Calvin Minus Hobbes 2.0

The beloved comic strip Calvin and Hobbes portrayed the relationship between a young boy and a tiger. Readers hailed the love of their magical friendship But what if Hobbes really was just a stuffed tiger? What if his relationship was all in his imagination? What if Calvin was on the edge of madness? The original controversial series Calvin Minus Hobbes showed us by simply replacing Hobbes in every cartoon with the stuffed version of Hobbes. The creator eventually found it too depressing to continue, so I've taken up the torch. I'll be updating the page with new cartoons approximately whenever I feel like it.

*NEW*

Fun in a Call Center: Worker's Con

I think I would like to work in the worker's comp department. I find those insurance claims so interesting, especially when you get into questions about the authenticity of the claim. Sometimes I go back and read the follow-up notes on claims I've entered. I read one claim where the driver claims he was robbed in Texas and hit in the neck, but his movement shows he wasn't in Texas on the day he claims. He also claimed someone had to help him out of bed this morning, to which the adjuster wrote in her notes "How??? He's a solo driver and would have had to get out of bed to get someone to help him out of his bed."

There was another one where a janitor claimed he hurt his back. First of all, he claimed he hurt himself on Sunday, but when his supervisor pointed out that he didn't work on weekends, he claims the injury occurred on Friday but he didn't feel it until Sunday. Then he claimed he hurt himself working the floor polisher when it tipped over and he tried to straighten it. Well, it turns out that the only time they use the floor cleaner is at night and he works during the day, plus the ladies' room is being remodeled, so the floor cleaner wasn't being used that day. Idiots. We're not stupid.

Fun in a Call Center: You Might Be a Redneck

One time, I took an insurance claim from a trucker who had driven off the road. The trucker said the last thing he remembered before the crash had been listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD. Well, after talking to the doctors about what had happened, the doctors think that he laughed so hard that he blacked out. If you're driving a truck and listening to a Jeff Foxworthy CD and laugh so hard that you black out and drive off the road…you might be a redneck.

The Best of the Worst Reviews for Microsoft's Kin Phone

If the HTC DROID Incredible is the biggest hit of the year for Verizon, then the Microsoft Kin is definitely its biggest flop. The decision to stop production for the Kin a mere forty-eight days after it was launched allows us the chance to look back at its failure. The failure of the Kin isn't really a surprise to everyone. Here are the top ten best lines from the worst reviews:

1. "...the idea of choosing this severely limited device which doesn't do a single thing better than even the most basic Android device is kind of crazy." -Engadget
2. "I'm skeptical that young consumers will be thrilled with this first effort."-Associated Press
3. "What was Microsoft thinking when it launched this ill-begotten device?"-Computerworld
4. "Fun software, clunky design...the hardware is middle-of-the-road and the phone can sometimes be sluggish."-PC World
5. "Quite frankly, I haven't been this disappointed in a phone in a long time." -Phonescoop
6. "Verizon and Microsoft seem to be relying on consumer ignorance to sell the Kin, because only someone ignorant of their other options would get a Kin."-Windows Phone Thoughts
7. "...the Kins are misbegotten, crippled creatures compared to pretty much every smartphone on the market."- PC Mag
8. "...I have yet to see any compelling reason for someone to buy a Kin."- ZD Net
9. "The impression you get using the Kins isn’t that they’re based on a flawed concept, really, but that they just aren’t quite done." - Gizmodo.au
10. "If the Kin sells at all, it’ll be to a narrow slice of the population."-Gizmodo

Quote of the Week: Holy Crap

Dru of Cream of the Comics commenting on Marvel Adventures: The Avengers #9:

"Holy. Crap. Look at that cover, man."

Uncrustables: The Longest Distance Between You and PB&J

I thought the idea behind it is that some people (kids, mostly) don't like crusts on their PB&J sandwiches. They hate it so much that they can't even stand the thought of crust ever existing on their sandwich. For them, they created Uncrustables, which have no crust whatsoever. In fact, they don't really have edges. They're sort of pouches made from white bread with peanut butter and jelly sealed inside. The bread is sealed on the edges like apple pie. And what do you do when you want one? Well, you have to keep them in the freezer until you want one. Then you take it out and leave it on the table for thirty minutes to an hour to defrost. Then you can eat the tiny little pouch.

Right. Or you can just use regular bread, spread peanut butter on one side and jelly on the other, then cut off the crusts. Just saying.

