Sports Illustrated Almost Killed Kate Upton

I enjoy Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. I have no problem with women in skimpy outfits. But this time, Sports Illustrated has gone too far. They had the bright idea of taking pictures of the girls in every continent, and one of those continents happened to be Antarctica. How do you take swimsuit photos in Antarctica? There were ways to do it - use a backdrop of Antarctica or use a more substantial swimsuit or have the girl in a swimsuit and a parka over it. Or at least, have a heater off-camera to keep the girl warm. I mean, surely you wouldn't put a girl out in the ice and snow with nothing but a skimpy bikini? Or even put her out there topless? I mean, people die in those sub-zero temperatures all the time.

Well, that's exactly what they did to Kate Upton for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2013 issue. Kate Upton has described how they would put her out there and she almost died. For real. She lost her vision and hearing, which is the first stage of hypothermia. All so we could get some nice pictures of her. As much as I enjoy the photos, it's not worth it. It really makes me wonder what kind of safety protocols they had for her or if this was just a stupid idea that no one had the guts to shoot down or think of the consequences.

Of course, the counter-argument is that she didn't have to do it. It's not like she was a prisoner. She could have just said "no." But we all know the pressure she's under. I mean, Sports Illustrated made her career. If she turned them down, she probably would never do SI again. And maybe she gets a reputation of being difficult. She also probably figured they would have ways to protect her, which they apparently didn't have. Also, she's only 20 years old. The point is, while Kate has a lot of responsibility for this, it's all SI to blame.

Happy Demolition Day 2013!

Happy Demolition Day! BOOM!

If you're not a follower, then here's the deal on Demolition Day. In the aftermath of Valentine's Day 2007, I proposed a new holiday for men only. February 22 became Demolition Day, a day that celebrates destruction. What do you do on Demolition Day?

1) When you greet someone, instead of saying "Hello," yell "Boom!" To get the full effect, lunge at them and throw up your hands.

2) Throw a party with the traditional Demolition Day meal of beer and pizza while you watch action movies where stuff blows up. Any Rambo or Terminator movie will do.

3) Build a gingerbread house and decorate it all fancy and beautiful. Then at midnight, you and all your friends smash it to pieces with sticks or bare hands. If you really want to get fancy, use a bomb.

4) This would only happen if Demolition Day took off...but wouldn't it be great if there was a building somewhere that needs to be demolished, and they broadcast the demolition live on Demolition Day? And we all counted down like on New Years' Eve and the detonation occurred at midnight? And what if there were four or five buildings being demolished at the same time all around the world at midnight, and they showed them all simultaneously, picture-in-picture? Awesome.

So join me in celebrating Demolition Day on February 22. And tell your friends. Boom!

Alicia Keys Sings the Theme Song For "Gummi Bears"

I always thought this show was underrated...finally, it gets its due.

[Via MTV]

Monkey Migraine is Dead, Long Live Nigel G. Mitchell

Last week, when I replaced my profile picture on Blogger and Disqus with my profile photo, it was kind of emotional for me. In doing so, I erased the last vestiges of my alternate persona, Monkey Migraine. I feel like I need to memorialize him.

Monkey Migraine started out back in the days when anonymity was the watchword online. I wanted to start blogging, but I didn't want to use my real name. I was sitting around trying to think of a name, and "monkey migraine" popped into my head. I'll be honest...I don't know where it came from or why I liked it so much. Maybe because my mother had crippling migraines for most of her life. I also liked the alliteration: "monkey migraine" seemed to have an odd symmetry. Also, I hate monkeys...for real. So the idea of a monkey in pain pleased me. I also imagined the logo, a monkey with little lightning bolts. And so, Monkey Migraine was born.

Over time, Monkey Migraine became more than just a user name. It became a personality. I found myself writing as "him"; wild, crazy, off-beat, obsessive, and goofy. If you look back at my early blog posts, you'll see what I mean.

But when I started writing for Geek Twins, my brother encouraged me to use my real name. I resisted it for years, but at the same time, I could see how Maurice's name seemed to make him more accessible. Also, it became harder and harder to interact with people in things like Disqus with the nickname and monkey logo. It's just not a name to be taken seriously. More importantly, I feel like anonymity is no longer the watchword on the Internet. With Facebook and other social media, being yourself is the norm.

The turning point came when I decided to self-publish my novel, Dead Links. I never even considered putting "Monkey Migraine" as the author of my novel, and it got confusing and silly to be talking about the book which clearly has my name on it while under the name "Monkey Migraine." I couldn't pretend to be someone else while promoting a book as Nigel G. Mitchell. It just all became counter-productive.

