Sexy Women vs WNBA

A recent post on God Has Wheels about women's basketball inspired some thoughts. First of all, women's basketball...ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Second of all, when is the WNBA gonna wise up to the fact that if they had the women in bikinis, they wouldn't be able to sell tickets fast enough? I mean, some of those girls are pretty hot. The slow-motion replays would be more popular than the actual game. And before you start whining about sexism and "why can't they be judged on their own terms," let's face it - men are sad, pathetic creatures. I've already addressed that in an earlier post. To me, it's all about equal time. The women can watch the WNBA games for the athleticism and skills while men watch for the bouncing babes in bikinis. Everybody's happy. Heck, bikinis didn't hurt women's volleyball. Those are athletic, respected women who look hot.

It's not like there's no precedent. I watched the women's basketball competition in the Olympics and was amazed at the different outfits other countries' teams wore. The Australian team wore Lycra bodysuits. By comparison, our women looked like they were wearing potato sacks. The WNBA went overboard. There's no rule that says you can't be athletic and sexy at the same time.

Poor Get Poorer: Auto Title Loans

There's a common misconception that poor people are poor because they're bad with money, that they can't save properly or don't invest or spend it all on drugs and alcohol. That may be true in some cases, but a lot of poor people are poor because once your credit rating gets too bad or your income drops below a certain level, you don't have as many options as rich people do, and are more vulnerable. Case in point, an auto title loan.

I happened to go with a friend to an auto title loan place and was stunned.To get an auto title loan, you give them your car's title as collateral. This place had a chart on the wall that showed the interest on various loans, and they ranged from 15 to 30 percent interest. That's not per year. That's per month. The interest on an auto title loan can increase by three hundred percent in a single year.

As outrageous as that is, it gets worse. The place I went to doesn't letyou pay back the loan in installments. It can only be paid back in full. In cash. Within thirty days. If you don't pay it back, you have only one other option - extend the loan for another thirty days by paying them a percentage, which can be as much as three hundred dollars. And that three hundred dollars doesn't count towards repayment of the loan in any way.

Let's look at this in the real world. I'm in danger of losing my apartment because I lost my job and don't have any money to pay the rent. No bank will lend me any money, because I ruined my credit rating defaulting on all my bills. All I have left is my car. So I bite the bullet and take out an auto title loan. Great, I've got a thousand dollars. But what are the odds that I'm gonna have a thousand dollars in cash a month from now? Almost nil. So the thirty days come up, they say "Pay us another three hundred dollars or we take your car." I need my car, so I pay them another three hundred, and sigh with relief. Until next month. When I owe three hundred and twenty. Within a few months, I'm trapped in a vicious cycle. The longer the loan is extended, the more I owe. The more I owe, the less capable I am of paying it back. Even if I do get a low-paying job that keeps the roof over my head, it's still not enough to get me the money I need. So I just keep paying and paying for months, watching the loan spiral out of control, until finally I just can't afford it anymore and they take my car away.

My friend was one of the lucky ones. She actually had the money to pay back her auto title loan. When my friend showed up to pay it,the clerk seemed surprised, as if she'd never seen anyone pay it back before. And I'm betting she hasn't. To get an auto title loan is probably the dumbest thinganyone can do, but there are really people out there who have no choice. The people who created it set out to target the most vulnerable of people,and set it up in a way that makes it almost impossible to pay it back.

Fun With Photos: Mel Gibson Movies

I'd like to give credit for this idea to another blog which added funny captions to Mel Gibson stills. Unfortunately, I can't find it. So if you know who it was, let me know. And everyone else, be aware this is not my idea.

Jokebook: Plenty More

A Cuban, a Russian, a white American, and an Apache Indian are sitting on a train.

The Cuban takes one puff of his cigar and throws it out the window, saying "There's plenty more of those where I come from."

The Russian takes a sip of his vodka and throws the rest of the bottle out the window, saying "There's plenty more of that where I come from."

