Movie Rules: Condemned to Death

Movie Rule #819: Condemned prisoners will do anything.

Whenever there’s something crazy, violent, illegal, and potentially lethal to be done in movies, condemned prisoners are the ones to do it. They can get death row inmates to agree to fight a suicide mission, participate in lethal combat on a desert island or in weaponized cars, let their brains be controlled, or anything else. I know death row prisoners are desperate, but are they really that eager a source of labor? And even if they were willing to do it, these movies always have to set in a near-future with a decaying government, because the current political climate would never let prisoners be exposed to that kind of thing.

Imagine a movie where a prisoner's on death row, and someone says, “Hey, good news. There’s a new program that can get you out. The only catch is that you’ll have to put on a clown suit, strap a bomb to your chest, and run through a maze while genetically-engineered dinosaurs chase you on live television.” And the prisoner goes, “No, thanks. I think I’ll just wait on my appeal. Or a petition from the governor.” I’d like to see that.

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Quote of the Week: Pro-Adoption Message

Gabe on the "pro-adoption" message that will be added to the DVD of the horror movie "Orphan":

At the end of the movie, the camera pulls back from Esther's foster parents' dead bodies, and written on the kitchen floor in their pooling blood it says "ADOPT TODAYYYYY!"

Quote of the Week: You Can't Handle the Truth

"[If] we've reached the point where truth--THE truth, the brutal, honest, painful truth--is to be avoided during these so-called interviews (more rightly understood for what they are--an interrogation)--if we've reached that point, and we have, then we're all pretty well screwed because we've all agreed we're going to pass ourselves off as Mr. Happy Team Player Who Lives Only To Serve The Great Corporate Gods and the ONLY result from that charade is misery of the worst kind.
- Randy on being honest during job interviews, posted on CVTips.com

Fun in a Call Center: By Any Other Name

You know one of the most annoying call openings I get? Here it is.

ME: Hi, my name is [Monkey Migraine]. Can I get the ID number, please?
MRS. JOHNSON: This is Mrs. Johnson in Fort Lauderdale. Where’s my Yoyodyne?

How am I supposed to know where your Yoyodyne is, you old bat? You think there’s just one Mrs. Johnson in our system? There’s thousands of them. Oh, you told me you’re in Fort Lauderdale. That narrows it down…to only a couple hundred! Or maybe I should know automatically, like say, “Oh, hi, Mrs. Johnson? How’s your son, Richard? Nice to hear from you again.” No, I need an ID number. Or a prescription number. Or at least your first name, you senile old coot!

That’s what I wish I could say.

Michael Jackson: Good Riddance

Michael Jackson died a few weeks ago. To me, it was an interesting footnote, but I didn’t really care. I was more upset about Farrah Fawcett dying. But I was amazed to see the outpouring of love towards him in the days that followed. Amazed, because it seems completely misplaced. I know people are respectful of the dead, but we can’t ignore the truth: Michael Jackson was a horrible person. He was an extremely talented musical genius, but he was also a horrible person.

First and foremost, he was a child molester. I know people like to say he was acquitted, and that proves he wasn’t a child molester. Actually, all that proves is that has good lawyers, and the prosecution botched the case (for more analysis on the trial, see my earlier post: Michael Jackson is a Child Molester). Enough information came out of the case to take away all doubt in my mind that Jackson is a child molester. I expect, over the next ten or twenty years, children who were molested by Jackson will start speaking out, and we’ll have the true picture. In the end, I think Jackson’s real legacy will be as the most successful child molester who ever lived.

Some people are even making the argument that Jackson is a greater entertainer than Elvis. That, to me, is a ridiculous and ultimately pointless argument. First of all, the definition of “greatest entertainer” is meaningless. Are you talking greatest in terms of artistic ability? Creativity? Marketability? Financial earnings? The two artists lived in completely different eras and had completely different skills. More than that, Elvis has been dead for decades and created a legacy post-mortem, securing his place in history. Jackson’s been dead two weeks. There’s no way we can judge his legacy right now. Especially if more molestations come to light.

Michael Jackson was also a certifiable nutcase. He was clearly a plastic surgery addict, and (in a related story) a liar who repeatedly lied about everything from his plastic surgery to his treatment in jail. He called himself Peter Pan, but he was really psychologically stunted, and probably a treasure trove of untreated mental illnesses. He was a spendthrift who was making millions a year, but still managed to spend millions more than he earned until he ran out, then lived on gifts and handouts (like free cars and even houses) like a bum, and committed bank fraud by using fake names to get more when his credit ran out. Speaking of white-collar crime, he was also a drug addict who took Oxycontin, Demerol, Zoloft, and a host of other drugs . He broke the law to take ten Xanax every night by convincing doctors to fill the prescriptions in their names. Hardly the kind of person we want our children looking up to.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, because the keywords “Michael,” “Jackson,” and “sucks” have gotten me a ton of hits since his death. Once the shock wears off, I hope the world will go back to hating and making fun of MJ the way he deserves. Listen to his music, but ignore the man who created it. He doesn’t deserve your love.