Kristen Bell Freaks Out Over Sloths

Kristen Bell really, really, really likes sloths. When her boyfriend introduced her to a sloth for her thirty first, Kristen absolutely freaked out. Watched her overview of the situation on The Ellen Show.

Reality vs. Fantasy in "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood"

When I was a kid, I used to watch Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. I used to wonder why he would talk about the Neighborhood of Make Believe where he would have his puppets and the trolley. Why not just have the puppets and trolley, instead of making a big deal about how he used his imagination to do it? No other show did.

Now I have toddlers, and they watch shows like "Lunar Jim" and "Dora the Explorer," and are always asking, "Is that real?" "Is this real?" And I have to explain what is real (yes, porcupines are real), and what's not (no, people can't breathe on the Moon).

I realized that Mister Rogers knew that children struggled to understand the difference between fantasy and reality, and that TV shows could blur the line. That's why, on his show, he always made it clear what was make-believe and what was real.

Thank you, Mister Rogers.

Rihanna and Chris Brown Are NOT a Cute Couple! [Celebrity]

Okay, so the rumors have been pretty much confirmed that Rihanna and Chris Brown are at least hanging out again, if not an outright couple. I'm not surprised, given the flood of appearances and comments the two have about and for each other. But I am surprised by articles like this one at Hollywoodlife entitled "Chris Brown & Rihanna Dating Again - Going Public With Their Love." I was disgusted to read something like this:

And you two need to be mature about having a far better, more mature and safe relationship than you had before. You really should be in counseling together to ensure that you have a healthy and completely non-violent relationship from now on. You need to learn to not push each other’s hot buttons and to resolve your differences when you argue, in a mature way...We’ve heard at Hollywoodlife.com that you, Rihanna, have been in regular therapy. That’s terrific, and I’m sure very helpful, but we don’t know about Chris.

The comments in the article are similarly oblivious with comments like:

My thought is that she almost destroyed chris brown and his career and i think that he nees to take it slow with her. Now that he is back in business and doing good she want him back.

RIHANNA almost destroyed Chris Brown?! CHRIS BROWN almost destroyed Chris Brown by beating up Rihanna...unbelievable. But it gets worse with:

Rihanna and Chris Brown need to get back togther becuase they where good couple together because it semms like when they brake up something is not right they know that they love each other Rihanna still loves Chris Brown and Chris Brown still loves Rihanna so they need to go ahead and get back together and go ahead and get married!!!!!!!

What is wrong with you people?! Do you all have amnesia? Why is everyone talking about their relationship, including the author of this article, like they're just another cute celebrity couple who had a lover's tiff? Chris Brown and Rihanna broke up, because he beat and left her for dead on the side of the road. Just to jog your memory, here's a description from the police report:

Remember this?

A verbal argument ensued and Brown pulled the vehicle over on an unknown street, reached over Robyn F. [Rihanna] with his right hand, opened the car door and attempted to force her out. Brown was unable to force Robyn F. out of the vehicle because she was wearing a seat belt. When he could not force her to exit, he took his right hand and shoved her head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contusion. Robyn F. turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in the vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused Robyn F.'s mouth to fill with blood and splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle. Brown looked at Robyn F. and stated, "I'm going to beat the *** out of you when we get home! You wait and see!" Robyn F. picked up her cellular telephone and called her personal assistant, Jennifer Rosales...After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, "You just did the stupidest thing ever! Now I'm really going to kill you!" Brown resumed punching Robyn F. and she interlocked her fingers behind her head and brought her elbows forward to protect her face. She then bent over at the waist, placing her elbows and face near her lap in attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown continued to punch Robyn F. on her left arm and hand causing her to suffer a contusion on her left tricep that was approximately two inches in diameter and numerous contusions on her left hand. Robyn then attempted to send a text message to her other personal assistant, Melissa Ford. Brown snatched the cellular telephone out of her hand and threw it out of the window onto an unknown street... Brown continued driving and Robyn F. observed the cellular telephone sitting in his lap. She picked up the cellular telephone with her left hand and before she could make a call he placed her in a head lock with his right hand and continued to drive the vehicle with his left hand. Brown pulled Robyn F. close to him and bit her on the left ear...Brown [began] punching her in the face and arms. He then placed her in a head lock positioning the front of her throat between his bicep and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.'s left and right carotid arteries causing her to be unable to breathe and she began to lose consciousness. She reached up with her left hand and began attempting to gouge his eyes in an attempt to free herself. Brown bit her left ring and middle fingers and then released her. While Brown continued to punch her, she turned and a [sic] placed her back against the passenger door. She brought her knees to her chest, placed her feet against Brown's body and began pushing him away. Brown continued to punch her on the legs and feet causing several contusions. Robyn F. began screaming for help and Brown exited the vehicle and walked away.

