70-30: Frisky Dingo

Ever wonder about the demented minds that created Space Ghost Coast to Coast, Sealab 2021, and Frisky Dingo? No? Well, I did. And I found this very interesting interview behind the weirdos of 70-30, the animation studio. Remarkably candid and informative article at the Atlantic Magazine called The Making of Frisky Dingo, which sheds great insight on the inner workings of Cartoon Network's Adult Swim line-up.

Civil War: Enter and Exit Signs

Every time I go into a store, I realize there's a war going on in this country. That war is between customers and exit/enter signs. You know, those signs that show whether a set of double doors are intended to be enter or exit? Very important, since you don't want people walking through the doors and hitting each other. Isn't it? I mean, most of these doors are glass these days, so you can see someone coming. The central battle to the war is whether customers will follow the signs or not. I would say ninety percent of customers ignore the signs and go through whichever doors they want. Thus, the battle begins.

Manually-operated doors are a problem. It doesn't really matter whether you push or pull, but some stores are set up so they only open one way- presumably the way you need to go. But whether you push or pull the doors, you can still enter and leave through either one.

Automatic doors show the battle more clearly. Some stores have doors that only open for the side it's intended for. If you walk up to an exit door from the outside, the doors won't open so you have to do that awkward shuffle to the enter doors. Most doors have clearly given up the battle and will open either way, no matter how you approach them.

I saw one store that practically waved the surrender sign by putting "enter" and "exit" signs on both sides. If you're entering, both doors are labelled "enter." If you're leaving, both doors are labelled "exit." What's the point of that?

DHARMA Revealed

Any regular viewer of "Lost" has many questions which have yet to be answered. For example, what is the DHARMA Initiative? What was its purpose? What do the Numbers mean? What does DHARMA stand for? Well, it turns out they already gave the answers to those questions last year. And not to the most loyal viewers of the show. No, they only gave the answers to those with the endurance and patience to slog through the "Lost Experience," an online game that ultimately assembled a video that gave the answers. Since this has already been exposed to the world, why haven't they put this video onto the show yet so the TV viewers can share it? Beats me. But here it is. Frankly, I'm annoyed that they spent an entire season with the Others and the answers to these questions, much less this video, never came up once. Once upon a time, "Lost" was a show that raised questions and then answered them. Not anymore. Take a good look at your ratings, "Lost," and fix this next season.

Related posts:
Lost in Order
My Ultimate Lost Theory
Resident Lesbo: Michelle Rodriguez

Virtual NASCAR

My office had a NASCAR simulator in the office, and everyone was all excited. Needless to say, my office is predominantly white. I personally wasn't interested, but was curious what a NASCAR simulator would be like, so I looked it up. I found this very interesting article on the challenges and successes of creating a racing simulation. While I applaud and am thrilled by the idea of such an incredible simulation of the fun and thrills of an auto racing simulation, I feel duty-bound to make fun of NASCAR. As a result, I offer up my take on the NASCAR simulator.

Beer drinking - The biggest and most popular part of NASCAR is captured with this simulator. Put on a pair of special gloves that simulate the weight and feel of a can of beer. Put on a pair of goggles that progressively distort your hearing and sight with every beer you drink. See how many beers you can drink and still be aware of the race.

Tobacco Chewing Simulator - Chew on virtual tobacco and spit virtual black goop. Chew it long enough and you get virtual mouth cancer and virtual jaw removal surgery.

Inbreeding Simulator - scan in a picture of your brother and/or sister and see what your children will look like. Children are ranked by the number of teeth and limbs. If you get a child that has more than three teeth, you win a prize.

Car Crash Simulator - Put on a pair of goggles and see and hear cars crash. This could also be considered a simulation of whole reason for NASCAR's popularity.

Previous:
Left Turn Lovers: NASCAR Romance

Movie Rules: Super Dogs

Movie rule #2183: All dogs in movies and television have human-level intelligence or better.

