Fun in a Call Center: Name Game

[I had a really bad case of the flu that day and my nose was completely stuffed up. To get the full experience of this call, read it out loud.]
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER: What?

ME: Dayb. Your dayb.

CALLER: I don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Your firdst ad lads dayb.

CALLER: My what?

ME: Dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb.

CALLER: I'm sorry, I still don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb. You dow, lyg Jod or Jill.

CALLER: Oh, my name?

ME: Yes.

CALLER: Oh, okay. [Caller gives name and completes the call. New call comes in...]

ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER2: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER2: What?

[Repeat this script sixty or so times. That's what that day was like.]

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part Two

Last week, we covered the bizarre evil clone of Mickey Mouse promoting Palestinian bombing. On the other lighter end of the spectrum, we have the recently-discovered Shijingshan Amusement Park in China. The amazing thing about the park is that it's basically a small-scale replica of Disneyland. Somehow, the Chinese managed to keep it a secret until May 2007. Not allowing people to come in or out of the country probably helped. The funniest part about this story to me is how the Chinese tried to say that it wasn't a copy of Disneyland. Take a look at some of the costumed characters. There's Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, even Shrek! Yeah, that's a coincidence.

The interesting thing is that, even though the Chinese quickly took these characters off the park when news broke on it, the Chinese themselves have a very casual attitude towards copyrights. My favorite quote by a Chinese housewife: "I don’t understand why that is such a big problem. Shouldn’t others be able to use those characters besides [Disney]?" Uh, no. That's what copyright means.

Best link on this debacle is at Japan Probe.

Newswire: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

This just in from The New Yuk Times: Eddie Murphy Permanently Sealed Into Fat Suit

The Dance Re-Mix: How To Ruin A Good Song

1. Find a pleasant, mellow, soothing song with a gentle voice and a tender theme.
2. Speed the song up twice as fast.
3. Add a loud, thumping, and annoying backbeat
4. Find the hip-hop singer whose song is popular that week.
5. Add him yellng "Re-Miiiiixxx" for ten seconds at the beginning like a Mexican soccer announcer calling a goal.
6. Have him record a fifteen-second monologue that has nothing to do with the original theme of the song. Make sure he includes the word "booty."
7. Record him saying "yeah" and "uh-huh," and sprinkle at random throughout the song.
8. Distribute the re-mix to radio stations and dance clubs.
9. Make sure that radio stations never play the original song again.

News Nuggets

ENTERTAINMENT
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:

NATIONAL
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.

SPORTS
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"

See you next Tuesday.

Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Movie Rule: #112456: People will do anything to get away from the Mob.

Examples: Sister Act, True Identity

Most common in: Comedies

In movies, the Mafia is invincible. There's nowhere they can't go, there's no one they can't get to. If you owe them money or cross them, they will pursue you to the ends of the Earth for the rest of your natural life until they kill you. There's only one way to get away from them, and that's to give yourself a foolproof disguise as a nun. Or as a white man. Or as a woman. And even then, the Mafia will still be sniffing around your convent or sorority, eyeing you with suspicion.

Of course, in the real world, people hide from the Mob all the time. As powerful and crazy as they are, it's not like the Mafia has infinite resources and determination. For example, the Witness Protection program usually just gives people new names and puts them in a different state, and they get along fine. Even in extreme cases, they just do a little plastic surgery. Imagine the real-world WPP going, "Okay, Sammy 'The Thunder' Gravanno is really after you guys, so here's what we'll do for you. From now on, you'll be posing as Bobo and Bongo, two kangaroos at the San Diego Zoo. Here are your costumes." The real people would be like, "Are you insane? I'm not spending the rest of my life as a kangaroo. I'm going to Mexico."

The reason running from the Mob happens so often in movies is that it's an easy way to get someone to do something totally ridiculous. Here's the conversation:
WRITER: "You know, I've got a great idea for a movie; a guy has to disguise himself as a tree in a suburban family's yard. And here's the hook: the family has five dogs!"
PRODUCER: "Sounds funny. But why would a guy dress up like a tree?"
WRITER: "Oh, I don't know. Uh, let's say…he's trying to hide from the Mob."
PRODUCER: "Makes perfect sense to me. Write it up and let's shoot it."

Imagine a movie where somebody owes money to the Mafia and they say "Go whack him," and the hitman goes to the victim's house, then comes back and says "Can't find him. He must have skipped town," and the mobster goes, "Okay, fine. Forget about it. It was only a couple thousand bucks. Just tell everybody to keep an eye out for him. If we don't find him, we'll make it up at the casinos." I'd like to see that.

Crazy Legs: One-Legged Samba Dancing

And now for something completely different: a man with one leg dancing the Samba. And no, he doesn't fall down.

Breaking News From the New Yuk Times

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity