News Nuggets 2/25/2013

Seth MacFarlane hosted the Academy Awards. Some in the audience were put off by the fact that he performed most of the show dressed as Matt Groening, and kept interrupting the show with random skits from Saturday Night Live.

Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop died at 96. Shortly afterward, President Obama announced his promotion to Undertaker General.

Secretary of State John Kerry defends liberties, saying Americans have a "right to be stupid." The American people would have responded with outrage, but were too busy watching American Idol.

HP sold its webOS operating system to LG Electronics. Many consumers responded with, "What's webOS?"

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

NATIONAL

The transition from analog to digital television was achieved successfully. However, more than two million households in the United States were unready for the transition to digital television. In other news, more than two million households in the United States are full of idiots.

INTERNATIONAL

An Air France jet crashed into the Atlantic. Experts believe the airplane crashed when it surrendered to the weather conditions.

In Pakistan, public opinion is starting to turn against the Taliban. For some reason, the stonings, car bombings, and burqas have been somewhat of a turn-off.

Venezuela banned Coke Zero, called it a "danger to health." Apparently, it's considered dangerous in Venezuela to sell a drink that has zero cocaine in it.

ENTERTAINMENT

Chastity Bono announced that she plans to get a sex change operation. One benefit? After the operation, she'll be able to sing a duet of "I've Got You, Babe" with herself.

The Anne Frank museum announced plans to display her actual diaries. The biggest surprise to visitors? They were written on pink notepaper with glitter ink.

SCIENCE

The next Space Shuttle crew is ready for launch, and includes a singer. The crew will be filming the first episode of "Intergalactic Idol." The crew's next order of business will be to find evidence of life in Paula Abdul's music career.

The World Health Organization officially upgraded Swine flu to a pandemic, the first in 41 years. In response, Congress tried to pass a law that would help prepare the country for a swine flu epidemic. However, some members of Congress blocked the bill, because it was full of pork.

Japan's first lunar probe has ended its mission. The mission is considered a success, despite the fact that they couldn't find any big-eyed, big-headed women with purple hair and cat ears. The lunar probe transformed into a giant robot and flew home.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

NATIONAL
United Airlines raised fuel surcharges ten to twenty dollars for round trip tickets. In a related story, anger and frustration among passengers raised by ten to twenty percent.

Texas Child Protective Services raided a Mormon fundamentalist polygamist compound and took over four hundred children into protective custody. The officials believed that the children were being physically and verbally abused, and exposed to inappropriate sexual activity. Early reports indicate the children were being cared for by Britney Spears.

SCIENCE
NASA is going to be extending the mission of the Cassini spacecraft that's currently touring Saturn and its moons for two more years. NASA also added tour dates in London, New York, and Sydney, and an opening act by Green Day.

An environmental group found six million pounds of trash on the world's beaches. But they managed to get Rosie O'Donnell back into the water.

The EPA urged residents of the Great Lakes not to flush old medications down the toilet, where they could later contaminate water supplies. Instead, the EPA urged them to sell their old medications to teenagers for a substantial profit.

Scientists warned that a big earthquake is likely to hit California in the near future. California residents filed the warning in the same folder they put the last fifty years' worth of warnings by scientists about a big quake likely to hit California.

SPORTS
Tiger Woods' hopes of completing a grand slam by winning all four major golf tournaments this year were dashed when he failed to win the Masters. Some commentators are worried that Tiger's failed grand slam bid might lower TV ratings for the rest of the tournaments. But a bigger problem would be for viewers to realize there's nothing more boring than watching golf on television.

The Olympic torch was carried through San Francisco on its journey to Beijing. Residents were surprised by the massive protests to the flame, since California usually welcomes Tom Cruise.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

NATIONAL
An old woman was trapped in her closet during a hurricane for twenty hours straight before she finally broke out. Said Tom Cruise, "That's nothing. I've been trapped in a closet for over twenty years."

A tiger escaped from its zoo enclosure and mauled three teenagers in San Francisco. Police believe the teens were drunk and under the influence of alcohol, and may have been yelling and throwing rocks at the tiger, as well as dangling their legs over the edge of the wall before it attacked them. The tiger had to be euthanized, but was given a posthumous award for improving the gene pool of the human race.

