Steve Jobs vs. Dennis Ritchie

[From Memebase]
Don't know who the guy on the right, Dennis Ritchie, is? Exactly.

Flowers in the Attic 2008: The Austrian Incest Rapist

Here's 2008's candidate for parent of the year: Josef Fritzl, a father who imprisoned his own daughter in his cellar for twenty-four years. Not even his wife who lived in the house knew what was happening. During that time, he raped her and fathered seven of his own grandchildren. The story reminds me of the novel "Flowers in the Attic," but taken to a level even that author would never have thought believable. The truly amazing thing about this story is that the more you learn, the worse it gets. You wouldn't think a story like that could get worse, but consider this:
* He forced his daughter to write a note claiming that she was running off with a cult, so no one would question her disappearance. His wife never even suspected that their daughter lived right under her feet for decades.
* Of the seven children he fathered, he arranged for three of them to be left on the doorstep to be raised by his unsuspecting wife as foundlings. Three of them remained underground for their entire lives, never seeing natural sunlight. The seventh child died of neglect when the "father" refused medical care after birth.
* Fritzl never even bothered to name the children born by his daughter.
* The daughter and children were forced to expand and construct their own prison.

This story is still unfolding. You can follow it through Topix, if you dare.

Jonesin' for Heroin: Jury Duty Drop-Outs

I recently served on jury duty, but didn't get selected. I personally would like to serve on a jury...big fan of Law and Order...but apparently some people don't. In fact, two people more than others. They both did the same thing, trying to portray themselves as so horrible that they would not be suitable candidates for jury duty. And both of them went too far.

For example, Daniel Ellis of Cape Cod wrote on his questionairre that he is homophobic, racist, and a compulsive liar. On MSNBC, there's an excerpt from his exchange with the judge that I found hilarious.

Another man tried the same trick by writing that he had a "jonesin' for heroin". He also said that he had killed a man. But at least he didn't try to follow up on it when he showed up in court.

Just sit in the jury box, people. It's not that bad, and your attempts to get out of it could lead to sitting in another seat: the defendant's.

Wanna Buy A Country: Sealand

There's a World War II artillery platform in the North Sea that is the world's smallest country, if you want to call it a country, which the United Kingdom doesn't and has been fighting with since the 1960s. But the owner Paddy Roy Bates has persisted, declaring it the sovereign nation of Sealand, instituting a constitution, printing his own currency, and even designing a national flag. He's now offering to sell the "country" for $977 million. You can check out the ins and outs of this tiny "nation" at their "website" sealandgov.org. You can also read a first-hand account of "touring" Sealand at London Photos. "I" thought that was "interesting." Always wanted my own "country."

News Nuggets

NATIONAL
An old woman was trapped in her closet during a hurricane for twenty hours straight before she finally broke out. Said Tom Cruise, "That's nothing. I've been trapped in a closet for over twenty years."

A tiger escaped from its zoo enclosure and mauled three teenagers in San Francisco. Police believe the teens were drunk and under the influence of alcohol, and may have been yelling and throwing rocks at the tiger, as well as dangling their legs over the edge of the wall before it attacked them. The tiger had to be euthanized, but was given a posthumous award for improving the gene pool of the human race.

The governor of New York Eliot Spitzer admitted his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. Spitzer apologized and promised that from now on, he'll involve himself in low-class prostitution rings like everyone else.

Meanwhile, Spitzer's call girl was discovered in archival footage exposing herself for the DVD series "Girls Gone Wild." GGW has announced plans to make the footage into a special DVD, "Governors' Hookers Gone Wild." In the announcement, GGW added, "Our plan of filming every young drunk woman in America topless is finally paying off."

INTERNATIONAL
Lloyd's has insured the nose of winemaker Ilja Gort for eight million dollars. That gives Gort the most expensive boogers ever.

SCIENCE
A new Canadian robot named Dextre was installed outside the International Space Station. The robot is designed to assist astronauts in spacewalks. It also helps the astronauts improve their hockey, eh?