Apparently, these things are hugely popular, mainly because mothers can just toss one or two into their kids' lunchboxes and they'll be defrosted by lunchtime. So apparently, Uncrustables are really for mothers who are too lazy...uh, I mean busy to spend five minutes making sandwiches themselves. The next logical step is Unpackables, sandwiches that can crawl out of the refrigerator in the morning and climb into the lunchboxes on their own, for mothers too lazy...uh, I mean busy to take them out of the freezer and pack their kids' lunches themselves.

KidsTalk: Miss Rosa is Sexy

This is the start of what may turn out to be a series. Here's the deal: I have two toddlers, so I watch a lot of kids' TV. Some of it just flies right over my head. Others actually trigger thoughts and analysis that I know are way too deep for childrens' television. I feel compelled to share. Today, let's talk about Miss Rosa.

I make my kids watch a lot of TV on PBS, because it's educational. Over time, I began to notice Miss Rosa. Miss Rosa has a very small role on PBS - she just does little bumpers between shows, introducing the next program. She always has a little educational thing to do, like teach how to count in Spanish or safety. I found her disturbing for reasons I didn't understand, and eventually I was forced to admit what I didn't want to accept: I think Miss Rosa is freakin' hot. And I mean HOT. I don't know if it's the pretty eyes or the curvaceous lips or her accent or just the fact that she looks so sweet and innocent, but I can't take my eyes off her when she comes on. And every time she says something in Spanish, it gets me going. If she was my kids' preschool teacher, I'd be there to drop them off and pick them up every day. She teaches kids the alphabet, but I'd love to teach her a few things...well, you get the idea. Check out some of her clips and tell me if you don't feel the same way.


In real life, she's played by actress Jennifer Peña, who is also a certified teacher. It was hard to find information about her, because there's apparently a Latina singer with the same name who's more popular. She has a website, which is a little sparse. I did a search to see if I was the only one who felt this way about Miss Rosa, and it seems a lot of guys are in the closet about it. But I did find one article that listed her among the five hottest children's television personalities. I feel better knowing I'm not alone. If you feel the same way, let me know. We can form a club.

UPDATE: So this is my most popular post on this blog, I'm guessing we have a consensus: Miss Rosa is hot. Leave a comment below to join the club.

Quote of the Week: Why Rihanna is the Best Girlfriend Ever

R&B singer Rihanna on why she took naked pictures with her cell phone that were later leaked onto the Internet:
"If you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him."

Lindsay Lohan: Unemployable

The child star whose career collapses once he or she reaches childhood is so common that it's become a Hollywood stereotype. However, one person has taken that failure to a whole new level: Lindsay Lohan. Sure, she's strung out on drugs and alcohol, but we've seen that before. Sure, she's known more for partying in clubs than acting, but we've also seen that before. Even the fact that she hasn't had a movie or TV role in years isn't news. What is news is that she is now literally unemployable.

Let's say you want to make a movie with Lindsay Lohan...for some reason. In order to make a movie, you need to get insurance. That will kill any hope of Lohan being in your movie, because her multiple car crashes and DUI arrests mean that no insurance company will cover her. The last person who took a chance on Lohan was Rick Schwartz, the producer of the movie Labor Pains, and he had to beg every insurance company in Hollywood before he found one who would insure Lohan. And Labor Pains ended up going straight to cable (ABC Family, for some reason) and home video, so it's unlikely another producer will go to that much trouble. At this rate, the best thing she could do for her career would be suicide. She should be taking notes on Robert Downey Jr. to see how to revive her career.

Quote of the Week: Good Luck, Nolan

John Del Signore on the promotion for The Dark Knight - Gothamist.com:
Unfortunately for them, The Dark Knight opens the same weekend as the hotly anticipated Space Chimps, so, you know, good luck, Nolan!

Jokebook: Computer Gender

When the computer came to Mexico, they had to figure out what gender to refer it to: as “la computadora” (feminine) or “el computador” (masculine).

One group decided that "computer" should be feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The second group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

"1, 2, 3, 4" is My New Favorite Song

My fascination with the song "1234" started when I was watching Sesame Street (gimme a break, I have two toddlers), and a woman came out and immediately captured my attention. I didn't recognize her, but the way they shot her segment made me think she was "somebody," like I was supposed to recognize her. She came out, smiling and beckoning sweetly, and began to sing [Youtube]. The song she sang was so cute and sweet, far more than just a counting song, and she had such charm that I couldn't get her out of my head. Plus, it all seemed so familiar.