The governor of New York Eliot Spitzer admitted his involvement in a high-class prostitution ring. Spitzer apologized and promised that from now on, he'll involve himself in low-class prostitution rings like everyone else.

Meanwhile, Spitzer's call girl was discovered in archival footage exposing herself for the DVD series "Girls Gone Wild." GGW has announced plans to make the footage into a special DVD, "Governors' Hookers Gone Wild." In the announcement, GGW added, "Our plan of filming every young drunk woman in America topless is finally paying off."

INTERNATIONAL
Lloyd's has insured the nose of winemaker Ilja Gort for eight million dollars. That gives Gort the most expensive boogers ever.

SCIENCE
A new Canadian robot named Dextre was installed outside the International Space Station. The robot is designed to assist astronauts in spacewalks. It also helps the astronauts improve their hockey, eh?

Facebook has added new features designed to protect users' privacy. The best way to safeguard your privacy with Facebook? Don't use Facebook.

Workers discovered the remains of a mummified dinosaur. Steven Spielberg has already bought the fossil for his next movie, "Jurassic Mummy Returns."

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

ENTERTAINMENT
World-famous French mime Marcel Marceau died on September 22, 2007. In his memory, we present the following transcript of his eulogy:

NATIONAL
An audit of the Ronald Reagan presidential library revealed that tens of thousands of valuable items stored there were either lost or unaccounted for. Upon further examination, it turned out the Reagan library just forgot where they put them.

SPORTS
Barry Bonds was angered by the decision by famed designer Mark Ecko to brand his home run baseball with an asterisk and submit it to the Hall of Fame. Bonds has said he will not appear in the Hall of Fame if the baseball is accepted there. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was quoted as saying, "That's fine, Bonds. We'll just put the asterisk on your home run record, instead. Would that be more satisfactory to ya, huh?"

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

INTERNATIONAL
The United States continued to clash with the international community over how to deal with Iran's nuclear weapons ambitions. Some say that a military option should be employed. Others say that a diplomatic solution would be best. Others believe that economic sanctions should be employed. Still others believe that the new X-Men movie rocks.

U.S.
The president announced a new treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, to replace the former treasury secretary, Tony Snow. In response to the new appointment, the American people were quoted as saying "What's a treasury secretary?"

SPORTS
Jason Grimsley was released from the Diamondbacks after the federal government raided his house in a steroid investigation. The Diamondbacks confirmed that it was Grimsley who requested to be released, and the team oblidged, adding that they hoped the door didn't hit him on the way out.

The Diamondbacks also made history when they released Russ Ortiz in the middle of his contract. The team will owe Ortiz twenty-two million dollars making this the most expensive buyout in major league baseball history. Sources inside the team blame the disastrous decision on the fact that their general manager is on steroids.

ENTERTAINMENT
The new movie The Da Vinci Code was released to strong ticket sales. The movie involves a mystery behind a museum curator's death that unfolds a conspiracy behind Jesus Christ's death. The biggest mystery? How anyone could stay awake during the movie.

The Omen was released on the sixth day of the sixth month of the sixth year of the new century. The movie opened to big box office, right up until every theater showing the movie was struck by lightning.

News Nuggets

INTERNATIONAL

Australians held a contest to find the country's ugliest sheep. The winner will be flown to the United States to become the new First Lady of Arkansas.

The president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, applauded high oil prices and called on OPEC to cut production to raise prices even higher. The rest of the world called on Hugo Chavez to be beaten to death with fuel pump hoses.

The United States managed to assassinate the number one al-Qaeda operative in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Osama bin Laden was quoted as saying, "Glad they spent all that time looking for him instead of me."

U.S.
A new survey of college students found that iPods are more popular than beer. But the results have been questioned because the students taking the survey were drunk.

Fox crowned the nation's new American Idol, Taylor Hicks. At the same time, they crowned the nation's ugliest pop singer.

ENTERTAINMENT
Brad and Angelina had their baby this week. The baby has already been named as People's Most Beautiful Person for 2007.