Facebook has added new features designed to protect users' privacy. The best way to safeguard your privacy with Facebook? Don't use Facebook.

Workers discovered the remains of a mummified dinosaur. Steven Spielberg has already bought the fossil for his next movie, "Jurassic Mummy Returns."

See you next Tuesday.

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part Two

Last week, we covered the bizarre evil clone of Mickey Mouse promoting Palestinian bombing. On the other lighter end of the spectrum, we have the recently-discovered Shijingshan Amusement Park in China. The amazing thing about the park is that it's basically a small-scale replica of Disneyland. Somehow, the Chinese managed to keep it a secret until May 2007. Not allowing people to come in or out of the country probably helped. The funniest part about this story to me is how the Chinese tried to say that it wasn't a copy of Disneyland. Take a look at some of the costumed characters. There's Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, even Shrek! Yeah, that's a coincidence.

The interesting thing is that, even though the Chinese quickly took these characters off the park when news broke on it, the Chinese themselves have a very casual attitude towards copyrights. My favorite quote by a Chinese housewife: "I don’t understand why that is such a big problem. Shouldn’t others be able to use those characters besides [Disney]?" Uh, no. That's what copyright means.

Best link on this debacle is at Japan Probe.

News Nuggets

ENTERTAINMENT
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:

NATIONAL
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.

SPORTS
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"

See you next Tuesday.

Breaking News From the New Yuk Times

This just in from the New Yuk Times: Local Cult Fails To Gain Popularity

Bizarro Mickey Mouse: Part One

Two stories that broke recently seemed to connect in my mind, so I'll discuss them both. It seems that in two other countries, it's been revealed that people are using unauthorized copies of Mickey Mouse, and doing so in nefarious ways.

On the one hand, we have Tomorrow's Pioneers, a Palestinian children's show hosted by Farfour, a Mickey Mouse look-a-like who preaches the destruction of Israel to little children. You can actually watch a clip on YouTube and it's pretty shocking. The show includes children reading poems with lines like "It is the time of death, we will fight a war." Farfur also criticizes President Bush. Just what we all want in a children's show - political rhetoric. Not surprisingly, Disney isn't too happy about it. There's a great quote from Walt Disney's own daughter calling the character "pure evil." Can't argue too much about that.

After international outcry, the character of Farfour was taken off the show, but amazingly, they actually killed him! In this clip, we see Farfour being given the land of Palestine by his grandfather, and then the Jewish conspiracy (for some reason, in the form of a P. Diddy-like black man) tries to bribe and then stabs Farfour to death to get the land. They actually martyred a cartoon character in front of its underage audience. No matter how you feel about the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians, I hope we can all agree that's not something children need to be exposed to. Although I personally wouldn't mind seeing Barney getting stabbed to death...

Part two coming up.

Pants On Fire: The Missing Pants Lawsuit

I've always been a defender of the so-called "frivolous lawsuits" trumpeted in the media as another example of the law system gone wild. Usually, these lawsuits are more complex than they seem. The crown jewel, the so-called McDonald's hot coffee lawsuit, was in fact a case of a woman getting severe burns requiring surgery. That said, the recent case of a man suing a dry cleaners for $54 million for losing his pants is exactly what it seems, if not worse. The worst part, to me, is that the plaintiff is a judge. He should know better. This gives all lawyers a bad name, as if they had a good name to begin with.

Related:
Jokebook: Truck vs. Lawyer
Too Hot For Court

Total Collapse: Zimbabwe

On a more serious note, I've been following the situation in the African country of Zimbabwe for many years, mainly because very few other Americans seem to be. And a recent article has, I think, driven home the point. Basically, it predicts that the country will collapse by the end of the year. Inflation is doubling every month, there is almost no food production, the utilities are barely functioning, and the police earn less than the aid workers that are trying to help them. Zimbabwe's money has become so devalued that people are paid in food rather than cash. We're looking at a country that will have no functioning government or economic system in six months. And no one is doing anything about it.

