Jokebook: Cat's on the Roof

A woman’s on vacation and calls home to her husband. She asks, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."

"Okay, I’m sorry," says the husband, "I’ll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother’s up on the roof and we can’t get her down."

Jokebook: Anti-Women

My wife never reads this blog, so...how about some women jokes?

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me...."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, because at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

One golfer tells another: "I got a set of golf clubs for my wife."
The other replies: "Good trade."

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: No mind and no business.

---

A man gets a call from his credit card company who tells him, "We've been showing some unusual purchases on your card. We think it's been stolen."

The man says, "Yeah, it was stolen three months ago."

The credit card company says, "Three months ago? Why didn't you report it?"

The man says, "Because the thief is spending less than my wife did."

---

A Mercedes is driving down the road over the speed limit when a police car starts flashing its lights at him.

To the police officer's surprise, the Mercedes speeds up. A high-speed chase follows for a half-hour until the Mercedes finally pulls over and stops.

The police officer comes up to the Mercedes where the driver wipes sweat from his forehead as he says,

"I'm sorry, officer. It's just that my wife left me for a cop last week."

The police officer nodded in sympathy. "Oh, that making you feel a bit hostile towards cops lately?"

"No," the driver says, "I was afraid you were him, and you were trying to give her back."

In case you ever read this, just kidding, honey! Love you. Now make me a sammich...

Jokebook: Computer Gender

When the computer came to Mexico, they had to figure out what gender to refer it to: as “la computadora” (feminine) or “el computador” (masculine).

One group decided that "computer" should be feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The second group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Jokebook: Price of Admission

It’s the first day at a university, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new male students. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”

One student raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”

Jokebook: So Fast

A turtle goes up to a cop, and says, "Officer, I was just mugged by two snails."

The cop says, "All right, what did they look like?"

The turtle says, "I’m not sure. It all happened so fast."

Jokebook: Last Words

Three guys die in a car crash. At the pearly gates, the angel says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen. You were taken before your time. We can’t send you back, but we’ll give you one last request. You can have your family and friends say anything you want at your funeral, and it will become true. What do you want it to be?”

One guy says, “I want them to say that I was a very successful stock broker with lots of cars and beautiful women.”

The second guy says, “I want them to say that I was a beloved man with lots of children, an adoring wife, and hundreds of friends.”

The third guy says, “I want them to say, ‘Hey, he’s moving!’"

Jokebook: Route 66

A cop's on the highway when he sees a car that's going 22 miles an hour. So he turns on his lights and pulls it over. Inside the car are four old ladies, all looking pale and trembling.

The driver manages to look up at the cop and says, "What's wrong, officer? I was doing the speed limit. I swear."

The cop says, "Actually, you were going under the speed limit. Going too slow on the highway is almost as dangerous as going too fast."

The old lady says, "But, officer, I was going twenty-two, just like the sign says."

The cop looks at the sign she's pointing at and says, "Ma'am, that sign is the route number, not the speed limit."

The old lady blushes and says, "Oh, well, that explains a few things."

"Yes. Now are you all right? You all look like you've seen a ghost."

The lady says, "Oh, we'll be fine in a minute. We just got off Route 119."

Jokebook: Circular Stampede

POLICE: 911, what is your emergency?
BLONDE: You have to help me. I'm surrounded by wild animals. I've been running for hours, and they're still chasing me.
POLICE: Okay, ma'am, calm down. Tell me what's going on. What kind of animals are chasing you?
BLONDE: There's a zebra behind me, a lion in front of me, a gazelle to my left, and a rhino on my right.
POLICE: Okay, ma'am, here's my suggestion - get off the merry-go-round.

Jokebook: Weight Limit

This blonde goes to the pediatrician because her baby keeps getting diaper rashes. The pediatrician asks, "How often do you change your baby?"

The blonde says, "Once a month."

The doctor yells, "What? Why do you only change him once a month?"

The blonde says, "Well, the box says 'good up until fifteen pounds.'"

Jokebook: Future Manager

This guy walks into a bar, slumps into his seat, and orders a stiff drink. The bartender serves the drink and asks, "Why so glum?"

The guy gulps down the drink, then says, "I just lost my job."

Bartender says, "That's too bad. How come?"

The guy says, "Ah, you know how managers are. They just stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work."

The bartender says, "Sure. But why'd you get fired?"

The guy says, "Jealousy. Everybody thought I was a manager."

Jokebook: Designated Driver

This cop is waiting outside a bar and sees this guy come stumbling out. The guy is staggering all over the sidewalk from the bar all the way to a car parked out front. The guy pulls out his keys, drops them, picks them up again, fumbles around trying to put the keys into the lock, finally unlocks the door, falls inside, starts the car, and drives away, weaving all over the road.

The cop turns on his lights and pulls the car over. The guy gets out and the cop gives him a breathalyser test.

The guy blows a zero-point-zero.