Brad and Angelina sold their baby's first photos to People Magazine for 4.5 million dollars. They've already announced what they plan to do with it - pay for Angelina Jolie's yearly supply of lip balm.

In her divorce papers, Denise Richards accused her ex-husband Charlie Sheen of looking at a gay porn website. In response, the website's legal department released a statement that reads, "We prefer the term 'adult entertainment' to describe Mister Cruise's website."

Fox announced that it's planning a big-screen version of the hit TV series 24. There have been concerns about the success of the movie, since it'll be twenty-four hours long. Fox suggests packing a lunch.

SPORTS
Professional racing horse Barbaro broke its leg in the second race towards a Triple Crown win. Many fans worried about whether the horse would be shot, like other popular horses such as Horatio Nelson, Charismatic, and conservative commentator Ann Coulter.

The NHL playoffs went into full swing. And nobody cares.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

A new study shows that one-fourth of U.S. workers use their employers' Internet to look for other jobs. A similar study shows that one-fourth of U.S. workers are fired for being stupid.

Three hostages were freed in Iraq. They spent four months under the grip of ruthless religious fanatics bent on destruction. Unfortunately, some of Pat Robertson's church members escaped the compound.

Microsoft announced that its new version of the Windows operating system will be delayed. Looks like we'll have to wait a little longer for our computers to crash.

NASA has halted spacewalks on the space station due to defects in the handrails. They plan to make spacewalks safer by reinforcing the handrails, and gluing little rubber flowers to the outside of the space station.

The CDC reported an increase in resistant strains of tuberculosis around the world. And in a related story, on his recent world tour, Ozzie Osborn has been coughing a lot.

A new book, Game of Shadows, accuses Barry Bonds of taking steroids to boost his home-run totals. Bonds held a news conference to dispute the charges, but couldn't fit his head through the door.

Japan won the first-ever international World Baseball Classic. Cuba came in second place, but only because their players kept jumping over the walls to defect.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

HEADLINES

Violent protests swept the Muslim world over cartoons published in a Danish newspaper. The Muslim community is outraged by the fact that Garfield just isn't funny anymore.

Oil prices inched back above sixty dollars a barrel. And American SUV owners inched closer to suicide.

A new study found that women hold fewer state government posts than men. But women still hold more positions in the kitchen and making babies.

During a hearing, US Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff admitted there were lapses in the response to Hurricane Katrina, but only if you're willing to call the death and starvation of hundreds of American citizens a "lapse."

SPORTS

The 2006 Olympic Winter Games this week had the lowest ratings in twenty years, even losing to American Idol. Some have suggested boosting the popularity of the games by getting the figure skaters to sing while skating.

Rufus the Bull Terrier was awarded Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club. The dog celebrated his win by ripping out the judges' throats.

Wayne Gretsky insisted that he had no knowledge of an illegal gambling ring run by his assistant coach. This, despite the fact that his assistant coach changed his name to Vinnie "the Finger" Soprano.

SCIENCE

Scientists are studying powerful lightning storms on Saturn. Meanwhile, a San Francisco team of scientists is studying thunder on Uranus.

Internet search engines Google and Yahoo faced congressional hearings on their decision to filter out political websites and identify political dissidents in China. After asking how the companies could choose money over ethics, the Congressmen had to pause for the company representatives to stop laughing.

ENTERTAINMENT

Willie Nelson released the first mainstream gay cowboy song. It's called "When Tom Cruise Became a Cowboy."

U2 swept the Grammy Awards. During his acceptance speech, Bono choked to death on his own self-righteousness.

And Paul McCartney committed suicide after losing a Grammy award to a glorified karaoke singer, Kelly Clarkson.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

US HEADLINES
New York's transit strike finally came to an end after three days. Buses and trains began running again, to the relief of homeless people who were forced to urinate and sleep somewhere else.

The first Gulf Coast casino is set to reopen. The first prostitutes and drug dealers are close behind.

The TSA changed security guidelines to allow small scissors and nailclippers back onto planes. But they have still have restrictions against running through the aisles with them.

The parole board denied the request to release the ailing suicide advocate Dr. Kevorkian from prison. Kevorkian responded by saying, "You're just going to let me die? What kind of monster would let someone die and do nothing to stop it?"