Not exactly a lover's quarrel. And Rihanna has already admitted it wasn't an isolated incident.

Rihanna getting back together with Chris is not because they're in love, it's a classic case of an insecure and emotionally manipulated woman who returns to her abuser. As for Brown, he's the one who needs therapy. Serious therapy. And Rihanna needs to be publicly called out as setting a bad example to other women and young girls in abusive relationships who can now point to the two of them as "proof" that an abuser can change. I'm not going to blame the victim, but we as a society need to set the tone that what Rihanna is doing is unhealthy and dangerous.

Why Kristen Stewart Has Crashed, And Why She Deserves It [Entertainment]

The Hollywood Reporter posted an article defending Kristen Stewart and asking why she's being raked over the coals. Here's what everyone including the author of this article is missing. Kristen is getting worked over, not because of what she did, but because of who she is.

Yes, she cheated on her boyfriend with a married man. She's not the first and won't be the last. The reality is that Kristen became famous because of one thing - her relationship, both on and off screen, with Robert Pattinson. She could have kept the relationship on screen and pursured other guys, but she chose to take it into real-life, and in the process created a fairy-tale romance that her fans clung to. By betraying him and exposing herself as a cheater, she pretty much killed the only thing she had going. Let's face it - Kristen is not that good an actress, so it's not like she had her acting career to fall back on. She's pretty, but not abundantly so. In interviews and public appearances, Kristen has varied between indifference and surliness, so she doesn't have her sunny personality to win her fans over with. In the end, RPat was her career.And she blew it. Losing her teenage girl fanbase left no one to support her.

Oh, and I noticed the THR article was written by an "anonymous insider." I'm guessing that translates into "Kristen Stewart's publicist."

EDIT: Turns out her name is spelled "Kristen" not "Kirsten." Durrr...

9 Catfights That Geeks Love

Ah, the catfight. Usually the term means a fight between two women that's distinctly titillating. That's not what this list is about. Well, not really. There have been some really awesome fights in sci-fi movies and TV shows that just happen to involve two women. Here are nine...and while there may be some kinda sexy moments in them, that's entirely not the point. At all.

The Eyes Have It: Amanda Seyfried vs. Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift should borrow some eye from Amanda Seyfried, because she's got some to spare. Taylor Swift has the smallest eyes in Hollywood and Amanda Seyfried has the biggest.

Lindsay Lohan: Unemployable

The child star whose career collapses once he or she reaches childhood is so common that it's become a Hollywood stereotype. However, one person has taken that failure to a whole new level: Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she's strung out on drugs and alcohol, but we've seen that before. Sure, she's known more for partying in clubs than acting, but we've also seen that before. Even the fact that she hasn't had a movie or TV role in years isn't news. What is news is that she is now literally unemployable.

