Breaking News From the New Yuk Times

This just in at the New Yuk Times: Man Kills Two and Self, Brought to you by McDonald's

Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts

I bought some hot fudge sundae Pop-Tarts. They taste good, but they
don't taste anything like a hot fudge sundae. There's no ice cream flavor at
all. It's really chocolate Pop-Tarts with sprinkles and white frosting as
the filling. They should have called it chocolate cake flavor. It doesn't
taste like that either, but it tastes more like chocolate cake than hot fudge
sundae. I should work for Pop-Tarts.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 20th Anniversary Edition

Way back in the 80's, I played a game called The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It was a text-based adventure game that included really cool stuff like a pair of Joo Janta Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses (also known as a cardboard pair of black glasses), a Don't Panic button, and a microscopic battle fleet (also known as an empty bag). I never finished it, and that's always annoyed me. Now I have a second chance with the 20th Anniversary Edition. Not only is it online and illustrated, it's also free. I'll get that Babel fish yet.

Movie Rules: Shooting Locks

Movie rule #28810 - Shooting a lock will automatically open or close a lock, depending on what's required.

You ever notice how in action movies, whenever someone shoots a lock, it does exactly what they need it to? This is especially true in science-fiction movies, which can be vague about exactly how the lock works. How many movies have you seen where the hero is escaping from a horde of enemy soldiers, runs through a door, then turns and blasts the door's lock with a laser gun, then we cut to the soldiers on the other side, banging on the door that no longer opens. Or cut to the other movie, where the hero has to get through a door, grabs his laser gun and blasts the lock, and the door obediently opens. You'd think the lock's designer would take shooting it into account and make it blaster-proof. When was the last time you saw a movie where the hero tried to open a door, then blasted the lock, and the heroine goes, "Great, you just melted the lock! Now we're really trapped in here!" I'd like to see that.

Related:
Movie Rules: Luck

Yellow Fever: Guys Who Like Asian Women

A while back, I read a Maxim interview with Lucy Liu where she trashed guys who are into Asian women, calling the phenomenon "yellow fever." I couldn't understand why she would be so hostile towards the Asian fixation until I did some research online. One, a memoir of what it's like to be an Asian woman and have guys treating her like a stereotype is sad. There's also a website that profiles the "asianophile," which makes some good points, although I think comparing them to pedophiles is a bit harsh. Maybe some guys like Asian women because they're so cute?

The Pussycat Dolls Are Strippers

The Pussycat Dolls are strippers. I know that sounds obvious, but some people seem to be confusing them with musicians. There's a TV show called The Search For The Next Doll that goes on and on about how the "next" Pussycat Doll has to be someone who can dance and sing and do both equally well. Considering only one of the original six members actually sang at all, that means only one of the original group would have passed their own competition. There's only one good thing about the Dolls, and that's the way they look. I don't know why we have to pretend it's about anything else.

Of course, the Dolls are not about stripping. They're about female empowerment, which apparently is the new term for stripping. Let's look at what "female empowerment" means with an actual quote from the group's founder, Robin Antin:

"It's about female empowerment, about being confident with who you are. It's about singing and dancing in front of a mirror by yourself and having fun."

So the key to empowering women is to dance by yourself in front of a mirror? Wow, how did Gloria Steinem miss the boat on that one? I'm sure that's what the early pioneers who fought to give U.S. women the right to vote did; dance by themselves in front of a mirror. That's something that can change the world.

Don't Phunk With My Video

I've seen the Black-Eyed Peas video for Don't Phunk With My Heart several times, and there are some things that bother me about it. If you haven't seen it, click here. Got it? Okay.

It's a clever idea, a dating show where they transport people to locations and the host goofs on them with voodoo. Funny. But first of all, is Fergie really that hot that guys would line up to go on a date with her. I don't think so...unless she wears a diaper on that date.

The other problem I have is with the voodoo. Why are the guys so surprised and confused when it happens? Maybe the first guy wouldn't know it was going to happen, but wouldn't the other two see it coming? And why does Fergie get so mad? Wouldn't she know what's going on? They didn't think that video through enough.

Related:
My Humps Sucks

Pixar's Cars (abridged)

Warning: The following is a short version of the movie Pixar's Cars. If you haven't seen it or plan to see it, please skip it.

FADE IN:

LIGHTNING MCQUEEN, HOTSHOT RACE CAR, ENDS UP LOST ON WAY TO BIG RACE

MCQUEEN: Where am I?
JUDGE: You're in Radiator Flats, the most boring town in America, and will be here for the majority of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Whose bright idea was it to set a two-hour movie in the most boring town in America?
DIRECTOR: I did. It's supposed to make you slow down and appreciate life.
AUDIENCE: Well, it's not working. We can be bored at home.
JUDGE: For tearing up our road, we sentence you to repair the town's main road.

