Top Ten Star Wars Moments

I normally hate Top Ten lists because they're so subjective. But when I stumbled across an article at MSN on the top ten moments in the Star Wars series, I had to read it. It's pretty even-handed, taking not only the original series' moments, but some from the new movies. Even I had to admit that the Darth Maul fight and the Jango Fett battle were awesome.

But just as I was about to link to it here, I found another list. And another. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. So here they are: MSN, Evening Times, Virgin, Colorado Springs Gazette, and most important, the fans' opinions at Comingsoon.net.

And for balance, the worst moments in Star Wars.

Nobody Beats the Whiz

NFL player Ontarrio Smith was detained in the airport when they found a vial of white powder in his luggage. I know what you're thinking...another athelete on drugs, what's the big deal? Well, it wasn't drugs. It was dried urine.

It turned out that Ontarrio was carrying a kit called the Original Whizzinator. It's designed to let you pass drug tests. You mix the dried urine with water, and give that to the tester. But what, you ask, about the guy who watches you whiz? That's where the flesh-colored prosthetic penis comes in. You stick that out of your shorts and pour the fake urine through it. But wouldn't it be cold? No, it also comes with a heating pack to warm it up. Somebody put some serious thought into this thing.

What struck me first was, where do they get the dried urine? Is there a urine factory out there somewhere? A big factory where guys come in, drink about ten gallons of water, and stand in front of a urinal all day? I can just see having that job...called in to the boss' office: "I'm very concerned about your work lately. You know the daily quota is five gallons of urine a day, and you've only produced two. I don't think you're working hard enough. Why, everytime I walk by your desk, I see you doing paperwork. I can't remember the last time I saw you wandering by the coffee machine or chatting around the water-cooler. Next time I catch you not standing around the water-cooler, you're fired!"

Here's the capper - the Whizinator is $150, urine is $10 extra. I don't know what drugs cost, but wouldn't it be cheaper to just not use drugs? How many junkies can afford this thing? If you're gonna invest in that kind of money to avoid a drugtest, you might consider rehab. Buying that is like saying, "I'm doing drugs now and will continue in the near future, so I'd better be ready." That's like paying a year's rent in advance for a room in a crackhouse. You'd better overdose in ten years, otherwise you won't be getting your money's worth.

Giving Wendy The Finger

Well, they finally found the source of the infamous finger that lady "found" in a bowl of Wendy's chili. As amazing as it is to say, the story of a severed finger in a bowl of fast-food chili just keeps getting weirder. This has got to be the dumbest scam ever. Hasn't this lady ever heard of putting dead mice in food? A lot harder to trace.

News Nuggets for 5/11/05

In an ABC special, a former contestant of American Idol accused judge Paula Abdul of coaching him and then having sex with him. Even more disturbing, he accused Simon Cowell of doing the same thing with Clay Aiken.

A long search for a missing bride revealed that she had faked her own kidnapping and fled to Las Vegas to escape the wedding. That's funny, I didn't even know Michael Jackson was engaged.

The prosecution rested its case in the trial against Michael Jackson. The prosecution team has impressed many during this trial by achieving what seemed to be impossible - making Michael Jackson look innocent.

Falling Idols

I've never liked American Idol. I think Jim Rome said it best when he called it American Karaoke. So when I heard a scandal threatened to bring it down, I was so there. I saw the ABC special "Fallen Idol" and expected it to be a "he-said, she-said" type of thing. No way. They had phone records, phone messages, and witnesses that all proved Paula Abdul had a relationship with a contestant during the show. Did she sleep with him like Clark claimed? Who knows, but he had some pretty detailed things to say on Howard Stern. I believe him and I'm stunned that Paula would do something so stupid. Then again, the whole show is a crock, anyway. But it did put Paula Abdul in a new light. She seemed like a washed-up pop singer before, but now she's hot. Who knew she was secretly a smoldering cauldron of lust. Wish I could get her to judge my singing contest, if you know what I mean. Uh...yeah.

Flashback Friday: Kidd Video

It's rare to find a television show that doesn't translate outside of its time period. Even The Brady Bunch, with its groovy shirts and bell-bottoms, holds up. But this Friday, let's journey back to a cartoon show that could never exist in any other time...Kidd Video. It was basically an animated version of MTV, about a group of kids who get sucked through a mirror into a cartoon world called the Flipside. Everything about this show screamed "the eighties," from the synthesizer-laden music to the fairy who looked like Tinkerbell with leg warmers. It bent over backwards to be weird. How about a car that had a mouth that opened so you could walk down its tongue and leave? Or a fairy who had to sneeze to get stronger? And of course, music videos. I haven't seen this show in years, but just my memories of it feel dated, so I can't imagine the actual program would be any better. The sad part is, once upon a time, multi-colored suspenders were cool.