You ever notice how in most movies and TV shows, dogs seem to have above-average intelligence? By that, I mean they can understand and respond to anything spoken to them, and will behave in human ways. How many times have you watched a TV show or movie and somebody says something to the dog, and the dog understands it? Like in a sitcom, the mother will turn to the dog and say something like "This is all your fault" and the dog will cover its head or run out of the room or growl or something like that. There are even movies and TV shows where the dogs seem smarter than the humans. The point is that the dog acts human, and no one will turn to the dog and say "Holy crap, how did you do that?! You can understand English?" How many times in a sitcom have you seen someone say to a dog "Hey, go get Julie" and the dog just sits there staring at him. Or somebody asks "You feel like going over to my ex-wife's house?" and the dog just licks itself. I'd like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Luck
Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Breaking News From The New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: Man Freezes To Death Chewing Mint Gum

Kryptonite: Sodium Lithium Boron Silicate Hydroxide

It looks like Lex Luthor has the last laugh. A group of Serbian scientists discovered a mineral with a composition of sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide. They searched to see if the mineral they found was already discovered. When they entered its components into Google, they were shocked to discover the name already existed. That's what's written on the case in the museum that Lex gets his kryptonite from in Superman Returns. So they named the mineral kryptonite. Yes, there is now a real mineral called kryptonite. Unfortunately, it's white and powdery, not green and crystalline. But it's still cool. Now they just need to find mitichlorians.

Not Paris Hilton's Secret Diary

The five of you that read it may have noticed that not Paris Hilton's secret diary hasn't been updated in a very long time. There's a reason for that, and it's not that I got bored and forgot about it. The fact is that I no longer find Paris Hilton funny. I also realized that anyone talking about her makes her happy, so the best thing we all can do is ignore her, and she'll go away. Still think the old entries are funny, though.

Lost in Order

When Lost was on re-runs, I caught up on the episodes I missed from the first season, which turned out to be about two-thirds of the season. I thought it might be confusing watching first season episodes when we're already deep into the third season, but it wasn't. Quite the opposite. The show's always been kind of non-linear with the flashbacks on the lives of the characters, which have never been shown in chronological order, and characters making references to things that we don't know or understand until later on. In fact, the third season has become richer for me, knowing all the things that went on before, and I think knowing later episodes enhanced my understand of the first season as well. For example, in the first season, we didn't know anything about the Others, which meant that when Ethan was running around, we had no idea who he was or where he came from. Now I do, so I understand what Ethan's goal was and why he was there while he was stalking the survivors. I think that's a sign of a truly unique and well-written show, that the earlier episodes are just as strong as the third season episodes, if not stronger.

Flashback Friday: Platypus Man

In tribute to the late Richard Jeni, beloved comedian who unfortunately never made it as big as he should have and commited suicide, we shall honor one of his greatest failures, his short-lived TV series Platypus Man. I don't remember a single thing about this show, other than the fact that it wasn't that funny and the sight of Richard Jeni in an apron cooking just didn't fit.

Trivia
* The opening explained that a platypus is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone, and a platypus man is a mammal that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
* His TV show on the series was called Cooking with the Platypus Man.
* The series aired in 1995, the early days of UPN, which sucked.
* The problem of cooking and his character's problems with relationships were supposed to parallel. They didn't.
* Ron Orbach played Richard's executive producer and longtime friend. He's the cousin of actor Jerry Orbach of Law and Order fame.

Links:
* Unofficial UPN homepage's profile of Platypus Man
* TV.com's profile of Platypus Man
* Wikipedia's entry on Platypus Man

Related:
Flashback Friday: Out of This World
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Flashback Friday: Herb

The Mystery of "High School Musical"

I remember the day I realized I was out of touch with the youth of today and officially gave up. It was when I saw a slap bracelet in the store and asked myself "What's a slap bracelet?" I didn't understand it then and still don't, but realized the average kid could probably break it down for me. From then on, I just stopped trying. So when I heard about this thing called High School Musical, I thought "whatever." Then I heard about the hit soundtrack. And saw the High School Musical posters. And the breaking point was when the soundtrack was nominated for "Album of the Year" at the Billboard Music Awards. I couldn't take it anymore. So I booted up Google to answer the eternal question: "what the heck is 'High School Musical?'" The answer is that it's a TV movie on the Disney Channel. Since I don't have cable, that explains my lack of contact with it. But all this fuss over a TV movie? That must be some TV movie.