So the Apache Indian gets up and throws the white American out the window.

Related:
Jokebook: Seeing Eye
Jokebook: Drinking Contest
Jokebook: Estrogen in Beer

Smudgegate: Kenny Rogers and Pine Tar

Okay, let's get this whole controversy with Kenny Rogers over with. Did pitcher Kenny Rogers have pine tar on his pitching hand in game 2 of the World Series? He says it was dirt. I don't believe that for a minute. First of all, if it was dirt which isn't illegal, why did the coaches need to ask him to wash it off? And if it was dirt, why did he need to wash it off instead of just rubbing it off? And if it was dirt, why did he have an identical patch of "dirt" in the same exact spot on his hand earlier in the season? The list goes on and on. But I don't need to answer that, because I'm not an expert on baseball and cheating. Sports Illustrated talked to someone who is, a bullpen coach, who broke down why it was pine tar, why Rogers used pine tar, and why the pitchers on both teams are probably using pine tar.

Phantom Menace 2.0

We all know that Phantom Menace sucked. The question is, could I have done any better? It started as a simple mental exercise - come up with a new story treatment that a) does the basic job of introducing the Star Wars trilogy, b) fits into the later movies, c) retains all the good stuff of Phantom Menace like the pod race and Darth Maul, and d) takes out all the crap. Here's the result: I call it Star Wars Episode One: Phantom Menace 2.0.

The movie begins with Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn congratulates his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi for completing his training to become a Padawan. On Obi-Wan's first assignment, he is sent by the Jedi Council to the planet of Naboo, a powerful member of the Republic, to monitor the election of Queen Amidala. But on Naboo, the first signs of the separatist moment take shape as the newly-elected Queen Amidala is overthrown by a violent military coup. The coup is led by a mysterious alien named Admiral Syn who kidnaps Queen Amidala and takes her into orbit on Tatooine. He plans to secede Naboo from the Republic, aided by the robotic Trade Federation in exchange for shipping rights.

At first, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are advised by the Jedi Council not to interfere. But Naboo's Senator Palpatine begs them to rescue Queen Amidala, warning them that Admiral Syn is really a Sith lord named Darth Maul. The Jedi Council agrees to sneak aboard Admiral Syn's ship to rescue Queen Amidala. There, they discover a young man named Anakin Skywalker, a slave who knows nothing of life beyond toiling in the bowels of Syn's ship. Qui-Gon notices the power of the Force in young Anakin. Anakin helps them escape from the ship in exchange for his freedom by organizing a jailbreak and crashing the spaceship into the sands of Tattooine. They construct a pod racer and are chased across the sands of Tatooine by Darth Maul and his men. They finally crash into a power plant, where Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan battle Darth Maul to the death. With the death of Darth Maul, they regain control of the planet of Naboo, begin the first attack against the Separatist movement, and gain ownership of Anakin Skywalker. Obi-Wan decides to raise and train Anakin in the ways of the Force, but still wonders who is the dark force behind Darth Maul...

Jokebook: Seeing Eye

This blind guy walks into a bar, picks up his seeing-eye dog by its leash, and starts swinging
the dog in circles over his head.

The bartender yells, "Hey, what're you doing?"

The blind guy says, "Just takin’ a look around."

YouTube Strikes Gold

I admit, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe YouTube would ever make money. I had read numerous stories about how YouTube was hemmoraging money, how it had copyright issues, how it was struggling with bandwidth. Sure, it was popular and everybody was excited about it, but what was it? I figured it was a throwback to the dot-com failures of yesteryear - all hype, no profit. In a year or two, the start-up money would run out and it would collapse. And then, Google bought it for over a billion dollars. And now I wish I had thought of it. The three founding members get to split a billion dollars. I guess it's true what they say; if you build it, they will come. Will YouTube continue to be successful in the long run? Who cares, they got paid.
Categories: news

Flashback Friday: Shanghai McNuggets

Once upon a time, in a McDonald's boardroom, a group of executives said "Hey, let's sell Chinese food." And someone else said, "Hey, good idea. Chinese food is popular. But it'll be expensive to develop a new product." And the other one said, "Nah, just sell Chinese-flavored sauces for the Chicken McNuggets." Thus, Shanghai McNuggets were born. Essentially, they were Chicken McNuggets sold with sweet and sour sauce, hot mustard, and teriyaki sauce. I remember liking these, but then I was a kid. It was actually okay, but then, you can't mess up Chicken McNuggets too much. Unless you ask where they came from.