So I Googled her, and discovered her name is Feist, and her song was familiar. I'd heard it as the background song in an iPod commercial. Turns out the song "1234" was re-written for Sesame Street, and it had become a smash hit from that commercial alone. I had to see what the real version was like, so I found the music video for the original "1234" [Youtube] And that proceeded to blow me away: a wildly fun, goofy, and enthusiastic dance sequence from a huge group in a warehouse, all seemingly shot in one take. So I read up on the music video, and it's even more amazing. Inspired by Feist's performance in a dance routine at the 1988 Olympics, the video was choreographed and shot in three days. They really were as happy as they seemed in the video: according to the director, even after they got their twentieth take, the dancers still wanted to do it again.

I've had the song stuck in my head since I first heard it. So I bought the mp3 from Amazon. And I love it.

Quote of the Week: The Box

Arcturan on the terrible review given to the movie The Box by Scifi Wire:
So, as bad as it is, when can we expect it to be prominently featured on SyFy along with the other high quality movies?

Alfred E. DVD: MadTV's Second Season DVD

I loved MadTV. Always would choose MadTV over Saturday Night Live, any day. I thought it was consistently funnier and more original than SNL from beginning to end. I also wondered why it never got any love. There were no movies with MadTV alumni. No one was walking around quoting or wearing T-shirts that said "He look-a like-a man." Bottom line? MadTV never got any respect. The absolute proof is that they released the first season of MadTV on DVD, and it sold so poorly that they cancelled plans to release any others. Well...I liked it.

Jokebook: Price of Admission

It’s the first day at a university, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new male students. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”

One student raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”

Quote of the Week: Hard Questions

Jenna on EW's article "Kate Gosselin Probably Can't Answer These Questions":
Will your millions be worth it once your children stop talking to you?

Drag Race: Caster Semenya's Gender Controversy

Back in the 1960's, controversies in women's sports caused them to introduce mandatory gender tests in the Olympics. It was based on the idea that some of the female athletes were doing so well that they might be men in disguise. It has long been considered a barbaric, humiliating, and sexist practice that was ended in the mid-nineties. I agreed...until I stumbled across the story of Caster Semenya, a gold medal-winning South African track runner. After questions over her appearance triggered a gender test, it was revealed that secret gender testing before the race revealed she's actually a hermaphrodite. The sad part, to me, is that this kind of thing will make it harder for legitimate women who excel in women's sports.

Even sadder? The makeover they gave Semenya before the tests came out to make "her" look more feminine. This picture is supposed to make us stop questioning the gender? Yeesh. It makes Semenya look like a drag queen.

Jokebook: So Fast

A turtle goes up to a cop, and says, "Officer, I was just mugged by two snails."

The cop says, "All right, what did they look like?"

The turtle says, "I’m not sure. It all happened so fast."

Quote of the Week: Most Unintelligible

Lloyd Levin, co-producer of “Watchmen,” on Fox studio’s decision to initially turn down the movie proposal:

An internal Fox email documents that executives there felt the script was one of
the most unintelligible pieces of s*** they had read in years.

TV-B-Gone

I read an interview on PBS.org with a guy who invented something called TV-B-Gone. It's basically a universal remote that can shut down any TV in the area. My first reaction was why would you want to do that? Then I read it's for turning off those ubiquitous TVs you find in public places. I started looking around at all the televisions that surround us. There's a TV in the break room here at my work. There's a TV at the doctor's office waiting room. There's a TV in the lobby of a potential employer. There's a TV in the bank. There are TVs everywhere, and we've just come to accept them as a part of our lives. And knowing that someone is paying to stick all these TVs in our faces makes it more galling to think about. So I say "good." Use these babies. Power to the people.

NOTE: There's a better interview at Wired.

Movie Rules: Condemned to Death

Movie Rule #819: Condemned prisoners will do anything.

Whenever there’s something crazy, violent, illegal, and potentially lethal to be done in movies, condemned prisoners are the ones to do it. They can get death row inmates to agree to fight a suicide mission, participate in lethal combat on a desert island or in weaponized cars, let their brains be controlled, or anything else. I know death row prisoners are desperate, but are they really that eager a source of labor? And even if they were willing to do it, these movies always have to set in a near-future with a decaying government, because the current political climate would never let prisoners be exposed to that kind of thing.