Let's say you want to make a movie with Lindsay Lohan...for some reason. In order to make a movie, you need to get insurance. That will kill any hope of Lohan being in your movie, because her multiple car crashes and DUI arrests mean that no insurance company will cover her. The last person who took a chance on Lohan was Rick Schwartz, the producer of the movie Labor Pains, and he had to beg every insurance company in Hollywood before he found one who would insure Lohan. And Labor Pains ended up going straight to cable (ABC Family, for some reason) and home video, so it's unlikely another producer will go to that much trouble. At this rate, the best thing she could do for her career would be suicide. She should be taking notes on Robert Downey Jr. to see how to revive her career.

Quote of the Week: Good Luck, Nolan

John Del Signore on the promotion for The Dark Knight - Gothamist.com:
Unfortunately for them, The Dark Knight opens the same weekend as the hotly anticipated Space Chimps, so, you know, good luck, Nolan!

"1, 2, 3, 4" is My New Favorite Song

My fascination with the song "1234" started when I was watching Sesame Street (gimme a break, I have two toddlers), and a woman came out and immediately captured my attention. I didn't recognize her, but the way they shot her segment made me think she was "somebody," like I was supposed to recognize her. She came out, smiling and beckoning sweetly, and began to sing [Youtube]. The song she sang was so cute and sweet, far more than just a counting song, and she had such charm that I couldn't get her out of my head. Plus, it all seemed so familiar.

So I Googled her, and discovered her name is Feist, and her song was familiar. I'd heard it as the background song in an iPod commercial. Turns out the song "1234" was re-written for Sesame Street, and it had become a smash hit from that commercial alone. I had to see what the real version was like, so I found the music video for the original "1234" [Youtube] And that proceeded to blow me away: a wildly fun, goofy, and enthusiastic dance sequence from a huge group in a warehouse, all seemingly shot in one take. So I read up on the music video, and it's even more amazing. Inspired by Feist's performance in a dance routine at the 1988 Olympics, the video was choreographed and shot in three days. They really were as happy as they seemed in the video: according to the director, even after they got their twentieth take, the dancers still wanted to do it again.

I've had the song stuck in my head since I first heard it. So I bought the mp3 from Amazon. And I love it.

Quote of the Week: The Box

Arcturan on the terrible review given to the movie The Box by Scifi Wire:
So, as bad as it is, when can we expect it to be prominently featured on SyFy along with the other high quality movies?

Quote of the Week: Most Unintelligible

Lloyd Levin, co-producer of “Watchmen,” on Fox studio’s decision to initially turn down the movie proposal:

An internal Fox email documents that executives there felt the script was one of
the most unintelligible pieces of s*** they had read in years.

Movie Rules: Condemned to Death

Movie Rule #819: Condemned prisoners will do anything.

Whenever there’s something crazy, violent, illegal, and potentially lethal to be done in movies, condemned prisoners are the ones to do it. They can get death row inmates to agree to fight a suicide mission, participate in lethal combat on a desert island or in weaponized cars, let their brains be controlled, or anything else. I know death row prisoners are desperate, but are they really that eager a source of labor? And even if they were willing to do it, these movies always have to set in a near-future with a decaying government, because the current political climate would never let prisoners be exposed to that kind of thing.

Imagine a movie where a prisoner's on death row, and someone says, “Hey, good news. There’s a new program that can get you out. The only catch is that you’ll have to put on a clown suit, strap a bomb to your chest, and run through a maze while genetically-engineered dinosaurs chase you on live television.” And the prisoner goes, “No, thanks. I think I’ll just wait on my appeal. Or a petition from the governor.” I’d like to see that.

Related Posts
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Quote of the Week: Pro-Adoption Message

Gabe on the "pro-adoption" message that will be added to the DVD of the horror movie "Orphan":

At the end of the movie, the camera pulls back from Esther's foster parents' dead bodies, and written on the kitchen floor in their pooling blood it says "ADOPT TODAYYYYY!"

