The Emperor's New Groove 34: The Death of Disney Sequels

There's been a big shake-up at Disney, all for the better in my opinion. One of the new mandates has been to cancel all direct-to-video sequels of Disney's popular movies. Says one of the new bigwigs at Disney, they "generally dislike direct-to-video sequels because the quality of the stories and production usually pales in comparison with the originals." Amen to that. I mean, does anyone really want five hundred sequels to The Emperor's New Groove with the level of animation found on Saturday morning TV? Here's a list of planned Disney sequels that were thankfully cancelled:

The Little Mermaid 5: Ariel On Ice - The Little Mermaid's ship ends up going off-course in a storm and ends up in Antarctica. Now she can't swim in the water or walk on land; she has to ice-skate everywhere. This was an attempt to create a movie that leads directly into a Disney On Ice production.

Toy Story 4: Product Placement - An interactive DVD that features a parade of the latest and greatest toys. If the viewer wants one of the toys, they can just hit the "enter" button and purchase it automatically from Amazon.com. There was a minimal plot planned where Buzz and Woody end up locked in a toy store overnight, but the real purpose was to create a new engine to drive toy sales.

Cinderella 4: Regime Change - Due to protests from his people and human-rights groups, Prince Charming declares his kingdom a democracy and calls for open elections. Things get worse when Cinderella's evil stepmother is elected President and Cinderella is stripped of her royalty, forced to become her stepmother's servant once again. Though devastated at first, Cinderella learns from her friendly animals and her fairy godmother that true happiness comes not from beautiful dresses, pretty shoes, material wealth, or fame, but from within. This was intended to end the so-called Disney Princesses' licensing campaign, which research showed was making little girls materialistic and egotistical. That one might not have been so bad.

Breaking News From The New Yuk Times

This just in from from the New Yuk Times: Angelina Jolie Adopts Thailand

Movie Rules: Monkey Business

Movie Rule 9,145: All primates walk on their hind legs, show big, toothy smiles frequently, and give the thumbs-up sign.

Anyone who knows anything about primates knows that all three of those behaviors are completely unnatural to primates. No primate, including the chimpanzee, walks on its hind legs in the wild. Primates prefer to walk on their hind legs with support from the knuckles of their hands. This was particularly obvious in Every Which Way But Loose, where they had an orangutan with incredibly long arms that had to walk with its arms straight up in the air or hold onto a human to maintain its balance. As far as their smiles, showing teeth is a sign of aggression among primates, so they would never smile on their own. And if I have to explain why the thumbs-up signal isn't natural to the primate, then you need to get out more. But unless the movie is a serious portrayal of primates like Gorillas in the Mist, you'll see primates running around on their hind legs, smiling, and giving the thumbs-up, even when they're fresh out of the jungle.

Examples: Every Which Way But Loose, Planet of the Apes, Monkey Trouble

Catfight: Annika Sorenstam vs Michelle Wie

Michelle Wie pulled out of a tournament in North Carolina a few weeks ago, complaining of an injured wrist. Famed LPGA player Annika Sorenstam pointed out what, I think, are some fairly suspicious aspects to Wie's "injury." First of all, she was playing so badly that if she had gotten just two more bogeys, she would have been barred from the tour for the rest of the year. Plus, Wie was seen practicing on a golf course just two days later. I personally applaud Sorenstam for saying what we're all thinking - that she faked the injury to keep from being humiliated. Wie may be pretty, but she needs to be a better golfer to be respected, especially if she plans on playing against the men's tour like she tries (and fails at) every year. Apparently, even she knows it because Wie's already said she won't be playing the PGA this year...for the same injury. Right. Now I know it's sexist to call this a catfight, just because it's too women arguing, which is why I'm doing it. Mrreeow, get out the saucers of milk!

Pants On Fire: The Missing Pants Lawsuit

I've always been a defender of the so-called "frivolous lawsuits" trumpeted in the media as another example of the law system gone wild. Usually, these lawsuits are more complex than they seem. The crown jewel, the so-called McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit, was in fact a case of a woman getting severe burns requiring surgery. That said, the recent case of a man suing a dry cleaners for $54 million for losing his pants is exactly what it seems, if not worse. The worst part, to me, is that the plaintiff is a judge. He should know better. This gives all lawyers a bad name, as if they had a good name to begin with.

Related:
Jokebook: Truck vs. Lawyer
Too Hot For Court

Movie Rules: Men and Diapers

Movie Rule #19294 - Men are physically incapable of changing diapers.

You ever notice in movies how men are never able to change diapers? If there's a man who has to take care of a baby and there isn't a woman around, there's the inevitable diaper-changing scene. The man/men struggle to figure out how to take off the diaper. Then the moment the diaper is opened, the man/men react as if they've just opened a vat of nerve gas. They gag, they flee, they put on masks, they use kitchen tongs to peel away the diaper, hose the baby down with a garden hose. And then they practically strangle the kid trying to figure out how to put the new diaper on. When was the last time you saw a man confidently change a baby? Replace the men with women and you'll see how silly that is. No, in the movies, women are born knowing how to change a diaper and are immune to any odors or distaste. In fact, you rarely even see a woman changing a diaper in a movie at all - it's just assumed that they can. When was the last time you saw a woman struggling to put on a diaper? I'd like to see that.

Examples: Mr. Mom, The Pacifier, Three Men and a Baby

Related:
Movie Rules: Masters of Disguise
Movie Rules: Super Dogs

Total Collapse: Zimbabwe

On a more serious note, I've been following the situation in the African country of Zimbabwe for many years, mainly because very few other Americans seem to be. And a recent article has, I think, driven home the point. Basically, it predicts that the country will collapse by the end of the year. Inflation is doubling every month, there is almost no food production, the utilities are barely functioning, and the police earn less than the aid workers that are trying to help them. Zimbabwe's money has become so devalued that people are paid in food rather than cash. We're looking at a country that will have no functioning government or economic system in six months. And no one is doing anything about it.

How To Keep Me From Reading Your Blog: Lesson 6

If you don't see what's wrong with this or this is what your blog looks like, then you are the problem.

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Related:
Lesson 5
Lesson 4
Lesson 3
Lesson 2
Lesson 1