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This just in at the New Yuk Times: Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

I bought some hot fudge sundae Pop-Tarts. They taste good, but they
don't taste anything like a hot fudge sundae. There's no ice cream flavor at
all. It's really chocolate Pop-Tarts with sprinkles and white frosting as
the filling. They should have called it chocolate cake flavor. It doesn't
taste like that either, but it tastes more like chocolate cake than hot fudge
sundae. I should work for Pop-Tarts.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 20th Anniversary Edition

Way back in the 80's, I played a game called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was a text-based adventure game that included really cool stuff like a pair of Joo Janta Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses (also known as a cardboard pair of black glasses), a Don't Panic button, and a microscopic battle fleet (also known as an empty bag). I never finished it, and that's always annoyed me. Now I have a second chance with the 20th Anniversary Edition. Not only is it online and illustrated, it's also free. I'll get that Babel fish yet.

Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Movie rule #28810 - Shooting a lock will automatically open or close a lock, depending on what's required.

You ever notice how in action movies, whenever someone shoots a lock, it does exactly what they need it to? This is especially true in science-fiction movies, which can be vague about exactly how the lock works. How many movies have you seen where the hero is escaping from a horde of enemy soldiers, runs through a door, then turns and blasts the door's lock with a laser gun, then we cut to the soldiers on the other side, banging on the door that no longer opens. Or cut to the other movie, where the hero has to get through a door, grabs his laser gun and blasts the lock, and the door obediently opens. You'd think the lock's designer would take shooting it into account and make it blaster-proof. When was the last time you saw a movie where the hero tried to open a door, then blasted the lock, and the heroine goes, "Great, you just melted the lock! Now we're really trapped in here!" I'd like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Luck

Yellow Fever: Guys Who Like Asian Women

A while back, I read a Maxim interview with Lucy Liu where she trashed guys who are into Asian women, calling the phenomenon "yellow fever." I couldn't understand why she would be so hostile towards the Asian fixation until I did some research online. One, a memoir of what it's like to be an Asian woman and have guys treating her like a stereotype is sad. There's also a website that profiles the "asianophile," which makes some good points, although I think comparing them to pedophiles is a bit harsh. Maybe some guys like Asian women because they're so cute?

The Pussycat Dolls Are Strippers

The Pussycat Dolls are strippers. I know that sounds obvious, but some people seem to be confusing them with musicians. There's a TV show called The Search For The Next Doll that goes on and on about how the "next" Pussycat Doll has to be someone who can dance and sing and do both equally well. Considering only one of the original six members actually sang at all, that means only one of the original group would have passed their own competition. There's only one good thing about the Dolls, and that's the way they look. I don't know why we have to pretend it's about anything else.

Of course, the Dolls are not about stripping. They're about female empowerment, which apparently is the new term for stripping. Let's look at what "female empowerment" means with an actual quote from the group's founder, Robin Antin:

"It's about female empowerment, about being confident with who you are. It's about singing and dancing in front of a mirror by yourself and having fun."

So the key to empowering women is to dance by yourself in front of a mirror? Wow, how did Gloria Steinem miss the boat on that one? I'm sure that's what the early pioneers who fought to give U.S. women the right to vote did; dance by themselves in front of a mirror. That's something that can change the world.