INTERNATIONAL
The Mexican reacted with outrage over plans to create a bigger and stronger fence on the US border. Said President Vicente Fox, "This new fence could add a whole fifteen minutes to the trip."

A British newspaper handed over their video of supermodel Kate Moss using cocaine to the police. The police want to check the footage of a well-known celebrity taking drugs to see if there might be something unusual about it.

Eight people have been reported dead in a pipeline blast in Nigeria. Shell reacted quickly to the accident, saying, "This is a terrible tragedy. We've lost precious oil!"

In court, Saddam Hussein made the startling revelation that he was tortured by American forces. The news was greeted by an outpouring of sympathy by nobody.

Colombia began selling coca-leaf soda. It costs five hundred dollars a can.

The new Bolivian president may cause problems for President Bush, because it will force Bush to pronounce "Bolivia."

Because of a court ruling, Canadians can now have group sex in clubs. This news was almost enough to get Americans to pay attention to Canada.

A French ATM accidentally overpaid its customers in their withdrawals. Apparently, the ATM mistook someone on the camera as someone holding a gun and surrendered.

ENTERTAINMENT

Brokeback Mountain, a film about two gay cowboys, tops many critics' Oscar lists. However, the film might be in trouble because Tom Cruise has threatened a lawsuit for stealing his lifestory.

The cast of Lost was named entertainer of the year by Entertainment Weekly, showing that people in Hollywood can't count.

With fancy garb and designer accessories, Italy is praising the fashion sense of the new Pope Benedict. In fact, he's so popular that UPN will be airing a new show, The Vatican's Next Top Model.

Time magazine named Bill and Melinda Gates as the Persons of the Year. Unfortunately a bug in Windows erased all the records of the award.

Gwen Stefani has announced that she is pregnant. The unborn baby already has a hit single, "I Ain't No Hollaback Embryo."

Tiger Woods delayed his return to golfing to "recharge his batteries." The sports world was shocked that Tiger would find sailing around the world in his own private yacht with his Swedish supermodel wife slightly more attractive than walking around a lawn hitting golf balls.

A columnist predicted that 2006 could be the year that Apple CEO Jobs falls off his pedestal. He also predicted that 2006 will be the year when Ashlee Simpson will be exposed as a talentless fraud.

SCIENCE
More rings have been found around the planet Uranus. And more giggling has been found among schoolchildren.

The European Union may let genetically-modified crops into the organic food-green groups. They will push to create a new and important food group, the mutant food group.

A double-mouthed fish was pulled from a Nebraska lake. The fish was found in a lake next to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.

A U.S. judge rejected the practice of teaching intelligent design in classrooms. Instead, the judge embraced teaching intelligent re-decorating.

The FDA proposed reducing the allowable amount of lead in candy. However, the new rules face stiff opposition from powerful lobbyist, Willy Wonka.

Doctors successfully separated twins joined at the spine. The first thing the twins did? Aboslutely nothing, they're babies, what do you expect them to do, go water-skiing?

Scientists have discovered that honeybees can recognise people's faces. This study explains frequent reports of Mexican honeybees seeing the face of Jesus in their hives.

The European Union threatened Microsoft with a daily fine over their lack of promoting competition. The fine will be paid by Bill Gates' pocket change.

Low brain estrogen has linked to Alzheimer's in women. Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O'Donnell are considered most at risk

A baby penguin was kidnapped from a British Zoo. Authorities are looking for a house with an iceberg in the backyard.

Human footprints dating back to the Ice Age have been found a dry Australian lakebed. They have also found an imprint of a telephone being thrown at them by an ancestor of Russell Crowe.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

HEADLINES

Officials in New Orleans expressed fears about a mass exodus of residents from the city. They believe flooding, toxic chemicals, ruined infrastructure, and threats of future flooding may make New Orleans look slightly unattractive.

Gore announced that he does not plan to run for President. He plans instead to invent a new Internet. And just for the record, I don't plan to run, either.

Hurricane Wilma slammed into the East Coast, but caused less damage than feared. However, there are fears that other storms could elevate into Hurricane Fred and Hurricane Bam-Bam.

