Quote of the Week: Beaver Control

"I'm very disappointed it wasn't done carefully. Anybody who works in beaver control should know better."
- Government official upset after a beaver dam's removal flooded a nearby golf course.

Movie Rules: Going Nuclear

Movie Rule #245: Nuclear bombs fix everything

Examples: The Core, Armageddon

You ever notice how, in movies, nuclear bombs are the solution to every disaster? There’s an asteroid heading towards Earth? Throw a nuclear bomb on it. The Earth’s core stopped spinning? Stick a nuclear bomb in it. Aliens invading Earth? Fire a nuclear bomb at them. Somehow, a well-placed nuclear bomb will cure whatever ails you.

If only that were the case in real life. If life were a movie, we could solve all our problems. Hole in the ozone layer? A nuclear bomb throws up enough dirt to plug the hole. Rainforest disappearing? A nuclear bomb spreads seeds and puts nutrients back into the soil so the trees grow back. Species going extinct? A nuclear bomb will cause more of them to spontaneously appear.

Imagine if the movies were like our world. A scientist tells government officials, “Gentlemen, a meteor is headed towards Earth that will destroy us all. We must act quickly. Set up an international conference to discuss the situation. Once the presentation has been made, we'll need to pass a resolution to create an international task force to come up with possible solutions. Then the United Nations will need to approve an international treaty to provide funding and manpower to implement the solution. Of course, the United States won’t agree to it, but maybe we can get them to agree to a similar resolution. Our hope is that we'll be able to put a project into place to stop the meteor in roughly ten years. What? No, actually, the meteor is scheduled to hit tomorrow. We're all doomed.” I’d like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Newswire: Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Scientists Create Flame-Retarded Material

Fatman: The Blob's Superpowers

I recently showed the trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine to my wife, and was explaining the different characters that seemed to be shown in it. Most obvious to me (besides Gambit and Sabretooth) was the big fat guy, that I assume is the Blob. I described him as being the opposite of Juggernaut; once he sets himself down, he can't be moved. He's also super-strong and his fat makes him really soft so it absorbs bullets and punches, so you can't hurt him. My wife pointed out that he has a bunch of powers, which is odd when you think about it. It finally occurred to me that the Blob really only has one power; he's super-fat. All his powers are super humanly enhanced stereotypes of fat people; being really heavy so you can't move him, being really soft and rubbery, even having his own gravitational pull. Kind of offensive when you think about it.

UPDATE: I had a tasteless joke at the end, but I've deleted it.

Bonadouchebag: Danny Bonaduce Lies About His Father

A story Danny Bonaduce told frequently on the air is that his father died on his birthday. The day he died, Danny said he was doing his radio show and was told off-air and said, "Huh, he finally got me something for my birthday," then went back to work. I thought the story told a lot about his relationship with his father, and also his own personality. So imagine my shock when I discovered the story was completely bogus. Danny's birthday is August 13. His father died on August 3, 2004. It amazes me that Bonaduce would make up a story about his father's death. What kind of scumbag would do that? Danny Bonaduce, that's who. That, plus Adam Carolla's candid assertion that Danny often made up stories that he told on the air, makes me question everything about the guy.

UPDATE: Originally this post had the dates mixed up (i.e. Danny's birthday August 3, Joseph Bonaduce died August 13). Some people called me out on that. I fixed the dates. The story still applies.

Fun in a Call Center: Happy Birthday

I had a call from an old woman who had a really hard time understanding me. I mean, when I asked for her name, she gave me her address. I ended the call this way:

ME: Anything else I can help you with?
MRS. MAGOO: No.
ME: Thanks for calling. You have a nice day.
[Mrs. Magoo forgets to hang up and I can still hear her]
MRS. MAGOO:He said "Happy birthday."
MR. MAGOO: He said "happy birthday?"
MRS. MAGOO: Yes, my birthday is last week and he said "happy birthday."

I didn't say "happy birthday," I said "have a nice day!"