And so, by removing my Monkey Migraine logo, you can see the real me. You'll probably notice a resemblance to my brother Maurice.

Monkey Migraine Mountain will still be the place I put my more personal and bizarre stuff, but I'll be creating a new blog. We have a lot of writers who visit Geek Twins, and Maurice has been encouraging me to become a part of the online writing community. That's why my new blog is "Nigel G. Mitchell-Author, Blogger, Geek." You can follow my new blog at: http://nigelgmitchell.blogspot.com/. Hope to see you there.

I have to admit that I'll miss Monkey Migraine. But I don't think he'll miss me.

Six Sentence Sunday: "Dead Links"

I'm joining the Six Sentence Sunday movement with this excerpt from my technothriller, Dead Links. If you're not familiar with it, the idea is to post six sentences from a work in progress or published novel.

The waiter's gun poured bullets into the cushions of the booth. Tufts of foam burst out of the holes to dance in the air like snow. The chatter of the Spectre ignited screams all through the restaurant, as well as the thunder of chairs toppling over and footsteps pounding from others trying to escape.

Amanda ran along the wall of booths, zigzagging to keep from giving their attacker a clear shot. A framed lithograph of an ocean scene shattered as bullets traced a ragged line across it. Glass rained down onto a screaming man sitting at the table.

If you'd like to read the rest of it, you can get the full novel at the Amazon Kindle Store.

Machine of Death: 'Alien Abduction' [Story]

The following short story was written for the second volume of the sci-fi anthology, Machine of Death: A Collection of Stories About People Who Know How They Will Die. The story was rejected, so I'm presenting it here for free. If you're not familiar with it, Machine of Death is a collection of short stories about a machine that takes a drop of blood, and prints out a card with a phrase that tells you exactly how you will die. It doesn't say where or when, and sometimes the card is so vague that you don't even know what it means, but it's never wrong. The title of every story is taken from a machine of death card. So here's my take on it:

UPDATE: I've moved this story to my new writing-only blog. You can read it here.

TwitWars: Steve Martin vs. Gweneth Paltrow [Pics]

Steve Martin wins. He's still got it.

 Posted by Gweneth Paltrow on 2/29/12 at 1:43 PM 

Posted by Steve Martin at 2/29/12 at 1:46 PM

[Via Crushable]

"Dead Links" is on Goodreads [Writing]

I recently published my thriller novel, Dead Links, as an ebook on the Amazon Kindle Store. As I said on our other blog, Geek Twins, I mainly did because I wanted to bring Dead Links under control. A few years ago, I posted Dead Links on another website as a free PDF. I recently discovered it's been spread like wildfire, but not always in places and forms I wanted it to be. But one place I'm glad to see it ended up is on Goodreads.

I discovered that four different people apparently added Dead Links as an entry on Goodreads. It's been given four stars, and one of them wrote some nice comments. I'm working to edit the Goodreads entry to bring it up to date, but I have to get librarian status. Anyway, if you're on Goodreads, check it out.

Why I Hate When the Cashier Leaves Out My Candy Bar

I hate it when I buy a candy bar at the grocery store and the cashier doesn't put it in the bag with the rest of my groceries, but puts it on the counter in front of me. It's like she's saying, "I know you're such a fat pig that you can't even wait to take this out of the bag. You aren't even going to wait to get to your car, but you're gonna tear into this thing before you even take two steps away from the freaking counter. You can't wait to stuff this into your gullet, so you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna leave it right here, so the second you pay, you can just tear it open and start cramming it into your gaping maw, like an animal, not a grown man with self control. You're welcome." No, give me the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I bought it for someone else. Maybe I bought it for dessert after my balanced meal. Maybe I have the discipline to wait until I get home or to my car. Maybe I'm not the glutton you clearly think I am. But mainly I hate when they take out the candy bar, because she's absolutely right.

[Image Source: stock.xchng]

"Happy Little Clouds": Bob Ross Auto-Tuned [Video]

I loved Bob Ross. A painter on PBS, he made painting look magical. With a flick of his brush, he would create clouds, trees, mountains, and streams. More than his skill at painting, Ross also made painting look fun with his constant refrain that you were the creator, and the way he would always described his creations as "happy, little" objects. He also managed to be somewhat of a philosopher when he would explain that there were no mistakes, only happy accidents. Ross was about an affirmation of the joys of life, not just painting. I never painted, but I could watch Bob Ross for hours. That's why I loved this remix of Bob Ross by PBS Digital called "Happy Little Clouds."