Looking back, what strikes me most about this campaign was the incredible racism. I mean, it's barely Chinese food to begin with, but then they had the asian music and Ronald McDonald doing a karate chop. If they sold McNuggets with salsa, would they call it the Tijuana McNuggets? And having Ronald McDonald running across the border or riding in the back of a pickup truck? Actually, I can see that. I better not give McDonald's any ideas.

Links:
I couldn't find much information on these at all. I almost started to think I made it up until I found an entry at Wikipedia. And even that didn't have much. But there was much informal discussion on them on a thread at X-Entertainment. There was also a thread on rec.games.trivia about them.

Fun Facts:
* Shanghai McNuggets came in Chinese take-out boxes and came with a fortune cookie and chopsticks.
* The box included instructions on how to use chopsticks.
* McDonald's employees had to wear a bamboo Coolie hat to promote the Shanghai McNuggets.
* The Shanghai McNuggets were discontinued pretty quickly, but I don't know the exact year.
* In China, McDonald's sells Shrimp McNuggets.

Lunch Hunter

Someone stole my wife's lunch last week. That is so irritating. I can't believe somebody would just take someone else's lunch. I wish I could understand the psychology of that. You walk into the lunchroom, sift through all the lunches, find one that looks good, and just walk away with it. And you sit down and eat it, knowing someone else could be going hungry because of you, and don't care. Unbelievable that there are people like that. That's something that a homeless person would do wandering in off the street, not an employed adult working in an office. I can't understand how you can live with yourself doing something that low.
Categories: opinion

Zune vs. iPod

Apparently, Microsoft is going to launch a competitor to iPod. Just the thought of Microsoft competing with Apple in an area of creativity like music players made me laugh. But after reading this article about the advantages of Zune versus the iPod, I have to admit it's daunting. I actually found myself thinking that if I had the chance and the money, I would go with a Zune player instead of an iPod. That's scary. The evil empire is not dead.
Categories: entertainment

Mario Bros Live

A student project re-creates the videogame Mario Bros in real-life. It's awesome.

BOR Radio meets Couch Potato

Well, it's been a long time coming, but it's finally ready...BOR Public Radio is on the air. It's still a little buggy, but it'll get better as I get this whole podcasting thing.

And speaking of comedy, check out the latest release by Platypi Publishing, The Adventures of Couch Potato.

UPDATE: My Platypuspublishing website is gone. The new website for BOR Public Radio is http://borpublicradio.bravehost.com and my e-books are available at http://nigelgmitchell.bravehost.com

Update from the New Yuk Times

The latest breaking story from the New Yuk Times:
Nuclear War Destroys Europe, Two Americans Killed

Flashback Friday: Square Pegs

Before Sarah Jessica Parker had sex in the city, there was Square Pegs. This was a short-lived series about a couple of nerds in high school, but I remember it capturing a sense of teen angst that I'd never seen before. It also introduced me to a lot of '80's concepts that I didn't get going to my school (I wasn't even in high school then), like New Wave music, valley girls, the term "nerds," and leg-warmers. I also have had the theme song stuck in my head for twenty years. This show is also notable as one of SJP's first acting gigs. Who knew it would lead to fame and fortune? I still think she's ugly, but whatever. Maybe that's why I find her so unattractive, because I always see her with those glasses and nerdy look. Nice body, though.