Michael Jackson: Good Riddance

Michael Jackson died a few weeks ago. To me, it was an interesting footnote, but I didn’t really care. I was more upset about Farrah Fawcett dying. But I was amazed to see the outpouring of love towards him in the days that followed. Amazed, because it seems completely misplaced. I know people are respectful of the dead, but we can’t ignore the truth: Michael Jackson was a horrible person. He was an extremely talented musical genius, but he was also a horrible person.

First and foremost, he was a child molester. I know people like to say he was acquitted, and that proves he wasn’t a child molester. Actually, all that proves is that has good lawyers, and the prosecution botched the case (for more analysis on the trial, see my earlier post: Michael Jackson is a Child Molester). Enough information came out of the case to take away all doubt in my mind that Jackson is a child molester. I expect, over the next ten or twenty years, children who were molested by Jackson will start speaking out, and we’ll have the true picture. In the end, I think Jackson’s real legacy will be as the most successful child molester who ever lived.

Some people are even making the argument that Jackson is a greater entertainer than Elvis. That, to me, is a ridiculous and ultimately pointless argument. First of all, the definition of “greatest entertainer” is meaningless. Are you talking greatest in terms of artistic ability? Creativity? Marketability? Financial earnings? The two artists lived in completely different eras and had completely different skills. More than that, Elvis has been dead for decades and created a legacy post-mortem, securing his place in history. Jackson’s been dead two weeks. There’s no way we can judge his legacy right now. Especially if more molestations come to light.

Michael Jackson was also a certifiable nutcase. He was clearly a plastic surgery addict, and (in a related story) a liar who repeatedly lied about everything from his plastic surgery to his treatment in jail. He called himself Peter Pan, but he was really psychologically stunted, and probably a treasure trove of untreated mental illnesses. He was a spendthrift who was making millions a year, but still managed to spend millions more than he earned until he ran out, then lived on gifts and handouts (like free cars and even houses) like a bum, and committed bank fraud by using fake names to get more when his credit ran out. Speaking of white-collar crime, he was also a drug addict who took Oxycontin, Demerol, Zoloft, and a host of other drugs . He broke the law to take ten Xanax every night by convincing doctors to fill the prescriptions in their names. Hardly the kind of person we want our children looking up to.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, because the keywords “Michael,” “Jackson,” and “sucks” have gotten me a ton of hits since his death. Once the shock wears off, I hope the world will go back to hating and making fun of MJ the way he deserves. Listen to his music, but ignore the man who created it. He doesn’t deserve your love.

The Poster Child For Interracial Marriage: Seal and Heidi Klum

I think, if there was a foundation for interracial marriages between African-Americans and Caucasians, Seal and Heidi Klum would be the spokescouple. Because I can’t think of a blacker man than Seal or a whiter woman than Heidi Klum. Unless you paired up Desmond Tutu and Paris Hilton. Okay, I can come up with a more mismatched couple, but really they’re unlikely to happen. Whenever I see a photo of Seal and Heidi Klum together, it’s like a Photoshopped picture for Mad Magazine or something. And it's awesome. I hesitate to call any celebrity marriage a good one, since we never know what goes on behind closed doors, but it's hard for me to read this article about them from the Daily Mail without thinking "Awww." I mean, Seal claims he became more in love with Heidi after he found out she was pregnant with another man's baby. And Heidi calls Seal "Schatzi," a German word similar to "sweetie." And Heidi openly admits she was first attracted to him because she saw him in tight shorts.

List of the Week: Action Heroes Named "John"

It's a tradition in movies to give action heroes the first name "John." Here are some of the most famous examples.

John McLane – Die Hard
John Rambo – First Blood
John Shaft – Shaft
John Connor – Terminator 3

Adwatch: Freecreditreport.com

First of all, let me say that I like freecreditreport.com's commercials. They're funny and the music is catchy. But they make no sense. Let's review a couple.

