Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Nobody Beats the Whiz

NFL player Ontarrio Smith was detained in the airport when they found a vial of white powder in his luggage. I know what you're thinking...another athelete on drugs, what's the big deal? Well, it wasn't drugs. It was dried urine.

It turned out that Ontarrio was carrying a kit called the Original Whizzinator. It's designed to let you pass drug tests. You mix the dried urine with water, and give that to the tester. But what, you ask, about the guy who watches you whiz? That's where the flesh-colored prosthetic penis comes in. You stick that out of your shorts and pour the fake urine through it. But wouldn't it be cold? No, it also comes with a heating pack to warm it up. Somebody put some serious thought into this thing.

What struck me first was, where do they get the dried urine? Is there a urine factory out there somewhere? A big factory where guys come in, drink about ten gallons of water, and stand in front of a urinal all day? I can just see having that job...called in to the boss' office: "I'm very concerned about your work lately. You know the daily quota is five gallons of urine a day, and you've only produced two. I don't think you're working hard enough. Why, everytime I walk by your desk, I see you doing paperwork. I can't remember the last time I saw you wandering by the coffee machine or chatting around the water-cooler. Next time I catch you not standing around the water-cooler, you're fired!"

Here's the capper - the Whizinator is $150, urine is $10 extra. I don't know what drugs cost, but wouldn't it be cheaper to just not use drugs? How many junkies can afford this thing? If you're gonna invest in that kind of money to avoid a drugtest, you might consider rehab. Buying that is like saying, "I'm doing drugs now and will continue in the near future, so I'd better be ready." That's like paying a year's rent in advance for a room in a crackhouse. You'd better overdose in ten years, otherwise you won't be getting your money's worth.


Mauricem said...

Your post is ten times better than mine was man. One small sidenote, the urine is actually syntheic. How? I have no idea. The idea of a urine factory is priceless though. That's a lot of pressure on a guy!

glomgold said...

I thought I'd read somewhere not too long ago about an athlete who got busted trying to use that Whizzinator during a team drug screening. I can't remember who it was though...