The cop looks at the results, then looks at the guy and asks, "What is this?

The guy straightens, looks the cop square in the eye, and says in a clear voice, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Related Posts:
* Jokebook: Homeward Bound
* Jokebook: Police Phobia

Jokebook: Homeward Bound

This guy's wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife leaves for work again, then throws the cat in the car, drives a mile away from the house, and tosses the cat out. When he gets home, the cat's sitting there again on the front porch.

Well, the guy's furious. So he waits until the next day, then throws the cat in the car, and drives as far and fast as he can, making all the turns and doubling back he can to throw off the cat. He dumps out the cat and heads home, but realizes he can't figure out where he is.

So that afternoon, his wife comes home and answers the ringing phone. It's her husband. He asks, "Is the cat there?"

She says, "Yes."

The guy says, "I'm lost. Put the cat on the phone."

Related posts:
* Jokebook: Police Phobia
* Jokebook: Vow of Silence

Jokebook: Police Phobia

Late at night, a police officer is on the side of the road when he sees a car with its taillights out driving by. So the cop turns on his sirens. To his surprise, the car takes off at a hundred miles an hour. The cop engages the car in a high-speed chase that only ends when the car blows two of its tires and is forced to stop.

The cop goes over to the driver's side window of the car and growls, "You want to tell me what that was all about?"

The driver gasps, "Sorry, officer. My wife left me for a cop last week."

The cop nods. "I see. So that's left you a little bitter towards police officers?"

The driver gasps, "No, I thought you were gonna give her back."

Jokebook: Vow of Silence

There's a monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence, but once a year at a special dinner, one monk can stand up and say one thing.

So one year a monk stands up and says, "I really enjoy the mashed potatoes we serve here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The next year, another monk stands up and says, "I hate the mashed potatoes served here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The following year, the abbott of the monastery stands up and says, "I'm sick and tired of the constant bickering."

Jokebook: Hell Has The Wrong One

One day, God is going through his records and realizes that Mother Theresa was accidentally sent to Hell. So he calls up Satan and says, "There's been a mix-up. You've got Mother Teresa down there."

Satan says, "Yeah, I know, it's great. She's re-decorated the place, she's always bright and sunny, and she even helps out every now and then. I'm keeping her."

God says, "You can't do that. You send her back up to Heaven or I'll sue you."

Satan says, "Fat chance. I've got all the lawyers."

Jokebook: Etch-A-Sketch XP

From: Your Office
To: All Employees

Subject: The New IT System

As you all know, this company has been experiencing some financial problems in the past. One area that we've decided to cut costs is in Information Technology. Due to the rising cost of computer technology and the manpower required to handle an increasingly large network, we have decided to replace all desktop PCs with an Etch-A-Sketch. To ease the transition, we present the following Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I re-boot my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document?
A: Don't pick it up and shake it.

Jokebook: Test of Loyalty

The CIA is looking for a new agent and think they've narrowed it down to three candidates - a blond man, a dark-haired man, and a red-headed man. They decide to perform one final test of their ruthlessness.

They go to the dark-haired candidate and hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The dark-haired man sets the gun down on the table and says, "I can't do that."

The CIA immediately dismisses him and goes to the red-headed candidate, telling him the same thing. "In that room is your wife. Take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The red-headed man shakes his head and sets the gun down, saying, "I can't do that."

The CIA dismisses him and turns to the final candidate, the blonde man. They hand him a gun, saying, "In that room is your wife. We want you to take this gun, go in that room, and kill her."

The blond man takes the gun and walks into the room. Silence passes for a few seconds, then the room is filled with screaming and crashing noises. When the room is silent again, the blond man comes staggering out of the room.

The CIA asks, "What happened?"

The blond man gasps, "Well, the gun was filled with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with her chair."

Jokebook: Suicidal Bet

A blonde and a brunette are watching TV and the news comes on, showing a guy on a bridge about to jump.

The brunette says, "I'll bet you ten bucks he jumps."

The blonde says, "You're on."

Well, the guy on TV jumps off the bridge, so the blonde hands over the money.

The brunette sighs and says, "I can't take your money. I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

The blonde says, "No, no. Take it. I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again."

Jokebook: Plenty More

A Cuban, a Russian, a white American, and an Apache Indian are sitting on a train.

The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar and throws it out the window, saying "There's plenty more of those where I come from."

The Russian takes a sip of his vodka and throws the rest of the bottle out the window, saying "There's plenty more of that where I come from."

So the Apache Indian gets up and throws the white American out the window.

Related:
Jokebook: Seeing Eye
Jokebook: Drinking Contest
Jokebook: Estrogen in Beer

Jokebook: Seeing Eye

This blind guy walks into a bar, picks up his seeing-eye dog by its leash, and starts swinging
the dog in circles over his head.

The bartender yells, "Hey, what're you doing?"

The blind guy says, "Just takin’ a look around."