In this one, the guy sings about how he should've checked his credit report before he went to the dealer to buy a car. Because he didn't know his credit was "whack", he was forced to buy a lousy car instead of the cool one he wanted. But knowing his credit score in advance wouldn't really have helped him. If there was a mistake, it would take weeks to correct. If it wasn't a mistake, it would take years to improve his credit score. And I don't see why he had to buy a lousy car. He could've just said "I need to go fix my credit" and left.

Let's also take a peek at the commercial where the guy sings about not knowing his wife's credit report beforehand forced him to move in with her parents. What kind of cold-blooded SOB breaks off an engagement because their potential mate's credit is bad? And he says that it was all because his wife defaulted on some credit cards. If he can't find an apartment that would rent to him because of that, he needs to move to a bigger city.

There are circumstances where knowing your credit report is helpful, but these commercials exaggerate the problem too much. They would've been better off using more realistic scenarios.

Movie Rules: Going Nuclear

Movie Rule #245: Nuclear bombs fix everything

Examples: The Core, Armageddon

You ever notice how, in movies, nuclear bombs are the solution to every disaster? There’s an asteroid heading towards Earth? Throw a nuclear bomb on it. The Earth’s core stopped spinning? Stick a nuclear bomb in it. Aliens invading Earth? Fire a nuclear bomb at them. Somehow, a well-placed nuclear bomb will cure whatever ails you.

If only that were the case in real life. If life were a movie, we could solve all our problems. Hole in the ozone layer? A nuclear bomb throws up enough dirt to plug the hole. Rainforest disappearing? A nuclear bomb spreads seeds and puts nutrients back into the soil so the trees grow back. Species going extinct? A nuclear bomb will cause more of them to spontaneously appear.

Imagine if the movies were like our world. A scientist tells government officials, “Gentlemen, a meteor is headed towards Earth that will destroy us all. We must act quickly. Set up an international conference to discuss the situation. Once the presentation has been made, we'll need to pass a resolution to create an international task force to come up with possible solutions. Then the United Nations will need to approve an international treaty to provide funding and manpower to implement the solution. Of course, the United States won’t agree to it, but maybe we can get them to agree to a similar resolution. Our hope is that we'll be able to put a project into place to stop the meteor in roughly ten years. What? No, actually, the meteor is scheduled to hit tomorrow. We're all doomed.” I’d like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Fatman: The Blob's Superpowers

I recently showed the trailer for X-Men Origins: Wolverine to my wife, and was explaining the different characters that seemed to be shown in it. Most obvious to me (besides Gambit and Sabretooth) was the big fat guy, that I assume is the Blob. I described him as being the opposite of Juggernaut; once he sets himself down, he can't be moved. He's also super-strong and his fat makes him really soft so it absorbs bullets and punches, so you can't hurt him. My wife pointed out that he has a bunch of powers, which is odd when you think about it. It finally occurred to me that the Blob really only has one power; he's super-fat. All his powers are super humanly enhanced stereotypes of fat people; being really heavy so you can't move him, being really soft and rubbery, even having his own gravitational pull. Kind of offensive when you think about it.

UPDATE: I had a tasteless joke at the end, but I've deleted it.

Bonadouchebag: Danny Bonaduce Lies About His Father

A story Danny Bonaduce told frequently on the air is that his father died on his birthday. The day he died, Danny said he was doing his radio show and was told off-air and said, "Huh, he finally got me something for my birthday," then went back to work. I thought the story told a lot about his relationship with his father, and also his own personality. So imagine my shock when I discovered the story was completely bogus. Danny's birthday is August 13. His father died on August 3, 2004. It amazes me that Bonaduce would make up a story about his father's death. What kind of scumbag would do that? Danny Bonaduce, that's who. That, plus Adam Carolla's candid assertion that Danny often made up stories that he told on the air, makes me question everything about the guy.

UPDATE: Originally this post had the dates mixed up (i.e. Danny's birthday August 3, Joseph Bonaduce died August 13). Some people called me out on that. I fixed the dates. The story still applies.