To The Lady Who Honked at Me When My Car Stalled in the Middle of an Intersection [Open Letter]

Dear Lady Who Honked at Me When My Car Stalled in the Middle of an Intersection,

What is your freaking problem?! I'm driving through the intersection after the light turns green, and my car stalls right in the middle of the street, okay? The light changes red, and I'm still stuck there trying to get my car to start, and you come up at full speed on my passenger side, glaring at me like you're on a dare, then stop and blast your horn. Did you not hear me starting and revving my engine, trying to get going again? Are you so stupid that you can't grasp the concept of a malfunctioning car? Or are you so self-centered that you think your attitude will magically make my car start again? Or do you seriously think I was just driving along and just decided to stop and sit there in an intersection for the fun of it? Like what I want is to get hit by on-coming cars? How can one human being be so unsympathetic to another person's problem? What would have happened if I'd been a pedestrian who'd been hit by a car and lay there bleeding to death in the street? Would you drive up to me, then blast your horn at me like, "Let's go! Don't just lie there! Get up! The light's green! I have things to do!" I hope your car blows all four tires in the middle of the freeway while you're going eighty like you always do, because you're an insensitive witch who thinks the world belongs to you, and your car tips over and crashes and you lie there in the smoking wreckage while all the other cars honk at you instead of calling 911.

Signed,
Nigel

Rihanna and Chris Brown Are NOT a Cute Couple! [Celebrity]

Okay, so the rumors have been pretty much confirmed that Rihanna and Chris Brown are at least hanging out again, if not an outright couple. I'm not surprised, given the flood of appearances and comments the two have about and for each other. But I am surprised by articles like this one at Hollywoodlife entitled "Chris Brown & Rihanna Dating Again - Going Public With Their Love." I was disgusted to read something like this:

And you two need to be mature about having a far better, more mature and safe relationship than you had before. You really should be in counseling together to ensure that you have a healthy and completely non-violent relationship from now on. You need to learn to not push each other’s hot buttons and to resolve your differences when you argue, in a mature way...We’ve heard at Hollywoodlife.com that you, Rihanna, have been in regular therapy. That’s terrific, and I’m sure very helpful, but we don’t know about Chris.

The comments in the article are similarly oblivious with comments like:

My thought is that she almost destroyed chris brown and his career and i think that he nees to take it slow with her. Now that he is back in business and doing good she want him back.

RIHANNA almost destroyed Chris Brown?! CHRIS BROWN almost destroyed Chris Brown by beating up Rihanna...unbelievable. But it gets worse with:

Rihanna and Chris Brown need to get back togther becuase they where good couple together because it semms like when they brake up something is not right they know that they love each other Rihanna still loves Chris Brown and Chris Brown still loves Rihanna so they need to go ahead and get back together and go ahead and get married!!!!!!!

What is wrong with you people?! Do you all have amnesia? Why is everyone talking about their relationship, including the author of this article, like they're just another cute celebrity couple who had a lover's tiff? Chris Brown and Rihanna broke up, because he beat and left her for dead on the side of the road. Just to jog your memory, here's a description from the police report:

Remember this?

A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. [Rihanna] with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contusion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle. Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, "I'm going to beat the *** out of you when we get home! You wait and see!" Robyn F. picked up her cellular telephone and called her personal assistant, Jennifer Rosales...After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!" Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand causing her to suffer a contusion on her left tricep that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand. Robyn then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street... Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed the cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand. Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on the left ear...Brown [began] punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned and a [sic] placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown's body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet causing several contusions. Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away.

Not exactly a lover's quarrel. And Rihanna has already admitted it wasn't an isolated incident.

Rihanna getting back together with Chris is not because they're in love, it's a classic case of an insecure and emotionally manipulated woman who returns to her abuser. As for Brown, he's the one who needs therapy. Serious therapy. And Rihanna needs to be publicly called out as setting a bad example to other women and young girls in abusive relationships who can now point to the two of them as "proof" that an abuser can change. I'm not going to blame the victim, but we as a society need to set the tone that what Rihanna is doing is unhealthy and dangerous.

Steve Carrell is the People's Choice...that's what she said [Video]

The Office has pushed the phrase "that's what she said" into the mainstream, and no one has embraced it more than Steve Carrell. Check out his acceptance speech for the People's Choice Awards. The best part is that everything he says is something I've heard someone say in a genuine acceptance speech.

He missed a few, though.

"This moment is so much bigger than me."

"Without my wife/husband, none of this would be possible."