The Iraqis managed to pass a new constitution after considering compromises. The constitution now calls for them to try to kill each other only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Two New Orleans police officers shown on video beating a subdued and unarmed man denied that they used excessive force. They claimed to be merely massaging his head with their fists.

An Arkansas mother gave birth to her sixteenth child. The mother was quoted as saying, "Now I have as many babies as I have teeth."

SCIENCE

A new study shows that exercise can trim deep abdominal fat. The same study shows that sleep can reduce fatigue, and drinking liquids can reduce thirst.

Anthropologists uncovered an ancient jawbone of a prehistoric human. The bone's large size proves that it came from an ancestor of Jay Leno.

Medical reports among the elderly show that overall cholesterol levels are falling, but funny smell levels went up.

Scientists warned of the dangers of a future pandemic caused by Avian bird flu. They say the flu can be identified by its secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

ENTERTAINMENT

Van Gogh drawings are going to be exhibited in New York. Muggers honored the occasion by cutting off their victims' left ears.

After rumors spread that their wedding was a hoax, photos released to tabloids confirmed that Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore did indeed get married. Kutcher complained, "Why won't anyone believe me? It's not like I have a history of lying."

Angelina Jolie received a Humanitarian Award from the United Nations. They said that she benefited the human race with her tireless efforts to raise awareness of refugees, feeding the hungry, and getting naked in movies.

SPORTS

The Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs, showing that the Boston Red Sox' pact with Satan is secure.

Duke's Mike Krzyzewski has been chosen to coach the next Olympic basketball team. The first order of business? Teaching players how to pronounce his name.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: news

News Nuggets

HEADLINES

O.J. Simpson was convicted of stealing cable television. He immediately started the hunt for the real cable thieves.

A faulty electrical system caused an explosion in San Francisco that blew the cover off a flaming manhole. However, Tom Cruise is expected to recover.

SPORTS

A man jumped from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium onto the net behind home plate. His friends claimed that he jumped to see if the net could hold him. Unfortunately for the gene pool of the human race, he survived.

ENTERTAINMENT

Paris Hilton showed off her new shorter haircut, which she said was inspired by her trip to Europe. And in other news, millions of women got haircuts without calling the press to notify them or explain their decision.

Madonna was trampled when she fell off a horse on her birthday. This proves, once and for all, that Madonna is a bad ride.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy

News Nuggets - Hurricane Katrina Edition

Hurricane Katrina struck the East Coast, causing enormous devastation. To keep the flooding from affecting tourism, the governor has renamed New Orleans "the Venice of America." Women on Bourbon Street are still flashing people for beads, but that's so they can tie them together and make a rope to escape. The flooding has been so bad that the governor has proposed gathering animals by twos.

Support is being sent from all over the country. National Guard troops from California, police officers from Minnesota, and looters from Los Angeles. Of course, the looters are easy to spot. Just look for the guy sitting around with no food, no water, no house, and a big-screen TV.

The oil industry warned that oil refineries have been damaged by the hurricane, raising prices further. Unfortunately, the spokesman couldn't get through the announcement without bursting into uncontrolled giggling.

But laughs followed when it turned out the whole hurricane episode was an elaborate prank by Ashton Kutcher for a future episode of Punk'd.

See you next Tuesday.
Categories: comedy

News Nuggets

WORLD

A plane crashed in Canada, but all three hundred passengers and crew survived with only minor injuries. Afterwards, the survivors went home to find a card on their car windshield that asked "Have you ever been sick" with the address for the Limited Edition comic book store.

The Olympics dropped softball and baseball as sports in the upcoming games.
Some have accused the Olympics of anti-Americanism, particularly because the Olympics are also banning Mom and apple pie.

SPORTS
After his fight, a professional boxer was discovered to be HIV-positive. The incident caused an uproar over safety standards in the boxing industry. It's okay for two men to beat each other into unconsciousness and cause serious long-term brain damage, but heaven forbid they catch AIDS.

The US women's lacrosse team caused an uproar when they wore flip-flops to a meeting with President Bush. The incident led to many questions about etiquette and formal dress in America. But an even bigger question asked was, "What's lacrosse?"