The best website for Kidd Video is Kidd Video's Flipside. You can even download episodes if you have broadband. I don't, so...if you happen to have DSL and a CD burner, hook a brother up.

News Nuggets

"People" magazine released its annual "50 Most Beautiful People" issue this week. Once again, by an astonishing coincedence, all fifty of them are rich and famous. Last year's most beautiful person, Jude Law, is not this year's most beautiful person, which means over the course of a year he has become hideously ugly.

George Lucas announced at a convention that he plans to create two Star Wars-themed television shows. Just what this world needs, another reason for geeks to stay indoors.

Toads have been mysteriously exploding in Germany in a case that's baffled scientists. One theory - the toads are being kissed by Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Yes, Prince Charles did marry his long-time mistress Camilla Parker-Bowles several weeks ago. The marriage caused massive earthquakes all over England from the Royal Family rolling in their collective graves. On the plus side, the prospect of Camilla becoming queen has driven British scientists on a quest to make the Queen Mother immortal.

Cars went out of control at a NASCAR race, causing a huge twenty-one car pileup that almost managed to make the race interesting. Officials claimed to be upset at the crash, but off-the-record were quoted as saying, "Them hicks sure do love the crashes."

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig called for a stronger drug-testing policy for the sport. The first and boldest step? Testing for drugs.

Scientists are Stupid

When you're a kid and you sit through science class, you're basically taught that we know everything. Dinosaurs, the color blue, VCRs, yeah, we got it all. Except scientists don't know everything. Did you know there are fierce arguments about why planes fly or how aspirin works or how crude oil is created? So for all those kids sitting through science class right now getting brainwashed, here are the top 13 things scientists don't understand by the New Scientist magazine. And believe me, they aren't the only ones. Stay in school, then get a real job. Or become a science teacher.

Flashback Sunday: Dr. Shrinker

Once upon a time in the 70's, Sid and Marty Krofft owned children's television. Seriously. They made children's television their bee-yatch. And they cranked out a lot of shows, most of them horrible. I spent some time going through them, but I could do Flashbacks on all of them, except Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl, which I missed somehow. What a shame, since they were hot. I decided on Dr. Shrinker, because it seems to be the most obscure.

Literally all I remembered for this show was the theme song, and not even the whole theme song. Just the part where it goes "Dr. Shrinker! Dr. Shrinker!" And some kids running. Turns out it was about these kids who stumble across an island with a mad scientist named Dr. Shrinker.

And with a name like that, he'd better invent a shrinking machine. I mean, imagine Dr. Shrinker going to a science conference and introducing himself as "Dr. Shrinker." "Oh, so you shrink things?" "Well, no, I'm actually a marine biologist. And I'm working on a cure for cancer." "So you shrink tumors?" "No, I'm trying to break them down with ultrasound." "Oh. You should try to shrink things." And imagine the jokes at school. "Hey, there's Weenie. Hey, Weenie Shrinker!" Apparently, the curse of living with the name Dr. Shrinker drove him to madness, but also gave him the burning desire to shrink things. And so he created a shrinking machine.

Bad timing for the kids...the doctor decides to shrink them. Why? I don't know. I guess he was using them as prototypes for his new line of miniature children. "Got problems with your kids? Cost too much to feed and clothe? Use Dr. Shrinker's new Kid Shrinker."

Of course, the kids escape and spend the rest of the series trying to a) get back to normal, b) keep from being captured by Dr. Shrinker, and c) get off the island. To me, all these goals are mutually exclusive. Avoiding being captured just means spending the rest of their lives six inches tall on an island. Getting off the island means spending the rest of their lives six inches tall. Getting back to normal is good, but then the doctor captures and shrinks them again. Probably too many goals for one series.

I actually liked this show, because I wanted to be small. All the giant stuff was cool. Turns out this was a rip-off of Land of the Giants, which I also never saw. Sounds like a better show, too. With all the television I watched in my life, I'm amazed there are still shows I missed.

Links
*The best webpage on Dr. Shrinker, but it's still not much.
*The theme song from a cool website...check out the Disturbing Children Book section, it's hilarious.
Categories: entertainment