Fun Facts:
* The title of the show was a reference to the characters trying to fit in, but not being able to - square pegs trying to fit into round holes.
* The theme song was performed by a group called The Waitresses, who apparently never did anything else ever again. Paul Shaffer did additional music. Figure that one out.
* The high school they went to was Weemawee High School. They didn't even try to make it realistic.
* Bill Murray did a guest shot as a substitute teacher.
* The show only lasted for one season from 1982 to 1983.
* The cancellation of the show was blamed, in part, on drug use on the set. If that was the case today, we'd never keep shows on the air.
* In China, they adapted the show into a hit series called Life Made Simple about a mentally-retarded man in his mid-thirties who goes to high school. I don't know how that worked. Do they have valley girls in China?
* There are calls for this show to be released on DVD. Something tells me it's going to be a little dated.

Links: There's a good overview at TV.com. By far, the best Square Pegs website I could find was the Square Pegs Shrine. And of course, there's the old standard, IMDB. Wikipedia, of course, does it up right. There are some sound files at Tim's TV showcase, including the theme song.

Related:
Flashback Friday: Photon
Flashback: Madballs
Flashback Friday: Electric Dreams

Free Movie Idea: Gremlins 3

If I were in Hollywood, I would greenlight Gremlins 3. I'd call it Gremlins 3: World War. Here's the pitch. It's a prequel. The first Gremlins made a reference to gremlins by that World War II guy that he had seen gremlins inWorld War II. That's where the movie should be set. It's about him as a young man on a battleship off the coast of Japan. A geisha, working for the Japanese military, gives one of the American soldiers a cute little mogwai, tells him it's a pet, but doesn't tell him the rules. The mogwai gets wet, produces a bunch of copies, they eat and whammo. Suddenly, the soldiers are trapped on a battleship with the gremlins while they're at sea. The gremlins are planning to take over the battleship and scuttle it. The soldiers band together and launch an all-out war with machine guns and grenades, fighting the gremlins, but the gremlins have already sabotaged the weapons. The gremlins are screwing up the planes so they crash, sabotaging the missiles to make them explode. They have to hold out until morning, when the sun will destroy the gremlins. Not sure how it would end, but I think it would be cool.

Top Ten Reasons We All Hate The New Cardinals Stadium Name

The Arizona Cardinals finally sold the naming rights to their stadium. And the new name is...University of Phoenix Stadium. Now there are a lot of reasons why people hate this name, besides the fact that everybody hates company-sponsored stadium names. Here are the top ten I've heard.

10. Nobody cares about the University of Phoenix.
9. Everybody hates the name except the Arizona Cardinals.
8. There's no good mascot for the University of Phoenix. No bobcat for that stadium.
7. University of Phoenix Stadium has eleven syllables. Bank One Ballpark had four.
6. There is no name recognition. Everyone is going to shorten it to "UOP Stadium," which defeats the purpose of name recognition.
5. Does anyone want to call it "U.P. Stadium?"
4. The University of Phoenix has no athletic program, so it has nothing to do with sports.
3. They did it for the money, which is going into Bidwell's pocket, not the team.
2. They slapped "Phoenix" on the side of a building designed to promote and celebrate Glendale.
1. They spent fifteen years complaining about playing in a university stadium, then when they got a new stadium, named it after a university.

Never Prosper: Cheaters

I watched a whole episode of Cheaters this morning for the first time.Usually only come in at the end. That is a great show. And cheap. All they have to do is get proof of cheating, bring all the people together at the same time, and let the cameras roll. This morning, it was some old guy who had this hot chick living with him who of course was cheating on him with a younger guy. The old guy was obviously being used, her spending his money and using his house as a place to keep her clothes and stuff...loser. She was claiming she was over at a girlfriend's for three days straight! Andthe young guy was a complete idiot. When they confronted him, he kept yelling "How do you know her name? How do you know her name?" And then theywould say "He's her boyfriend" or "She's been living with him for two years". And he'd yell "Whadda you mean he's her boyfriend?" or "Whadda you mean she's been living with him for two years?" And then he would yell "How do you know her name?" again. That went on way too long. I said "Dude, they can't make it any clearer than that." And of course, she had no explanation, as always. I've noticed that - most of the cheaters never give an explanation, they just try to walk away. I guess they want time to think of an excuse. Anyway, the best part this morning was when the young guy tried to drive off, and the girl literally threw herself on the hood of his car to stop him. Awesome. And of course, the old guy dumped her, but the young guy "found a way to forgive her." I wanted to say "and I know exactly what that way was", if you know what I mean. But I take comfort in the knowledge that soon she will cheat and start the cycle all over again.