Cold Snap: Winter Comes To Phoenix

They've had a "cold snap" here in Phoenix over the last few days, in the twenties at night. On Saturday, the local news literally gave advice on how to deal with the cold spell. The advice? Take your dogs and cats in, and use an extra blanket at night. Thanks. Like I'd be lying in bed and going, "Oh, the newswoman just said to put on an extra blanket! Because my plan on dealing with the cold was to strip naked and dive into a bathtub full of ice cubes. What a relief to have such wise advice." I'll take advice on dealing with weather from a Phoenix native when I see one carrying an umbrella in the rain. Don't get me started on that.

Toe Jam: Pet Chews off Baby's Toes

Here's the feel-good story for the year - a mother and father pled guilty to criminal negligence after they woke up in the middle of the night to find their baby's toes had been eaten off by one of their pets. Amazingly, they still don't know and are arguing over which of their pets ate their baby's feet, but considering the two pets in question are a Pit Bull puppy and a ferret, both of which were left unattended with the baby, I don't know why it matters. How would you like to be that kid growing up? Sounds like another...

CONVERSATION OF THE FUTURE

Daughter: Hey, Mom?
Mother: Yes, Gimpy?
Daughter: You know, I never asked before, but what happened to my toes? Was I born this way?
Mother: Well, no. You see, uh, one of our pets ate your toes when you were a baby.
Daughter: Ate my toes? Was it Fluffy, our pit bull or Rocky, our ferret?
Mother: Well, we're not really sure. We didn't see it happen.
Daughter: Wow. How'd it happen?
Mother: That's actually an interesting story. It seems our pets were out, and you were in a high chair, and one of them chewed your toes off.
Daughter: Oh my goodness. And you couldn't stop them?
Mother: Well, no. We were asleep.
Daughter: Oh, in another room?
Mother: No, actually, we were asleep on a mattress right next to you.
Daughter: Oh, so it happened so quickly that you couldn't stop it.
Mother: Uh, no, the doctors say it must have taken over an hour to get all four of them off.
Daughter: Uh, and you didn't hear me screaming?
Mother: Well, honey, your father and I had a lot to drink that night and kind of passed out...
Daughter: I don't believe this. You let one of your animals eat my toes off?
Mother: Well, if it makes you feel any better, we got felony convictions for it.
Daughter: It doesn't.
Mother: Oh. Um...can I make you some pancakes?

Those Mannequins Are Bootylicious

Jennifer Lopez opened a huge can of worms, notifying the White population that stick-thin models aren't always the most attractive. And people are listening. Not only are there more products, ad campaigns, and clothes pushing a curvier figure, there are even mannequins. The New York Times did a story about how there's a new trend in mannequins to make them more curvaceous.

O.J. Simpson Is Guilty: If I Did It

I've always been a staunch defender of the innocence of O.J. Simpson. I thought there was enough doubt (the lack of a witness, the lack of a murder weapon, the obvious police bias, the lack of blood in O.J.'s house) to believe he had at least a chance at innocence. More than anything else, I felt that it wasn't our place to decide a man's guilty or innocence in the court of public opinion. And then came If I Did It. In case you haven't heard, O.J. Simpson has a new book coming out that is a "fictional" account of what might have happened if O.J. Simpson had killed Nicole and Ron Goldman. An innocent man wouldn't do this. An innocent O.J. Simpson would have written a book about what evidence he's uncovered in ten years that cleared him of the murders. And it wasn't a stupid idea that O.J. was forced into - he suggested it to his publisher! And the amount of detail in the book apparently is more than can be chalked up to imagination. Even his own publisher is openly calling it a confession. Thanks for clearing that up, O.J. Finally, the debate is over.

Flashback Friday: Square Pegs

Before Sarah Jessica Parker had sex in the city, there was Square Pegs. This was a short-lived series about a couple of nerds in high school, but I remember it capturing a sense of teen angst that I'd never seen before. It also introduced me to a lot of '80's concepts that I didn't get going to my school (I wasn't even in high school then), like New Wave music, valley girls, the term "nerds," and leg-warmers. I also have had the theme song stuck in my head for twenty years. This show is also notable as one of SJP's first acting gigs. Who knew it would lead to fame and fortune? I still think she's ugly, but whatever. Maybe that's why I find her so unattractive, because I always see her with those glasses and nerdy look. Nice body, though.