Imagine a movie where a prisoner's on death row, and someone says, “Hey, good news. There’s a new program that can get you out. The only catch is that you’ll have to put on a clown suit, strap a bomb to your chest, and run through a maze while genetically-engineered dinosaurs chase you on live television.” And the prisoner goes, “No, thanks. I think I’ll just wait on my appeal. Or a petition from the governor.” I’d like to see that.

Related Posts
Movie Rules: Speaking in Tongues
Movie Rules: Men and Diapers
Movie Rules: Mob Rule

Quote of the Week: Pro-Adoption Message

Gabe on the "pro-adoption" message that will be added to the DVD of the horror movie "Orphan":

At the end of the movie, the camera pulls back from Esther's foster parents' dead bodies, and written on the kitchen floor in their pooling blood it says "ADOPT TODAYYYYY!"

Quote of the Week: You Can't Handle the Truth

"[If] we've reached the point where truth--THE truth, the brutal, honest, painful truth--is to be avoided during these so-called interviews (more rightly understood for what they are--an interrogation)--if we've reached that point, and we have, then we're all pretty well screwed because we've all agreed we're going to pass ourselves off as Mr. Happy Team Player Who Lives Only To Serve The Great Corporate Gods and the ONLY result from that charade is misery of the worst kind.
- Randy on being honest during job interviews, posted on CVTips.com

Fun in a Call Center: By Any Other Name

You know one of the most annoying call openings I get? Here it is.

ME: Hi, my name is [Monkey Migraine]. Can I get the ID number, please?
MRS. JOHNSON: This is Mrs. Johnson in Fort Lauderdale. Where’s my Yoyodyne?

How am I supposed to know where your Yoyodyne is, you old bat? You think there’s just one Mrs. Johnson in our system? There’s thousands of them. Oh, you told me you’re in Fort Lauderdale. That narrows it down…to only a couple hundred! Or maybe I should know automatically, like say, “Oh, hi, Mrs. Johnson? How’s your son, Richard? Nice to hear from you again.” No, I need an ID number. Or a prescription number. Or at least your first name, you senile old coot!

That’s what I wish I could say.

Michael Jackson: Good Riddance

Michael Jackson died a few weeks ago. To me, it was an interesting footnote, but I didn’t really care. I was more upset about Farrah Fawcett dying. But I was amazed to see the outpouring of love towards him in the days that followed. Amazed, because it seems completely misplaced. I know people are respectful of the dead, but we can’t ignore the truth: Michael Jackson was a horrible person. He was an extremely talented musical genius, but he was also a horrible person.

First and foremost, he was a child molester. I know people like to say he was acquitted, and that proves he wasn’t a child molester. Actually, all that proves is that has good lawyers, and the prosecution botched the case (for more analysis on the trial, see my earlier post: Michael Jackson is a Child Molester). Enough information came out of the case to take away all doubt in my mind that Jackson is a child molester. I expect, over the next ten or twenty years, children who were molested by Jackson will start speaking out, and we’ll have the true picture. In the end, I think Jackson’s real legacy will be as the most successful child molester who ever lived.

Some people are even making the argument that Jackson is a greater entertainer than Elvis. That, to me, is a ridiculous and ultimately pointless argument. First of all, the definition of “greatest entertainer” is meaningless. Are you talking greatest in terms of artistic ability? Creativity? Marketability? Financial earnings? The two artists lived in completely different eras and had completely different skills. More than that, Elvis has been dead for decades and created a legacy post-mortem, securing his place in history. Jackson’s been dead two weeks. There’s no way we can judge his legacy right now. Especially if more molestations come to light.

Michael Jackson was also a certifiable nutcase. He was clearly a plastic surgery addict, and (in a related story) a liar who repeatedly lied about everything from his plastic surgery to his treatment in jail. He called himself Peter Pan, but he was really psychologically stunted, and probably a treasure trove of untreated mental illnesses. He was a spendthrift who was making millions a year, but still managed to spend millions more than he earned until he ran out, then lived on gifts and handouts (like free cars and even houses) like a bum, and committed bank fraud by using fake names to get more when his credit ran out. Speaking of white-collar crime, he was also a drug addict who took Oxycontin, Demerol, Zoloft, and a host of other drugs . He broke the law to take ten Xanax every night by convincing doctors to fill the prescriptions in their names. Hardly the kind of person we want our children looking up to.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, because the keywords “Michael,” “Jackson,” and “sucks” have gotten me a ton of hits since his death. Once the shock wears off, I hope the world will go back to hating and making fun of MJ the way he deserves. Listen to his music, but ignore the man who created it. He doesn’t deserve your love.