New Yuk Times 2.0

I've created a new version of the New Yuk Times, my news satire blog. It's exactly the same as the old blog except that it has fewer archived stories (until I transfer them from the old blog), fewer comments, and a new address that will make it easier to find - newyuktimes.blogspot.com

And the new blog has the latest update. Since my other story on Steve Irwin was so well-received: Animal Kingdom Claims Victory In Steve Irwin's Death.

CSI: A Stripper's Paradise

I bought a CSI board game and it has character profiles for the cast. I never even knew the cast of CSI had characters. They all seem pretty interchangeable. They just have to walk onto a scene, make some sarcastic comments, and operate advanced equipment that no crime lab in the world could afford with expert skill at the drop of a hat. Anyway, I read in the manual that Catherine Willows worked her way through college through exotic dancing. To me, that seems like an ad for Las Vegas strippers. I mean, isn't the stereotype that all strippers are only stripping to pay their way through college? Well, Willows is living proof. "See?" the show says, "she did it and you can, too." Conspiracy theory? Possibly. But I defy anyone to tell me CSI isn't a commercial for Las Vegas. I mean, is the country's greatest forensics team really in Las Vegas?

As for the board game...eh, it's okay. I prefer Clue.

Bear Riding A Unicycle: Circus versus Wild

There was a guy on the radio calling his friend a bad father because he wouldn't take his kid to the circus. That friend argued that circuses are cruel to animals. The talk show host argued that animals are great in circuses - they get fed, medical care, no predators. That irritated me. If you don't care about animals, fine. If you don't care if animals are mistreated in circuses, fine. But don't try to argue circuses aren't cruel, because they are. I was just reading an article about how the whole concept of zoos is being questioned because it's almost impossible to replicate the environment of animals like elephants in a caged setting. And that's a zoo. Now look at an elephant living in a cage, forced to ride around on a tricycle. There's no way that animal is happy.
Categories: opinion

News Updates From the New Yuk Times

Breaking news from the New Yuk Times:
Fans Disappointed By Lack of Irony In Steve Irwin's Death

Han Solo: Frozen in Lego Bricks

And now for something completely different...a man with a sculpture of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.

Down the Rabbit Hole: Larry Wachowski

What do a pre-op transsexual, a dominatrix, and Matrix Revolutions have in common? Larry Wachowski. Of course, we all know Larry Wachowski, co-creator of the Matrix movie series, but we know virtually nothing about him. And that's the way he likes it, because he seems to have a lot to hide. Rolling Stone did an investigation on just why he disappeared, divorced his wife, and hooked up with a cross-dresser. The answer is here...and a more disturbing and twisted story I have yet to read.
Warning: Contains adult themes and language. Reader discretion is advised.
Categories: entertainment

Better Off Dead: Kenneth Lay

Well, Enron's Kenneth Lay is dead. He died before he served even one day of jail time. I think it's a sign of how much damage Kenneth Lay did that it seems like he got away with it. Death is literally too good for Lay. All I wanted was one day in prison. One day where there was no one there to cater to his every whim. No fancy meals, no cushy seats, no exotic countries, no plush beds. I mean, the guy died in his frickin' home in Aspen. I just hope the heart attack was painful. And I hope it was brought on by stress. Severe, agonizing stress at the thought of going to jail. Scumbag.