Fun Facts:
* The title of the show was a reference to the characters trying to fit in, but not being able to - square pegs trying to fit into round holes.
* The theme song was performed by a group called The Waitresses, who apparently never did anything else ever again. Paul Shaffer did additional music. Figure that one out.
* The high school they went to was Weemawee High School. They didn't even try to make it realistic.
* Bill Murray did a guest shot as a substitute teacher.
* The show only lasted for one season from 1982 to 1983.
* The cancellation of the show was blamed, in part, on drug use on the set. If that was the case today, we'd never keep shows on the air.
* In China, they adapted the show into a hit series called Life Made Simple about a mentally-retarded man in his mid-thirties who goes to high school. I don't know how that worked. Do they have valley girls in China?
* There are calls for this show to be released on DVD. Something tells me it's going to be a little dated.

Links: There's a good overview at TV.com. By far, the best Square Pegs website I could find was the Square Pegs Shrine. And of course, there's the old standard, IMDB. Wikipedia, of course, does it up right. There are some sound files at Tim's TV showcase, including the theme song.

Related:
Flashback Friday: Photon
Flashback: Madballs
Flashback Friday: Electric Dreams

Better Off Dead: Kenneth Lay

Well, Enron's Kenneth Lay is dead. He died before he served even one day of jail time. I think it's a sign of how much damage Kenneth Lay did that it seems like he got away with it. Death is literally too good for Lay. All I wanted was one day in prison. One day where there was no one there to cater to his every whim. No fancy meals, no cushy seats, no exotic countries, no plush beds. I mean, the guy died in his frickin' home in Aspen. I just hope the heart attack was painful. And I hope it was brought on by stress. Severe, agonizing stress at the thought of going to jail. Scumbag.

Static Shock: Static Electricity Starts Fire

The is one of those stories that seemed too outrageous to be true, but I've found multiple sources, for what that's worse. Today, we consider the story of Frank Clewer, an Australian man went for a job interview in a nylon jacket and a wool shirt. Sounds nice. But as he walked into the building, his clothing generated so much static electricity that it set the carpet on fire. The fire department estimated that his clothes carried a charge of 40,000 volts. He even left scorch marks on the carpet and melted plastic in his car. This reminds me of the Dilbert cartoon where Dogbert walks over a carpet to build up a charge and calls himself Dog of Thunder. We could harness this as a new renewable energy source. All we have to do is have a bunch of guys wearing wool and nylon clothes walking on a carpet all day long. Every now and then, they touch an electrode to discharge the energy. Or make them women jogging in wool bikinis, and make it a pay-per-view. Guys will pay to watch it, subsidizing the cost. Not as efficient as solar or wind power, but sounds a lot more fun.

The Bad Samaritans: David Sharp Dies On Everest

So this is where the world has come to...David Sharp, doing a solo climb on Mount Everest, collapsed because of lack of oxygen. Forty people passed the dying man, including double amputee New Zealand climber Mark Inglis, but none of them did anything to help him. Even Sir Hillary, the first man to climb Mount Everest, calls it a crime that no one helped this poor soul. These days, people care more about fame and themselves than a fellow human being. The saddest part is that the dying man told his mother being leaving that he would be okay. He said, "You are never on your own. There are climbers everywhere." He forgot to add, "But they won't care about me."
Categories: news

Nightmare in Katrina

Last year, a local radio DJ nicknamed Kid was kicked off the air for criticising the survivors of Hurricane Katrina. He had the nerve to say they deserved what was happening to them because they should have left when they had the chance. If Kid still believes he did the right thing by criticizing the Hurricane Katrina survivors, he should watch this video. A famous Louisiana singer literally walked into a news station, sat down, and told her story. Anyone who isn't moved by her telling this story of rape, murder, and alligator attacks should check themselves for a pulse.
Categories: news