Nuking the Fridge: The new "Jump the Shark"

**SPOILER ALERT** I thought the scene in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull where he escapes the nuclear blast was incredible. I mean, at that moment when I realized he was in a nuclear test site and there was no way out, I thought he was dead meat. And then he escaped in a fridge. I thought "wow." But it turns out that scene was so controversial that it coined a new term: “nuking the fridge, a scene in a movie so outrageous that it kills the rest of the movie or the rest of the film series. I didn’t think it was that bad, but thinking back…it was. I found myself asking, “Well, is it possible to survive a nuclear explosion in a fridge?" The answer is obviously no, but I thought this scientific explanation was good. Makes only slightly more sense than hiding under a school desk.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, you also can't use a snake as a rope to pull yourself out of a sand pit.

And speaking of George Lucas, here's more evidence that he is an idiot when it comes to good writing. It was his idea to put Indiana Jones up against aliens, which Spielberg and Harrison Ford correctly thought was ridiculous. I found the idea of aliens less believable than Indiana finding the Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Worst Movie Career Ever: Aaron Eckhart's Bad Judgment

Aaron Eckhart is a good-looking guy, he's got strong screen presence, he's a good actor, but he's nowhere near where he should be. That's because, in my opinion, he has the worst judgment on choosing movie roles of anyone in Hollywood.

His first breakout role was as Chad in In the Company of Men, a movie role so reviled by women that he gets nothing but grief for it. In an interview on Fresh Air, when Terri asked him about it, Eckhart actually said a variation of "I was young, I needed the money" as his explanation for doing the movie. But he finally achieved mainstream success with his performance as Two-Face in The Dark Knight. And what does he follow it up with? Towelhead, where he plays an Army reservist turned child molester. The movie tanked and got horrible reviews.

Jokebook: Route 66

A cop's on the highway when he sees a car that's going 22 miles an hour. So he turns on his lights and pulls it over. Inside the car are four old ladies, all looking pale and trembling.

The driver manages to look up at the cop and says, "What's wrong, officer? I was doing the speed limit. I swear."

The cop says, "Actually, you were going under the speed limit. Going too slow on the highway is almost as dangerous as going too fast."

The old lady says, "But, officer, I was going twenty-two, just like the sign says."

The cop looks at the sign she's pointing at and says, "Ma'am, that sign is the route number, not the speed limit."

The old lady blushes and says, "Oh, well, that explains a few things."

"Yes. Now are you all right? You all look like you've seen a ghost."

The lady says, "Oh, we'll be fine in a minute. We just got off Route 119."

Quote of the Week: Ninja Products

"I, too, am looking for more ninja based products. More specifically I was wondering if there was a ninja based operating system of some kind."
- Seraph on the topic of a ninja-based MMORG

Flashback Friday: The New Adventures of Beans Baxter

Let's be clear: Spy Kids was a great movie. The idea of little kids becoming super-cool super-spies tapped into the wish-fulfillment of every kid who saw James Bond, and even those who didn't. But in all the accolades that Spy Kids received, it's forgotten that there was a show that plumbed the underage secret agent fantasy long before it. I had almost forgotten this show, too, so much so that I couldn't even remember the name of it. I had to go to a list of every TV show that aired in the eighties and literally go through every title, one by one, until I found it: The New Adventures of Beans Baxter.

The premise of the show is similar to Spy Kids, where a kid's parent disappears and the kid discovers his parent was really a secret agent. In this case, Beans Baxter's father disappears, and Beans discovers that his father isn't a mailman as he claimed, but really a secret agent. Beans becomes an agent in order to locate his missing father. I remember watching this show faithfully, but don't remember much about it.