ENTERTAINMENT
Roman Polanski won a libel suit against a tabloid that claimed he flirted with a model on the way to his wife's funeral. Polanski said the story cast him as an unloving husband. Now he'll only be thought of as a fugitive convicted pedophile.

James Doohan, the actor who played Scottie the engineer on the TV series Star Trek, died. In honor of the Scottish heritage of his character, Star Trek fans all got drunk and cheap.

Lindsay Lohan collapsed during a workout at a gym. She's expected to recover. Apparently, a piece of food got into her mouth.

SCIENCE
NASA crashed an object into a comet to judge the effects. NASA insisted there was no danger, despite naming it Operation Deep Impact, the title of a movie about a comet crashing into Earth and destroying all life.

Studies showed that long-term use of Viagra may cause blindness, but this news did not affect sales. Apparently, old men would rather be blind and happy.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

HEADLINES

The inventor of the frozen TV dinner died this week. Unfortunately, he went to Hell, where he will be eternally roasted with one corner of the plastic peeled back and stirred every five minutes.

New York released plans for the replacement of the World Trade Center, dubbed the Freedom Tower. The Tower is designed with a solid base that is intended to make the building completely bomb-proof, which means Madonna's movies will not be allowed inside.

A second case of Mad Cow Disease has been traced to a cow in Texas. Fearing another ban on American beef worldwide, the FDA insisted it was merely a case of Slightly Annoyed Cow Disease.

A new study showed that one in three Americans believe in ghosts, but further investigation showed they were just watching the Michael Jackson trial.

The launch of the space shuttle Discovery was delayed in order to examine the fuel system. It's all part of NASA's radical new policy, "Don't kill the astronauts."

ENTERTAINMENT

Brad Pitt contracted viral meningitis after traveling to Ethiopia with Angelina Jolie. When asked in the hospital whether he regretted the trip, Pitt said, "Risk contracting a potentially fatal illness to hang out with Angelina Jolie? It's worth it."

Harry Potter's new book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince has sold millions of copies in its first week of release,. J.K. Rowling, the author of the Harry Potter series, attributes her success to hard work, imagination, and a pact with Satan.

The movie War of the Worlds was released. It's about Tom Cruise suing extraterrestrials for telling the National Enquirer that he was anally probed.

In an interview, Tom Cruise went into another rant about the evils of psychiatry. He also ranted against more money, a nose job, and other things he badly needs

SPORTS

The players and owners of the National Hockey League signed a new collective bargaining agreement, allowing the game's return after a year's lockout. The most common response to the news by the general public: "What's hockey?"

Danny Way broke a world's record when he jumped a skateboard over the Great Wall of China. An hour later, he wanted to jump it again.

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

WORLD

Newsweek published an article claiming that US interrogators in military prisons flushed a copy of the Koran down the toilet. The US Army argued that the act was justified, because the Koran is two-ply.

ENTERTAINMENT

The movie Batman Begins was released to good success, and reviving the comic book franchise. They're already planning the spin-off Fatman Begins, about the career of Ruben Studdard.

The movie Fantastic Four was released to record-breaking ticket sales. The movie is about Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry's boobs.

Through interviews and editorials, Tom Cruise got into a heated argument with actress Brooke Shields over the use of drugs to treat post-natal depression. Man, you know Tom Cruise is in trouble when he's losing an argument with Brooke Shields.

Dozens of singers and performers participated in Live-8, a worldwide concert to promote debt relief in Africa. When asked to comment, Africa said, "Couldn't they just send us some money?"

SPORTS

The Olympics announced that it would award the 2012 Olympics to the city of Lodon, rejecting the predicted favorite, Paris. Paris has been rejected for all three of its bids in the last twenty years, proving once and for all that everyone hates the French.

Nike has decided to go back to using Kobe Bryant in its advertising. Their new slogan? "Just Do It, Then Settle Out of Court."

See you next Tuesday.

News Nuggets

The U.S. Army has blamed "influencers," adults who discourage young people from enlisting, for its failures to meet recruitment goals in recent months. Some have suggested another factor discouraging recruitment could be what is known as "getting killed."

