caller. All names have been changed to protect the irritating:

ME: Yes, sir, the copay on that medication is more expensive. There's another medication called Birolax...
GRUMPY: I can't understand you. You don't speak English.
ME: [pause] Sir, I'm 34 years old, I've been speaking English all my life.
GRUMPY: Well, I can't understand you. What's the name of that medication?
ME: It's "B" like Bravo, "I" like India, "R" like Romeo...
GRUMPY: No, don't spell it out. Just say the letters.
ME: Okay. B-I-R...
GRUMPY: What?
ME: B...I...R...
GRUMPY: I can't understand you.
ME: "B."
GRUMPY: What?
ME: "B" like Bravo.
GRUMPY: Don't spell it out, just say it.
ME: Okay. "B."
GRUMPY: What?
ME: "B!"
GRUMPY: [pause] What?
ME: [screaming] "B!!!!"
GRUMPY: What?
ME: [pause] Sir, I don't know how I can say the letter "B" any clearer. It's "B" like Brave or Boy.
GRUMPY: Oh, "B." Okay.
ME: [continues to spell out the medication with no problem and ends call]
CUBICLE NEIGHBOR WHO OVERHEARD THE CALL: You should have said "B" like "Butt-head."

Jokebook: Homeward Bound

This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.

Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"

She says, "Yes."

The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."

Related posts:
* Jokebook: Police Phobia
* Jokebook: Vow of Silence

Celery and Panties: The Artwork of Art Frahm

What do celery and ladies' underwear have in common? No, it's not a joke, at least not technically. It seems that back in the 50's, there was an artist named Art Frahm who painted cheesecake photos of women who had their panties suddenly falling down their legs in public. And all the paintings featured women carrying groceries with celery sticking out of it. Truly a bizarre fetish, one that is completely unrealistic. There's a website called the Institute of Official Cheer that analyzes his work and how bad it really was, very funny stuff. Makes you wonder how much of this stuff would hold up to that kind of scrutiny.

Ancient Chinese Secret: China vs Rainclouds

The Chinese aren't content with suppression of freedom of speech and democracy. They even want to suppress the weather. It was recently revealed that they have a plan to try to change the weather for the 2008 Olympics. If it looks like rain, the Chinese are testing equipment to disperse the rainclouds. To me, it seems somewhat sinister that they are so dedicated to the Olympics going perfectly that they even want to alter the weather. I don't know. Maybe it will work, but there's something strange about going to all that trouble over clouds. Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier to just use a tent and issue umbrellas?

Movie Rule: Garbage Disposals

Movie Rule #6639: Garbage disposals will always attempt to mangle people's hands.

It was actually my nephew who brought this one to my attention. He's ten years old and when he came over, he had never seen a garbage disposal in real life before. When he saw it, he asked, "Does it ever chop up people's hands?" At first, I was horrified, like "No, why would you think that?" Then he said, "In the movies, garbage disposals always chop up people's hands."

Which is true. Especially in horror movies. Someone scrapes something into the garbage disposal and hits the switch. It doesn't work, hmm. Or they drop something into the garbage disposal. So they reach down into the drain. Then the possessed house or the ghost or the computer virus or the blob hits the switch and then there's screaming or blood or all of the above. Or the disposal goes off a split-second after the person manages to pull his/her hand out. Which, of course, rarely happens in the real world. I personally am not stupid enough to reach into a garbage disposal, and even if I was, the odds of it coming on spontaneously are slim-to-none. But in movies, it happens every time. When was the last time you saw someone in a movie scrap some chicken bones into the sink, hit the switch, grind up the bones, and walk away? I'd like to see that.

Examples: Final Destination 2, Heroes