TRIVIA
* Beans' real name was Benjamin Baxter, Jr.
* The creator and director of Beans Baxter was "Savage" Steve Holland, who also created the awesome animated series, Eek the Cat.
* Beans was one of the early shows aired by the newly-created Fox Network.
* The Network (the secret agency that Beans' works for) was intended to be the descendant of UNCLE, the secret agency from the TV show "The Man From UNCLE."
* Beans' nemesis was the evil Mister Sue, played by Kurtwood Smith. Smith later went on to fame playing "Red" Forman on That 70's Show.
* Mister Sue worked for U.G.L.I. (Underground Government Liberation Intergroup), the prototypical evil organization

LINKS
Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_New_Adventures_of_Beans_Baxter
TV.com summary http://www.tv.com/show/5497/summary.html

Related Posts:
Flashback Friday: BAT
Flashback Friday: Caveman Ugh-lympics
Flashback Friday: Life and Death

Fun in a Call Center: That's My Bush

After advising the patient that there was an error on her prescription...

ME: Sorry about that.
HILLARY: Oh, that's okay. It's not your fault. I don't know whose fault it is. Let's say it's Bush's fault. That's it. It's Bush's fault. D**n Bush!

11 Things Women Shouldn't Find Sexy But Do

There's a list of things guys shouldn't find sexy but do. But where's the list of things women shouldn't find sexy but do? Here's a start...

• criminals
• guys who ignore them
• sports cars
• musicians
• guys with long hair
• the Hulk
• doctors
• billionaires
• sweat
• Sean Connery
• construction workers

New Yuk Times: The Yes Men's Fake New York Times

Almost everybody knows the Onion, a satirical news website that features parodies of news. But the Yes Men have taken satirical news to a whole new level. In order to promote the ideals of liberal reform, they created a fictional version of the New York Times set on July 4th, 2009. Not only did they create an entire website that reads like a Democrat's fantasy utopia, but they also printed and distributed thousands of printed copies of the fictional Times. Very clever.

Speaking of spoofing the New Yuk Times, check out the New Yuk Times.

Jokebook: Moth Man

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

The doctor says, "Well, I'm a doctor. It sounds like you need to see a psychiatrist."

The guy says, "Well, I was on my way to a psychiatrist, but I saw your light was on."

Flashback Friday: Six Million Dollar Man Action Figure

I loved the Six Million Dollar Man. I couldn't count how many times I ran around my house in slow motion, going "na-na-na-na-na." I remember the day I went to class and there was a kid with the Six Million Dollar Man action figure. That kid was the proverbial Man that day. The one thing I remember most is how the figure had a hole in the back of the head that you could look through, and see through Steve Austin’s eye. Other kids were lined up, and I remember waiting my turn and looking through the hole and seeing the little crosshairs. That feature alone made me think this figure was one of the coolest toys ever. In researching this flashback, I discovered that the action figure was even more awesome than I realized. The Six Million Dollar Man action figure was packed with features. I want one even more.

Trivia

• Arms and legs could be removed and replaced with new ones called "Critical Mission" limbs. The limbs had special features like karate chop action or blinking “laser” light. Steve Austin never replaced his limbs in the TV show, but he did in the original novel the series was based on.
• One version of the action figure came with a “bionic grip” in its right hand. The right arm could raise objects weighing up to two pounds.
• One version came with a fake steel girder for him to pick up, another had a plastic engine block…just in case he needed to fix his car.
• An elastic flesh-colored cloth covered the arms, so you could roll back the "skin" and expose his bionic components. In the original figure, the bionic parts could be removed, but complaints from parents' groups about choking concerns made later versions non-removable. Parents…they ruin everything.
• The action figure also had a Bionic Transport and Repair Station. Essentially combination vehicle and playset, on the outside it was a rocket ship for him to pretend to fly around in. Open it up and you get a bed to lie the figure down in and attach wires so you can "test and repair" his bionic parts. How cool is that?
• If that’s not enough for you, the cool kids could get a Mission Control Center, an inflatable dome that included a repair station, as well as a communications desk with interchangeable pictures of Steve, Oscar, and other characters, and an emergency escape hatch for him to bust out of.
• The Six Million Dollar Man action figure was the Tickle-Me Elmo of the seventies – demanded by every child, and hard to find.
• The action figure’s fragile nature (the arms and legs came off, the bionic components get lost, the fabric covering the arms tore) makes complete and intact figures hard to find.
  