[When the music starts playing] "Wait, can you give me just one more minute? I'm not done yet."

[Via YouTube]

Epic Rap Battle of Manliness

Two guys channel Chuck Norris in an epic rap battle for masculinity... 

[Via YouTube] 

Peewee's Big Adventure: The Movie Poster

I love Peewee's Big Adventure. And I love this movie poster, made to look like the poster for the movie within the movie, Peewee's Big Adventure.

[Via Casey Weldon via Reddit]

MemeWatch: Gangnam style [Meme]

Have you heard the phrase "gangnam style" and didn't know what it meant? Want to be ahead of the curve on what the young people are doing? Then let's learn together with MemeWatch. Today's lesson is on "gungnam style."

From Know Your Meme, here's an explanation:

Gangnam Style is a 2012 dance pop single written and performed by Korean pop singer Park Jae Sung, better known by his stage name PSY. Since the release of the song and its highly entertaining music video in mid-July 2012, the video has gained more than 8 million views in the span of two weeks and spawned numerous parodies and copycat dance videos on YouTube.

The mass appeal of the music video has been attributed to its signature dance move known as "the horse-riding dance," which combines the stylistic elements of shuffle dancing and hand movements resembling the posture of a horseback rider. “Gangnam Style” is a Korean neologism referring to the upscale fashion and lavish lifestyle associated with trendsetters in Seoul’s Gangnam district, which is considered the most affluent part of the metropolitan area. In colloquial usage, it is comparable to the English slang terms "swag" or "yolo."

Here's the video:

Personally, I think that dance is awesome.

[Via YouTube]

Jimmy Kimmel Proves iPhone Users Are Sheep [Video]

With the announcement of the "new" iPhone 5 with the usual incremental and inconsequential improvements that iPhone users are desperate to have, Jimmy Kimmel decided to have some fun. He went out on the street with an iPhone 4S (the only iPhone currently available) and claimed it was an iPhone 5. Let's see if people (specifically owners of the iPhone 4S) could tell the difference.


iPhone users, take control! Take control of your cell phones! Behold, the instrument of your liberation!

Jokebook: Cat's on the Roof

A woman’s on vacation and calls home to her husband. She asks, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."

"Okay, I’m sorry," says the husband, "I’ll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother’s up on the roof and we can’t get her down."

Fast Food Mafia [Pics]

What if the fast food industry was like the Mafia? What if it already is? Silentsketch created this mock-up of the fast food chains as Mafioso. See if you can match the character with the fast-food chain: McDonald's, Burger King, Jack-in-the-Box, Wendy's, KFC, Papa John, Little Ceasar's, Taco Bell, Panda Express, Sonic's, Quizno's, Subway, Dairy Queen.

http://silentsketcher.deviantart.com/art/Fast-Food-Mafia-final-131302790

Why Kristen Stewart Has Crashed, And Why She Deserves It [Entertainment]

The Hollywood Reporter posted an article defending Kristen Stewart and asking why she's being raked over the coals. Here's what everyone including the author of this article is missing. Kristen is getting worked over, not because of what she did, but because of who she is.

Yes, she cheated on her boyfriend with a married man. She's not the first and won't be the last. The reality is that Kristen became famous because of one thing - her relationship, both on and off screen, with Robert Pattinson. She could have kept the relationship on screen and pursured other guys, but she chose to take it into real-life, and in the process created a fairy-tale romance that her fans clung to. By betraying him and exposing herself as a cheater, she pretty much killed the only thing she had going. Let's face it - Kristen is not that good an actress, so it's not like she had her acting career to fall back on. She's pretty, but not abundantly so. In interviews and public appearances, Kristen has varied between indifference and surliness, so she doesn't have her sunny personality to win her fans over with. In the end, RPat was her career.And she blew it. Losing her teenage girl fanbase left no one to support her.

Oh, and I noticed the THR article was written by an "anonymous insider." I'm guessing that translates into "Kristen Stewart's publicist."

EDIT: Turns out her name is spelled "Kristen" not "Kirsten." Durrr...

HP Offers That Cloud Thing Everyone Is Talking About

And they totally know what it is.

One Page: The Pennyworth Bauble

This entry is inspired by Chip Zdarsky's One Page series, where he posts a single page from a work in progress. This one is from a Victorian romance novel I'm working on called The Pennyworth Bauble. The flavor of the period's language is the hardest part, but I think it's coming along well.

The True Meaning of Minimum Wage

Via IMGUR - but I made it

Darkwing Duck's Catchphrase is Lost in Translation

Call Center Comics: Spelling B