J-Low: The Fall of Jennifer Lopez

There is a German phrase, schadenfreude, which loosely translated means "shameful joy" or "pleasure at the misfortune of others." That might best describe how I felt finding out that Jennifer Lopez' new album Rebirth is tanking. It's on the verge of dropping off the Billboard top ten only three weeks after release. Even Kelly Clarkson and Now That's What I Call Music 18 are out-selling her. Lopez is reportedly devastated by the album's failure and fears it (combined with her disastrous movie career) signals the end of her popularity.

Why was I so happy to hear this? Maybe it's because she unleashed Gigli on the world. Maybe it's because I got so sick of her and Ben Affleck doing the wedding tease. Maybe it's because I think her butt is way overrated (for example, compare Jennifer Lopez and FHM model Vida Guerra). Maybe it's because the gossip columns all claim she's a selfish diva. Or maybe I just enjoy watching people other than me fail. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing her disappear forever, leaving only big-butt references in her wake. Now all we need to do is get rid of Britney Spears, Ashlee Simpson, and Paris Hilton, and the world is a better place.

On another topic...when did I get so catty? I need to go drink some beer and watch football.

The End of Vin Diesel's Career

I've never seen any career as badly-handled as Vin Diesel's. No exaggeration...I think The Pacifier is the first nail in the coffin of what could have been a brilliant career. Vin Diesel's breakout performance in Pitch Black set the stage for a new antihero - tough as nails with a face carved in stone, muscles Schwarzenegger wishes he still had, and a voice like gravel, Diesel looked like a freight train that couldn't be stopped. Then came XXX. And Chronicles of Riddick. And the last straw, The Pacifier. Diesel should have ignored the people telling him this was Kindergarten Cop. It's Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, a role that humiliates him.

Message to Vin Diesel: You are not cute, you are not endearing, you are not funny. You are scary. You are a complete and total hardcase, a guy who looks like he could chew up nails and spit out bullets. Doing a kid's movie worked for Arnold because he had already built up a reputation, and could allow the public to see another side of him. The world doesn't know who you are, and Pacifier just confuses them even more.

If I were Diesel's agent, I would throw out all the scripts he has except for the one that casts Diesel as the villain. I would have him play nothing but villains for the next two or three years, and maybe never play a hero again. That's where he will shine. Either that or stop working out, lose the muscles, re-invent yourself, and start playing sensitive heroes. Otherwise, Vin Diesel will end up in the same boat as Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal, doing straight-to-video B-grade action movies. What a waste.

Million Dollar Bully

I noticed Million Dollar Baby when it first came out, but didn't see it. I like Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood, but I don't like female boxing. All I've ever seen of professional female boxing is a ten-second clip in a commercial for a fight, and it was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen. Two women with blood all over their faces pounding each other...call me a wimp, call me squeamish, call me whatever you want, but that's not something I want to see. I don't even like watching male boxing. But when MDB won the Academy Award for Best Picture, I decided to go see it. But I stumbled across this article at the Washington Monthly with the title "Battered Women: Female boxing is brutal and hopeless." I know nothing about pro women's boxing, so I can't judge the quality or accuracy of it at all, but it does confirm something I suspect - female boxing is glorified catfighting, and Million Dollar Baby just puts a pretty bow on it. So I think I'll skip it. Either that or just rent Girlfight. Michelle Rodriguez is pretty hot.

The Girl-On-Girl Life

In all the chaos surrounding the hacking of Paris Hilton's Sidekick, one fundamental issue has been surprisingly underplayed - what about that hot picture of Paris kissing that other woman topless? In the interests of journalism and sheer dirty-mindedness, that is number one on my list.

Turns out the other woman is a VJ for MTV named Eglantina Zingg. In an interview, Paris insisted it was just goofing around during a photo shoot. I dunno...that kiss looks like more than goofing around to me. And Hustler published photos of Paris kissing another woman last year. I always thought Paris and Nicole were a little too close. I need to call Rick Salomon and see if he's got a videotape of that.
Categories: entertainment, Paris Hilton