Breaking News From the New Yuk Times

This just in at the New Yuk Times: Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

I bought some hot fudge sundae Pop-Tarts. They taste good, but they
don't taste anything like a hot fudge sundae. There's no ice cream flavor at
all. It's really chocolate Pop-Tarts with sprinkles and white frosting as
the filling. They should have called it chocolate cake flavor. It doesn't
taste like that either, but it tastes more like chocolate cake than hot fudge
sundae. I should work for Pop-Tarts.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 20th Anniversary Edition

Way back in the 80's, I played a game called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was a text-based adventure game that included really cool stuff like a pair of Joo Janta Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses (also known as a cardboard pair of black glasses), a Don't Panic button, and a microscopic battle fleet (also known as an empty bag). I never finished it, and that's always annoyed me. Now I have a second chance with the 20th Anniversary Edition. Not only is it online and illustrated, it's also free. I'll get that Babel fish yet.

Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Movie rule #28810 - Shooting a lock will automatically open or close a lock, depending on what's required.

You ever notice how in action movies, whenever someone shoots a lock, it does exactly what they need it to? This is especially true in science-fiction movies, which can be vague about exactly how the lock works. How many movies have you seen where the hero is escaping from a horde of enemy soldiers, runs through a door, then turns and blasts the door's lock with a laser gun, then we cut to the soldiers on the other side, banging on the door that no longer opens. Or cut to the other movie, where the hero has to get through a door, grabs his laser gun and blasts the lock, and the door obediently opens. You'd think the lock's designer would take shooting it into account and make it blaster-proof. When was the last time you saw a movie where the hero tried to open a door, then blasted the lock, and the heroine goes, "Great, you just melted the lock! Now we're really trapped in here!" I'd like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Luck

Yellow Fever: Guys Who Like Asian Women

A while back, I read a Maxim interview with Lucy Liu where she trashed guys who are into Asian women, calling the phenomenon "yellow fever." I couldn't understand why she would be so hostile towards the Asian fixation until I did some research online. One, a memoir of what it's like to be an Asian woman and have guys treating her like a stereotype is sad. There's also a website that profiles the "asianophile," which makes some good points, although I think comparing them to pedophiles is a bit harsh. Maybe some guys like Asian women because they're so cute?

The Pussycat Dolls Are Strippers

The Pussycat Dolls are strippers. I know that sounds obvious, but some people seem to be confusing them with musicians. There's a TV show called The Search For The Next Doll that goes on and on about how the "next" Pussycat Doll has to be someone who can dance and sing and do both equally well. Considering only one of the original six members actually sang at all, that means only one of the original group would have passed their own competition. There's only one good thing about the Dolls, and that's the way they look. I don't know why we have to pretend it's about anything else.

Of course, the Dolls are not about stripping. They're about female empowerment, which apparently is the new term for stripping. Let's look at what "female empowerment" means with an actual quote from the group's founder, Robin Antin:

"It's about female empowerment, about being confident with who you are. It's about singing and dancing in front of a mirror by yourself and having fun."

So the key to empowering women is to dance by yourself in front of a mirror? Wow, how did Gloria Steinem miss the boat on that one? I'm sure that's what the early pioneers who fought to give U.S. women the right to vote did; dance by themselves in front of a mirror. That's something that can change the world.

Don't Phunk With My Video

I've seen the Black-Eyed Peas video for Don't Phunk With My Heart several times, and there are some things that bother me about it. If you haven't seen it, click here. Got it? Okay.

It's a clever idea, a dating show where they transport people to locations and the host goofs on them with voodoo. Funny. But first of all, is Fergie really that hot that guys would line up to go on a date with her. I don't think so...unless she wears a diaper on that date.

The other problem I have is with the voodoo. Why are the guys so surprised and confused when it happens? Maybe the first guy wouldn't know it was going to happen, but wouldn't the other two see it coming? And why does Fergie get so mad? Wouldn't she know what's going on? They didn't think that video through enough.