LOTS OF SCENES OF MCQUEEN LIVING SMALL TOWN LIFE, REPAIRING ROAD, AND BEING BORED

AUDIENCE: Yeah, nothing more exciting than watching road construction. For a movie about race cars, this movie sure is slow.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY: Git-R-Done! That's funny right there!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: We beg to differ.

MCQUEEN IS FOUND AND RETURNS TO CIVILIZATION

AUDIENCE: Thank God.

MCQUEEN RACES FOR THE TITLE

ANNOUNCER: Only a hundred and thirty-two laps to go!
NORTHERN AUDIENCE: This is why we don't watch NASCAR.
SOUTHERN AUDIENCE: Boy howdy, this sure is excitin'! Better'n watchin' NASCAR!

MCQUEEN SACRIFICES WINNING RACE TO PUSH OLDER CAR OVER THE FINISH LINE

AUDIENCE: So we waited an hour and a half to see him not win the race?
DIRECTOR: The moral of the story is that there are more important things than winning.
AUDIENCE: No, the moral of the story is that Pixar is losing it.

FADE OUT

Related:
The New World (abridged)
Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith (abridged)

Happy Demolition Day

Happy Demolition Day!
BOOM!

Movie Rules: Movie Luck

Movie Rule #3891: Luck exists.

You ever notice that in movies or TV shows, luck is a fact of life? Like there's usually an episode in a sitcom where a character is cursed with bad luck and they declare they don't believe in luck, and spend the rest of the episode inflicted with inexplicable problems until they give in. Then there's movies like Just My Luck where the whole movie revolves around luck. Where was the last movie or TV show where a character breaks a mirror or gets cursed by a gypsy, declares "Ah, there's no such thing as luck," and spends the rest of the time watching TV or getting a good night's sleep? I'd like to see that.

Yahoo's Most Popular

I love Yahoo's "Most Popular" feature on their news page, especially the photos. Unofrtunately, Yahoo deletes them two weeks afterwards. But fear not, I've been preserving some of the most interesting on my other blog, Yahoo's Most Popular Photos.

Truth: You Don't Always Die From Tobacco

Jokebook: Police Phobia

Late at night, a police officer is on the side of the road when he sees a car with its taillights out driving by. So the cop turns on his sirens. To his surprise, the car takes off at a hundred miles an hour. The cop engages the car in a high-speed chase that only ends when the car blows two of its tires and is forced to stop.

The cop goes over to the driver's side window of the car and growls, "You want to tell me what that was all about?"

The driver gasps, "Sorry, officer. My wife left me for a cop last week."

The cop nods. "I see. So that's left you a little bitter towards police officers?"

The driver gasps, "No, I thought you were gonna give her back."

My Games Fever: Reloaded

Since my original post on My Games Fever, I've had some additional thoughts. First of all, the show is really annoying. All these sound effects and the screen is crammed with crap so you can only see the host in one-third of the screen, and he or she is always jumping around trying to look excited and happy to be there. A review in the New York Daily News put it best.

Oddly enough, these kinds of shows (called "participation shows") are huge in Britain. For the life of me, I can't understand why. They must be much better produced in Britain. There is a version called Playdate where callers try to get dates with people in studio, sort of a home version of The Dating Game. I can see how that would be fun to watch.

And what's with the title? My Games Fever. Shouldn't that be My Game Fever? Or Game Fever? Or My Game? It's even a bad show grammatically.

MyNetworkTV is failing miserably, and if this is their best idea for fixing it, they've got a long way to go.

A Gun For A Leg: Grindhouse

The new movie Grindhouse is already built on an interesting idea, an homage to B-movie "grindhouse" movies with two short horror movies combined into one movie. Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, about a homicidal stuntman running people over with his car, sounds interesting, but Robert Rodriguez is topping it with a zombie movie called Planet Terror. The poster has a woman with a machine gun for a leg. I assumed it was a metaphor, but it's not. In the movie, a woman gets her leg ripped off and literally replaced by a machine gun. It sounds silly, but in the trailer, that gun-leg rocks. And it's…dare I say it…kinda sexy.

Phoenix Comedy Scene

Of course, we all know the stories of the big comedians like Seinfeld and Leno. But what about the every day working comedian struggling to make it? What about the comedians who aren't in the hub of comedy like Los Angeles, but in the gritty mean streets of Phoenix, Arizona? The Phoenix New Times has the answer.

Jokebook: Vow of Silence

There's a monastery where the monks have taken a vow of silence, but once a year at a special dinner, one monk can stand up and say one thing.

So one year a monk stands up and says, "I really enjoy the mashed potatoes we serve here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The next year, another monk stands up and says, "I hate the mashed potatoes served here at the monastery." And he sits down.

The following year, the abbott of the monastery stands up and says, "I'm sick and tired of the constant bickering."