A 45-year-old man in Maine was arrested when he was found hiding in the sewage tank of a women's outhouse. The old man's alibi? He apparently mistook the sewage tank for an episode of Being Bobby Brown.

A poll in In Touch magazine showed most women would want Jessica Simpson's hair. Most men polled wanted everything else.

Police briefly evacuated the U.S. Capitol when an airplane strayed into restricted airspace. This was considered a good test of the new homeland security plan, Operation Chinese Fire Drill.

Canada has announced that it will ban bulk exports of prescription drugs to the United States. This will finally bring to an end the threat of safe, cheap, effective drugs flooding our country.

News Nuggets

Tom Cruise proposed to Katie Holmes on the Eiffel Tower. Instead of an engagement ring, Cruise gave her a Tickle-Me Elmo doll, then took Holmes home so she could meet her curfew. Some pundits have found Cruise's unusually public romance to Holmes a little queer.

Two America West pilots were convicted of attempting to fly drunk. The two pilots were denied bail, because they are considered a flight risk.

Terri Schiavo's autopsy showed that before her death, she suffered extensive brain damage and was blind. These results were not unexpected. The first clue came when Schiavo was seen enjoying episodes of "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic."

The trial of Michael Jackson ended with a "not guilty" verdict on all charges. When asked what he would do next, Jackson said, "I'm going to Disneyland."

A hundred-and-five year-old man died days after his eightieth wedding anniversary. The man's final statement was "Finally."

The search continues for a missing high school honor student in Aruba. A videocamera caught footage of her getting into a car with a group of strange men right before she disappeared. Many were shocked that a drunken blonde would do something so stupid.

A constitution for the European Union was rejected by the French public. One concern was the clause requiring France to contribute soldiers to an EU army. French president Jacques Chirac said, "Couldn't we just surrender now and get it over with?"

A young boy died after visiting a ride at Epcot Center. The boy's death has raised concerns that the ride is too dangerous, which has drawn attention to the Sulphuric Acid Teacups, the Buzzsaw Ride, and California Killer Bee Adventure rides.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity has been plummeting in recent polls. Gary Coleman issued a statement saying, "I'm looking pretty good now, aren't I?"

A new leaner, more athletic Ronald McDonald was launched by McDonald's in a new ad campaign. When children asked what happened to the old Ronald McDonald, the company said he died of a massive heart attack.

News Nuggets for 5/11/05

In an ABC special, a former contestant of American Idol accused judge Paula Abdul of coaching him and then having sex with him. Even more disturbing, he accused Simon Cowell of doing the same thing with Clay Aiken.

A long search for a missing bride revealed that she had faked her own kidnapping and fled to Las Vegas to escape the wedding. That's funny, I didn't even know Michael Jackson was engaged.

The prosecution rested its case in the trial against Michael Jackson. The prosecution team has impressed many during this trial by achieving what seemed to be impossible - making Michael Jackson look innocent.

News Nuggets

"People" magazine released its annual "50 Most Beautiful People" issue this week. Once again, by an astonishing coincedence, all fifty of them are rich and famous. Last year's most beautiful person, Jude Law, is not this year's most beautiful person, which means over the course of a year he has become hideously ugly.

George Lucas announced at a convention that he plans to create two Star Wars-themed television shows. Just what this world needs, another reason for geeks to stay indoors.

Toads have been mysteriously exploding in Germany in a case that's baffled scientists. One theory - the toads are being kissed by Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Yes, Prince Charles did marry his long-time mistress Camilla Parker-Bowles several weeks ago. The marriage caused massive earthquakes all over England from the Royal Family rolling in their collective graves. On the plus side, the prospect of Camilla becoming queen has driven British scientists on a quest to make the Queen Mother immortal.

Cars went out of control at a NASCAR race, causing a huge twenty-one car pileup that almost managed to make the race interesting. Officials claimed to be upset at the crash, but off-the-record were quoted as saying, "Them hicks sure do love the crashes."

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig called for a stronger drug-testing policy for the sport. The first and boldest step? Testing for drugs.