Call Center Comics: Spelling B

Call Center Comics: Stupid Questions

Fun in a Call Center: Worker's Con

I think I would like to work in the worker's comp department. I find those insurance claims so interesting, especially when you get into questions about the authenticity of the claim. Sometimes I go back and read the follow-up notes on claims I've entered. I read one claim where the driver claims he was robbed in Texas and hit in the neck, but his movement shows he wasn't in Texas on the day he claims. He also claimed someone had to help him out of bed this morning, to which the adjuster wrote in her notes "How??? He's a solo driver and would have had to get out of bed to get someone to help him out of his bed."

There was another one where a janitor claimed he hurt his back. First of all, he claimed he hurt himself on Sunday, but when his supervisor pointed out that he didn't work on weekends, he claims the injury occurred on Friday but he didn't feel it until Sunday. Then he claimed he hurt himself working the floor polisher when it tipped over and he tried to straighten it. Well, it turns out that the only time they use the floor cleaner is at night and he works during the day, plus the ladies' room is being remodeled, so the floor cleaner wasn't being used that day. Idiots. We're not stupid.

Fun in a Call Center: You Might Be a Redneck

One time, I took an insurance claim from a trucker who had driven off the road. The trucker said the last thing he remembered before the crash had been listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD. Well, after talking to the doctors about what had happened, the doctors think that he laughed so hard that he blacked out. If you're driving a truck and listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD and laugh so hard that you black out and drive off the road…you might be a redneck.

Fun in a Call Center: By Any Other Name

You know one of the most annoying call openings I get? Here it is.

ME: Hi, my name is [Monkey Migraine]. Can I get the ID number, please?
MRS. JOHNSON: This is Mrs. Johnson in Fort Lauderdale. Where’s my Yoyodyne?

How am I supposed to know where your Yoyodyne is, you old bat? You think there’s just one Mrs. Johnson in our system? There’s thousands of them. Oh, you told me you’re in Fort Lauderdale. That narrows it down…to only a couple hundred! Or maybe I should know automatically, like say, “Oh, hi, Mrs. Johnson? How’s your son, Richard? Nice to hear from you again.” No, I need an ID number. Or a prescription number. Or at least your first name, you senile old coot!

That’s what I wish I could say.

Fun in a Call Center: English Lessons

ME: How can I help you today?
MRS. REDNECK: Okay, I need you to get me over to somebody who’s in the Continental US who speaks English right now.
ME: Ma’am, I speak English. I’m in Tempe, Arizona.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I can’t understand you. I can’t understand your accent.
MR. REDNECK: [background] What’s goin’ on?
MRS. REDNECK: [whisper] He says he’s in Tempe, Arizona.
MR. REDNECK: [background] Well, get somebody else.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I need you to transfer me to somebody who I can freakin’ understand, somebody who speaks English as their native language.
ME: Ma’am, English is my native language.
MRS. REDNECK: Well, I want somebody else. Get me a supervisor.

Gladly. Like I said before, not all call centers these days are staffed by people in Bora Bora.

Related Posts:
Fun in a Call Center: Pango

Fun in a Call Center: Happy Birthday

I had a call from an old woman who had a really hard time understanding me. I mean, when I asked for her name, she gave me her address. I ended the call this way:

ME: Anything else I can help you with?
MRS. MAGOO: No.
ME: Thanks for calling. You have a nice day.
[Mrs. Magoo forgets to hang up and I can still hear her]
MRS. MAGOO:He said "Happy birthday."
MR. MAGOO: He said "happy birthday?"
MRS. MAGOO: Yes, my birthday is last week and he said "happy birthday."

I didn't say "happy birthday," I said "have a nice day!"

Fun in a Call Center: That's My Bush

After advising the patient that there was an error on her prescription...

ME: Sorry about that.
HILLARY: Oh, that's okay. It's not your fault. I don't know whose fault it is. Let's say it's Bush's fault. That's it. It's Bush's fault. D**n Bush!

Fun in a Call Center: Mechanically Inclined

ME: Are you calling for yourself or someone else?
MRS BITTER: My husband.
ME: Does he have an email address he'd like us to keep on file?
MRS BITTER: No. He can't even operate a telephone.

Something tells me that marriage is a wee bit strained.

Fun in a Call Center: Jews in Kansas

I got a call from someone in Kansas who said the following:

DOROTHY: Her name is Jew-Wah-Nee-Tah Lewis.
ME: Could you spell the first name for me?
DOROTHY: J-U-A-N-I-T-A.

I'm guessing they don't have too many Hispanics in Kansas.

Fun in a Call Center: A Girl Named William

I got a call from a woman named William. I cannot imagine what would possess someone to name their girl William. Maybe the parents wanted a boy or the father really wanted to name the child after himself. I also cannot imagine the nightmare William goes through on a daily basis. Is there anyone out there who would look at the name William and not assume it's a man? Everything she does would be affected. She goes to the drugstore and they ask her if she's picking up medication for her husband. She gets married, and people protest, thinking it's a gay marriage. People filling out forms for her accidentally set her gender to "male." People call her on the phone, and they start out calling her "sir." That would wear you down so fast.

Patriotic Colors: Coloring to Support the Troops

It does get boring in a call center sometimes, so people come up with ways to amuse themselves. For a while, some people were using coloring books and crayons. What I found absolutely bizarre is that they would collect up the pages they colored and send them to the troops in Iraq. Why would the troops in Iraq want these? I imagine them opening the envelope and finding all these colored pictures and saying, "Isn't that cute? All these kids drawing us pictures." Not realizing they were colored by forty and fifty-year old men and women.

Fun in a Call Center: Pango

This started when I was spelling out a medication for a caller.

ME: "A" as in "Alpha," "T" as in "Tango. Okay?
OLDIE: I see. Sir, what does "pango" mean in your language?
ME: [pause] "Pango?"
OLDIE: Yes, "pango."
ME: Oh, no, I said "tango." Like the dance.
OLDIE: Oh, "tango." Like a "T."

Believe it or not, there are still a few call centers that are not staffed in India or Bora Bora.

Fun in a Call Center: Name Game

[I had a really bad case of the flu that day and my nose was completely stuffed up. To get the full experience of this call, read it out loud.]
ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER: What?

ME: Dayb. Your dayb.

CALLER: I don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Your firdst ad lads dayb.

CALLER: My what?

ME: Dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb.

CALLER: I'm sorry, I still don't understand.

ME: Your dayb. Dayb. Your first ad lads dayb. You dow, lyg Jod or Jill.

CALLER: Oh, my name?

ME: Yes.

CALLER: Oh, okay. [Caller gives name and completes the call. New call comes in...]

ME: Bay I hab your dayb?

CALLER2: My what?

ME: Your dayb?

CALLER2: What?

[Repeat this script sixty or so times. That's what that day was like.]