The Game That Plays You: My Games Fever

MyNetworkTV continues to be a pioneer in bizarre programming. First it was English-language telenovelas, and now it's My Games Fever. On the surface, it looks good - a game show where the viewers are the contestants. The host presents puzzles and the viewers call in to play. First time I saw it, I immediately thought something was strange. There's no phone number to call to participate. You can only text message, but you can't even text your answer. You can only send in a notice that you want to play. I figured out why when I read the fine-print: you get charged 99-cents for every text message you send in, and one contact is selected at random to call in and answer the puzzle on the air. So of the thousands of people who text in for a dollar each, only one gets to play, and that's not even a guarantee that you'll win. They've created a game that charges the contestant to play. A contestant could actually lose money playing the game. Stupid. Some of the female hosts are pretty cute, though.

Cold Snap: Winter Comes To Phoenix

They've had a "cold snap" here in Phoenix over the last few days, in the twenties at night. On Saturday, the local news literally gave advice on how to deal with the cold spell. The advice? Take your dogs and cats in, and use an extra blanket at night. Thanks. Like I'd be lying in bed and going, "Oh, the newswoman just said to put on an extra blanket! Because my plan on dealing with the cold was to strip naked and dive into a bathtub full of ice cubes. What a relief to have such wise advice." I'll take advice on dealing with weather from a Phoenix native when I see one carrying an umbrella in the rain. Don't get me started on that.

Flashback Friday: Robotman

I remember watching the Robotman animated special years before I read the Robotman cartoons. It was called Robotman and Friends and portrayed Robotman as a loveable little robot with a heart on his chest, flying through the clouds with his little propeller on his head. Sort of like R2-D2 meets the Care Bears. Looking back, I imagined that must have been the creator of the comic strip's worst nightmare - his edgy, funny comic strip being transformed into a sappy, silly, cutesy special. But it turns out it wasn't. When I did the research for this flashback, I discovered it was the other way around. The character of Robotman was created for the toys and the animated special, and the comic strip was just supposed to be a part of the media blitz. That explains where the heart on his chest came from. It turned out that the comic strip survived while the stuffed doll vanished into obscurity.

Trivia
* The original special was called Robotman and Friends, aired in October of 1984.
* Robotman had sidekicks - Stellar, Oops, and Lint. They fought an evil robot Toberon who tried to eliminate all the love in the world.
* After one other TV special, the Robotman character lived only in the comic strip.
* In the comic strip, Robotman lived with a family in suburbia for several years. He never fought an evil robot or tried to spread love in the world.
* Several years later, Robotman switched to living with a nerd named Monty.
* In 1999, Jim Meddick permanently phased out Robotman from the comic strip, changing it into Monty.

Links
The best website, hands-down, for Robotman is the Robotman Library. There's a good interview that explains the origin of the comic strip, as well as info on the related Robotman paraphenalia. That's about it.

Related
Flashback Friday: Out of This World
Flashback Friday: Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Flashback Friday: Herb

Fox Versus Al Franken

Once upon a time, before Al Franken got a radio show, he had to annoy Republicans by writing books. At that time, Franken wrote Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them : A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right. FOX sued, saying that the book violated copyright with its use of their slogan "fair and balanced." The lawsuit was thrown out before it went to trial, literally laughed out of court. Al Franken posted a transcript of the proceedings, minus the laughter. Feel free to insert your own.

Jokebook: Hell Has The Wrong One

One day, God is going through his records and realizes that Mother Theresa was accidentally sent to Hell. So he calls up Satan and says, "There's been a mix-up. You've got Mother Teresa down there."

Satan says, "Yeah, I know, it's great. She's re-decorated the place, she's always bright and sunny, and she even helps out every now and then. I'm keeping her."

God says, "You can't do that. You send her back up to Heaven or I'll sue you."

Satan says, "Fat chance. I've got all the lawyers."

Dragon Feathers: Eragon

I was watching the commercial for the new movie Eragon, which I don't plan to see...I don't understand the fascination with dragon-riding. If I had a dragon, I'd just send it around to destroy my enemies and report back. I don't need to ride on its back while it's doing it. And if there are other people riding dragons against me, even worse. I might get burned...and I noticed a weird thing. The dragons in the movie have feathers on their wings! That's just so wrong. Ever since the dawn of time, dragons have had bat-like wings. Why would they have feathers? They're not birds. I figure they did that to make their dragons seem more majestic. Maybe it's a chick-thing. Next thing, they'll have unicorns with scales.

Update From The New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times: New Animated Movie Doesn't Include Robin Williams

2006: Big Things That Went Bust

TIME Magazine lists the "5 Things That Went From Buzz to Bust" in 2006. I wasn't surprised about Snakes on a Plane, but the PS3? Glad I didn't get one. I feel better knowing that the success of the Nintendo Wii over the Sony Playstation3 took everyone by surprise, including game makers who are now scrambling to make games for a system they didn't think they would need to.