Tuesday, July 22, 2008

If the USS Enterprise Had Realistic Voice Recognition

PICARD: Computer.
COMPUTER: [chirp] Welcome to the USS Enterprise Voice Recognition System. If you know the extension of the person you'd like to call, please say it now. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For access to records and documents, please say "records." For entertainment options, please say "entertainment." For information on ship systems and diagnostics, please say, diagnostics." For the replicator, please say "replicator." For--
PICARD: Replicator.
COMPUTER: You said "diagnostics." Is that correct?
PICARD: No.
COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?
PICARD: Yes.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again. For environmental changes, please say "environment." For--
PICARD: Replicator.
COMPUTER: You said "replicator." Is that correct?
PICARD: Yes.
COMPUTER: Thank you. Please state what you would like to replicate.
PICARD: Tea. Earl Grey, hot.
COMPUTER: You said, "Be whirled whey in a pot." Is that correct?
PICARD: What? No.
COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?
PICARD: Yes.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.
PICARD: Tea. Earl Grey, hot.
COMPUTER: You said, "Be pearl day, shot." Is that correct?
PICARD: No.
COMPUTER: You said, "No." Is that correct?
PICARD: Yes.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.
PICARD: Tea...Earl...Grey...hot.
COMPUTER: You said, "Need girl gay, hot." I'm sorry, but we cannot replicate human beings. If you wish female companionship, please visit our lounge, Ten-Forward.
PICARD: I didn't say "girl gay," blast you.
COMPUTER: I'm sorry. Please state your request again.
PICARD: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Look, I want a cup of Earl Grey tea. And make it hot.
COMPUTER: You said, "Zero-four Blevin's rakes hook a font couple Curly May pee and naked hot." Is that correct?
PICARD: Oh, forget it. I'll just use a teapot.

3 comments:

Mauricem said...

ROFLOL I can see why that was one of your favorites. It's an instant classic. I hate voice recognition more than push-button menus which I didn't think was possible. At least when you push a button you don't have to verify the push. Funny stuff.
Again...you ever try posting these to a humor newgroup of anything?

Monkey Migraine said...

I'm thinking about it, but if I put it on newsgroup, it might end up being circulated "anonymous," so I'm loathe to do that. I don't know what else to do with it

Monkey Migraine said...

And I have to deal with message trees a lot in my job, and I much prefer the push-button systems.