Links:
Hands down, the best link on the Net about this figure is Plaid Stallions, which features photos and scans of the boxes for all the Six Million Dollar Man toys. Feeling Retro has a forum where people post their memories of the figure. There’s also an ebay guide for the completist which describes the different versions in frightening detail…so you know it’s authentic. You can watch the original 70’s commercial for the Bionic Grip action figure on YouTube.

Related Posts:
Flashback Friday: BAT
Flashback Friday: Caveman Ugh-lympics
Flashback Friday: Life and Death

Ancient Japanese Secret: Fix the problem's origins

"Fix the problem, not the blame." I read this "Japanese proverb" in Michael Crichton's Rising Sun as an example of how much more advanced Japanese philosophies are over Americans. The idea is that, when a problem comes up, the Americans spend time arguing over who's at fault while the Japanese just focus on the solution. I recently decided to post it here as a quote and did a search to find out who originally stated the proverb.

I found one forum discussing the proverb with someone pointing out the fact that this expression only makes sense in English. The saying hinges on the dual meaning of the word "fix," which wouldn't translate in Japanese. Therefore, this is most likely an English expression that someone attributed to the Japanese, maybe because it sounded more ancient and wise that way. It doesn't speak well of Crichton's research that he would make such a bone-headed mistake. Then again, Crichton also wrote State of Fear, which has been widely criticized as being poorly researched, so it's not that much of a surprise. Still a good proverb, though.

UPDATE: In my original post, I called Crichton's novels Red Sun and State of Emergency. Both incorrect. Guess I should have done more research.

Flashback Friday: B.A.T.

When I think back to some really cool games I've played, I often go back to "B.A.T." That's short for "Bureau of Astral Troubleshooters." It was an adventure game with a huge scope of things to see and do, set in a gritty, futuristic world. What I remember most is the movie-like opening with a great theme song and the title spinning into place, something that's commonplace for today but very ambitious for a time that often just featured a static opening screen.

I didn't even remember the plot, so I had to look it up. You played a member of an agency called the Bureau of Astral Troubleshooters on his first assignment for the Confederation of the Galaxies. A master criminal scientist named Vrangor has escaped from prison, along with a small-time crook name Merigo. The two of them have hatched a scheme to blackmail the galaxy. Vrangor has hidden nucturobiogenic bombs in Terrapolis, the largest city on the planet Selenia. Vrangor has given the government ten days to transfer ownership of the city to him or evacuate the city. The player's mission is to find Vrangor and stop the bombs from exploding before the ten days is up.

Trivia
* The game is set in the 22nd century.
* The game was originally released in 1990 in France, where it won "Game of the Year." The game was translated into English.
* The game boasted over 1100 different locations and characters from seven different species.
* The virtual city of Terrapolis had a wide range of services, such as a disco, restaurants, and a strip club. There was even an arcade with a playable mini-game called Bizzy.
* The player was required to eat and drink. Going hungry or thirsty for too long would cause death.
* The game was pure cyberpunk, heavily influenced by Blade Runner.
* The game featured a 3D flight simulator called DRAG to travel from place to place.
* The coolest feature in the game was a programmable computer embedded inside the player's wrist called B.O.B. The screen for B.O.B. actually showed the control panel in the arm with the surrounding flesh visible (Wish I could've found a screenshot for that). The computer could be programmed with a language similar to BASIC to do things like monitor the player's health or translate alien languages.

Fun in a Call Center: Mechanically Inclined

ME: Are you calling for yourself or someone else?
MRS BITTER: My husband.
ME: Does he have an email address he'd like us to keep on file?
MRS BITTER: No. He can't even operate a telephone.

Something tells me that marriage is a wee bit strained.