Related:
My Humps Sucks

Pixar's Cars (abridged)

Warning: The following is a short version of the movie Pixar's Cars. If you haven't seen it or plan to see it, please skip it.

FADE IN:

LIGHTNING MCQUEEN, HOTSHOT RACE CAR, ENDS UP LOST ON WAY TO BIG RACE

MCQUEEN: Where am I?
JUDGE: You're in Radiator Flats, the most boring town in America, and will be here for the majority of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Whose bright idea was it to set a two-hour movie in the most boring town in America?
DIRECTOR: I did. It's supposed to make you slow down and appreciate life.
AUDIENCE: Well, it's not working. We can be bored at home.
JUDGE: For tearing up our road, we sentence you to repair the town's main road.

LOTS OF SCENES OF MCQUEEN LIVING SMALL TOWN LIFE, REPAIRING ROAD, AND BEING BORED

AUDIENCE: Yeah, nothing more exciting than watching road construction. For a movie about race cars, this movie sure is slow.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY: Git-R-Done! That's funny right there!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: We beg to differ.

MCQUEEN IS FOUND AND RETURNS TO CIVILIZATION

AUDIENCE: Thank God.

MCQUEEN RACES FOR THE TITLE

ANNOUNCER: Only a hundred and thirty-two laps to go!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: This is why we don't watch NASCAR.
SOUTHERN AUDIENCE: Boy howdy, this sure is excitin'! Better'n watchin' NASCAR!

MCQUEEN SACRIFICES WINNING RACE TO PUSH OLDER CAR OVER THE FINISH LINE

AUDIENCE: So we waited an hour and a half to see him not win the race?
DIRECTOR: The moral of the story is that there are more important things than winning.
AUDIENCE: No, the moral of the story is that Pixar is losing it.

FADE OUT

Related:
The New World (abridged)
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (abridged)

Happy Demolition Day

Happy Demolition Day!
BOOM!

Movie Rules: Movie Luck

Movie Rule #3891: Luck exists.

You ever notice that in movies or TV shows, luck is a fact of life? Like there's usually an episode in a sitcom where a character is cursed with bad luck and they declare they don't believe in luck, and spend the rest of the episode inflicted with inexplicable problems until they give in. Then there's movies like Just My Luck where the whole movie revolves around luck. Where was the last movie or TV show where a character breaks a mirror or gets cursed by a gypsy, declares "Ah, there's no such thing as luck," and spends the rest of the time watching TV or getting a good night's sleep? I'd like to see that.

Yahoo's Most Popular

I love Yahoo's "Most Popular" feature on their news page, especially the photos. Unofrtunately, Yahoo deletes them two weeks afterwards. But fear not, I've been preserving some of the most interesting on my other blog, Yahoo's Most Popular Photos.

Truth: You Don't Always Die From Tobacco

Jokebook: Police Phobia

Late at night, a police officer is on the side of the road when he sees a car with its taillights out driving by. So the cop turns on his sirens. To his surprise, the car takes off at a hundred miles an hour. The cop engages the car in a high-speed chase that only ends when the car blows two of its tires and is forced to stop.

The cop goes over to the driver's side window of the car and growls, "You want to tell me what that was all about?"

The driver gasps, "Sorry, officer. My wife left me for a cop last week."

The cop nods. "I see. So that's left you a little bitter towards police officers?"

The driver gasps, "No, I thought you were gonna give her back."

My Games Fever: Reloaded

Since my original post on My Games Fever, I've had some additional thoughts. First of all, the show is really annoying. All these sound effects and the screen is crammed with crap so you can only see the host in one-third of the screen, and he or she is always jumping around trying to look excited and happy to be there. A review in the New York Daily News put it best.

Oddly enough, these kinds of shows (called "participation shows") are huge in Britain. For the life of me, I can't understand why. They must be much better produced in Britain. There is a version called Playdate where callers try to get dates with people in studio, sort of a home version of The Dating Game. I can see how that would be fun to watch.

And what's with the title? My Games Fever. Shouldn't that be My Game Fever? Or Game Fever? Or My Game? It's even a bad show grammatically.

MyNetworkTV is failing miserably, and if this is their best idea for fixing it, they've got a long way to go.