Quote of the Week: Doobie Physics

Chris Taylor: Here's the problem -- although your theory no doubt sounds quite wonderful to you in words when you spark up a doob and run it through your mind, if you actually had bothered to get enough of an education to translate it into actual math that could be used to make predictions about the physical world which could be experimentally verified you would quickly find that it doesn't.
-S.O.G. on the arguments for or against time travel causality

[The idea for this feature was blatantly stolen from Maurice's Blog]

The Joker's on You: Nicholson Mad About New Batman Movie

I think almost everyone would agree that Heath Ledger did an incredible job as the Joker in the new Batman Movie, The Dark Knight. But there's at least one person unhappy - Jack Nicholson. Nicholson is mad because he wasn't asked to come back to play the Joker in The Dark Knight. I have sympathy for him because that was an iconic performance, which is now essentially replaced by Heath Ledger's. Then again, I didn't hear him standing up for Adam West when West was complaining about not being asked to play Batman in the 1988 movie. Nor did I see him saying they should get Cesar Romero to play the Joker in the 1988 version. And why's that? It's called moving on, Jack. The rest of us did it, you should try it sometime.

Quote of the Week: What's Happening!!

A look at urban black life that manages to capture the offensiveness of Amos and Andy while avoiding that program's fun.
- TV Guide's Review of What's Happening

[The idea for this feature was blatantly stolen from Maurice's Blog]

Flashback Friday: Caveman Ugh-Lympics

In honor of the 2008 Beijing Olympics, let's talk about a glorious old game, Caveman Ugh-lympics. The title is pretty much self-explanatory - it's the Olympics set in the caveman era, Summer Olympics meets the Flintstones. That being said, it was very clever. Like instead of just running, you have to run from a saber-toothed tiger. And instead of just doing a pole vault, you have to vault over the head of a carnivorous dinosaur that eats the losers.

One thing I find amazing about this game is that the humor still holds up. The term politically incorrect didn't exist back then, but if it had, features of this game like the mate-toss would be called politically incorrect.

Trivia
* The game was released in 1989 by Electronic Arts.
* The movie parodies the popular Olympics-themed games by EPYX of the time.
* The game has six events - the matetoss, the dino vault, the dino race, the saber race, firemaking, and clubbing.
* Some of the events allow you to cheat. Like with firemaking, you can hit your opponent to slow him down.

Links
*You can download the game and see screenshots at abandonia.com.
*Wikipedia has an extremely brief article with I intend to correct.
* You can also read about and download the game at houseofgames.net

Whatever Knows Fear: The Problem With Man-Thing

I first encountered Man-Thing in the Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe. The image of Man-Thing lurching towards me on the page will forever be my image of Man-Thing. I loved him before I ever saw his comic, and was massively disappointed when I read the actual stories.

I think that he's a better character functionally than Swamp Thing. He's also scarier - the tentacles on his face and the large round black eyes would scare the crap out of me coming at me in the night. And the fact that he's drawn to anyone who fears him (which includes pretty much everybody) makes him more terrifying because it creates a cycle - you encounter Man-Thing, you fear him, he chases after you relentlessly until he burns you alive. That, in turn, makes you fear him. But his lack of a mind does make him a poor story engine.

Then again, what's Jason Voorhees or Michael's motivation besides killing anyone they encounter? I think the real problem with Man-Thing is that they try to make him the hero. He's not. His profile and even his motto ("whatever knows fear burns at the touch of the Man-Thing") imply a figure of terror. If I had the series, I would make him the villain, sort of a monthly horror movie. People encounter him, run from him, are destroyed by him. People try to destroy him, but can't. The local town draws Man-Thing to them and he traps them all inside. Maybe even introduce a regular Man-Thing hunter trying to stop him. Oh, to own the rights to that character.

Leapfraud: Amazing Ballgirl Catch

There's an amazing video of a ball girl who makes a pro baseball player look stupid by catching a runaway ball.